To resent my parents for childhood smacking/discipline?

[ChildhoodSmacking]

I was watching the 'This Morning' debate about the subject earlier and I have also been reflecting on it myself recently.

Do you think smacking can cause resentment or do you think it depends on how it is administered?

I have a very poor relationship with my father, even as an adult, I cannot remember a time where we got along particularly well. The smacking that I experienced was always from lack of control. My parents constantly go on about how I was a very difficult child and wouldn't listen, they suspect I had ODD . I was never hit by my mother, but my dad would on occasion 'lose it' resulting not only in a smack, but also other things like threatening behaviour, throwing things, pushing etc.

I was born in the 90's so it cannot be blamed on a generational thing. Whenever I bring it up with my parents they argue that it 'never did them any harm' and I was a 'very difficult child and teenager.'

I cannot imagine ever smacking my own DC.

I am wondering about other peoples opinion on the subject? Particularly those that were smacked as a child.

And then what once we have removed the smacked children from their parents will you become a foster carer to take these additional children in we have no room for the children who are actually being abused

You said this. It is ridiculous.

Bolloxio

Be careful there are those that would see your children removed and you injail

pallisers

No that would be you if you want a light tap that leaves no mark made illegal

Thenthe follow on will be children removed and parents in court

If this is not what you would want to see happen then why would you want it made illegal

And when these children are removed and parents in jail

We’re will they go
And will you be signing up to foster

You can’t answer because your position is

Be careful there are those that would see your children removed and you injail

My children would be removed and I would be in jail for not smacking my kids?

Or for not thinking I was damaged by the odd smack (and no, not tap on the hand, smack..generally leaving hand prints).

If I am calling for somthing to be made illegal then the logic is the it’s an arrestable offence and one could be charged and jailed

I can tell you know even with children who are looked after this dosent happen abuse is already illegal all that happens is the children are removed

I smacked DD once. Not hard. It was like a reflex because she broke free from my handhold as we were waiting to cross the road and started to run into the road as a car was coming. I grabbed her and pulled her back on to the pavement and felt myself smack her, can't remember if on arm or leg, and say, 'NO!' very sharply at the same time. Felt bad about it afterwards and explained to her running into the road is dangerous, but you can't reason with a toddler in the moment and it terrified me! Apart from that I've never used smacking to discipline her. Hated being smacked as a kid - I was a good kid on the whole, can't even remember what I was smacked for so it obviously didn't teach me anything. The worst thing though was the loss of temper and shouting that went with it.

Bolloxio

Sorry I thought you said you did smack your children in the past

YesSheCan

But that smack some on here would want your daughter removed and you jailed and have a criminal record

When it’s clear your a loving parent

If I am calling for somthing to be made illegal then the logic is the it’s an arrestable offence and one could be charged and jailed

No that isn't the logic at all. It is entirely possible for "smacking" to be illegal but a minor offence - so parents don't have society's approval for hitting their children but also won't be locked up forever and have their children put in orphanages in the weird penal system you would devise.

But that smack some on here would want your daughter removed and you jailed and have a criminal record

no one would want this - except possibly you since you are the only person who has said it on this thread.

pallisers

Oh so your just calling for people to have this on their dbs so they are barred from pretty much every job going

And you would still need to be arrested and then taken to court

Not sure in what world you live in were if you commit a crime you don’t get arrested or go to court

And have it on your dbs for the rest of your natural born

No snacking, but my Dad once grabbed my ear and twisted it until I squealed. It made a big impact then and I still remember it vividly.

... however, I’d just run out in front of a car and made it skid into a tree. In retrospect I think probably bawling me out probably would have been as effective, but then again, maybe not!

So I was right it’s middle classes wanting to show how woke they are
You want to make somthing illegal but don’t really want anyone to get in any real trouble

That’s not how the law work

I was very resentful about my parents -mum especially - heavy handed discipline before I had my own kids . My mum would lose her temper and could be quite violent on occasion (was referred to social services after one incident) though she did have an awful lot on her plate and was quite young - not excusing it but I do think things were tough for her- also since having children I do appreciate more how hard it can be at times and I have lost my temper at times and smacked on occasion I'm ashamed to say - it can be hard to not copy your own experiences of parenting though I am very aware of not making the same mistakes
As others have said my mum has a bit of a selective memory as will often moan about awful parents she sees shouting at their kids in public etc etc I think it has meant we are not that emotionally close even though we see each other a lot and tbf she is a fantastic grandparent

@ChildhoodSmacking I think lack of control is far more forgiving than pre-meditated smacking , obviously your parents couldn't manage you , it was not their fault and they probably felt guilty afterwards . Its much worse to be pro-smacking and use it as a form of discipline willingly in my opinion

the op is still quite young, maybe with time the resentment will pass and she will understand the frustrations her parents experienced.
smacking is a loss of control and there are better ways to discipline, it was common in the past and is less so now. mn is very anti smacking which is sad because it doesn't allow for the topic to be a learning opportunity.

Grasslands

the op is still quite young, maybe with time the resentment will pass and she will understand the frustrations her parents experienced.
smacking is a loss of control and there are better ways to discipline, it was common in the past and is less so now

again with in white middle class culture smacking is very common with black Asian and working class culture

This post is making me feel incredibly guilty . I'm sure my children are damaged from my temper after reading these posts. However , if children are constantly misbehaving and you have tried many strategies , unless you have no emotion it's inevitable you will snap .

Thirtyrock39

Do you think
You should be arrested and have a marked dbs

Like others suggest and the would lead to ss involvement

To the poster who doesn’t understand how you can have contact now, whilst resenting parents for smacking

It’s because back then I was a child and scared, under control via fear

Now they know if they hit me... I’ll smack them back, so I don’t have any fear during contact and if they were to act in that abusive way again they know they would lose me permenantly

Some people can’t hold grudges forever, especially those of us who have suffered close losses

I was beaten as a child and swore I would never smack my children,( they too were born in the 90’s) but I did smack them and a lot, I would smack them hard out of sheer frustration with my life and lack of money. However I have since spoken to them about this and told them of my regret but both of them said I shouldn’t worry about it, I think my daughter has been particularly forgiving as it was her that got the brunt end of my anger as my son was very compliant (probably out of fear) I don’t know why I am telling you this, but maybe to say that some people deal with childhood traumas differently, I think my children were just very resilient and they had their dad who never ever smacked them so I think they sort of understood my issues. I always say it is my biggest regret in life, but they tell me to get over it. I hope you manage to learn to deal with your anxiety with regard to your upbringing and if you don’t want to be close to your dad then that is your right.❤️ I am sorry to every child who suffered like my children did.

You clearly do or your just perverse making somthing illegal just to show eveyone how disapproving of there parenting you are but not really wanting anyone to get into any trouble confused

Well yes it would be enough for me that society says "hey this is wrong". I think that might save a few children. Obviously you don't believe there should be any law that doesn't come with 10-15 in prison for its breach. You'd do well in many states in the USA.

More seriously, you clearly don't understand how the world actually works, how there are gradations of offences, nuances in how society enforces laws, laws that are more serious to breach and laws that are less serious to breach. It is pointless talking to you tbh when you have this soap opera/dickensian view of children and parents. Why don't you google countries that have outlawed "smacking" children and take a look at the chaos that ensued - parents in chokey, children in orphanages, the entire children care system overwhelmed - NOT.

My DH and his older brother were belted regularly by their father when they were teenagers, whilst their mother just stood by and let him. They were not bad lads - just got up to normal teenage pranks. My wonderful parents never laid a hand on either me or my siblings and I find it hard to get my head around how my DH can still love his dad and looks after him now he is elderly and a widower. We have never smacked our son (who had a few behavioural problems when younger) and I have never ever let him be on his own with my husband's parents. I have seen my DH's dad look at my son sometimes with a very angry look in his eyes and I believe he would have smacked him if me or DH had not been there - I made a big point of telling my DH's parents that if anyone ever tried to lay a hand on my son I would physically stop them myself and report them to the Police, as it was child abuse and could damage a child forever (my husband's older brother took the worst of the beltings and has spent most of his life in a mental hospital) - neither of them said anything but they both looked embarrassed. His dad now pretends to be this innocent old gentleman but I really dislike and resent him for what he did to my DH and his brother - when I ask my DH how he can forgive him he just says that things were different in those days (1970's) and that his dad did not know any better.