Domestic Violence - did you witness any towards your mother?

[CityFarmer]

Just that really, did you witness your mum (or dad) getting hurt as a child? What's your opinion of both your parents now?
It's got to the stage I can't protect my kids from seeing it. I suspect my eldest has seen more than I've thought I've protected him from, certainly heard arguments.

Despite the split lips, stitches, bruises, fear. His numerous online relationships.
I think this will be what breaks me.
I'm not in love with him, a few months ago I explained I wanted to stop all this, I'd not cry if he left or we divorced, there's no love left for him. Yet here I am, stuck.

Before anyone suggests to LTB. I, and many domestic violence sufferers now this already, but still stuck.

I'm stuck because I'm too embarassed to say the words out loud that I need help.
I think soon I'll have to tell the police, or his family or mine. As soon as I do, there's no going back, it will all end. But the words stick in my throat. I can't get them out. I can't protect myself, but I want to save my kids from this.

My priority is to shield the kids. I have no one IRL to ask this Q. did you witness your mum (or dad) getting hurt as a child? What's your opinion of both your parents now?

Yes I did and it reasonates across my life. My dad was short tempered and when my mum woulsn’t agree with him, he’d hit her. It didn’t happen often - maybe only twice a year - but the fear that he created, I never trusted my dad once I knew what he was capable of. I was about 10 - my mum hid it well. Now - i’m an absolute people pleaser, put myself to the bottom of every list and get upset that other people have full lives when i’m busy pleasing them. I have to work hard to remember my ‘normal’ is not normal after years of emotional abuse (primarily) and some physical abuse. We went hungry, terrified of him and his whims, and made do with very little whilst he had a good life with various other women, all while living in the family home.

Now - my dad still thinks I don’t know, i’m In my late 30’s and my parents are long separated. My sister never knew and she sometimes mentions that she still thinks it was our mums fault for the rows. Not that our dad was looking for an excuse to blow up. Please do your best to get away, my home was a hellish existence that very few people get.

@YeTalkShiteHen
Yea I momentarily felt like the bad person for not reacting happily for my eldest's sake....but it's not my birthday today.
Spent my whole adult life with this person, who doesnt know the correct date of my birthday. (I'm not big into birthdays anyways.) In different circumstances it'd be a brilliantly funny story, a good dinner part tale. But not in this light.

I totally get it City, XH (when he realised he was losing his grip of control over me) morphed into “super dad” and tried to use DS1 to manipulate me. It made me fucking hate him even more tbh.

Sounds like he is doing the same, realising he’s not got control anymore and trying to bully you in other ways.

Fuck him and his awfulness. You and your children deserve better.

How you’re feeling right now? Hang on to it, use it to propel yourself forward, to get you and your kids away from this piece of shite.

You’ve come so far already, I bet a week ago you didn’t even think you could get this far. Yet you have, and you’re still going.

@Shampoo123
this resonates, its not so dissimilar to our situation... didn’t happen often - maybe only twice a year

my mum hid it well naively up until reading these replies i thought I'd hidden it fairly well :(

@YeTalkShiteHen
A week ago it was just average. Sparks dont always fly here.
If anything that's the real head fuck. It was consistently fking awful I'd be less stuck. As it is I stupidly thought I'd been handling this well enough over.

@YeTalkShiteHen
Can i just say I think you're incredible for removing yourself from this kinda of situation and then posting multiple replies, helping others. That's amazing. And appreciated. Thank you

CityFarmer it’s a cycle, one which is a vicious circle and you become trapped in.

Stupidly I found myself provoking XH when I knew a hiding was coming, more than once, to get it over with so he’d be nice to me for a little while.

Ten years later looking back, it seems inconceivable that I did. But it was my normal then. It took getting away and working on finding out who I was again before I understood it all.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. I discovered it takes on average 37 incidents of violence before a woman feels able to seek help.

They do it because they groom us, and they gaslight and control us to ensure they get away with it.

You’ve realised his actions, that’s a massive, massive step.

CityFarmer thank you. Sadly it was being hit in front of DS1, who ended up terrified and screaming at his dad, to actually shock me into doing it.

He still remembers, but has had lots of counselling and is glad I left.

Your kids will be too, because I firmly believe you’ll do it.

@CityFarmer - I should have also said I adore my mum to bits and it took her a long time, I was 15ish when they separated. I know how hard it was on her.

You don’t learn boundaries as a kid when this happens at home, so how you have boundaries as an adult and mark out your space in the world? I’ll be a WIP forever.

I more witnessed him physically threatening her and throwing things at her - he saved the actual slaps for us. I don't blame you OP, like my mum you were very young when you met him and like my mum you were possibly naive and he preyed on that. BUT you're now in your 30's and there's no excuse, you NEED to leave. This is doing untold damage to your children, it's literally ruining their future. I love my mum dearly and she eventually left him after we begged and begged as teenagers but honestly... I'd never say it to her as I know none of it was her fault, but I see her as a bit weak and pathetic at times and all of this only came to the surface after I had my own children. Before then I didn't think it was all that was and I just got on with things and forgot.I honestly thought I was unaffected by it but that just shows you how damaging childhood experiences can be.

I really feel for you but you have a responsibility to your children - they didn't ask to be born into shitty circumstances and you owe them the best chance at happiness, so enough is enough. Dig deep, put your own fears aside and put their needs first no matter what it takes.

Wishing you all the best xx

I want to tell my eldest it's no okay what happened the other day. To get it out.

If my dm had had this conversation with me I would have been able to respect her and know that she put our wellbeing before herself and her fears. As it is, on the occasion that I tried to talk to her about it she gets very defensive and becomes a victim. There is no acknowledgement of how we were affected by the violence and the bullying, no show of remorse or empathy. I know she loves us all and I know she is sorry, but she's unable to openly deal with the guilt and shame and put it to one side in order to focus on us and our pain. It's always all about her pain. As a result our relationship is crap.

I didnt think it was all that bad

Forgot to say I had low contact with my father after they divorced, but since having my own children I've gone NC. I'm very angry at both of my parents and am thinking about looking into counselling as I'm afraid my anger will have a negative impact on my own children...and so the circle continues :(

There was no DV in my household.
It wasn't until I started work at Social Services I found out how common and brutal it was.
I could understand why the women felt trapped and embarrassed to say anything, even though it was obvious what was going on.
I have to say, although the main part of my job is working with children i also work with their families when needed. Part of my role can be to supporr ( nearly always) mums in the same position as you.
Please believe me when i say you have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about.
You are not the first or last person to go through this but this is your life.
You have the power if you believe in yourself to give yourself and your kids a positive future with good outcomes but you MUST speak up.
Ring social services, speak to a doctor or health visitor if you have one. Speak to a friend that you can trust to help. Any if these can help you.

Please speak up sooner rather than later to get the ball rolling for help for all of you.

@CityFarmer After a particularly ugly argument (glass smashed, doors slammed) that woke my DC and upset them, I realised I didn't want them to grow up in an environment like that. I left whilst DP was out of the house the next day. My situation is different as we're not married, and we're working on our mutual responses to situations. I'm also fortunate that I have a good support network in whom I've confided about my situation. I haven't RTFT but it looks like you've made some huge strides towards a much more positive future, and I have such respect for you.

The house/mortgage is actually only in my name. I've asked him to leave before. He won't.

WA can help you with this OP. Not all their work is Refuge based, they do outreach advice and support too.

Please be aware that there are Women's Aid services within the community that can help you without you and your children having to leave home. I've recently started volunteering with a DV charity and know that they have some outreach services. You can call them on 0808 802 5565. No one will judge you, they will simply help you to do what's best for you and your children.

Good luck .

Never. Occasional argument, but nothing that had any impact on us.

Also, I’m sure it’s already been mentioned OP but have you tried googling “The Freedom Programme”? Really informative and helpful for disentangling the jumbled up thoughts in your head of what is and isn’t ok, and removing the way he’s made you think.

I did, my Mother nagged incessantly, nothing was ever good enough and us children certainly weren't good enough. Occasionally Dad would blow, very occasionally but she certainly drove him to it, rubbing mashed potatoes into her hair happened a few times

Accountant in genuinely shocked you blame your mother for your father's violence. If he was unhappy about her 'nagging', he could leave - instead he chose to assault her.

Yes I witnessed it my father to my mother and yes my past three relationships have been three of the most abusive relationships I've ever known people to talk about you know who taught me this was normal my mother because she stayed so I thought this wasn't my idea of normal I recreated this in every relationship

I had a daughter and I'm now single for the first time in my adult life and will remain single fuck her going through that because of what i had taught her

Time to put my big girl pants on and break the cycle

@Accountant222 please don't say 'he drove her to it', I cannot think of anything anyone would ever say to make me rub mashed potato in their hair. Everyone has a choice how to behave and that includes leaving the situation or 'using your words'.
Occasionally with my exH I would disagree or, god forbid, argue. Did I drive him to:
pour hot drinks over my head, knock me to the floor, smash the children's toys in front of them, tell me to fuck off out of 'his' house, go to my (non-existent) lover etc?

@Twillow, no perhaps the wrong choice of words. He was a lovely Dad, she was a complete nightmare her nagging was incessant, he's been dead nearly 30 years, she's nice now she's got Alzheimer's.

Accountant someone who physically attacks a partner in front of their children is not a "lovely dad". You might have loved him, you might have hated your mother (it certainly sounds like it), they both might have been horrible people - but "lovely" dads don't do that, whatever other lovely qualities they have. The fact that he did that disqualifies him from being any sort of a good dad.

I am so so sick of women constantly excusing men's violence as a woman's fault.