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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is DH an a**hole for this or AIBU

189 replies

l0stmummy · 13/09/2018 01:08

FYI im not trying to toot my own horn here and sorry in advance for my language .

Im not dumb. I did really well in school and was predicted good grades, but I fell ill and the year of my GCSEs I was hospitalised for months. It really screwed up my self confidence and mental health, so I didn't return to school or go to college. I got a job at 16 and worked hard in the same job until I turned 19 and was let go due to financial cuts. I never struggled without my GCSEs. There are several things that I didn't learn in school, and there are big gaps in my knowledge from the bits I missed out on.

DH uses this against me at every opportunity. Idiot is his favourite term for me. He says he likes being with someone who isn't as smart as him. If I can't do something he thinks is easy it's always 'i know you didn't finish school but really?'

It's really fucking degrading. He says it's just a joke but I would've loved to have gotten my GCSEs. And because I didn't i must be thick as pig shit. Like a week or so ago I was 'being a bit difficult' as I was putting down an inflatable pool and couldn't get all the air out. He proceeded to call me stupid and said I shouldve finished school. Sorry mate, I didn't realise that deflating a toddlers paddling pool was part of the fucking curriculum!

Am I just being a bit of a wet wipe? Or is he being an asshole

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 13/09/2018 11:50

As per PP, please don't go to counselling with him - it's not recommended in abusive relationships (which this is, just not the way round he claims it is!) as it will give the abuser more ammo.

I thought I recognised your username from a thread you recently posted. Bloody hell, he really is a prince among men, isn't he?

You need to get out of this, for your own sake and that of your little daughter, otherwise she IS going to be in this situation one day.

(FWIW my friend didn't even bother taking her GCSEs because she was too busy partying, so she went back in her mid 20s, when a single mother to two DDs, did an Access course and now has a BSc and an MSc and is a senior biomedical scientist for the NHS - if she can do it...)

I don't think you love him at all, I think you are suffering from some form of Stockholm syndrome. I really hope you find the strength to break free. Flowers

VanGoghsDog · 13/09/2018 11:52

Don't stay with this man/anyone who puts you down.

My ex was like this, sneering if I got something wrong - he didn't really do that much better at school than I did but he liked to think he was very smart. When I met him I had just started doing a law degree with the OU - though I never really meant to do a full degree, just a year, then just the next two, etc.

He was constantly telling people how much he 'had to help me' (he never helped me, I tolerated his interference and hectoring) but when I passed, with a first, he was really put out. He didn't like the fact it showed I was potentially smarter than him. He was rude about my grade and was an hour late for my graduation.

In your shoes, I'd get individual counselling support - see if you can get some clarity in your own mind about what you want.

MissRoadie · 13/09/2018 12:02

If its possible - why don't you retake your exams? Might give you enough confidence to tell him where to go!

Original poster
l0stmummy · 13/09/2018 12:16

Looking into courses to get my GCSEs. Maybe your right and it'll give me the confidence to do what I know I need to.

OP posts:
mumsastudent · 13/09/2018 12:17

you can do level 2 literacy & numeracy at most libraries which is the equivalent of a c in gcse make enquiries its free to do computer based test

Jeippinghmip · 13/09/2018 12:18

May be it’s me all along

It isn’t OP, he’s gaslighting you. You need to get out of this relationship and start living. 💐

Thehop · 13/09/2018 12:21

Your husband is a grade a twat

Go to college and sit your maths and English, speak to a careers advisor. Maybe a counsellor too. Once you’re more confident, you’ll want to leave him.

Motoko · 13/09/2018 12:37

OP, do you understand now that he's gaslighting you? Just remember the next time he does it, that it's him, not you, who is being abusive. Don't give in to self doubt. When you can do that, you'll know you're getting stronger.

Feefeetrixabelle · 13/09/2018 12:44

If you leave him your abandoning him not the other way round. You have standards and he’s falling way short of them. And he’s getting in the way. He’s getting in the way of your confidence. He’s getting in the way of your self belief. I don’t know what your financial situation is but if an education is important to you (and that’s you not him. You.) then look at signing up for an access course and go and blossom. And you will blossom. Without him keeping you in the place he’s chosen for you- you will shine. And whether he ever tells you or not- he will regret it. But never look back. Get a dog and a vibrator op. The dog will love you unconditionally and the vibrator will take care of everything else.

NoFucksImAQueen · 13/09/2018 12:46

you don't love him you just don't want to be alone but is it worth being treated like shit for the rest of your life? don't you want more?

PlinkPlink · 13/09/2018 12:46

My ex was like this.

He was a cunt. Hence the ex status.

He thought because he did an academic subject that meant he was more intelligent than me and pretty much everyone else around him. He did Physics, Maths, Chemistry A Level. Went on to uni to do engineering. Masters in Business.
I did Music, Eng. Lit, Drama A Level. Went on to uni to do Music. Postgrad in teaching.

Everything was a case of he was right and I was wrong. My music taste wasn't exactly the same as his so anything I played was shit. I had different taste in TV shows so anything I watched was shit. I wasn't allowed to record those items either because they were shit. I wasn't allowed to finish putting together my own fucking bedside cabinet because he got frustrated with watching me do it slower than he would so he barged me out the way and finished it. Sarcasm and put downs were the only way he knew how to be humorous. Which grew tedious pretty fucking quickly.

It comes down to a lack of respect for someone. Which is what your OH is demonstrating. It's not fucking funny. It's fucking annoying. Tell him to sort his shit out.

Richard Branson didn't have any fucking GCSEs as far as I can recall so your OH can FOTTFSOF.

Needahairbrush · 13/09/2018 12:46

It’s not you it’s him, please please please look into adult learning and look into taking your maths & English GCSE’s (as a start). For your own self esteem. When you pass you can Shove it up his arse

Mitzimaybe · 13/09/2018 12:51

Has anyone mentioned the Freedom Programme? It might help you see what he's doing and help you to boost your self-esteem and confidence to get out of there.

LemonysSnicket · 13/09/2018 13:11

Go to couples counselling then - hopefully they'll tel him to stop gaslighting you

LemonysSnicket · 13/09/2018 13:12

What are you doing that's remotely abusive? You're allowed to raise issues, you're allowed to be upset, you're allowed to say you're going to leave and then change your mind (so long as you genuinely didn't do it to manipulate him)

Starlight345 · 13/09/2018 13:18

I have a few things to add

Abusive men are nice sometimes.

Your mh will improve with out him.

Please do the freedom program . You will learn a lot.

I also want to add sometimes as you learn his behaviour is wrong and challenge it he will want you back in your box. Bear in mind he will absolutely believe his behaviour is fine and will justify it some ways.

When you are ready make your plan to leave and then do so.

RavenLG · 13/09/2018 13:20

Accept his offer of couples counselling. In 5 minute the therapist will put him in his place. Maybe then it will give you the confidence to realise he’s a cunt and you need to leave. He doesn’t love you, he demeans you and doesn’t respect you and enjoys seeing you hurt. “There are good times” when? When he’s not putting you down at every opportunity? When he’s not gaslighting you? When he’s not disrespecting you? Come on OP, please leave him. Your children will grow up thinking your relationship is normal.

Brokenmyankleandfoot · 13/09/2018 13:21

Get rid of him.

My ex told me I was stupid and I’d never have anything. He had a degree and half a masters he didn’t finish and he used to get at me all the time because I didn’t have a degree.

I left him. Because he was an abusive gaslighting fuck.

I did a degree as a fuck you to him, really. Found I loved it and I’m 50 and I’m doing a funded PhD. I’ve found my space and my thing and in a couple of years I’ll be a doctor. And no one ever calls me stupid now.

PlinkPlink · 13/09/2018 13:28

But let's not forget to add here that you don't necessarily need those qualifications to be considered intelligent. Society does alot of the time though.

You sound like a very intelligent and capable woman OP... you can do what you want. Take the GCSEs, go onto higher learning if you want... or don't. You still shouldn't have to validate yourself to him or anyone else for that matter by earning qualifications.

hannah1992 · 13/09/2018 13:53

My dh didn't do his GCSEs at school either. It didn't effect his life at all. He had to do the equivalent to English and maths 5 years ago and did really well.

Never have I ever berated him for it. He is really smart.

And no deflating a pool is not something we was taught in school either

Yanbu he's a dick

Motoko · 13/09/2018 14:19

Go to couples counselling then - hopefully they'll tel him to stop gaslighting you

Accept his offer of couples counselling. In 5 minute the therapist will put him in his place.

NO, NO, NO! It doesn't work like that, and that's why domestic abuse agencies tell women NOT to go to couples counselling. OP should have counselling on her own.

Starlight345 · 13/09/2018 14:35

Oh god please ignore the go to couples counselling comment . It doesn’t work in abusive situations.

Shouldershrugger · 13/09/2018 14:52

Sorry op but your dh is mofo asshole

londonmummy1966 · 13/09/2018 14:54

When I did a postgraduate course one of the best students on it had no O levels and had come to studying later in life via the Open University - you don't normally need any GCSEs to start a degree course with them - last day of registration is today.....

wildbhoysmama · 13/09/2018 15:00

Op, I'm educated to degree and postgrad level and some of the most intelligent, interesting people I know have no or few qualifications. My OH left school at 16, is a plumber and one of the smartest, cleverest, witty people I know. Go tell him.to fuck himself.