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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is DH an a**hole for this or AIBU

189 replies

l0stmummy · 13/09/2018 01:08

FYI im not trying to toot my own horn here and sorry in advance for my language .

Im not dumb. I did really well in school and was predicted good grades, but I fell ill and the year of my GCSEs I was hospitalised for months. It really screwed up my self confidence and mental health, so I didn't return to school or go to college. I got a job at 16 and worked hard in the same job until I turned 19 and was let go due to financial cuts. I never struggled without my GCSEs. There are several things that I didn't learn in school, and there are big gaps in my knowledge from the bits I missed out on.

DH uses this against me at every opportunity. Idiot is his favourite term for me. He says he likes being with someone who isn't as smart as him. If I can't do something he thinks is easy it's always 'i know you didn't finish school but really?'

It's really fucking degrading. He says it's just a joke but I would've loved to have gotten my GCSEs. And because I didn't i must be thick as pig shit. Like a week or so ago I was 'being a bit difficult' as I was putting down an inflatable pool and couldn't get all the air out. He proceeded to call me stupid and said I shouldve finished school. Sorry mate, I didn't realise that deflating a toddlers paddling pool was part of the fucking curriculum!

Am I just being a bit of a wet wipe? Or is he being an asshole

OP posts:

longtompot · 13/09/2018 15:12

I would have a look in my local area to see about finishing my exams. It might give you enough confidence to see you can manage on your own, and that although you loved him for what he was when you first met, you now no longer like him and leave. You will also be teaching your kids that sort of behaviour in a relationship is not how it should be and to be responsible for their own futures.

Have you actually spoken to him about him saying these things to you and how it makes you feel? If you have, what does he say?

Good luck OP.

ciderhouserules · 13/09/2018 15:14

OP - if you do nothing else, please take a look at the sticky at the top of the 'Relationships' board; think it's called 'OK listen up'.

It's the 'script' and gaslighting is in there. Along with how you should expect to be treated at all times. Bare minimum.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is Zero.

Think about what you are (both) teaching your child about relationships.

Get out now. It's never easy, no one will tell you it's easy. Every relationship is complicated and entangled. No one ever thinks they can just slide out. It's tough, but it's worth it. Do it. For your child.

Kemer2018 · 13/09/2018 15:17

Sounds like you've made your way despite the difficulties. Well done.

Unfortunately, you seem to be married to a turd.

I would say ltb, but I know how hard this is....

Yanbu. What a total tosser he is.

PurpleTrilby · 13/09/2018 15:37

Sorry, but I don't think you do love him, you're stuck in a rut because you fear being alone. Love is not belittling someone, love is not having a pet you can insult instead of an equal partner in all things. Just leave, you'll be fine and wonder why you didn't do it before. Best of luck, you smart, sassy, terrific lady.

PurpleTrilby · 13/09/2018 15:41

Just read you comment about the row this morning, no HE is the one out of hand, run for the hills, he is a complete cunt.

DebbysMum · 13/09/2018 15:42

Agree to the couples counselling and let a professional tell him what an asshole he is...except in more professional terms.

I bet if you agree and seek out a counsellor he'll have a sudden change of heart about going because he knows you're not abusive.

ravenmum · 13/09/2018 15:49

Sometimes when an AIBU starts with "Is he being an arsehole?" you then go on to read something about how he has done something a bit stupid or annoying. Something you remember your own partner doing, or shamefacedly remember doing yourself.

And sometimes you get halfway down the story and he's calling his wife an idiot who's thick as pig shit. And you realise what crappy, awful lives some people must live.

Reading Mumsnet I realise how lucky I've been in life. I can't even remember ever having met a man, in my entire life, who would for one moment consider saying something so nasty and ignorant, whatever stupid things they have done. To me, or to anyone.

Sorry OP.

NoLightInTheTunnel · 13/09/2018 16:06

About the Freedom Programme - it's what finally gave me the courage to leave my ex. Please look into it .

StrangeLookingParasite · 14/09/2018 09:03

he says im being abusive trying to leave him

You are NOT being abusive. Classic gaslighting.

MumW · 14/09/2018 09:11

What @ravenmum says is so true.

What you are experiencing as your normality, really isn't normal at all.
It's blindingly obvious to those of us looking in and removed from your reality.

Deep down, I think you recognise this but you are so accustomed to being abused in this way that you are seconding guessing those feelings. You're being treated like shit, your DH is clearly behaving unreasonably yet you had to come on here and ask whether YWBU. That should tell you something.

Keep telling yourself that you are not stupid and you are worthy of being treated with respect.

MrsMozart · 14/09/2018 09:17

Just thought I'd add - my family are academic high achievers (can't move for stepping on Masters and PhDs), but the two of us with the least / lowest academic qualifications are the highest earners (professional full-on fields).

It's not a detriment to any of us. We're all loved for who we are irrespective of whether we have Dr. in front of our names or pull in six-figures. None of us would dream of putting down another because of a 'lack' of qualification.

I'm not saying we're the Walton family. We all have our own issues, but they aren't used as ammo against us.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 14/09/2018 09:20

He's a piece of work OP, gaslighting for sure.
Counselling won't help in this case, as he is the problem.
You will fare much better without him, be kind to yourself OP.

Oliversmumsarmy · 14/09/2018 09:52

Please make it a priority to do the Freedom Programme even over taking GCSEs.

Friend has done it and she had come out of it a different person. It has given her so much strength to see through the bs and gaslighting. Her stbexh even had her believing she was hearing voices.

Please do it as it will give you the confidence to do what you need to do.

It will be like trying to put the genie back in the bottle. Once you see him for what he is there will be no turning back

BlancheM · 14/09/2018 11:46

He's an arsehole and probably projecting how thick he feels he is himself if he's still latching onto something he did when he was 15 as being relevant today. He needs to grow up- he isn't at school anymore.
I didn't do GCSEs or A levels but do have a degree and Masters. You have nothing to prove!

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