Is DH an a**hole for this or AIBU

[l0stmummy]

FYI im not trying to toot my own horn here and sorry in advance for my language .

Im not dumb. I did really well in school and was predicted good grades, but I fell ill and the year of my GCSEs I was hospitalised for months. It really screwed up my self confidence and mental health, so I didn't return to school or go to college. I got a job at 16 and worked hard in the same job until I turned 19 and was let go due to financial cuts. I never struggled without my GCSEs. There are several things that I didn't learn in school, and there are big gaps in my knowledge from the bits I missed out on.

DH uses this against me at every opportunity. Idiot is his favourite term for me. He says he likes being with someone who isn't as smart as him. If I can't do something he thinks is easy it's always 'i know you didn't finish school but really?'

It's really fucking degrading. He says it's just a joke but I would've loved to have gotten my GCSEs. And because I didn't i must be thick as pig shit. Like a week or so ago I was 'being a bit difficult' as I was putting down an inflatable pool and couldn't get all the air out. He proceeded to call me stupid and said I shouldve finished school. Sorry mate, I didn't realise that deflating a toddlers paddling pool was part of the fucking curriculum!

Am I just being a bit of a wet wipe? Or is he being an asshole

He's been an arse, you should never call someone thick or an idiot even if they are.

Seriously,
Some of the brightest people
I know have next to no qualifications (resulting from awful school experiences in the main). I wish I could introduce you to some of them! They all now work in jobs/trades that they love and thrive in.
Oh deary dear. What an arse your husband is being.
I have solutions, just sympathy

Gcse's are a piece of paper. You didn't get a chance to study for them. That categorically does not make you stupid.

Please don't put up with being disrespected. Get some counseling to help you work out why you feel you have to stay with someone who treats you like this.
I suspect it makes him feel big and clever to put you down like this - but you shouldn't stand for it.

I had this. First from my father who didn’t believe women even needed an education. I failed everything at school. Then my DH, who always used to say he was the one with the brains, even though he failed his A levels. My self confidence was zero.

Anyway I LTB and went back to college. I passed my GCSEs with flying colours. I applied to do nursing and got in. Whilst waiting to start I did two A levels and again passed with grade As. I found out that actually I’m pretty good at studying and I passed my nursing diploma and I now have a degree and a post grad in education.

You only have one life OP. You have to get out of this abusive relationship and start living your own life. Find a way, you really have to.

No one deserves to be treated like that. All of this in front of your children too. 😔

Start studying for some GSCEs now. You can do them as an adult, you will probably find some daytime courses if that is easier. Once you have some Under your belt you will feel more confident.

Take control of your life and stop putting up with his abuse.

I really don't understand OP what there is to love about him.

I think you're confusing love with a fear of being alone.

That's disgusting.

I'm not usually one to say leave him but he sounds awful and clearly has no respect for you. He's keeping your self confidence low to keep you with him.

It's understandable if you really can't leave him. I would go to night school, get my GCSEs, get some counselling and hopefully build up lots of confidence on the way to stick two fingers up at him.

Wow! Isn't he the cunt.

My husband didn't do well at school, he didn't like it. I'm a degree level professional and he is far more intelligent than me.

He's just using that as a stick to beat you with. If it wasn't that, it would be something else.

If he's a cunt like that normally, then you might be describing as "great times" what for others is normal civil behaviour.
Please find a way out of this abusive marriage. He's not worth you.

One is the Freedom Programme, and the second is doing some courses, even online ones to start with, and getting yourself some paper qualifications. I probably wouldn't tell your H about this either. Don't give him the chance to run you down, just go and do it.

^^ This is what you should do - or least have it as an aim to work towards.

OU do good access courses: www.open.ac.uk/courses/do-it/access - though it does cost and I'm not sure what financial help you'd get though when you get in touch they are usually very helpful.

freesites:
www.memrise.com/
www.duolingo.com/ for langauages
www.khanacademy.org/ maths and science

Haven't used www.futurelearn.com/ but it's supposed to be good.

Local collegues definetly worth a look - maths and English GCSE would be very useful and most places do GCSE in them.

No one that supposedly lives you should be putting you down like this, you deserve so much better. Ditch him, go and sit your GCSE’s and improve you self confidence.

Wow.

Ok. My dsis was with someone really similar. She didn't work, had no control of finances, no say in what they did, he always got his own way, manipulated, patronised, humiliated, degraded. They have a daughter.

She finally left him after 20 years, got a job, a new home, is getting back her self esteem - and now has a man who writes notes in her lunchbox (sandwiches he's made for her), texts her just to find out how her day is going, tells her she's amazing, strong etc. She's not used to it, but she feels fantastic after such a difficult time initially 'getting out'.

Please give yourself a chance op. Life is a long time to feel shit, no matter how much you love him. You can do it if you choose to.

Probably that fear is a big part of the reason that you got together in the first place. He does sound massively insecure and mean because he has instinctively found your biggest pressure point and uses it. But how often / who in front of / what else he says might come into the equation. So does he tell you that you are wonderful/funny/clever/loyal/best partner ever most of the time? Or at least half of the time? Or some of the time??

Anyhow, he's not going to change so you can't do much about him. You can, as others have posted, finish at least some of your GSCE's: www.gov.uk/improve-english-maths-it-skills
www.nidirect.gov.uk/articles/learning-free

Or take online OU courses (if you have the money), ask your local council about subsidised or free adult ed courses. All of which will show you OH, but more importantly to yourself, that you are a capable learner. Maybe talk to a counsellor too about your worries because it sounds like they are holding you back.

But for every good there's 10 not so good

Please understand that ALL abusive relationships are like this. There are always ‘good times’ because without them you would easily be able to leave. Those good times are all part of the cycle that keeps you stuck in that situation.

When I was in my abusive relationship I watched the SATC movie (I know, I know...) and there’s a bit where they talk about happiness in a relationship. Charlotte says she feels happy in her relationship ‘every day’. I watched that and thought it was ridiculous, surely no one really feels like that?

Now I’ve been with a new partner for three years and yes, I really do feel happy with him every single day. I can’t believe I ever thought how I felt before was just normal. One happy day to every ten shitty days (or whatever the ratio is) is not good enough. You deserve so much more

I was I didn't love him
I really don't believe that what you feel is love. It's familiarity. Even if it was love, then he sure as hell doesn't love you. He says he likes being with you as he thinks you are stupid, it bolsters his low self esteem.

What he is doing is emotional abuse.

Threating to leave or actually leaving is not you being abusive, it's an act of self preservation.

You, and only you can make the decision to leave. If you can't bear the thought of leaving now, put an escape plan in place so that when you find the strength you can just go. Make copies of documents, squirrel away some hidden savings, talk to women's aid/citizens advice etc.

From what you say, I don't believe you are stupid so, in the meantime, look for some courses to fill in the gaps in your education and try to stop letting him know that his bullying is working. Next time he makes some comment, just say "you're so right, it's such a shame I couldn't finish my education" but silently, inside your head you say "but I'm doing something about that"

I know these things are easier said than done, but whenever you feel your self esteem falling, you come back here and you will find the support to keep moving forward.

You need to get out for the sake of your DD. While you stay, she is leatning that women are stupid and men can put them down.

Good luck.

Please understand that ALL abusive relationships are like this. There are always ‘good times’ because without them you would easily be able to leave. Those good times are all part of the cycle that keeps you stuck in that situation.

^^This! It's this knowledge that finally gave dsis the strength to leave. She could no longer live for the 'good' times and realised it was not normal.

He doesn’t sound very nice at all.

I was in a similar position until my late 40s (education wise only, my DH was and is lovely). I then did a free vocational course in an area that interested me and now 10 years later have an MSc in that area and work at a high level in that field and am the most highly qualified member of my family. I am no more or less intelligent now than I was previously it’s just that, like the scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz, I now have a piece of paper!

Your Husband sounds very insecure but boosting his own ego and insecurity by belittling and abusing you is not ok. It’s not ok for you and it’s worse for your DC. He will probably start to treat them the same way at some point in the future. As will their future life partners. Every day you tolerate this you are showing them that his benavuour is loving and acceptable.

Couples counselling might help with this IF he is willing to attend and open to change, but he may not be. After all, this situation is working well for him. Individual counselling might help you get some perspective and restore your self esteem and self worth to the point you can see him for what he is and act accordingly.

Your lack of education is not the problem here, everyone has different skills and we all have gaps in our knowledge, hence the well known Muppets catchphrase ‘learning all the time’ . Your lack of confidence and abusive husband are the problems here and you can change that situation when you are ready.

LittleLionMansMummy I’m so glad your sister came to that realisation and was able to get out. It’s so sad that every single thread on here from an unhappy wife or girlfriend includes a sentence about how ‘he’s not all bad, we have some great times’. That’s how I felt in my relationship and it made me feel like I couldn’t leave because he wasn’t 100% abusive. It’s awful that we expect so little for ourselves

Qualifications don’t determine intelligence. One of the most intelligent, nice , funny, genuine and articulate person I know has no formal qualifications. ‘He likes being with someone less intelligent’ yes so he can belittle them. so What qualifications does he actually have?

He sounds like an absolute cock. My MIL has just divorced her ex who sounds a lot like your husband - he’d call her stupid and blondie and would put her down at every opportunity. It took her 15 years to finally pluck up the courage to leave him. She’s met someone new now who treats her like an absolute princess. I hope for the same for you one day.

You may love him......

But he despises you.

Nice thing for your DD to learn. That even if Daddy despises Mummy and has contempt for her, Mummy always goes back for more.

This morning we had a big row. It ended in him saying we need couples counseling for my emotionally abusive behaviour. It's getting out of hand apparently. Then went to work. Now im second guessing myself. Maybe it was me all along.

Thank you all for everything though

I think you know it isn't you.