Friend lied to us about health condition, AIBU to feel hurt?

[ALittleCheruby]

I've known this friend for a few years now. She's always been on and off ill, I thought because her condition fluctuates.

As a group, we've always been very understanding and accepting. We've always thought nothing of it when she couldn't come out for a girl's night or a trip with the kids, cancelling last minute. No problem. She's in pain.

But today we found out she suffers from something called Fibromyalgia and not Rheumatoid Arthritis like she told us.

She let slip today in conversation. We were surprised and she confessed that she hasn't told us the truth, and felt like she would be judged or thought to have an 'imaginary' condition if the real illness was uncovered.

She said we are a fabulous group of friends and she just couldn't face owning up and telling the truth.

AIBU to feel a little hurt? Perhaps wonder what else she could lie about?

I really dislike dishonesty. It's a mix crowd with other friends in the group. One thinks she had a damn good reason to lie, and thinks she obviously felt we'd see her in a negative light. The other is fuming and says it's disgusting she's lied.

What would you do?

I think you should be thankful for your own health, and not judge someone who is having a shitty time with their health (and feeling the pressure of having a misunderstood condition). The diagnosis is none of your business, it's between her and medical professionals. She shouldn't have lied but then society shouldn't judge which conditions are worthy and which aren't. Shower empathy at her.

Fibro is often misdiagnosed in the first instance as RA. I see no reason why she had to update you- they are very similar conditions in terms of symptoms. Fibro has a bad press but is debilitating and awful. (I don't have it but my much beloved and hard working Mum did) It's a terrible condition.

You sound a bit unreasonable. She is ill no matter what the condition is called. Quite often at the start of an illness, conditions such as fibro are misdiagnosed so she may have been told she had RA at one point. She probably just decided not to correct herself as people are very misunderstanding about fibro and docs can do little for it unfortunately. Just think yourselves lucky you are not ill and try and be more understanding. It's not like she is standing you up to have fun with other friends, she is struggling in pain on her own.

Plenty of people telling you the issue with saying "I have fibromyalgia" so I won't add my voice.
I'm glad you've accepted that, through lack of understanding, you were BU.
I hope now you have better understanding of the situation and can see why your friend chose to say that she had a recognised and accepted condition, instead of the one she has. After all, the outcome of the condition isn't that different, and she still has a lot of pain, so why would the actual diagnosis affect you in any way?

If anything, you should be pleased that she now trusts you enough to tell you the truth about her condition, knowing that there is still a chance that you, and the rest in the group, will now think she's a fantasist, a hypochondriac etc.

Hope you can view her the same way, once you've understood her reasoning for not telling you before.

It's none of anyone's business what her condition is. She doesn't owe anyone any explanations. Poor girl.

One of her friends is "fuming" really. She doesn't need "friends" like that.

I can see it from both sides.
I am often reluctant to tell people I suffer from depression and severe anxiety, but I wouldn't use another illness to disguise it.
There are times when I don't feel well enough to go to social events but I always say "something has come up".
I suppose I'm not lying. Something has come up (a panic attack) but I don't disclose it.
I'm not ashamed of it. I just worry that they will judge me.
When I was a child I suffered the stigma of my mother's mental illness first hand (I was bullied at school and told she was heading for the nut house/ loony bin) and I think it stems from that.
It's sad that your friend feels she has to disguise her illness as something else, but I can understand why.

I really don't understand the issue here at all. Your friend has a condition that causes extreme pain, she didn't lie about that - what difference does the name of the illness make?

I know someone with Fibro and she is in agony a lot of the time, can't move, eat or even talk sometimes.

If you friend had been making up or exaggerating symptoms, I could see why people might be upset or annoyed, but this really doesn't sound the case here.

@gamerwidow sorry to hear you're also suffering! Can't agree more. No, I'm not remotely tidy, no I don't count bricks in the wall, it's actually a hugely complex and varied illness, no I don't want to talk about it.

Not sure why the label matters so much to you. She is still the same person with the some problems.

I really hate dishonesty but I do get why she did. My mum has multiple health issue, she usually gives the one most people recognise or understand rather than list them. My son has ASD and ADHD, is tend to not say to anyone about ADHD because of judgement. So while not exactly the same thing, I get why she said what she did.

Fibromyalgia is a condition without a simple test, it's basically what they call a series of specific symptoms when everything else has been ruled out, as such, some people don't recognise it as "proper illness" and I guess it can be open to abuse. However, it is a very real, regardless of the name her symptoms she is experiencing are the same. The condition can carry wildly and it can be extremely serious. So it's not that it isn't a real condition it's just it can be subjective, but then so can various other conditions like ADHD for example.

Just be a friend. X

People can be horrible about it despite it being utterly debilitating. Doctors have recently got better about it but most sufferers are probably scarred from years of being told it's in their heads.

I understand why she lied and don't think it needs to be an indication of general dishonesty. I'd let it go.

As others have said, this is very different to someone fabricating an illness for attention.

I totally understand her.

Your poor friend. And what an absolute bitch your other friend sounds.. i’d cut her Out of the group if I were you.

My niece is 14 and has Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. She can only manage school part time and is pain constantly. It has many of the same symptoms as Fibro & chronic fatigue, with the added bonus of her joints dislocating daily & skin breaking. I’m actually currently mumsnetting in a oxygen therapy chamber with her right this minute as her mum is away with work.

Diagnosis is hell. Fibromyalgia is a debilitating & misunderstood disease.

Shame on your group of friends for gossiping about this poor woman. I bet she’d rather be well than the source of your friend’s ridicule.

DFriend came round for an early lunch today. We had a chat, had a cry, mostly me crying for being a cow. Her crying because nobody ever understands and thinks it's in her head.

I was astounded to know she doesn't even have the care of a Rheumatologist anymore, they sent her on her not so merry way after saying "there's nothing else we can do for you".

She's just under her GP. She attends a pain mangment team twice a year but nothing works, it's just to check. He GP does an in depth blood test whenever there's a flare, she says he's wonderful and assured her he won't miss anything if something treatable comes up. But for now, he's just incredibly supportive.

I'm so sad for her. She's really gone into detail about her experience and I want to give her a medal. She's early twenties for Christ sake. She has a little boy, of whom she still manages to breastfeed beyond babyhood.

She's just fab. I've tried contacting the friend who was less than okay with the 'lie'. She is still being awful. I have notified her that I won't be talking to her anymore until she apologies. Not to me, to our friend.

I feel awful for my original post and initial reaction. Sometimes you feed off of other people in a group and your own judgment gets altered

OP what do you use your wheelchair for? How would you feel if someone was judging you and the pain you said you were in?

Well done op x
Your angry friend clearly has issues and needs to examine her own thoughts.

sanssherif
I read your post about RA being more serious as it can cause deformity. I know someone under a rheumatologist with fibro, who is stooped because of it. She gets regular swelling. I think there are degrees of fibro as with anything else. Someone upthread said their friend died prematurely of it. I’m more in the ME category and I have read of extreme cases, where people have died of it.

I don’t think it’s true to say one is more serious than the other tbh. I also think that playing top trumps on chronic illnesses is what has given these less well accepted illnesses such a bad press. I was speaking to a fellow sufferer today and her sister is a nurse. In the wards the sister works on anyone with fibromyalgia on their notes are given the lowest priority. Pathetic.

Mummy i was visiting a friend and in the opposite bed was quite a 'rough' looking lady, she was crying that she still hadnt been seen as she had a disabled child at home. I heard the student nurse ask the ward sister who said 'ugh itll be adhd or something not a proper disability'

TLDR.
This makes me v angry tbh - you are BU, frankly! But possibly because you don't fully understand.
Many many Fibro sufferers are initially treated / tested for R Arthritis as the symptoms are v much the same. I was, after MS had first been discounted (scary time, that was).
It can take months to get all the RA tests done, and then if/when that's counted out you have to start all over again with getting a clear diagnosis. But the symptoms continue - severe, chronic fatigue, pain all over, low mood. You don't feel like going out, or doing anything, some days.
Fibromyalgia has no definitive test (eg a scan or blood test), but it's done on likelihood and whether the symptoms fit the usual model. Getting an actual diagnosis is hard - dependent on seeing a GP and/or consultant rheumatologist/neuropathologist (it's actually an illness of nerve/pain signals to the brain) who 'get it' and who were in med school since it's been recognised and studied. It's a very tiring pursuit.
So I'd reckon your friend maybe only recently-ish got a clearer picture that her RA-type symptoms are actually Fibromyalgia. The 2 diseases are so similar in symptoms that Arthritis Research UK is the leading charity/campaign for Fibro as well as RA.
She hasn't lied to you - she told you what the illness seemed to be at the time she was 'diagnosed'. The pain, fatigue and low mood are still the same - it's just there seems to be a different cause of it now.
Have some sympathy, continue to look out for her, and maybe do some research.

I have a cousin who takes morphine daily when her fibro is bad. Remember when the press used to scoff about 'yuppy flu' before it was ME? That's how some people are about fibro. I've heard people say my cousin is exagerating her symptoms. I've also seen her in bits due to sleeplessness and being sick due to her pain being so bad.

Give your friend a break.

yuppie flu was called ME though, which was then thought to be brought on by 'glandular fever'-is that even a thing now?
To the people investigated for the 'real stuff'-RA and MS, were you gutted to get a diagnosis of fibro for the way it is perceived? Did you feel they thought you were making it up?

You reacted just as she expected to so no, I don’t think you have the right to be upset with her in the slightest. If you’re really her friend suck it up and tell her you understand why she did it but you are still her friend. My own brother didn’t tell me he had bowel cancer, now that I think I can be upset about but you knew your friend was ill so to me it doesn’t matter what name it has

@ALittleCheruby

Do you think your reaction is in part down to your own issues with your health? That perhaps she felt her real diagnosis of fibromyalgia would be somehow lesser than whatever your health issues are?

With conditions like CFS, ME and Fibro, it's often easier to tell people it is something similar rather than face the endless questions as to what it is. When you are tired, in pain, and low in energy the last thing you need is a quiz on your illness, particularly when Drs still disagree on a lot of the details and/or treatments so you end up trying to answer questions you don't know the answers to.

Erm excuse me! If you knew what fibromyalgia was like to live with you wouldn't be so dismissive. I have fibromyalgia and I totally get why she has said why she has. I wouldn't have done it however different temperaments deal differently.

Fibromyalgia is a severe life long dehabilitating disability which is fully recognised by medicine and the DWP (benefits agency)

Much of the symptons are the same as arthritis only there are many other symptons too. Fibro usually involves CFS/M.E (constant fatique syndrome,) and much more.

My life is not normal and never will be. I look ok and so will your friend. Yes I am being defensive and surely you can understand why.

I am not going to go into every sympton else the post would be miles long. To summarize she is ill and I get why she has said it as she probably felt rightly or wrongly thought she would be judged