Is DH an a**hole for this or AIBU

[l0stmummy]

FYI im not trying to toot my own horn here and sorry in advance for my language .

Im not dumb. I did really well in school and was predicted good grades, but I fell ill and the year of my GCSEs I was hospitalised for months. It really screwed up my self confidence and mental health, so I didn't return to school or go to college. I got a job at 16 and worked hard in the same job until I turned 19 and was let go due to financial cuts. I never struggled without my GCSEs. There are several things that I didn't learn in school, and there are big gaps in my knowledge from the bits I missed out on.

DH uses this against me at every opportunity. Idiot is his favourite term for me. He says he likes being with someone who isn't as smart as him. If I can't do something he thinks is easy it's always 'i know you didn't finish school but really?'

It's really fucking degrading. He says it's just a joke but I would've loved to have gotten my GCSEs. And because I didn't i must be thick as pig shit. Like a week or so ago I was 'being a bit difficult' as I was putting down an inflatable pool and couldn't get all the air out. He proceeded to call me stupid and said I shouldve finished school. Sorry mate, I didn't realise that deflating a toddlers paddling pool was part of the fucking curriculum!

Am I just being a bit of a wet wipe? Or is he being an asshole

NO it's not you being abusive, it's him being massively insulting at every opportunity by the sounds of it.

Do not fall for this bullshit. It's called gaslighting. Google it.

Have individual counselling - it really sounds as though your self esteem is rock bottom, hence putting up with this shit. Life is too short!

This morning we had a big row. It ended in him saying we need couples counseling for my emotionally abusive behaviour. It's getting out of hand apparently. Then went to work. Now im second guessing myself Maybe it was me all along.

NO NO NO NO NO
he is gaslighting you, textbook example. He is being abusive. leave him

It's not you, it's him.

I left an emotionally (and occasionally physically) abusive relationship earlier this year. Your relationship sounds similar.

I'm from a poor, working class background and my ex was from a wealthy middle class background. I am more intelligent than him and as educated, but he took great delight in "joking" about my class compared to his. When we first met and I moved into a flat, he'd joke about how awful it was (it was a lovely place that I loved, but he had me doubting myself). He couldn't hold down a job but when I'd help him apply for things, he'd say, "I don't want a shit job like yours" - everything I did was "beneath him".

It escalated from that sort of thing, until I was called a dog, then a worthless dog, every single day. If I disagreed with him, I should obey him because he's better than me. Then if I didn't do as I was told, there'd be a slap or whatever. I'd never have thought I'd put up with being treated like that once, let alone daily. It was a drip drip drip of little "jokes" to whittle away at my self esteem that led us to that point. He too would gaslight me and tell me I was emotionally abusive, but when I went to counselling he mocked that and told me I was wasting my money and that it was useless and not helping me (because it gave me the confidence to tell him to fuck off).

It wasn't until I left that I was able to understand the true impact of the way he treated me on my sense of self and my confidence and see how abusive he was, and how the "little" things I forgave or excused were all part of the pattern of abuse.

Anyway, you deserve so much better than someone who would speak to ANYBODY the way he speaks to you, let alone somebody who is supposed to love and protect you. You are so much better than that. I hope you can get out of that situation, and I guarantee when you look back, no matter how hard it is, you won't regret leaving somebody like that. Imagine someone treating your daughter the way he does you - you'd be horrified. You deserve no less than she does. Good luck.

I have a completely irrational fear of abandonment.. so I stay. I know it's stupid. And I've tried to leave and tried to say im leaving but he says im being abusive trying to leave him

Think of it as you would be doing the abandoning and next time you decide to leave don’t tell him just go or change the locks and kick him out.

I see someone has already mentioned the freedom programme. Friend is divorcing her abusive stbexh and has been going to the meetings (I think you can do it online from other threads I have read).

My friend said she thought it should be taught in schools. If she had known what to look out for she wouldn’t have ended up in this relationship. Things she thought were him being loving she now sees how he controlled her.

I am going to go against the grain and say not to try and get more qualifications. OTOH if you get them then he is still going to dismiss them because it took you x number of years to get GCSEs instead of getting them when you were 16. Or he is going to make damn sure you either can’t go to the lessons or make it impossible for you to study.

By all means do the courses when you have left or he isn’t on the scene but I think your priority is to show your dd that it isn’t right for anyone let alone her father to call her mother derogatory names.

Yes you might love him but he doesn’t love you. He is only with you as he has said because he thinks you are thick.
No matter how much you love him you don’t need this crap.

I have a lot of friends who are single parents. They say it is hard but compared to living with someone who is not supportive or just generally not on their side they much prefer it on their own.

You have 3 choices.

Go and do evening/part time courses to get your GCSEs and a qualification in a certain field and as your dh has said he only wants to be with someone who is less intelligent than him then I think he will leave.

Or

Continue living as you are forever more. Showing your dd that this is how she should expect to be treated in her future relationships.

Or

Leave or kick him out. Do the Freedom Programme and get qualifications and make a great life for you and your dd. Live your life free of all the belittling snide remarks. If you choose there is someone out there who is going to add to your life and not take from it to make them feel superior.

Your husband sounds quite pathetic if it makes him feel superior knowing you didn’t get any GCSEs because you were ill.

Dump and run to a better life.

It's called gaslighting op, what he's done by making you question whether you're the problem.

I haven't rtft but I hope to God u don't have children with this boy.. Putting you down to make himself feel more important or clever is not a joke. What if your children were to start that... Would that be OK? Would you put up with that.
Stand up to him. If he ever mentions it again he's gone... End of.

I love someone who calls se an idiot and takes pleasure in degrading me.

I like this. Use this often or a similar phrase. My mother made me feel terribly inferior because I got such low grades. The problem is she and my father chose to send me to a very poor school, where most of the teaching was substandard and were it happening today I’d no doubt the school would be in special measures. The maths teacher - and this was the top set - spent half the time speaking about his wife instead of teaching the curriculum so there were great chunks of the ‘o’ level maths paper I just didn’t know as I hadn’t been taught. The only quality teaching I had was from my science teacher and I got a B in ‘o’ level. Science was not my strong subject. I could have achieved so much more had I had the extremely high quality of education in an elite state school she benefited from. Despite this I managed to get a degree and along the way discovered that I was actually pretty intelligent.

Perhaps you have answered in the meantime. What did you argue about? It sounds extremely unlikely you are responsible for this morning.

That's a result isn't it? He's agrees to speak to someone who can tell you that you're right and he's wrong.

Justturned50
Yes, it is, as long as he doesn’t charm the pants off the therapist. Gas lighters are good at that.

You’re not ‘stuck’ you’re scared.

He’s gaslighting, intimidating, belittling you. HE is the abusive one.

You need help to leave. How can we help you?

The longer you put up with it the more likely it is that either a) your daughter will start to copy her dad and she'll start calling you 'stupid mummy, or b) she'll have relationships where she herself gets abused.

Your husband's daddy should have just had a wank.

love isnt enough is it u say yourself one good thing he does and then he does 10 bad

doesnt that tellu everything

Just seen your update.

You really could write a list of what abusive people say to their partners.

Friend who is going through a divorce atm (been going on for over a year).

Her stbexh who was physically (he is responsible for some life changing injuries that she suffered), emotionally (he shouted at her calling her thick and pretty much the same as you put and some more awful stuff every night) and financially abusive (he was the one that worked because she had sustained such life altering injuries at his hand that she will never work again so she had to beg for every penny to buy basics or if he was going away. He would leave her for weeks without money when he went on holiday. He would never take her or their children on holiday)

Whilst their divorce has been going on he has said it wasn’t him that was abusive but her. All the things he did he said it was her.

She was the one that beat him up.

She was the one that screamed abuse at him nightly.

She was the one who took all his earnings and wouldn’t give him anything and he had to beg and beg for petrol money to get to work.

It took quite a bit of time but all those things have now been proven in court that he lied. But he continues to lie. To make up stories about what their family life was like.

I went through with her a 45 point statement he did. Apart from his name and d.o.b everything else, including the date of his marriage(he was well off by at least 5.5 years) had to be stated it was a lie, what really happened and evidence produced.

10stmummy what he is doing is called gaslighting. If he tells you that what you are doing enough times is abusive he is hoping you will start to believe his version of the reality and not reality.

Friend 2 weeks after her stbexh was escorted by police from the family home she woke up one night and she suddenly realised that all the things that he had told her were in her mind and she was mental that actually she hadn’t been imagining anything

DO NOT GO TO COUPLES COUNSELLING! He is an abuser, and you should never have counselling with an abuser.

If you're going to have counselling, just go on your own.

YOU are NOT the one being abusive, he is. He's gaslighting you. If you've never heard of that term, look it up, it's a classic abusive technique, used to make the person being abused doubt themselves, and think that they are the problem, not the abuser. As you can see, it works very well, doesn't it? You are now thinking that you're the problem, not him.

If you don't leave him, his abuse will escalate, and if he isn't violent already, he will be. It's called the cycle of abuse, it's so common and they all use the same tactics, that it's been given a name.

Please contact Women's Aid and speak to them. You can do this, lots of us on here have been through this and come out the other side, we felt like you did too at one time, this is why we know that you too can get out.

A word of warning. Don't tell him you're leaving him, abusers become dangerous if they think they're losing their grip on you. Get things into place quietly, and speak to WA about the best way to do this.

Two things- firstly- it’s him....
secondly. Why not go and get your quals? Not for him.... for you, clearly you are smart enough and long term it might help provide a better future/job for you which might make it easier to leave. Would help your confidence I’m sure.

He's an abusive arshole & you certainly don't need him.
Also I agree you should get your qualifications, for you & nobody else-I did mine last academic year & got my results 3 weeks ago, so proud of myself for achieving this whilst dealing with life/family/work, you can do it too

Will someone please explain how you can possibly love someone who treats you like you're something he just stepped in?

Please go and get counselling for yourself (whilst you are getting your 'ducks in a row' - just in case)

Then when you realise it isn't you and you don't want your children to witness this behaviour, you'll be in a strong position to leave.

And if you don't have a job now see what's out there that you think you could do - they often lead on to something else.

Do you know what DARVO is? Google it. I think that will explain what happened this morning. He can see your strength is building.

You've been thoroughly brainwashed OP, by what someone else called the 'drip, drip, drip' of this constant emotional and mental abuse. Abuse by HIM, not you!!!
How can you bear the constant displays of utter contempt??? It's soul-destroying. Please, have a good think about how you want to live the rest of your life.

@Nanny0gg if you've never experienced that type of abuse, I don't think anyone explaining it will help you understand. I'm glad for you that you can't understand, you don't need to but please believe it.

I’ll just repeat what you did earlier.

But for every good there's 10 not so good

Life is too short for that shit.

Please google gaslighting op. You know it's not you. You know. At the very least you know you're miserable. Leave and you'll soon see how much better you feel.

Hes an abusive prick and full of shit.
My dp passed his gcse's and i didnt. I missed a whole year of school because of dropping out to raise my ds. Guess who is the one who constanly asks for simple spellings or proofreading of documents?
Not once have i ever called dp an idiot or stupid because he isnt he is smart in other ways.

Dont go to couples counselling. He will just use it as another way to put you down and emotionaly abuse you!
Ltb
You are worth so much more than this abuser.

@Emma765 I absolutely believe it - I've read so many sad threads on here about it. I can understand dependance and the hold they have. It's just the word 'love' I don't get in the context.

Stay strong, OP. Lots of really good helpful advice on this thread. Please listen to it