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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH an a**hole for this or AIBU

189 replies

l0stmummy · 13/09/2018 01:08

FYI im not trying to toot my own horn here and sorry in advance for my language .

Im not dumb. I did really well in school and was predicted good grades, but I fell ill and the year of my GCSEs I was hospitalised for months. It really screwed up my self confidence and mental health, so I didn't return to school or go to college. I got a job at 16 and worked hard in the same job until I turned 19 and was let go due to financial cuts. I never struggled without my GCSEs. There are several things that I didn't learn in school, and there are big gaps in my knowledge from the bits I missed out on.

DH uses this against me at every opportunity. Idiot is his favourite term for me. He says he likes being with someone who isn't as smart as him. If I can't do something he thinks is easy it's always 'i know you didn't finish school but really?'

It's really fucking degrading. He says it's just a joke but I would've loved to have gotten my GCSEs. And because I didn't i must be thick as pig shit. Like a week or so ago I was 'being a bit difficult' as I was putting down an inflatable pool and couldn't get all the air out. He proceeded to call me stupid and said I shouldve finished school. Sorry mate, I didn't realise that deflating a toddlers paddling pool was part of the fucking curriculum!

Am I just being a bit of a wet wipe? Or is he being an asshole

OP posts:
DiegoMad0nna · 13/09/2018 01:50

But you would be abandoning him, not vice versa! So there's nothing to fear! You deserve better, and trust me, there are many better men out there.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/09/2018 01:53

He has ALREADY abandoned you. His abandonment is emotional and more damaging than if he just walked out the door and never returned. If you can't do this for yourself, do this for your child. Staying with your husband is sentencing your child to a lifetime of turmoil and insecurity.

TheDowagerCuntess · 13/09/2018 01:55

I read threads like this and imagine it's my DD and it makes me feel panicky. Sad

This is not normal, and it's not right.

What does it say about your husband, if all he could 'get' was some dumbarse who couldn't finish school...?

Clearly this isn't what he really thinks - but for some reason, he actively chooses to be horrible to you. To make you feel bad. Why?

Have you spoken about this before? I mean, outside of an actual argument when he's saying it? Have you sat down with him in the cold light of day and explained how it makes you feel? That it makes you want to leave him.

Because if so, and he still carries on doing it, he's not worthy of being with.

It's only funny when both people are laughing.

You deserve much, much better. Thanks

Motoko · 13/09/2018 02:04

Of course it's not easy to leave, but the longer you put it off, the more he'll erode your self esteem, which will make it even harder to leave.

All the time you're with this dickhead, the more of your life you're wasting, time that could be spent being happy.

Don't tell him you're leaving, just do it.

SpareASquare · 13/09/2018 02:08

I have a completely irrational fear of abandonment.. so I stay. I know it's stupid. And I've tried to leave and tried to say im leaving but he says im being abusive trying to leave him

I'm sorry it's so hard. I am.
I also have to ask what it is you think you are teaching your children, assuming you have them? And is it what you want them to learn? ie: Is this what you hope they seek. Consciously or unconsciously?

diamondcity1 · 13/09/2018 02:12

Tell him to fuck off! If you stay together, he will destroy you. He is a low-esteem, spiteful arse (ask me how I know).

Original poster
l0stmummy · 13/09/2018 02:12

Of course not. I want my DD to be happy with whoever she is with. And I do love DH. We have some great times. But for every good there's 10 not so good. Im stuck between a rock and a hard place.

OP posts:
Anastassiabeaverhausen · 13/09/2018 02:14

He's an absolute prick and an abusive bastard. Do whatever you need to do to leave.

Appygolucky1234 · 13/09/2018 02:17

OP - is there someone irl you can talk to? Work through your options? This runs deeper than a few spiteful comments.

Get some running away money sorted, squirrel away, make sure he can’t get at it and make sure you start working out what you are entitled to and what you can do.

You are stronger than you know. Life is short and you owe it to yourself and your children to not accept what you know to be wrong.

Pluckedpencil · 13/09/2018 02:26

He gets his kicks from putting you down. He knows the school thing is what gets under your skin so he uses it. I'd start mentioning whatever gets under his skin every time he does it. E.g. "can't you even deflate a paddling pool, you drop out?". Response: "I don't know, can't you find your way to the gym fatty?", "Can't you open your mouth without saying something nasty, asshole?"

TheDowagerCuntess · 13/09/2018 02:30

The thing about tit for tat is, the minute you go down this road, you're admitting it's all over.

A loving couple just doesn't speak to each other this way - making them feel degraded, and then being insulted in turn.

That's an awful way to live.

By all means do it - give him a taste of his own awful medicine - but you're just hammering nails into the coffin.

beclev24 · 13/09/2018 02:35

OMG I rarely say this, but this is emotional abuse. Get the fuck out of there!

Original poster
l0stmummy · 13/09/2018 02:35

I wish things were different. I wish I didnt love him

OP posts:
NoLightInTheTunnel · 13/09/2018 03:12

My ex's favourite term for me was 'stupid idiot'. So even more stupid than an idiot, although I am rather more intelligent than him.

He called me that one time too often, and I LTB, and it was the best thing I ever did. Five years down the line I have regained my self confidence and will never take any shit from any man ever again.

Haireverywhere · 13/09/2018 03:13

Our partners are supposed to be our cheerleaders OP. He's getting his self esteem boost from draining yours.

What would he have to do for you to leave him?

It's OK to leave people we love. If they are abusive it's quite common to love them, feel we could not cope alone AND need to leave them. Loving someone who hurts you is only going to hurt you more and in different ways the longer you stay.

BradleyPooper · 13/09/2018 03:16

I get that you have a fear of abandonment and this can be terrifying .... but you don't seem to have a fear of emotional abuse, being made to feel small and worthless? Your dh should be your biggest cheerleader, not someone who makes you feel crap.

Blendingrock · 13/09/2018 03:21

I wish we lived in a world where everyone treated each other the way we want to be treated, but we don't, and we don't because we let people get away with treating others badly.

You say you love him. Why do you love him? Get a pad of paper and divide it into 2 columns. On the left hand side write down everything you love about him. On the right hand side write down everything you don't. Be honest. This is for you, no-one else has to see it or know about it.

If the list of things you don't love about him is longer than the list of things you do love about him, then you need to honestly ask yourself if you love him, for him, or you love the person you want him to be.

I spent 8 years married to a man who my family couldn't stand, my friends couldn't stand, who could be charming and loving one minute and cruel and cutting the next. He could be the life and soul of a party until everyone was gone, then he'd become abusive. At first it was just verbal, and "just joking". He'd ask me to get him something, say a beer from the fridge. If I objected he'd say "Why have a dog and bark yourself?" He constantly told me I'd have a great figure if I lost a little bit of weight. I was a size 12. He had these sayings that he thought were hilarious - like "Life's a b*tch, then you marry one, then you die". Such a charmer. Then the verbal became physical.

For years I refused to see him for what he was, I didn't even want to think about it let alone admit he treated me badly, and I was letting him, because admitting it meant I had to decide what to do about it. It took me a good couple of years to decide to leave, but once I did decide, it was done pretty quickly. Of course the fall out was sheer hell, but it passed. If I had stayed, I wouldn't have the lovely life I have now with a man I adore, and who adores me.

You owe it to yourself to be adored too, you DO deserve it, and so does your child.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/09/2018 03:29

"I love someone who calls me an idiot and takes pleasure in degrading me."

Say that to yourself in a mirror until the blinders finally fall off.

penisbeakers · 13/09/2018 03:31

He is a total piece of shit and you should dump him.

neffall · 13/09/2018 04:10

I wonder whether you can flip this round and gradually stop doing things for him. If he questions it you could reply by saying you're too stupid to know how to do his ironing.

Or would that make him worse?

He is treating you with contempt and derision. If you can't leave him for yourself, leave him for your kids.

SpareASquare · 13/09/2018 04:16

I want my DD to be happy with whoever she is with

She's learning what is acceptable from you. Don't for a second believe that she's not picking up on anything.

Your 'normal' is her 'normal'. The way you are treated will be ok and normal to her right now. Continue or don't but don't kid yourself that your child isn't learning some pretty big lessons

Harmonyrays · 13/09/2018 04:19

Look into the women's aid freedom program. You are worth so much more. Not having GCSEs does not make you any less of a person.

NewUserNameTime · 13/09/2018 04:35

Fully agree with everyone here.

He is abusive. You deserve more. He will continue to chip away at your self worth. Your DD will learn this is normal.

Please get a new life

LellyMcKelly · 13/09/2018 04:42

That is horrible abusive behaviour by a man who is supposed to love you. Do you really want your DD to grow up with that?

CatRen27 · 13/09/2018 04:42

Demeaning, bullying arsehole. LTB.

And what pps have said, get to college, get your qualifications and gain that self confidence back. Best of luck!

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