AIBU to be annoyed that MIL is giving niece a free flat during university?

[breezeanddaisy]

Hi,

I've namechanged for obvious reasons.

My daughter and her cousin both started university this year. They're both at different ones.

My MIL owns a flat that usually gets rents out, but since the last tenant left, she has left it empty and ready for when her other grandchild started university (as it's in the same town as the university she got a place at/wanted to go). She gets it for nothing, so it's free for her.

My DD is in pretty shitty accommodation and MIL hasn't really given anything to her to make it fair.

AIBU?

@Sandstormbrewing

Doesn't your experience with the car just prove the resentment that can be caused by unequal treatment? I wonder how your cousin felt at the time and if you would maybe feel different if you weren't the one grandchild who got a car?

Lifes not fair OP.
Your MIl owes your daughter absolutely nothing.
I'd just forget it otherwise you are going to end up jealous and bitter. Be pleased your daughter is in good health and has a good future.
That's what matters not who gets what.

Covering bills again.... so she is roughly gifiting £1000 to gd monthly... £12k a year.... I believe (correct me if I am wrong mners ) but if grandma was to pass away in the next 7 years the gd would have to pay I heritcance tax. Similiary if she were taken into a care home or needed home care that money would be factored in to the affordability calculator.

If there are only 2 grans children then she is being massively unfair not helping yours out. But perhaps she doesn't realise or as other plans for yours.

I can't think how you can bring it up with granny without looking whingey and grabby.

Just a thought do your in laws do alot more for mil like looking after her and visiting regularly etc which might explain why she is helping their daughter and not yours

@HollyGoLoudly1 my cousin understood. My aunt is just batshit. If it isn't her kids benefiting then she's screaming 'unfair' but if her kids get something others don't it's because the 'deserve' it. There have been plenty of times where I've not been on the receiving end of good fortune. Fair and equal aren't the same thing.

Wow people her are judgemental of the OP. I bet every one of you would feel equally aggrieved if your DD was being treated so differently from a cousin. There are lots of things your MIL could do differently such as continue to rent out the flat and give half the rent to each of the girls. I think your DH has to bring it up.

I thought that YABU until you mentioned that MIL will cover bills as well, in this case it looks unfair.

Yes, YABU.

So what's the solution?

Your MIL kicks your niece out of the empty flat she owns in the city your niece is in? Just because your DD is in accomodation?

Your MIL buys another flat in your DD's city and gives it to your DD?

Your MIL hands your DD money each month?

What do you expect?

I sometimes wonder about people here. I think most people would feel that this was a bit unfair, the same way people feel upset by unfair wills. It's not about the money. It's about getting equally valued and loved.

My parents have helped each of their grandchildren in university. It just so happens that one of them got use of a flat as they have a flat in the same city. One got a car and the others got cash. It may not have been exactly equal but it was near enough that none felt there was favouritism.

In this situation mil should have given the dd money to help her out if she could afford it. If not, dn should have been given the flat at a reduced rent and that used to help out the dd.

She's done a nice thing for one grandchild because she can. She can't give it to the other because she hasn't got it to give. Why should both lose out?

No she is doing two nice things for one grandchild and nothing for the other. She isn't paying the bills on the flat as well as providing it rent free.

If she shifted the bills element to the child paying her own way then the rent free child would still be better off but it would at least show a desire to help each of them.

Its her money, she can do what she likes with it but unless she is compensating for some other big difference between the two then she is choosing giving one a huge advantage with nothing for the other.

Surely if it was your DD in the area where your MIL owns a flat, she'd have gotten the flat?
Doesn't seem like favouritism to me...seems like your MIL is trying to help out practically

If the flat has two bedrooms, could the other be rented out to a uni mate and the income given to the other gd?

as a grandmother (sorry for sounding like Maggie Thatcher) I think it's very unfair and I think it would be fairer to charge a lower rent to the GC in the flat and give a contribution of rent to the other GC. It's blatantly unfair

How mean of her not to simply jack the flat up on wheels and push it on down to the town your dd lives in...
If the two girls had each chosen the other’s Uni, your dd would be the one benefitting now.
And I’ll bet you wouldn’t have a word to say about it

But presumably mil doesn’t own a flat in the city your daughter is going to university?

She should buy one immediately! That's the only way it'll be fair

It may not have been exactly equal but it was near enough that none felt there was favouritism.

Yes I think that is the thing - it doesn't have to be the same so long as each feel considered.

I feel the same about wills - I don't agree with the obsession that each child must have exactly the same irrespective of needs. Life deals us all a different hand, I can understand why parents or grandparents might try to even things up a bit in their estate if they have that opportunity.

I think it is more the resentful, aggrieved tone in which the op posted which bothers people the most. What does it achieve? It won't change anything and she'll end up bitter and twisted. I sincerely hope she doesn't pass that attitude on to her daughter.

Neither is it right for any of us to say what MIL 'should' have done. She did what she thought was right at the time.

She will probably help the op's daughter in another way in the future.

YABU - maybe niece chose that uni for a reason...

DH's dad died not long ago, so a business was sold.

She will need this money when she is older and needs care. Or are you DH going to have her move in with you and will your DH care for her?

Look I her it feels unfair. And it's definitely not fair she is vibrating bills too.

MIL may be endangering her relationship with DGD and her DS with her actions.

Seems I’m in the minority because I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. Golden rule: treat them all the same.

This is really unfair. She is only helping out one child. I have seen this type of favouritism in my extended family and it always causes house resentment.

I appreciate the flat is only convenient to one grand daughter - but is she is giving this hugely generous and valuable gift to one she should also help the other. It’s only fair,

VickyEadie Thu 13-Sep-18 20:09:50
My youngest brother's daughter goes to university next year and I've already committed to helping her out with her fees.

I have nephews and another niece who didn't go to university - should I be expected to bung them a cash equivalent?
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No. You give to the one with greatest need at the time, if you can. The op's MIL could as the flat was near her granddaughter's uni. She could so she did.

shecamefromgreece it’s not the only way actually , as others have said she could have charged just utilities to one living in the flat and helped the other with hers.

But I too think she was just doing a kind thing where she could, and OP has been very gracious taking everyone’s comments on board. For me it’s enough she’d have done the same for your dd if it had been the other way round.

My grandparents gave me a car too and not their other grandchildren simply because I was starting uni at the time they were getting a new one. Everyone was really kind about it and I imagine knew they’d have done the same for them if they had been the one needing one at that time

OP, maybe she will give your DD the cash equivalent in terms of a deposit for a house when she completes uni to “balance the books”. Or leave more to her in her will when she passes away.
How will your niece feel? Will she feel aggrieved? Probably, because people have very short memories for good deeds, and long ones for perceived slights.

The point is, you cant make everyone happy all of the time.
Don’t invest so much energy on this.

I'd be really hurt too in your shoes.

No she doesn't have to help your Dd but you think she'd at least WANT to go some way in making things fair. It's the not actual money, it's the though behind it and the message she is sending your Dd.