Domestic Violence - did you witness any towards your mother?

[CityFarmer]

Just that really, did you witness your mum (or dad) getting hurt as a child? What's your opinion of both your parents now?
It's got to the stage I can't protect my kids from seeing it. I suspect my eldest has seen more than I've thought I've protected him from, certainly heard arguments.

Despite the split lips, stitches, bruises, fear. His numerous online relationships.
I think this will be what breaks me.
I'm not in love with him, a few months ago I explained I wanted to stop all this, I'd not cry if he left or we divorced, there's no love left for him. Yet here I am, stuck.

Before anyone suggests to LTB. I, and many domestic violence sufferers now this already, but still stuck.

I'm stuck because I'm too embarassed to say the words out loud that I need help.
I think soon I'll have to tell the police, or his family or mine. As soon as I do, there's no going back, it will all end. But the words stick in my throat. I can't get them out. I can't protect myself, but I want to save my kids from this.

My priority is to shield the kids. I have no one IRL to ask this Q. did you witness your mum (or dad) getting hurt as a child? What's your opinion of both your parents now?

OP, I posted earlier on this thread, and have been following it. I want to thank you for posting it. All the similarities between the stories are strangely reassuring.

I've also realised that, in spite of my traumatic childhood (and not all of this was the result of DV, either), I've never sought professional help. I have no plans to, either, so I cartainly can't blame you for staying. You're not the perpetrator of abuse, and your enabling is a conditioned response that you'll have to work hard to overcome.

When I was a child, dsis and I were frequently put into unofficial care arrangements with no warning or explanation. The explanation was never forthcoming. Among my siblings, we never discuss our childhoods or the violence. I've touched on it occasionally with DH but he's so shocked by it that he doesn't know what to say, so I mostly keep it to myself. To outsiders, my birth family is functional, successful and happy. A common theme from this thread that I hope you'll take away is that it will be important to your children that you acknowledge the violence and be honest, that they can talk about it and not feel shame because they've done nothing wrong. You can fix this.

I wish you love and luck and peace in yoir future, OP.

@CityFarmer I'm proud of you, each action is a step closer to safety for you and your children.
You will never regret it.

city farmer - you are amazing. Just practicing the words and learning to say them out loud. I welled up with tears of pride!!

Yes! You can do this, you can! I'm so proud of you - keep going.

It's never too late, never. My mum left when I was 3 and that same time my entire world changed. She freed me, she's my hero.

It can be ok, I promise.

Yes I saw and heard from a stepfather.

When my mum left and we went to a refuge it was the happiest time of my life. There were no men, no fear and the other women and children felt like family. We are still in touch with some of them now.

The effect of witnessing the violence is that I can’t seem to maintain a healthy relationship. I always gravitate towards men who are unavailable in some way. Meaning there’s a reason I can’t get close. I’m actually pretty lonely if I’m honest.

Get your children out now and get them therapy while they’re young.

Hi City Farmer. This is your first of many steps, please don't stop, you are brave and love your children that is enough.
My alcoholic DM beat my DF. The uncontrollable fear, the atmosphere the shame. As another poster said the images never leave you. She poured pots of boiling water on his face, beat him up in front of shocked neighbours, punched, pinned him to ground like a wild animal.Savage, drunken attacks. Nobody expects a woman to beat a man up, our entire community saw it but did not know how to respond. She eventually left, started a relationship with another alcoholic who murdered her. My siblings all endured a terrible childhood. However I am sharing this to tell you about positive outcomes.While we sufferred violence, poverty, shame, fear instability we also had amazing role models and love within our immedate and extended family. My 3 siblings have stable relationships, jobs, families yes some issues but we suvivied somhow. You can and will leave and are leaving. You will be Ok, your DC will be OK. It is never too late. You and your DC will heal

I saw my dad do far worse to my mum than beat her. I will never get past it.

ultimately she was a victim and I understand that
Thank you.

From the majority of responses, I've learnt something new and vital though, I cant guarantee thats how my kids will see the situation. Theyll maybe see me as complict in the saddest parts of there childhood. I think/hope that overall I've provided happiness for them. Ie. When i look back at my childhood its really happy the overall tone is good, the sour bits (occasional incidences of bullying/racism) dont ruin my whole outlook.
In my naivety i hoped overall my kids were still happy despite the DV that happens as there long long periods of stabilty inbetween

I'm less sad today. Woken up a bit stronger. But feel sick to my stomach by the situtation. But I'll use that to move forwards

Keep going CityFarmer, using that to push you forwards is a really positive idea.

I've tried to avoid posting any rationale or excuses or 'buts' - theyre not acceptable.

A common theme from this thread that I hope you'll take away is that it will be important to your children that you acknowledge the violence and be honest, that they can talk about it

I want to tell my eldest it's no okay what happened the other day. To get it out. At the same time I'm furious 'my husband' (irl i dont address him as h or myself as wife, because our relationship isnt what those words represent) has put me in a position that this type of conversation with my child is needed. [going to end this post before it spirals into excusing behaviours]

But iv two clear tasks ahead - talk to person on WA helpline (not just the voicemail), talk to my eldest. This thread is helping thank you

I’m sorry to say, it might make it worse for them, or at least a lot more confusing, which is a very isolating place for a child because they don’t have adult capacities to deal with things. So it will cause long term damage, that’s almost a guarantee.

Do speak to your children, let them get out whatever they need to get out, I think that’s a great idea.

I don’t blame you one bit for being furious with him, stay angry, use that to fuel your escape.

You clearly have your children’s best interests and welfare at heart, that much is clear. You’ve come so far already, keep going!

You are not really protecting your children, and the fact that you can’t say it out loud by telling others, means you have some weird pride thing going on.

Children see and know things. Even if they doesn’t “see” him hit you, the energy left behind, of that violence, is very very present, especially to a young child. And when they see you bloodied, scratched, broken they know that it’s him who has done this you. So how are you actually protecting your children?

Some of my earliest memories are of my dad hitting my mum. But she in turn came from a family where her dad beat my grandmother and first child very very badly, but he never hit my mum, and yet everybody else got it. He was a womanising alcoholic. To this day she stands up for him, won’t let anyone say one single word against him, thinks he is a saint, yet she saw him beat the shit out of her mother and sibling. Awful. For that, and many other things, I have lost respect for her. Just don’t like the woman.

You don’t have to stay silent. You can find the strength to end this abuse and save your self and the children.

Good luck talking to your eldest CityFarmer. It will be so important for them to know this is not acceptable and you will not accept it. It may feel like it would be easier for both of you just to 'leave it' so I think you're very brave to address it xx

Please find the strength to leave him, or get him out. The police will have seen it a thousand times before and friends and family will be sad for you.
My dad beat my mum up and was incredibly controlling and jealous. She left when I was about one to live with family 100s of miles away, but unfortunately went back, after his persistent begging letters. She used to say she went back because I cried for him.

Anyway, he carried on being abusive. I hated him and used to beg her to leave. As did her family. She stayed with him because she was scared of him.
My siblings and I were deeply affected. I have always lacked confidence and not done as well as I could. Wisely chose good guys until I was 30, but found the calmness 'boring' as it was so alien to me, had my DS with an abusive man, kicked him out, and am now with a nice but emotionally unavailable man. I'm ok but not great. One sibling has never met anyone to settle down with or have kids, although he would like to. Also lacks confidence. Other sibling is dead; he wouldn't be if my mum had stayed split up from dad. It really does impact on all aspects of your life, but if you can get out now, you'll have a hard year or two, but you'll be safe and free. And do will your children.
Sorry for the essay but reading this I also noticed that almost the only people who say they are close to their mum, are the ones whose mums left. I see my mum but the bond isn't there.
Good luck you can do it.

I did, my dad was also violent with me which was what eventually made her leave him... not immediately though. Leaving was not easy, nor were the years afterwards.

My father died many years ago, I hated him for a long time, now I mainly miss him. He was more than just an abuser.

I never hated my Mum, I was angry at her for a while but now I am amazed at how she kept everything together despite what she was going through. She was wrong but she tried her best and it took great strength to live how she did then leave how she did.

My siblings and I are all incredibly close and we are all in healthy relationships. I have a great relationship with my Mum. The close relationship I have with my siblings is probably the biggest effect of growing up in this environment for us, that and the fact that we all have an aversion to alcohol.

I think the best thing my Mum did when we left was to be open about it. She never discouraged us from talking about it or got visibly upset if we did.

You're doing really well cityfarmer Good luck with next steps - will be thinking of you

I called WA with the intention of saying this to an actual person, rather than the voicemail. Unfortunately the lines were busy, which in itself is sad there's others suffering to the point there's not enough available lines, on the other hand it's full of hope that so many are taking steps to get help/advice/call - knowing how mentally tough it's been for me to take that step - I'm really proud of whoever else was on that line.

No never. But a friend of mine was Ina very abusive marriage so I have witnessed it.

Fuck me CityFarmer, you have come a long way in one day. I can hear the strength in your posts. Just keep trying to get through to WA...you are a long way down the road now.

Re: long periods of stability, OP- I just want you to be clear on this

In our house there were lots of “happy” times too. And my stepfather was amazing at arts and crafts, midnight feasts, surprise days out....

It’s made it much worse actually- because I see now that I was living in those “happy times” like a coiled, 8 year old spring, waiting for it to suddenly switch and be another day/night/week of psychological mind games and physical violence.

It’s also made it very hard for me to accept that he himself was a damaged person, who couldn’t help himself- because he clearly COULD- he just didn’t want to all the time.

Finally- those periods of stability are what kept my mother there, in part- and I think for what they were, compared to what we sacrificed for them- she sold us fucking cheap.

Sheep I also heard from a seminar on attachment that inconsistency fucks with your head more than it being consistently awful. That made a lot of sense to me in relation to how damaged I was.

Yes to inconsistency. Because you are hated and loved so cannot properly develop any attachment. Its very damaging.

My father beat and raped my mother. I do not feel able to have a relationship with either of them now (they are still together). I'm in my 40s and still suffer from flashbacks and grieve for the losses and traumas I suffered as a child. I have had four major breakdowns and two suicide attempts.

I hope you manage to make the call, OP. Good luck.

Hope you are ok cityfarmer