AIBU to say DD can't stay at home and quit her job?

[SecurityPesto]

Hello,

My daughter is 20 and doing an Access to HE course. She just started it this year.

She works in a supermarket 2 days a week (only 12 hours in total).

She has her college on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. She is off the other days. Works 6 hours Monday and Sunday. She cannot change her shifts as that was the initial plan, but her manager can't do that as no availability.

She is saying her Monday is far too difficult. She gets up at 6am - home at 4pm and goes to work at 5pm-11pm. However, this is the only day she has to do this. The Tuesday and Wednesday are college and she does the other shift on the Sunday.

She isn't allowed to drop to one shift and cannot swap any shifts, so the only option would be for her to leave.

AIBU to say she can't stay at home and not continue the job?

Genuinely please. This is quite difficult as I have 2 older DC who moved out at 18 for uni and never lived back at home again, so I don't know the best way for this.

If dd thinks the Mon is too much its fair enough I'd have been fine with it but I had to work really, could she not maybe do a Saturday day shift plus a day shift on one if her weekdays off, adding up to 10 /12 hrs?, Not sure where you are but Greggs, card factory, home bargains, wetherspoons and I think pound land all had ads in their window for part time staff today when I went into town for coffee before work for everyone!

Also know a couple of students at my workplace who do a night a week in a care home 8-8 I think they do, works out at a few hundred quid a month they do the night then sleep on a day off uni Til about 3 then can get up and study, socialise etc

When I was a student nurse I would often finish a full day at uni and do a similar twighlight shift (6-11) at a nursing home straight after. I also used to waitress which involves split shifts - so coming home at 3pm and going back to work at 6pm.
It is full on and if my DC were struggling with such a work pattern I would be sympathetic. But.. at 20 personally I had loads of energy and actually quite enjoyed being busy and really really needed the money, but I was living away from home. If your daughter is still at home maybe it's not so vital for her to be working such shifts. I think I'd be inclined agree she should be supported to give it up and look for another job.

Tell her it prepares her for family life.

Today I started at 7am with school run, am now walking dog. Training at 9.30 then working 11-12 1-2 and doing school run. Then taking the kids to work, 1.5 hours there, making dinner, putting kids to bed and off to work 7-11

It usually to have one simply mental day

Hi OP. Yes sorry I do think you are being very U.

If you can afford to support her in the short while, then I’d do so because regardless of all the bragging on this thread from everyone about how hard they’ve had it, it is still a long day and you have to wonder about about the long term repercussions of this on her health and studies.

I recently started working 2 jobs - 9:30-5 and then 10-7 overnight with a little bit of sleep in between. Let me tell you, I felt unsafe. By the end of the night I couldn’t keep my eyes open even waiting for my partner to pick me up. There is no way I could drive the 20 minutes drive to home safely - let alone 55 minutes like your daughter has to. Thankfully I no longer have to work 2 jobs.

The last thing you want is for her studies to suffer and all that precious time and effort would of been wasted. I was very fortunate in that my Dad paid to support me through university and whilst I felt incredibly guilty (because he isn’t a rich man), it meant I worked harder and got top marks because I could dedicate more time to studying (I’m not naturally academic) and now I’ve got a top grade masters which again I never dreamed I’d get. The point is, had I been stressed out constantly and shattered, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

I see people saying welcome to the real world, that’s life blah blah blah. She’s 20, she’s got all the time in the world to realise this and live ‘like an adult’ but right now she’s young and trying her best to improve her future prospects - as a parent, why wouldn’t you want to make her life easier?

I’m not saying don’t encourage her to not work but if you can help her out in the interim until she finds something more suitable then why not. If she works in a supermarket, ask her to find out if the company has an internal job transfer website e.g Sainsbury’s has InsideMove which means you can look for vacancies in your local area (could be in the same shop) and transfer internally so she may be able to find a role in a different department with better hours for her studies.

Better she works her backside off now to get good qualifications than fail and end up working at a supermarket forever (I know it’s what some people have to do but it’s not something that is aspired towards is it).

As someone that does 15hour shifts sometimes, yabvu, Monday is an 18 hour day for her and she has college the next day.

I think her Sunday-Monday schedule sounds terrible - not conducive to studying.

@flumpybear
Probably not. Supermarkets aren’t always great at being accommodating. I recently wanted to drop 8 hours as I’d got a second job but they weren’t having any of it - even though the hours I was willing to work was Friday and Saturday. If they want to be difficult, they will be. Thankfully I no longer have to do this.

It’s a shit balance. She should definitely go all out to find a different job. But you don’t quit till you do!!

She’s got experience now so more chance of getting something new than before. Also employers look more favourably on people already in work when employing.

She's telling you she can't handle it. Would you prefer she quits college instead??

Make it clear you are not prepared to cover her lifestyle but beyond that it's her choice. If she's paying rent to live with you she has to pay that still so she needs to find another job or save for a bit.

Personally I think threatening to kick out your 20 Yr old because she's struggling doing an 18 hour day and then two full days at college is ridiculous but hey ho

And she’s completely off to study or relax all day Thursday Friday and Saturday and up till 5pm Sunday.

She won't have to get a job at Uni like the older kids didn't?

So does that mean you subsidised them?

So that reads that the kids who went straight from college to Uni at 18 never worked until they left Uni cos you supported her but her punishment for having to redo college or doing college later is that you want to kick her out if she says she can't manage the full of Sun-Wed?
Presumably she's doing college work on those days off too?

I'd say she could leave it when she finds another job.

The Monday might be hard going but that's life I'm afraid. It's not as if that's every day, it's one day and she's a young adult, she can do it.

I disagree with the majority I am afraid.

If she is doing an Access to HE course it suggests that she may not have the requisite grades to get straight on to the course. What if in the Monday sessions she is set preparation or prereading for the Tuesday/Wednesday sessions. If she has not done that prior to the Tuesday session purely because she is doing a minimum wage shift she is putting her chances of completing the course successfully at risk, thus putting her HE at risk and presumably her future career.

I would let her leave but encourage her to look for something else asp.

In the short term it's doable, I used to do college mon- Fri full time, finish at 3:10 and run to start my job 3:30-10pm 4 days a week... She could Find something else in her spare time

She is not doing 7 hours at college. She is doing 6. Hour will be lunch so 5. Plus 6 hours job.
She is waking up unnecessarily early too. She could well wake up at 7 have a nearly hour to get ready (if she wants to go bit earlier due to traffic).
She finishes at 3, gets home at 4, has 45 min break the dashes off to work.
Yes, it is still a lot (well, between 10-11 hours excluding breaks and travel), especially with the hour of travel, but it's doable. And if she doesn't or can't do it, she needs to secure new job first.

I agree with people saying it's better to have the 3 full days off. It's so much easier to do assignments when you had nice sleep and have all day for it without interruptions.

That Monday sounds quite rough when she doesn't get to bed late on the Sunday.

I would want her main priority to be her education and if her shift patterns are affecting her ability to study at all then I would be much more understanding.

She does have the rest of her working life to work hard and put up with hard shift patterns, right now I would want her to concentrate on her studies so she can get a decent career.

I would still encourage her to find another job before leaving but I would not be threatening to kick her out.

She really ought to have some kind of work, although maybe not that job. The fact is, those who work have better course discipline and better grades. There was an article about it, quoting research, in the Guardian last year, or the one before. I can't remember the details, but it makes sense. The work encourages organisation and all sorts of other skill development.

I really don't get all this 'I was working 23 hours a day, sleeping on the bus and going straight to uni' posts. I mean, I moved out at 17, worked, struggled. Often had no money for proper food, stressed about getting through the day.
Why would you want your children to struggle just because you did? Life is hard enough, it will throw shit at her in time. Why not let her study and stop trying to teach her lessons about difficulty.

This "easier to get a job when you have a job" stuff might be valid for an established professional, but I really don't buy it with casual part time jobs in retail, services, etc. When I was a student I generally worked, but quit the job if it was affecting my studies and then got another job afterwards. Never had a problem doing this and my parents absolutely fine with this, as their main concern was that I could do well in college. There's 40+ years of work ahead of her, I don't see the problem in giving her a bit of support here.

The people saying she has 3 days off are missing the point - she needs to be able to concentrate when she's in college and that's difficult to do with her schedule being so unbalanced.

I say let her quit now as it's affecting her studies, then she can look for a more suitable job. It's also possible that when she tells them she's leaving they might be more flexible about changing shifts.

Let her do what she wants but make it clear you won't be providing any necessaries. A few weeks being skint and she will look for work. Key point here is not to cave in and feel sorry for her. Make her take the consequences of her actions.

Just going from when I was her age at uni... mon-fri 9am-5pm in uni for lectures or studio time (art degree so genuinely was working/studying those hours) Then I had a part time job in a bar 3 nights- mon, wed and sat 7pm-1am. I also went out with my friends and had a boyfriend! I was fine- young and full of energy!

Everyone is different of course, but it doesn't seem bad at all to me!

YANBU. I used to do what your DD does 2 weekdays a week whilst studying for my A levels and also Friday and Saturday, sometimes working 11pm-6am and then back in 12 hours later for a 6pm-11pm shift. It wasn’t unusual either, most of my friends did this too.

When I was her age (in the dark ages!) I got up at 5am every day to look after Dads horse, ride it, muck out etc, got to work for 9am (admittedly a desk job so not physically active), left work at 5pm. Then Tuesday and Thursday did a part time degree course so not home until 10pm, Monday ,Wednesday and Friday worked in a pub 6-11pm - later on a Friday.

I managed.

She's 20 for heavens sake!

Depends what the DD is like. If she has form for lazing about and wouldn't bother looking for another job then I can see your point.

On the other hand her hours now are far from ideal so if I were her I'd definitely be looking for a different job with more suitable hours. I would have thought her college course should be the priority.

As a parent I would be happy to provide a safety net of food and shelter for my child while they look for a more suitable job. I wouldn't give her spending money if she was out of work (although I'd help with travel as a loan) and I would expect her to do a lot to help around the house if she had so much free time.

Why on earth someone at the age of 20 would want to do a full time office job and work 3 nights a week in a pub and do a part time course is beyond me. That is complete overkill - where is the time to actually enjoy life?