Friend lied to us about health condition, AIBU to feel hurt?

[ALittleCheruby]

I've known this friend for a few years now. She's always been on and off ill, I thought because her condition fluctuates.

As a group, we've always been very understanding and accepting. We've always thought nothing of it when she couldn't come out for a girl's night or a trip with the kids, cancelling last minute. No problem. She's in pain.

But today we found out she suffers from something called Fibromyalgia and not Rheumatoid Arthritis like she told us.

She let slip today in conversation. We were surprised and she confessed that she hasn't told us the truth, and felt like she would be judged or thought to have an 'imaginary' condition if the real illness was uncovered.

She said we are a fabulous group of friends and she just couldn't face owning up and telling the truth.

AIBU to feel a little hurt? Perhaps wonder what else she could lie about?

I really dislike dishonesty. It's a mix crowd with other friends in the group. One thinks she had a damn good reason to lie, and thinks she obviously felt we'd see her in a negative light. The other is fuming and says it's disgusting she's lied.

What would you do?

Fibromyalgia is a severe life long dehabilitating disability
I wonder how many people have eye rolled to that comment
which is fully recognised by medicine and the DWP
I bet it's a bloody site harder to get PIP for fibro given that many doctors just thing it's women whinging about being tired and in pain.

keffie12
How do you know your life will 'never' be normal? You don't know how you will be in 10 years. It isn't a degenerative condition, it is remissive, such as CFS. So you could well be in a much better position than you are now. That seems a very dramatic and depressed statement-I mean that nicely.
I have seen that view before with fibro. But you cannot say in the future if it will be the same, worse or better, so why the emphasis on things never getting better?

Fibromyalgia presents with many conditions similar to rheumatoid arthritis.
I honestly can’t thjnk why you’re so hurt or why you feel the need to anything about it.
The only thing that she be done is to reassure and support her.

sanssherif I don’t think you meant it to be, but your comment was really out of order.

keffie has every right to feel how she feels and say how she feels.

I know two people with fibro -it affects their lives terribly.

I have a friend with this condition. She has constant battles with it and is always having to cancel things because of it.

Maybe she felt telling you she has arthritis was easier than saying what her actual illness was because she felt that you wouldn’t understand her real condition.

Either way the condition she has would absolutely preclude her from always attending nights out etc because it does cause lots of pain and extreme tiredness. So she wasn’t lying about the pain she was in, just the condition that caused it.

i have psoriatic arthritis and fibromyalgia and to be honest i never tell anyone about the fibro as people think its a made up illness , even doctors!!!
a lot of people havent heard of fibro so its easier to grasp RA than that.
I feel sorry for her that she felt she had to lie about her illness though as fibro is a painful illness too

Yetalkshite
I'm sorry. I didn't mean it to be nasty.
When I say 'dramatic' I mean it seems very cut and dry, matter of fact. What I meant was that having a bad time now doesn't necessarily mean it will always be bad. There may be the potential for improvement. I wanted to make a link to depression but I didn't want to piss people off who argue it is a physical not a mental condition. I think every illness is a bit of both. Of course it isn't my health and yes you are right she does.

I have fibromyalgia and it's extremely painful, scary and horrible. I have it quite badly,sounds like your friend has. Mine has become progressively worse as I have got older, tbh it has affected and even ruined a lot of my life. A lot of people do not understand the condition, even medical professionals, unfortunately.I It is recognised by the benefits system and your friend is obviously deemed to need help having had a rigorous assessment.Believe me, it is rigorous!
I don't know why you are that annoyed with your mate. For instance, I sometimes say 'I am fine' when asked. Instead of the truth. It does sound a bit like you may have thought fibro was a made up illness. I wish it was, then I could think it away.

sanssherif I realise you didn’t, I just wanted to speak up because when it comes to disability or conditions it can be really demoralising when people tell you how to feel. I don’t have fibro, but I have experienced it (with good intentions, as yours were) with my own condition and built up over time it can really get you down.

I have FND Functional Neurological Disorder and my husband has Fibromylagia and I know personally how hard it is to explain both without been judged or misunderstood. In fact today I just had that kind of issue while trying to register on sky accessibility I listed my conditions then I get an email back and they have put FND which is a condition that affects the nervous system down as Hysteria and my siezures down as Non epileptic ones despite not even asking and they are epileptic. Coming from your friends point of view I totally get where she is coming from yes it is recognised a little bit more now but just a year ago it was considered to be one of these "hypochondria" diagnosis'. In a group of friends I'd probably say the same kind of thing. What does it matter what her diagnosis is. If your her friend that should be the same regardless. In fact some people are routinely told they have things like arthritis as it leads up to their diagnosis of conditions like these.

Hey, I've got schizophrenia. I'm not one for basing my opinion on labels
Thanks for the heads up

sanssherif I know, that’s why I didn’t go in all guns blazing like I usually do

I’m autistic and have spent many hours being talked to about what it’s like to be autistic by NT people. I think I just glaze over now

You think it's disgusting that your friend kept her private medical condition private? Shame on you

I know someone that has fibromyalgia, she seems to suffer a lot and many people view it as ME is often viewed ie it's not taken seriously.

I'd give your friend a break, tbh.

I have Fibromyalgia and it's horrible, sadly it's an "invisible illness" that is dismissed, I feel for your friend that she felt she couldn't say

It must be similar because originally it was thought I'd got fibromyalgia but it turned out to be Rhuematiod arthritis

Lol. My DD has ASD.
We are a house and a half us....

sanssherif I say that all the time too! Me and the 3 kids are autistic, DH is NT and I tell him we’re like the outside world only flipped round!

Your reaction is bizzare

Fibromyalgia is cripplingly painful. You get painful lumps under your skin, together with muscle pain, insomnia and difficulty remembering. (I've got polymialgia which causes the pain but is more treatable and doesn't cause the other symptoms). I wouldn't want fibromyalgia for all the tea in China!

@YeTalkShiteHen I'm also Autistic as is my 2 daughters, my favourite line is "you don't look Autistic" 🙄

WeMarchOn oh that’s a belter isn’t it? What exactly does autistic look like? Is there a badge I should have?

“Oh but you’ve got friends?” with massive surprised face is another

I do understand about being angry about the lies; I really hate dishonesty myself. I think your friend should have been able to trust you to understand (assuming you’ve always been there for her). Having said that, as a sufferer if fibromyalgia, I completely get why she would want to give it a label you would understand! I work with consultant physicians and I regularly see their dismissal of it in others. I still have not told anyone in work other than my line manager for that reason (neither have i pretended it was something else though).
Try to be understanding and reasssure her that she shouldn’t be worried about coming to you with anything. She could probably use a friend to talk openly and honestly with for the first time.

Tbf she's the one who's ill and having to deal with a debilitating and misunderstood illness. I think you should cut her some slack and be supportive.