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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed that MIL is giving niece a free flat during university?

314 replies

breezeanddaisy · 13/09/2018 19:39

Hi,

I've namechanged for obvious reasons.

My daughter and her cousin both started university this year. They're both at different ones.

My MIL owns a flat that usually gets rents out, but since the last tenant left, she has left it empty and ready for when her other grandchild started university (as it's in the same town as the university she got a place at/wanted to go). She gets it for nothing, so it's free for her.

My DD is in pretty shitty accommodation and MIL hasn't really given anything to her to make it fair.

AIBU?

OP posts:
theymademejoin · 13/09/2018 21:37

@arethereanyleftatall - my understanding was that the mil doesn't need the money of the rental.

You said she gave some thing at no cost to herself but it is costing her as she is forfeiting the rent that she normally got from the flat which had been rented out previously.

Are people not allowed to do nice things for one another, without making sure that everyone else they know on the same level gets something too?

Of course they are but as a parent or grandparent, I would want to ensure that all felt equally valued. Even without the bills, giving that much help to one (the value of the forfeited rent) is likely to make the other one feel less valued if she isn't getting some help.

As I said earlier, my parents helped each of the grandchildren out. It wasn't equal but was fair enough that they all felt valued and loved. In contrast, mil has a tendency to play favourites which tends to breed resentment.

MargotLovedTom1 · 13/09/2018 21:37

YANBU - she is massively favouring one grandchild over the other. It's shit.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 13/09/2018 21:39

There was no need for the MIL to think it through. You don’t have to weigh up the potential for hurt feelings from entitled relatives every time you make a simple decision that is really nobody else’s business.
The niece was in the right place at the right time, simple as that.

NewYearNewMe18 · 13/09/2018 21:39

Probably said up the thread … DGD is going to uni in the town where the flat is. Therefore it makes logical sense for DGD to have use of the flat.

Perhaps DD could switch uni's and flat share with her cousin? Just a thought.

IF MIL had gone out and bought a flat specifically for DGD to use, that would be a whole different ball game. TBH I beet it hasn't crossed anyones mind that there is this air of burning martyr

PurpleFlower1983 · 13/09/2018 21:39

YABU! The flat is local to your niece’s university. I bet you wouldn’t have been posting this had it been the other way around!

MeredithGrey1 · 13/09/2018 21:41

YANBU the flat is something she can ONLY give to your niece so that is reasonable, but with the bills she is choosing to help one over the other. If the flat didn’t exist and both children were in uni accommodation, it wouldn’t seem fair for her to just help one of them out with bills.

delilahswishes · 13/09/2018 21:42

Is was thinking YABU until you said she is also paying all the bills.

I think letting her stay in the flat (that she already owns and is empty) given it is in the same city as the Uni is her choice and doesn't need to be "fair", given shes also contributing to her living expenses though really it would be nice if she helped out your DD in some way too. Hopefully there will be some way in the future she will see fit to help out your DD too.

Original poster
breezeanddaisy · 13/09/2018 21:45

I'm sorry if I sounded annoyed and I suppose when I started the post I was a little bit. I'm not being grabby or anything remotely like that. I don't expect her to give my daughter a flat, I don't know why people are saying that. But yes maybe giving my DD the bills money or something like that instead of my niece getting that also. They purposely didn't get a new tenant so niece could move in (for the people that were saying it was sitting there empty).

Also to the person who said or would you have your MIL move in and look after her during her old age. I assume that was sarcastic but of course we would. This isn't a bashing MIL thread, I like her, it's just sad to see the difference here when both are at uni.

Thanks for the replies and like I said I've accepted the answers and understand the majority view how I feel unreasonable and I'll definitely take that on board.

OP posts:
3ChangingForNow · 13/09/2018 21:47

YABU and grabby

Havaina · 13/09/2018 21:48

Is niece DP's sister's dd? It seems alot of parents treat their dd's dc a lot better.

Oh well, MIL shouldn't be surprised when your dd is less inclined to spend time with her.

moleymoleyOO · 13/09/2018 21:49

YANBU. Two grandchildren starting uni at the same time- of course there'll be comparisons. I understand that MIL has a flat so it makes sense but if she's covering bills etc for one and giving nothing to another that's very unfair. I would expect her to offer to help with accommodation for your daughter, or just make some kind of gesture. It's very unfair.

Are there any other grandchildren or just your daughter and her cousin?

MargotLovedTom1 · 13/09/2018 21:50

Grabby? Fucking hell. OP, you're not grabby at all.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/09/2018 21:53

I don’t understand why so many people are saying YABU. I don’t think you are. As a pp said, things don’t have to be given equally. But to give twice to one grandchild and nothing to the other will be very hurtful.

MozzieMagnet · 13/09/2018 21:54

But would a cousins flat-share and going to the same uni have been possible? Was it ever suggested/offered or on the table?

Aridane · 13/09/2018 21:56

Wow,- poor Nan - no good deed goes unpunished.

jannier · 13/09/2018 21:57

If you don't expect money how do you expect her to make it fair? I bet if it was your daughter in the free falt you wouldn't be saying oh let me help my niece out nor would you be happy of MIL charged rent as you seem to think shes loaded.
Life isn't fair on a daily basis but thing seven out if money was that tight why didn't you say go to the same university as your cousin and live off granny?

Radyward · 13/09/2018 22:00

Jealous much - yes as others said if it was your daughter on the receiving end would you be crying over the other GD ? You will seriously look totally grabby and petty if you bring this up. Her money - her decision as to what to do with it. If ye cannot really afford to send your Daughter to uni, she can change perhaps to the same one as her cousin next yr and make it easier for your family.

Sugarformyhoney · 13/09/2018 22:00

Yanbu. If she’s paying the bills for dn she should offer the same to dd. One thing to let her live in the empty flat, but paying the bills is giving her a huge financial advantage over DD. I’d feel resentful too. But this is mumsnet where people think it’s perfectly acceptable for parents and grandparents to be massively unfair because they can do what they want with ‘their’ money Wink

ColouringPencils · 13/09/2018 22:03

This is really unfair. It's not the grandchildren's fault, but your MIL's decision is bound to breed resentment between them. People on this thread are being totally unreasonable to the OP. Of course MIL could have made it fairer:

  • let one GD have the flat and pay the other GD's bills
  • ask the one GD for a contribution to the flat, which could pay towards helping out the other GD (and them both still saving lots of money)
  • keep on renting the flat to another tenant and offer both GD's half the income each

Chances are MIL has not really thought of the fairness or otherwise of her generous offer - but that doesn't mean she shouldn't have done.

Jagblue · 13/09/2018 22:04

Well you can pay for better accommodation for your DD or move her to the same University as her cousin then they can share... is that's fair and reasonable?
I really don't understand why your MIL should make it equal. It's up to you to help her. Why would you allow her to stay in a shitty place?
It's ok for MIL to cough up but not you? 🤔

Original poster
breezeanddaisy · 13/09/2018 22:07

@Jagblue that's just an odd reply. Cough up? I cough up everything I can for my daughter and I mean every last penny, unfortunately it isn't a lot. I work extra hours to help her out as much as possible and DD also works to help fund it when she is off at weekends. My MIL is extremely wealthy, that's the only reason, even if she was wealthy and didn't want to help, that's her choice and that's fine, but I only started this thread because I know she's wealthy and she obviously pays nieces flat and bills, that's the bit I thought was a bit unfair.

But thanks for making it sound like I don't want to help my dd SmileSmileSmile she's my everything and I do whatever I can for her to peruse her goals in life.

OP posts:
Ariela · 13/09/2018 22:08

YABU.
Grandma may well decide to leave less the the niece in her will. Or may decide to give your daughter help to buy a car/her first home once she settles.
Right now it helps Grandma to have someone she knows in her property.
I'd leave it and wait and see.

MrsChollySawcutt · 13/09/2018 22:09

Why the fuck should the grandmother hand out cash to one grandchild just because she is letting the other stay in her flat??

Allowing GC1 to use the flat is not costing her anything if it's owned outright, and is costing only the outstanding mortgage payment if it's not. Happy coincidence that the flat is in same town as GC1's uni means the GM can be benevolent and do her a favour. GC1 is lucky that's all.

GC2 has not lost out, she's just in the right place the right time. Suggesting her GM puts her hand in her pocket is grabby and entitled.

Iloveacurry · 13/09/2018 22:10

I’m sorry but the OP is getting a raw deal from others in here. Of course she’s annoyed, I would be too. The niece is getting a flat to stay in for free, plus her bills are being covered by the MIL. It’s not fair is it?

ColouringPencils · 13/09/2018 22:11

OP has already said that the grandmother is also paying the bills

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