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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Domestic Violence - did you witness any towards your mother?

308 replies

CityFarmer · 12/09/2018 16:18

Just that really, did you witness your mum (or dad) getting hurt as a child? What's your opinion of both your parents now?
It's got to the stage I can't protect my kids from seeing it. I suspect my eldest has seen more than I've thought I've protected him from, certainly heard arguments.

Despite the split lips, stitches, bruises, fear. His numerous online relationships.
I think this will be what breaks me.
I'm not in love with him, a few months ago I explained I wanted to stop all this, I'd not cry if he left or we divorced, there's no love left for him. Yet here I am, stuck.

Before anyone suggests to LTB. I, and many domestic violence sufferers now this already, but still stuck.

I'm stuck because I'm too embarassed to say the words out loud that I need help.
I think soon I'll have to tell the police, or his family or mine. As soon as I do, there's no going back, it will all end. But the words stick in my throat. I can't get them out. I can't protect myself, but I want to save my kids from this.

My priority is to shield the kids. I have no one IRL to ask this Q. did you witness your mum (or dad) getting hurt as a child? What's your opinion of both your parents now?

OP posts:
itdoesntmatterwhereimfrom · 17/09/2018 11:12

Please please please get out.

For you, for the kids. You all deserve so much better.

It does and will affect the children. FOREVER.

There are always places to go.

Be brave. Thanks

hellokittymania · 17/09/2018 11:37

Yes, I often heard it and was the target too when i got older. I have sn so police got involved and i have never seen him since and would never see him on my own if i did meet him.

tazzy73 · 17/09/2018 11:44

For you Flowers CityFarmer

I was the youngest of 6 and my childhood was tainted with watching my mother getting be beaten up by my father.
I spend the majority of my childhood hiding under my duvet, with my fingers in my ears.
It does not get better, my mother found it so hard to leave also but she did in the end, I was 17 at that point.

You may think you are shielding your children but your not, they will have issues. There will come a point when he does turn on them.
When my brother was old enough to finally answer him back he ended up with a busted nose, still remember my dad holding my brother up against a wall. Our neighbour used to come in and stop him if she heard what was going on. Near the end mam got a barring order which he kept breaking. I came home one day to my dad sitting there with a small axe and telling us how he was going to kill my sister as she always answered him back.
He's dead now and I still hate him, I grew up in a house of fear and I know this is hard to hear but all your children will experience this, your younger ones do pick up on the environment around them.

Stay safe, please try tell someone IRL as it becomes real then.
Xx

Taz.

Neweternal · 17/09/2018 11:57

No but my brother was extremely violent to me and both my parents. My father was an depressive alcoholic after he lost his job and my brother used to beat him black and blue literally covered, stamp on his head until he was knocked out. He gave my mother two black eyes and is frankly a horrible person. I was regularly beat up and even held down by him why his friend molested me, aged 12. We're we're a middle class family so didn't want to involve the police. I eventually did and my mother was furious, however he stopped the violence towards my mother then but was still extremely cruel, both parents died very young, they were weak. My brother is weaker, he's very well educated although has never worked for anyone. Never tolerate violence like this. My parents created a monster with lack of boundaries and no interest in their children's development.

sadiekate · 18/09/2018 15:06

I agree with the others who have said this post is one of the saddest things I have ever read. Some stories were very hard to read. Each and every one of you is amazing for having overcome the things you have.
I didn't witness domestic abuse, but I had a difficult childhood in ways that actually, although it's nothing like as bad as anything on here, I'm scared to even say anonymously. Reading this thread has made me realise that my mental health problems may have more of a root in nurture than I had thought.
To the OP: you are amazing. As I read the thread and saw each new and enormous step you had taken, I marvelled. If you can do the things you have done in the last few days, then you really can do anything.

CityFarmer · 12/10/2018 10:42

As a short update - I'm in the process of making our separation official - filing for legal separation. With divorce to follow.

The RELIEF and UPLIFTING I felt today is quite amazing.

Over the past month I've kept these comments in mind.
Thank you for the input.

I think myself and most importantly the kids will be ok xx

OP posts:
BlancheM · 12/10/2018 12:28

That's amazing to read, city. So happy for you and the kids! Well done.

Iizzyb · 12/10/2018 20:44

OP go you! Amazing news! So brave of you. You & your kids deserve a proper happy home xx

ScurrilousSquirrel · 12/10/2018 21:02

Well done CityFarmer. You have shown amazing strength.

PlinkPlink · 12/10/2018 21:03

I was proud OP. I was proud of my mother, proud that she left, proud that she had the courage to leave.

Father was physically violent towards DM and DSis. He was having an affair. He had a terrible temper. I remember hiding under the dining table, terrified.

As a child, you do hear it, you do see it... even when you're told to go out of the room. You know.

I don't have much of a relationship with my father. If he does, I'm not sure I'd be particularly sad. He's playing happy families with his OW who he eventually married.

My mum went through shit after she left. Low income, redundancies, debt... But she did it all for us. And she always had food on the table. I am so fucking proud she had the balls to leave. I admire her deeply.

I truly hope you have the courage soon to leave OP. Stay safe and protect those babies.

sourpatchkid · 12/10/2018 21:21

Yes @CityFarmer I'm so proud of you!! Yes yes yes!! Smile

I've thought of you all often since this thread. I'm so glad you're all free Thanks

Conflicted1 · 12/10/2018 21:41

I feel for you OP Flowers

Leaving an abusive partner is one of the hardest things you'll ever go through, but without a doubt equally as necessary.

You can't shield your children from this whilst you are living under the same roof as your abuser.

Please reach out for real life support and do right by your children and you.

I know it's frightening, but the children have to be your priority. The short term struggle of readjusting to life without him will be outweighed by the peace and calm you will find shortly after.

You say you have preschool children, without wanting to scare monger (please believe me I'm not aiming to) children's services can and do remove children from their mother's care if mothers fail to acknowledge, or minimise the risk, that domestic violence has on the children.

For their sake it is imperative you find the strength to leave him, no matter how impossible it seems you can do it.

Don't let this waste of space man be all you are left with, leave and create a wonderful life for you and your babies.

You can do this x

Conflicted1 · 12/10/2018 21:42

Wow sorry I've just read the last few comments! I had only read the opening post before I replied.

Fantastic news OP you should be so proud of yourself, and your children will be too!

PlinkPlink · 12/10/2018 21:43

God I must RTFT. Well done OP!! You are incredible. It takes such a huge amount of courage and strength to do what you have done. You should be immensely proud of yourself. And feeling pretty free I hope xx

DioneTheDiabolist · 12/10/2018 21:46

Well done on taking this brave decision OP. I wish you and your children strength, peace and love.Flowers

Comtesse · 12/10/2018 22:35

My god what awful stories, so much pain. Flowers to you all. Keep going OP you are doing great.

Clarissa111 · 12/10/2018 23:32

I'm glad you've took that step OP.
But I wanted to put my experience across.
I grew up with DV. I have 3 younger brothers, and an older sister.
Police coming round. Ambulance taking my mum away. My dad was an alcoholic.
They were married for 40 years, until he passed, from a freak accident.
It did calm down as they got older.
There was times i hated my mum. And times I hated my dad but it was just my life.
We got on with it as kids. I honestly don't think it's affected me as an adult. Or my siblings.
It was just how it was.
I miss my dad terribly.
Sorry if others disagree, and I'm not putting down other's experience. But this is my truth.

AgentRoss · 13/10/2018 00:24

OP you are amazing!

Charley50 · 13/10/2018 11:17

Well done @CityFarmer that's great news!

itgms897 · 04/11/2018 13:59

one of the main things I remember was when dad wasn't there mum still wasn't there. everything I did had to be perfect or she'd get angry at me now that Im adult I sort of think it was down to fear the way she treated me... doesn't make it right but at least I can come to terms with it
my mum was also very sad probably depressed which didn't help our relationship

SolveigSleeps · 04/11/2018 14:25

The father of my little siblings beat my mother. I didn't live with her full time as I had been removed as a baby due to her mental health problems (had me unrestrained in the back seat of a car at 5 months old, while driving recklessly down the motorway etc ), but I visited.

The worst memory I have is of my mum holding our baby sister, and him pointing a rifle at her and threatening to shoot her. We were in the living room, me and my brother on the sofa and they were right in front of us. I remember just going so cold and still, and - the only word that can really describe it - petrified. It was such a raw fear. I was the eldest, I believe only in Year 2 or 3. He got pissed off with her and shot a pellet but missed her on purpose. That's when I told my little brother to come with me upstairs. He shouted "where the fuck are they going" etc, probably thought we were going for help, but mum said we were just going upstairs to play, and he dropped it, and we did go and play. I switched the Nintendo 64 on and played Mario with my little brother until everything calmed down downstairs. We found the pellet in a hold on the same sofa we had been sitting on. Mum denies he ever shot a pellet. Look, I know it's not a "real gun" but when you're that young it's terrifying.

I have many memories of being awoken at night with my brother (we slept in double bed together) by my mum and him fighting, loads of screaming and swearing. Sometimes I would sneak down and sit on the stairs where I could see through to the living room (part of it anyway), and I would see furniture being thrown.

One time, I was so sick of me and my brother being scared upstairs, listening through the floorboards, that I told my brother to stay upstairs while I went to ask them to stop. I mustered up the courage and opened the living room door. They were at opposite ends of the room, I jumped between them and shouted at them to please just stop it! He threw a glass on the floor and told me to fuck off. I ran to my mum crying and just layed in her lap hugging her while he raged on. That is the only memory I have of ever being hugged by my mum.

My grandmother told me that they would get calls from the neighbours saying "you better get round to your daughter's house as it's all kicking off again and I can hear those kids crying and crying and shouting for their mum", so many times...

We were all in the car together, all 3 kids in the back. He was pissed about something and was driving us around this field, swerving so fast and hard we were tilting onto two wheels. I thought I would die. I remember asking him to stop and he laughed and said it helped the little one to sleep.

Much of it I can't remember as I was too young, I was damaged way before I developed memories. And much more I won't tell as this is getting so long. When still slept in a cot, my grandmother has told me how I would cry at the sound of loud men's voiced or rowdy drunks going past the window at night. I was very clingy as a toddler and wet myself until quite late. Had a dummy at bedtime way into primary school etc.

Social services tried to place me back with my mum many times but her relationship with him stopped it. It wasn't safe etc.

He was arrested for attempted murder of my mother eventually, but got off on a lesser charge. I was so happy that we were all finally rid of his poison. I had my mum back and now she could put us first. She had to go into a refuge and move address so when he was released he wouldn't be able to find her.

When vising her, when in the car on the way there to her new house, my little brother or sister (can't remember which) let slip something that basically meant they were all still in contact with him (he had now been released). She was seeing him again!! I was only 10 or 11 at this point, and when we got to her new house, me and my mum had such a huge argument that it ended up with her throwing me on the sofa and me trying to kick her and crying my eyes out.

I've never forgiven her. She eventually did finally get rid of him but I cannot forgive either of them. Him, for what he did, and her, for not being a mother, for not loving her kids enough. For not loving me enough. I wish her nothing but pain in her life, and she knows it. If I ever saw her again, I would punch her in the face repeatedly. I hope she suffers and I wish I could witness her being beat all over again so I could fucking laugh at her.

SolveigSleeps · 04/11/2018 14:27

Fucking hell, sorry about that last bit. I got really caught up in all my anger there.

And yes I'm in therapy. Thanks for the BPD, mummy and "daddy".

CodLiverOil556 · 04/11/2018 14:35

I grew up with DV...a memory that I've pushed to the back of my mind is one where my sisters and I clinging to my mother after my arsehole father had head butted her and split her head open. We were covered in her blood and she still didn't leave him.

It took her until he sexually assaulted my big sister to leave then we had to do a midnight flit with fuck all except the clothes on our backs.

My mother is a weak, selfish woman who blames us kids even now and we're all in our 40s for the life she didn't have.

The only reason she's in my life is because my kids adore her.

Please leave...

startrek90 · 04/11/2018 15:12

I did. My sisters don't remember but I do. I am the eldest too and my mum also thought she was shielding us too but she only found out how much I saw and crucially heard many years later. It has always stuck with me and has definitely affected me throughout my life. My mum thought she was trapped but eventually left with just us when my dad broke my three year old sisters arm. It was hard for her but she did it and I am in awe of her now I have children myself. My mother was not perfect and she would be the first person to admit it but she has always put me and my sisters first and took action when she realized the abuse we were experiencing. She has always done the best she could.... it was not perfect but she did they best she could with what she had.

As for my "father" I have not seen him in a long time and I frankly don't care about him.

Whatthefunk · 04/11/2018 15:23

We did... Every time he had a drink inside him. Bruises, cut lips, even a broken arm.
My mum stayed for years, and we saw it all.
I think it's made us, especially my Sister, very harsh and untrusting.
Tell someone irl, and it all becomes easier.
It's the silence that gives them power. Flowers