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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH an a**hole for this or AIBU

189 replies

l0stmummy · 13/09/2018 01:08

FYI im not trying to toot my own horn here and sorry in advance for my language .

Im not dumb. I did really well in school and was predicted good grades, but I fell ill and the year of my GCSEs I was hospitalised for months. It really screwed up my self confidence and mental health, so I didn't return to school or go to college. I got a job at 16 and worked hard in the same job until I turned 19 and was let go due to financial cuts. I never struggled without my GCSEs. There are several things that I didn't learn in school, and there are big gaps in my knowledge from the bits I missed out on.

DH uses this against me at every opportunity. Idiot is his favourite term for me. He says he likes being with someone who isn't as smart as him. If I can't do something he thinks is easy it's always 'i know you didn't finish school but really?'

It's really fucking degrading. He says it's just a joke but I would've loved to have gotten my GCSEs. And because I didn't i must be thick as pig shit. Like a week or so ago I was 'being a bit difficult' as I was putting down an inflatable pool and couldn't get all the air out. He proceeded to call me stupid and said I shouldve finished school. Sorry mate, I didn't realise that deflating a toddlers paddling pool was part of the fucking curriculum!

Am I just being a bit of a wet wipe? Or is he being an asshole

OP posts:
Zebra31 · 13/09/2018 07:13

This is awful. His abusive and you should leave him.

If you can’t leave him could you try doing something to improve your self esteem? Could you look at doing your GSCEs or simila now. There are pleanty of courses you can study in your own time from home. Show him how capable you are. Maybe with the self esteem will come confidence to dump his abusive arse.

CowesTwo · 13/09/2018 07:18

That’s a slow, drip, drip, drip of abuse which will eat away at your self-esteem, your confidence, and eventually your love for him. If he loved you as much as you love him he would not be bringing you down at every opportunity, he would be cherishing you, and maybe also supporting you into doing a college course or two. I think deep down he must have insecurities of his own, and it makes himself feel better to belittle you. How can you stand for this constant belittlement?

DownTownAbbey · 13/09/2018 07:19

A 1:10 ratio of good to bad is piss poor Confused. Do you really love him? Or are you used to him being around and just scared of change?

'Love' is never enough. I 'love' deep fried cheese but I know it'll kill me.

notWORKzilla · 13/09/2018 07:21

l0stmummy You can do this, you do know it's the right thing to do, and he preys on your vunerability by turning it back on you when you try to leave.
He is abusive and nasty. You are capable and brilliant. Look how much you've overcome. It's another big hurdle, but picture yourself this time next year, how happy will you be with no-one treating you like that?
One good moment with him v 10 awful moments is not good enough. Where is the line that makes you say enough is enough?

We're all on your side xx

Jenb2104 · 13/09/2018 07:22

You deserve so much better.

Believeitornot · 13/09/2018 07:23

What is the reason for staying? Your fear of abandonment- you’d be leaving him not the other way around. And you wouldn’t be abandoning him or abandoning anyone.

Your self esteem was low - you linked it to your illness as a teenager? As a result you’ve ended up with a DH, sorry “H”, who treats you so badly that you’ve settled for it.

Start small. Imagine life where your dh was nice to you. Saying nice supportive things. Eg you couldn’t deflate the pool- hesays “hey dear, these things are right buggers, lets try this together”. Imagine the conversation going that way. Do it with all conversations. Create that mental break and then it becomes easier

You deserve better. Sorry that you had a crappy time as a teenager - sounds awful!

eddielizzard · 13/09/2018 07:23

Is this how you want the rest of your life to be?

AgathaF · 13/09/2018 07:29

Once you are so many years into your adult, post-school life, what happened at school ceases to really become relevant because life is so much more than the national curriculum. However, in your case it seems like your lack of schooling for your final year has badly affected your self-esteem. It may be the root of why you are allowing this abusive arse to treat you like this. So for that reason, I really think you should do two things. One is the Freedom Programme, and the second is doing some courses, even online ones to start with, and getting yourself some paper qualifications. I probably wouldn't tell your H about this either. Don't give him the chance to run you down, just go and do it.

Just out of interest, how many paper qualifications has your 'D'H got? I suspect it's not that many or to a particuarly high level.

ButlinsCanbuggeroff · 13/09/2018 07:33

I'd be doing some Alevels at home and applying for uni next year. Leave him on graduation day.

BitOutOfPractice · 13/09/2018 07:33

You say you love him. But do you realise he doesn’t love you. He doesn’t even like you. That is very clear from how he treats you.

ButlinsCanbuggeroff · 13/09/2018 07:34

Also look in to maintenance grants etc, and money that doesn't need to be paid back until you are working and making a good wage. Don't assume you can't afford it.

RyderWhiteSwan · 13/09/2018 07:36

He’s being stupid. You are not
This.

He says YOU are being abusive trying to leave him? Shock

He wants you to stick around to abuse YOU!!!!! Angry

LizzieSiddal · 13/09/2018 07:40

But for every good there's 10 not so good

Is that correct? There are 10 bad moments for every 1 good one?
My god you have to leave him, you only get one life, you deserve so much better.

ShrodingersSturdyPyjamas · 13/09/2018 07:41

You need the Freedom Programme.

ciderhouserules · 13/09/2018 07:44

You 'love' him? Put aside how you feel about him (which could be co-dependency, need, low-self esteem, Stockholm syndrome at worst) and ask yourself 'DOES HE LOVE ME?'

Does he love you? And all about you - or is he just playing with you, using you for sex, family, housework, food?

You could go to adult education classes, and get some GCSEs. He would then find something else to beat you with. Your weight? Your dress sense? The housework? Your job? Your parenting? Your eyebrows....Angry There will always be something. Believe that.

Get rid. Bring your dd up in a house of love, not vicious remarks and put-downs. What if your dd doesn't get some GCSEs in the future? Will he be condescending and hurtful to her?

TeacupTattoo · 13/09/2018 07:44

Tell him you do not like how he talks to you, being derogatory about your intellect, and that as you know he loves you and respects you you expect it to stop immediately. If he doesn't stop, you e sadly found out how little he cares.
Do not put up with anybody putting you down. Oh and a joke is only funny if both find it funny. Just say no more.

SoaringSwallow · 13/09/2018 07:45

YABU he's not an arsehole. He's an emotional abuser (at least).

As for intelligence, it would seem there's one person in the relationship who has it and it's not the one with the GCSEs.

CherryPavlova · 13/09/2018 07:46

In truth, those unpleasant comments can only hurt you if you believe them and allow yourself to be undermined. It’s not kind it’s not clear how frequently he’s saying them and I think that does make a difference.

The best solution is to get yourself some qualifications now so you don’t feel like you’ve underachieve. Either a couple of A levels, some GCSEs or an OU degree. It will help your long term employment, boos your self esteem and make his comments pale Ito insignificance.

MIdgebabe · 13/09/2018 07:49

You are scared to leave? A small part of you thinks perhaps he is right?
He's not. But he wants you think that way..

Btw, My dad got no o levels. ( that's old fashioned gcse) He did get a good degree.

SheSellSeaShells · 13/09/2018 07:54

he is a cunt. LTB

and again .....LTB

Things will not get better, he will destroy you. It's not a joke to say shit like that, and he bloody knows it.

You're not stupid or an idiot - you were damn unlucky
to get ill and maybe you should look and redoing those GCSE's.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 13/09/2018 08:01

You don't have to leave ...... but he does !
This is abuse, you are being abused by your husband, the father of your child. Your DD will see this OP, she will recognise it as normal and acceptable behaviour. Please speak to Women's Aid, they will advise you how to put the wheels in motion.
Free yourself, and find real love, because if you don't, this horrible man will drain the joy out of you, and you will become a shadow of who you really are.
There are words for men like him ...
Please listen to us all, we can't all be wrong.💐

Singlenotsingle · 13/09/2018 08:03

How can you love someone who makes you feel like a piece of shit? I was a lawyer with a degree and my OH left school at 14 with no qualifications, but he's much brighter than I am. He just didn't have the opportunities I had.

It's never too late to go back and get an education, OP. 20s, 30s, it doesn't matter. Maybe then you'll have the confidence to LTB.

Cutietips · 13/09/2018 08:04

Apart from anything else, he’s not that bright as he appears to be making the conclusion that because many people who do well in their GCSEs are intelligent that those who don’t are necessarily stupid. This is a logical fallacy because there are other factors involved in academic success than intelligence: family support, quality of teaching, self esteem, peer support, hay fever, illness etc.

OP your lack of confidence is shackling you to this man. Please, please get some high quality counselling to improve your self esteem (NOT couples counselling). If possible do the Freedom Programme. And then decide what you want to do with the rest of your life. But being married to someone who abuses you (and it definitely is abuse) should not be part of it. Good luck Flowers.

longwayoff · 13/09/2018 08:08

You've got an insensitive twunt with an inferiority complex who can only feel better about himself by making you feel worse about yourself. You are a bright and witty woman who has fallen into a relationship with said twunt because you don't think you deserve better. You are not abusive by trying to leave him, you are responding as any sane person would. I wish you luck in disposing of him.

CupofTeaPleaseeee · 13/09/2018 08:10

I say this as someone who didnt finish school either. I had severe depression and anxiety and I had to drop out. My DH finished school with top marks and became a successful technician. He would NEVER call me stupid.

We rib each other about things but everyone has their weak spots and we dont use those against each other.

I am currently dealing with anxiety and ROCD so I can sort of understand how you feel. You need to start seeking help outside of the marriage. Speak to your GP about mental health assistance and contact womens shelters. You must show your kids that is not how a relationship should be.

You can do this. It took me a long time to realise this, but not finishing school is not the end to a successful future

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