To resent my parents for childhood smacking/discipline?

[ChildhoodSmacking]

I was watching the 'This Morning' debate about the subject earlier and I have also been reflecting on it myself recently.

Do you think smacking can cause resentment or do you think it depends on how it is administered?

I have a very poor relationship with my father, even as an adult, I cannot remember a time where we got along particularly well. The smacking that I experienced was always from lack of control. My parents constantly go on about how I was a very difficult child and wouldn't listen, they suspect I had ODD . I was never hit by my mother, but my dad would on occasion 'lose it' resulting not only in a smack, but also other things like threatening behaviour, throwing things, pushing etc.

I was born in the 90's so it cannot be blamed on a generational thing. Whenever I bring it up with my parents they argue that it 'never did them any harm' and I was a 'very difficult child and teenager.'

I cannot imagine ever smacking my own DC.

I am wondering about other peoples opinion on the subject? Particularly those that were smacked as a child.

@1981fishgut i fully believe you and believe a more civil conversation around physical discipline would go a long way to help everyone.

1981fishgut

No not odd at all. I didn’t and don’t see it as abuse.

As I said it has not affected my relationship at all my parents are also very good grandparents.

Parental violence ruined my relationship with my parents, we are no contact. It was pointless I can’t even bear my dad to touch me.
Most parents who abuse kids justify it by claiming discipline. This makes kids believe that society thinks their abuse is ok. I was terrified of the rage of my parents, can remember hiding bruises by putting my PE shirt on under my clothes or wagging it so no one would see me change.Yet I still felt that if my bruises were seen it would cause problems (and possibly further punishment) but still not be protected.
I would and could not ever raise a hand to my child and find it abhorrent. If we saw another adult hitting an adult, it would shock us, even a slap, so why is it ok to hit kids?

It’s not ‘inevitable’ you will snap!
Loads of parents manage not to do this. Like I don’t hit a colleague, partner or anyone else!

Like I said I don’t belive people really feel it was that bad
fishgut I would never say that the physical abuse I received as a child was as damaging as other types of abuse. I would also never go NC with my parents because of it, they were loving parents on the whole. Yet the violence has had a big impact on me and my life. This is what many posts on this thread are about. You seem to think it is reprehensible to discuss corporal punishment if it is done by people who are still in contact with their parents. I think you are seriously lacking in critical thinking and reflective skills.

pallisers

No you clearly don’t

It’s difficult for you to compute abuse is already illegal

What is currently legal is a light smack on the hand with out a mark

So again if you want to make that illegal it would mean having people arrested and up in court

But at the same time you claiming you don’t want this to actually happen

Because if people won’t desist from a light smack then you would have to jail and remove their children no

That is the nature path of making the light smack illegal

You can’t answer we’re will the extra social workers come from

The extra child protection police
If children are removed
Extra foster care spaces

And will you put your hand up to take these children on whom you feel are being abused

You clearly don’t understand how the law works

Unless this was a civil law I am afraid it would be arresteble offence

BestBeforeYesterday

If your still in contact with your “abuser” but calling for others to be jailed is a very odd position indeed

You want smack made illegal
Abuse already is

But the people
Who you say smacked you were loving and are fine to be around you and your children can you not see how that would be a bit odd

My dh and I were both smacked as kids, as were most of our friends. DH remembers his dad coming home and laying into him for bad behaviour reported to him by his mum and his mum would send them upstairs for the beating. He’s only just told me this and it explains a lot. His mum denies it of course now.
I got smacked when I pushed and pushed my mum. Smack round the legs or the head during heated arguments and she is quite reflective about it now that it wasn’t ideal and I hope, respects my parenting.
I’ve nearly lost it a few times but would not choose to hit my children. They’re smaller than me and it’s just not ok to use fear of Pain to control

Continually bringing this up with your parents is pointless, they aren’t interested in hearing you but that’s a difficult cycle to break. If you want to get ‘closure’, you’re going to have to find it without their input, counselling perhaps.

Your mother was complicit in your father’s treatment of you and where she prioritised a relationship with him over you, you have chosen to prioritise a relationship with her, knowing that contact with him is the price you’ll pay.

You don’t have to tell your partner about your childhood but you do need to understand your reasons for not telling him and I think it goes a lot deeper than him probably not liking them. I think there’s an unhealthy dynamic with your parents that you’re not ready to let go of and I think your partner’s possible perceived feelings about them upsetting that dynamic, is probably the main driver behind you not telling him.

I get the impression that there’s a level of shame you feel about what happened to you as a child and letting go of that, might be the key to freeing you from your past.

we can never have a debate about 'responsible measured smacking' without it getting deraikel by people who were slapped across the face, pushed downstairs, punched etc, which is quite clearly not the same thing.

If your still in contact with your “abuser” but calling for others to be jailed is a very odd position indeed. You want smack made illegal. Abuse already is
You are confusing me with other posters.

Your opinion on this subject is so distorted by your own experience that it is impossible to discuss this with you. Not all situations are the same as yours, what's so hard to understand?

I’m firmly of the never did me any harm school. I wouldn’t smack my children as the environment they are being raised in is very different to when I was born in in the 80s but I certainly don’t feel traumatised by being smacked by either of my parents when I was naughty.

My parents smacked me, hard enough to bruise. They were following what everyone else did and what they knew. I'd hold a hell of a lot of resentment if they now didn't admit they were wrong and they regret every minute of abusing a child, which I did during my teens as my mum would ALWAYS say I was being dramatic and it's not comparable to abuse, etc. etc.

She now gets very emotional if I even mention it and I know she'll never forgive herself and ALWAYS apologised to me for it.

I obviously now don't hold any resentment.

I think it's a horrific thing to do to a child though and any normal person would agree.

we can never have a debate about 'responsible measured smacking' without it getting deraikel by people who were slapped across the face, pushed downstairs, punched etc

I know, aren't we just so annoying? If only we childhood abuse victims would just shut up and stop clouding the debate!

Thing is, our shitbrained parents (and others) think that that WAS responsible and measured, or if it wasn't, it was close enough to it not to matter.

A quick spank on a diapered bottom before they touch the Royal Dresden, A smack across the arm when kids are doing something foolish is a very different kettle of fish to getting belted and bruised.

Tough one. I was only ever ‘smacked’ once. And really it wasn’t a proper smack, merely a tap along the back of my legs. However, it meant that whenever the threat of “ill smack you on the back of your legs!!” was used – I knew I was crossing a line. Never happened again and it didn’t actually hurt, I think it was more the shock of ‘oh ok I really upset my mum and I don’t want to do that again’

I guess it varies on delivery of the threat by the parent, and how the child takes that threat. I couldn’t imagine actually hurting my child, but hell yeah I would threaten if it makes them realise they’ve taken it too far.

@Grasslands would you do that to a disabled adult?

A quick spank on a diapered bottom before they touch the Royal Dresden, A smack across the arm when kids are doing something foolish is a very different kettle of fish to getting belted and bruised

When my children were young and I smacked them quite a lot, I used to kid myself this statement above was true,but it isn’t, it is far from the truth. I started giving a smack on the bum and a tap on the hand, but then physical discipline became the norm and I was soon taking my frustrations out on my children when they didn’t do as I told them. I cannot and will not ever get over my regret of hitting my children. There is NEVER a right time or reason to hit another living thing, adult/child/animal. Let’s all try and learn to keep our fucking hands to ourselves when we are cross or feel out of control.

I guess it varies on delivery of the threat by the parent, and how the child takes that threat. I couldn’t imagine actually hurting my child, but hell yeah I would threaten if it makes them realise they’ve taken it too far.

What is the point in threatening an act you are unwilling to carry out.

I’m only responsible for raising my children, no one was disabled. I’m now a trusted grandparent. I’ve learned better coping and disciplinary techniques.

I got the odd snack on the bum and have an excellent relationship with my parents then and now. It was rare and always caused by me really pushing the boundaries way too far. They were loving and supportive and kind every other moment of the year so I think in that context, it did me no harm whatsoever and simply pulled me up short when my mum couldn’t cope any longer with whatever I was doing. I can still hear the sound of the cutlery drawer being wrenched open in the kitchen as my sister and I pulled strips off each other, we’d instantly become best friends and scarper but that was only an effective threat and I don’t ever remember a snack following the drawer noise.

I don’t know. I think there are an awful lot of people who were not brought up in a loving and supportive environment so a smack in that sort of a home might have a very different meaning to a child. A beating or a whack is a very different thing. Something I’ve never come close to experiencing.

I started giving a smack on the bum and a tap on the hand, but then physical discipline became the norm and I was soon taking my frustrations out on my children when they didn’t do as I told them

well that's you! Just because you couldn't control yourself and crossed the line into abuse, it doesn't mean most peope do

flipntwist. Oh I know it was me and others won’t do that, you are absolutely right, I am not trying to say everyone will escalate to abuse, and I probably worded it wrong. I just don’t think that if we were face to face and I was doing something you really didn’t want me to do, you would hit me to stop me doing it. That is all.

And what’s missing on these threads is support for those who might come close to crossing the line. Because then we might be able to discuss the frustrations of being a parent, social expectations, financial strain, marital discord etc. A more balanced discussion might help those who have questions about their childhood.