AIBU to say DD can't stay at home and quit her job?

[SecurityPesto]

Hello,

My daughter is 20 and doing an Access to HE course. She just started it this year.

She works in a supermarket 2 days a week (only 12 hours in total).

She has her college on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. She is off the other days. Works 6 hours Monday and Sunday. She cannot change her shifts as that was the initial plan, but her manager can't do that as no availability.

She is saying her Monday is far too difficult. She gets up at 6am - home at 4pm and goes to work at 5pm-11pm. However, this is the only day she has to do this. The Tuesday and Wednesday are college and she does the other shift on the Sunday.

She isn't allowed to drop to one shift and cannot swap any shifts, so the only option would be for her to leave.

AIBU to say she can't stay at home and not continue the job?

Genuinely please. This is quite difficult as I have 2 older DC who moved out at 18 for uni and never lived back at home again, so I don't know the best way for this.

On a Sunday night your DD will be getting a minimum of 6 hours sleep

Sounds bloody brilliant to me. I got less than that myself today after I worked a ten hour shift that finished at 4am. And I’m 46 😩

But had to get up as I had things to do, as does this young woman. I suspect she’ll live.

I kind of agree with OP I work 5-11.30 4 nights a week....get up at 6am with 2 young children after having usually been up the majority of the night with the kid who doesn't sleep. Do all the care of the kids walk 6 miles a day school runs sort the housework and make dinner and go off to work at 5pm whenever DP comes home from work.
Unfortunatrly such is life....if u need money you have to work and sometimes the hours aren't ideal but again that's life.
It's one day a week I've been doing the same job and same hours since college it really won't kill her rather than her giving up and expecting to live off mum and dad !

Meh. At that age I was working 9-5.30, and I had an evening job 3 nights a week, and every other Saturday. I did that for 4 years. So it’s doable.

However, having also done an access course, that is bloody hard work. She’d have to put a lot of time in on her days off if she wants to do well.

So she’s working 6 hours, coming home and getting a maximum of 6 hours sleep, waking up and driving an hour to do 7 hours at college, another hours drive, another 6 hours at work, a maximum of only 6 hours sleep again, driving an hour again for another 7hours at college to then driving for another hour.

In 3 days she gets 12 hours sleep max and is out the house for 30 hours.

Yes YABU.

YABU. She's going to college as well as working. Where's the time to look over Monday's college work to prepare for Tuesday?

If I could afford to support my child while they studied I absolutely would. I'd let her focus on study. I'd be covering living costs. And if she managed to find another weekend job then that would be her money.

I think if she is really unhappy you should compromise and let her find a new job before quitting the old one. Being so young she should be able to cope. I had a bar job while I studied and kept working on a Friday night when I picked up full time work because I liked it.

Much as I find the "that would have been a spa day for me" posters hilarious, I do think she needs to harden up.

I used to do days like that all the time when I was at university - up at 6am to catch the bus, finish classes at 3/4, bus home, scoff dinner, do the evening shift as a waitress 5/6pm-11/12. At least twice a week.

Until today it never occurred to me to think of it as anything other than just what you do as a student. All my friends were similar.

I'm with her on this one, it's not just the Monday, it's the knock on effect for the Tuesday too. She means to be learning but I bet she does hardly any of that on the Tues.

Look she can do it.

I did an access course and worked part time. Some long days, early morning etc.

It does sound like she would be better looking for other work. All supermarkets are taking on right now. Asda, for example, will keep some Christmas staff on if they are impressed by them. She should find another job with more suitable hours.

She may say she doesn't what temporary as she won't have anything after Christmas. But how is that any different to her not having anything for the next few weeks/months until she gets something else.

If she feels the hours are so bad it's impacting her, she needs to get another job. Not just walk out of this one.

my DD (20) often had work shifts like this - she was fine, and could keep up with her studies as well, so it can be done.
(she is now studying abroad for a year and is not allowed to work so I have to fund her)

what is a bit mean, is that you are thinking of making her leave home if she quits!

how on earth would that help her?

but I agree, if she doesn't like the hours, then find another job.

YABU.
Look at the bigger picture.
For all her college work days she’s going to be knackered, so she’s going to struggle to concentrate. If she fails, then what?
Not progress to university for the sake of poorly timed shifts in a part time job? If she’s tired, she’s tired and she won’t do well at college. And then you might find her living with you for a lot longer.

I'm another one who didn't read it as OP wanting to evict her.

I think the issue is the Sunday shift, not the Monday one per se. If she could get to bed by 10pm before getting up at 6 on Monday that may make a difference.

I think I would be inclined to say that I would cover her living costs, ie room and board but that she is responsible for all of her personal costs such as mobile phone, toiletries, make up, clothes. So the job she gets and the amount she earns very much depends upon how much she wants or spends on these things.

I used to do 4 shifts of 5 till 11 a week. It was at Tesco and it wasn't easy. The next day I wouldn't get up till 10ish. You have to stay alert for the drive home, then wind down a bit, by this time it's 2am. It's a hard long day and I think you are being a bit unreasonable.
You said your other 2 didn't work through college because they were younger, and don't work through university.
What was you daughter doing for the past 4 years? Did she have a job and was she supporting herself before her course?
I know she's a bit older, but I think you should be supporting her in her course. If she got shit grades because she wasn't getting enough sleep it would have been a lot of time and effort wasted.
So she stays at work till 11pm on Sunday, gets up at 6am Monday for college, stays at work till 11pm, and then gets up Tuesday for 6am?
Including 55 minutes of driving to college.
I think it sounds knackering tbh. Yes she's 20 and can physically do it better than older people, but it seems a lot to put on her when you can afford to support her.
Also she'll now have this job on her CV which will help her find another one and if they ask her why she left she can tell them the hours were incompatible with her education hours.
I'd support DS while he was at college and actively seeking a new job.
I have worked 10 hour shifts with an hour drive either way and only a 30 minute break, and it still sounds like I was getting more sleep than your DD.

I think if she is really unhappy you should compromise and let her find a new job before quitting the old one

That doesn't sound like a compromise at all. It might be the adult thing to do if her mom is refusing to support her. But it's not really a compromise.
There's no real compromise.
OP support her daughter while she looks for a job. Or she doesn't.
Telling your 20yo daughter she can find herself another job isn't a compromise. What's the alternative, telling your 20yo daughter she's not allowed to find a new job?

She is 20 and can easily handle this one day a week. She needs to line up another job before she quits. Is it healthcare she is going into? It will prepare her for tough hours in the future. At 22 I was doing 24 hour shifts in hospitals - illegal now but I survived.

I also did long shifts but it was miserable and retrospectively my work and social life suffered as a result.

What’s interesting here is that the OP seems to think the DD has to ask permission. Presumably she won’t be throwing her out if she does leave.

At 19 I worked full time in a bank. Was up at 6am, out the door for 6am for the 2 buses and 1.5 hour journey that would get me there, worked 9am to 5pm, home by 6.30pm to 7pm and working a shift in a busy pub by 8pm until 12/1am 3 days a week.

I also worked all way through year 11 in a fast food restaurant. Shifts were 5pm until close, which could be midnight.

And through college worked 3 days a week in a local pizza place. 5pm until 1am usually.

You need to explain the consequences of her leaving without finding other work. The consequences for me would have been no toiletries beyond the very basics that didn't include deodorant. No new clothes beyond what I got for Christmas/birthdays which might have been a pair of jeans and a top, no bus fares, no spare money whatsoever.

Then leave it up to her.

She needs something that fits around her studies better but not to stop working somewhere. They need to know they have to self support at least to a certain degree at that age.

I would be less pushy about it as she is studying though than I am with mine who have stopped and still messing about with job changes 🙄.

She's 20 she will live, when I was 21 I'd finished my college course and couldn't get a job so I took an internship, Monday - Friday 9-5 and continued my part time role working 12 hours s (evenings and weekends) this resulted in me working 7 days a week some weeks (my managers at the retail store were nice and any weeks I didn't want to work evening shifts after the internship they let me work the whole weekend - other times I left the internship at 5 and started work at 6 (thank you late night shopping)

At 20 I was doing a full time university course including nursing placements and working pretty much full time. Still had plenty of energy and time to have a social life.
We had trainee teachers who'd do their placement in school and then do some evening shifts.
Many students have to work around university study.
That's just the real world (and she still has more time off college/work than student nurses, studebt teachers etc)

If she wants to leave her job, she should have another one before she leaves.

Just tell her to find a new job before she leaves that one, gives her the incentive to do it quickly!

Cant BELIEVE a supermarket doesn't have different shifts though ... is she pulling your leg?

OP I'm a nurse that is out of the house from 06:00 - 21:00 and I think you are completely and utterly unreasonable asking anyone to do that working pattern!

She works 5-11 on Sunday, you need to add travelling time on to that, she then leaves at 6 am for a day that is probably going to be 18 hours long, then leaves at 6am the following day. She's probably had maximum 5 hours sleep on both nights!

I can't believe that anyone would think this ok, even if the adult in question is 20 years old... I'm used to working long days and I would be at serious risk of crashing my car on the way home from the second day!