Domestic Violence - did you witness any towards your mother?

[CityFarmer]

Just that really, did you witness your mum (or dad) getting hurt as a child? What's your opinion of both your parents now?
It's got to the stage I can't protect my kids from seeing it. I suspect my eldest has seen more than I've thought I've protected him from, certainly heard arguments.

Despite the split lips, stitches, bruises, fear. His numerous online relationships.
I think this will be what breaks me.
I'm not in love with him, a few months ago I explained I wanted to stop all this, I'd not cry if he left or we divorced, there's no love left for him. Yet here I am, stuck.

Before anyone suggests to LTB. I, and many domestic violence sufferers now this already, but still stuck.

I'm stuck because I'm too embarassed to say the words out loud that I need help.
I think soon I'll have to tell the police, or his family or mine. As soon as I do, there's no going back, it will all end. But the words stick in my throat. I can't get them out. I can't protect myself, but I want to save my kids from this.

My priority is to shield the kids. I have no one IRL to ask this Q. did you witness your mum (or dad) getting hurt as a child? What's your opinion of both your parents now?

My issue to leaving, is my world turning upside down. (Whilst this isnt a preferable existance). I don't want everyone to know, i couldnt look them in the eye.

I also don't want my kids to resent me because I didnt end this sooner.
The preschool pair won't remember, the elder one I have to accept isn't being kept from this any more.

CityFarmer that’s part of the abuse. They make you think you can’t cope without them, that things will be too difficult, too scary, you won’t manage.

It’s what made me stay too.

I wish I hadn’t, because DS1 wasn’t even 2 when XH (then H) battered me in front of him. He’s 11 now and still remembers.

Sorry I hit post too soon, that wasn’t intended to guilt trip you and I’m really sorry if it comes across that way.

What I meant it to mean is that the way you’re feeling is totally normal. You’ve been conditioned to feel that way by him and by his abuse.

You’re stronger than you think, I promise you that.

My Dad was what he was, but I resented my Mother.

She was the one that kept me in the situation that effected every part of my life.

Children seeing/hearing/living with DV are being abused. If you stay you collude in that abuse. Which is why SS have had to say, leave the abuser, or lose your children.

As a CP SW every Parenting assessment that I did on a Parent whose child was under SS had experienced DV growing up.

You are altering the course of your children's lives by staying.

Lets hope that one day your children can say out load what you can't because they need help from someone.

Yy to the atmosphere
Once we left my kids would be downstairs around me, it was wonderful. We laughed, ate when we wanted, went where we wanted. Christmasses were magical. We are free and can breathe.
My kids hate their F.
Re my dad i am so headfucked i usually feel guilty and responsible for his welfare.
With my ex, It was cold, silent, they hid away. They heard things they shouldnt have but they are largely ok, but i was honest with school. She had counselling and support. We are in a different world, i will never have another relationship. I am dead inside from long term abuse. But it is 100% better than before.
Please please be honest. People everywhere will help you xx

Yes horrific violence towards my mother, my myself and siblings all suffer with severe anxiety. I can walk into any room and sense the atmosphere.

You may think you are shielding them as did my mother, but you aren't it's a lie that you are telling yourself as you know deep down that it is damaging you all and potentially the rest of your children's lives. Please have a read on cognitive dissonance. Your kids have not asked you to martyr yourself for them.

Please get you and your kids out there is also a proven link between domestic violence in the home and increased risk of abuse towards the children.

Please get help and get yourself out

My dd was the one to raise it at school. They physically examined her.
She is doing well now.

""My issue to leaving, is my world turning upside down""

You'll recover, though. Stay and your children won't.

Your experience is changing you as a Mother. Read back your excuses for staying, are they good enough?

I did. My DM had one partner who was basically a psychopath. He tried to strangle me quite a few times and use to dangle me by my feet until I threw up from crying aged 6. I remember hearing noises from their room and going in only to be met with him strangling my DM against the wall. I think I saved her life because he ran out after that. If I didn’t hear it happen then I don’t think she’d be here now. I went on to experience severe DV and almost died at the hands of my abuser a few years ago. History really does repeat itself

@FlyingElbows
I understand completely, i dont think you sound harsh. But honestly I've no wants or wishes, except to eventually reach normality at some point

Not physical abuse but emotional abuse and drug and alcohol abuse:

*My Dad was what he was, but I resented my Mother.

She was the one that kept me in the situation that effected every part of my life.*

I 100% wholehartedly agree with this. Not only did my mother enable us to witness what he did to her, she also stood by and didn’t say a word when he turned on us too. I didn’t understand how unhealthy my home life was when I was a child and growing up in that environment has had a huge part of many very bad choices and mistakes I’ve made with relationships. Now in my 30s and after a lot of work, I’m learning to realise what’s normal and what isn’t. In most ways I blame my mother more than my father for the impact their fucked up relationship has had on my life because she had the power to stop it but never did. Don’t seal that fate for your children OP.

Ugh sorry posted too early. If you need to speak to someone then my inbox is open to you OP! I know exactly how you feel. I felt that I couldn’t leave my abuser because he’d kill me. Once you tell the police it starts to get easier from there. Please consider leaving and reporting to the police! They can help you and get you the right support

If you don't even love him then why stay? Other way round growing up and I went virtually nof contact with my mum.Dad loved her, made excuses for her but nothing will make up for it. Having said that it hasn't affected me as an adult as I have pushed it into the past for the most part and have mostly been fine.

I did. It made me resent and blame my mother with every fibre of my being and we will never have a 'normal' relationship, even though I know academically it wasn't her fault. But I can't forgive her for not leaving.

I hate my stepfather. Hate him. But we all play along now and pretend it never happened, which makes me hate myself. He kicked the shite out of me once too. Don't pretend he won't do this to your children, because he will. Maybe not in the same way that he hits you - I got my beating because I refused to back down over something incredibly trivial, then once I was put back in my place he never touched me again - but once was too often.

I can't bear raised voices which means it's taken years for me to be able to have healthy disagreements with DH.

It has had an enduring and significant effect on my life. My mum is an acquaintance because I keep her at a huge distance.

I hope you'll leave him. Because if you don't, one way or another your children will leave you.

My mother emotionally abused my father. It was difficult at the time but I learned a lot of important lessons about how not to behave in a relationship, the most important bring that one doesn't have to take the abuse. My father eventually stood up to her and didn't let her get away with treating her that way. I would never treat anyone that way and more importantly I would never let anyone treat me that way.

Yes. My stepfather beat my mother. They are still together.

It was never spoken about. Once they made up from whatever row I was naughty if I ever said anything about what had happened.

I heard everything.

When I was 4 I stood at the top bottom of the stairs watching him with his foot on her neck on the landing. I remember pathetically patting his back trying to make him stop. Then he went out and my mum was covered in blood, her dressing gown was covered in blood and she was holding me close and when I smell blood even now I feel like I'm going to throw up.

When I was 10 he gave her a black eye and after she hid at home for a week she told everyone that I had accidentally kicked her in the face when I was messing around.

Thinking about it makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I was conditioned to love him like a father, I saw him as my father. He brought me up and it wasn't always bad. I still feel so conflicted, like he isn't even my dad- I should hate him for what he did but also he was always there for me and treated me like I was his.

I used to wish my mum would keep her mouth shut and not argue back, or not give him the silent treatment because I panicked about him losing it and lashing out.

It wasn't only violence towards her, he'd also throw things, I remember him knocking the Christmas tree over, ripping the house phone off the wall and smashing windows.

As an adult I try not to think about it and feel like he's a different person when I'm visiting (which isn't very often). I know why she didn't leave- she didn't drive, was miles from family who were pretty dysfunctional themselves and she thought it was normal having grown up with an abusive father herself. I called 999 once when I was convinced he was killing her and she told me off as the police don't get involved in family arguments.

That anxious knot in my stomach that appeared at any hint of a row still remains. Even at 30 years old I still feel like that terrified little girl, powerless to help. DH is the most gentle man I have ever met and has never laid a finger on me but I don't trust that he wouldn't. That's pretty shit really. I go out of my way to avoid arguments and that has made me a bit of a doormat at times.

My brother experienced the same as I did growing up, he is my stepdads biological son but is probably less inclined to have anything to do with our parents than I am.

My mum would love nothing more than to have my DC stay with her during school holidays but I won't let them go just in case. I do not want them to ever witness what I did and I can't be sure it doesn't happen.

Wow that was longer than I realised.

Yes, my dad is an alcoholic, my mum passed away years ago. We witnessed lots of things while growing up. She was of a generation who wouldn't leave or talk about it - just accept whatever was dished out or demanded of her due to his "rights" as a husband.

I wouldn't have a great relationship with him now. He lives quiet close but I owe him nothing.

My sister ended up married to a horrific, controlling man when she looked for help my mother told her she had made her bed.
My sister is still with that man, one of her sons is a carbon copy of his dad.

That's the legacy of staying.

My stepdad beat my mum. I remember waking up (not sure why) and went downstairs. I heard banging and it was her at the door. He was passed out on the sofa. I opened the door and there she was. Naked and black and blue. I’ve never forgot it.

We left that night....

Yes I did. I hate my dad. My mum committed suicide when I was a teenager. Much as I loved her and miss yes I am angry with her too. Her and my dad fucked up mine and my siblings childhood. The black eyes, cut lips, hair pulling, boiling water poured over her, arms bruised etc etc
I used to beg my mum to leave him. My head acknowledges that leaving wasn't that easy but my heart says why the hell did you put us kids through that.
We are all still paying the price today.

I grew up with this, he was violent and prone to "flash" tempers. I saw him hurt mum a few times, when he was caught by another adult he stopped hurting mum (to the best of my knowledge) and redirected his anger onto his kids. I grew up fearful to say the wrong thing, to look the wrong way, to not do exactly as was instructed and even then, there was always something that you couldn't foresee that would tip him over the edge.
I'll never understand why my mum was happy to have that violence redirected onto her kids, and why she didn't do more to get us out. They're still together, both very difficult to be around and he tries to make light of times he is violent to make it seem better.
We were never allowed to speak about life at home to 'outsiders', we were always fearful of the next thing to set him off and it is deep-rooted.
Neither would admit the level of violence was bad if asked now, and actually would likely react very badly if it was implied that we had a less than perfectly ordinary childhood.
Even writing this post has me slightly anxious in case they realise I've put these things down in a public place and shared the information with people who shouldn't know what goes on behind closed doors.
It's incredibly damaging, but you still have time to make it OK. Please, please put your embarrassment/fear to one side and get help in real life because one day he might go too far and then your children will be left without either of you, and they might not recover from it.

In my case it was an alcoholic father attacking my mother. I was an only child and I became a hypervigilant, compliant people pleaser from a young age.

She eventually divorced him when I was a teenager. I witnessed a few things that led me to suffer PTSD, he made me witness his suicide attempt, kind of as a punishment for me begging my mum to divorce him (my life was intolerable). Police would regularly attend domestics at our house and they recommended I stay elsewhere. I was sent at 15 to stay with my new boyfriend and his religious parents, where I immediately experienced DV from my boyfriend. I felt I could not bother my mum with it with all she had on her plate so I just endured the violence. Also I thought it was pretty normal for men to hit women.

The things my dad did led to me taking on a kind of responsibility for him, as he had a couple of chronic conditions plus alcoholism. He has held me to ransom with his threats of suicide and pretty much psychologically abused me for 35 years until I finally cut contact in February as I had a nervous breakdown. It's like I've been programmed into a compliant role and I don't really know the real me.

My mum took a little while to recover from the domestic violence but went on to lead a happy life. I have suffered far more (she admits that) because what Ive had to see from a young age has shaped me. I struggle with PTSD emotional flashbacks, anxiety (I can't drive because I get panic attacks from flashbacks things that happened in cars, drink driving etc).

The people pleasing and compliance is so overwhelming that it sometimes comes out in the form of micromanaging, and enabling. It effects me every day of my life!

Yes, I’ve seen ongoing, regular domestic violence. Full-on bearing at least once a week. I’ve seen my dad knock my mum unconscienxe, beaten her while pregnant - you name it.

It has left myself and my siblings with long lasting mental health issues. Apart from anxiety, depression etc, it’s been no help o two siblings - one with schizophrenia and the other bipolar. We have all made very questionable life choices, often been unemployable - I would hazard a guess due to trauma. Despite being a victim, our mum downplayed our experience. We rarely talk about it. I underachieved massively in life, I’m a very nervous person. Like a pp, I get very upset hearing raised voices. My husband cannot wear ‘good’ shoes at home as I can’t stand hearing shoes on floorboards ( the sound of my dad looking to beat my Mum up and destroy our home). We lived in terror all our lives - I felt for sure he would kill us all.

Mum never left him. I’m basically nc with them. It’s sad and I think I grieve for my lost childhood. Mum is now 67 and has dementia. Recently he punched her in the eye and she now has a detached retina. I can really think about all of this much because it’s all so fucking sad. I live half a world away from them and to protect myself I act like they don’t exist.

I always felt very protective of my Mum. When I had my first child I quickly got very bitter as I saw her in grow during her toddler years and realised how traumatic my childhood had been and realised how much it had impacted me. It’s effects are still pronounced and I am 47. I’m not trying to make you feel guilty, but you can’t ‘hide’ dv from your dc and it will cause irrepairable damage.

My dad regularly hit my mum. And held her by the neck and threatened her with knives. Bruises to cover, police visits prompted by panicked 999 calls which were then retracted once they turned up. Even a night in custody.

It has gone on as long as I can remember which is almost 40 years. She never left. He is 90 now and still doing it. He told her the other day that he hated the ground she walked on and that he wished that she was dead. He genuinely thinks he is provoked and it’s her fault.

It has had a devastating effect on me and my sisters growing up. We have all tried numerous times to facilitate her leaving. We maintain a relationship with him because she asks us to, if we don’t play ball it makes life more difficult for her.

She is undoubtedly the victim. As you asked for the child’s perspective though, I’d say I feel great resentment and dissonance at having to maintain a relationship with an abuser, she had a choice to stay or go where we didn’t.

I wish you the best of luck OP. No one deserves to be mistreated and it is never too late to realise this and change your situation. I wish my mum would leave even now, and have a good few years without the stress and abuse.

If you can't speak the words, type them into a 101 online reporting form. Say what you have said here. Tell them that you don't know how to verbalise it. Tell them you need help to stay safe, help to keep your children safe and help to find your voice. Your children will thank you for it one day and they will be emotionally healthier as a result. Good luck.