Domestic Violence - did you witness any towards your mother?

[CityFarmer]

Just that really, did you witness your mum (or dad) getting hurt as a child? What's your opinion of both your parents now?
It's got to the stage I can't protect my kids from seeing it. I suspect my eldest has seen more than I've thought I've protected him from, certainly heard arguments.

Despite the split lips, stitches, bruises, fear. His numerous online relationships.
I think this will be what breaks me.
I'm not in love with him, a few months ago I explained I wanted to stop all this, I'd not cry if he left or we divorced, there's no love left for him. Yet here I am, stuck.

Before anyone suggests to LTB. I, and many domestic violence sufferers now this already, but still stuck.

I'm stuck because I'm too embarassed to say the words out loud that I need help.
I think soon I'll have to tell the police, or his family or mine. As soon as I do, there's no going back, it will all end. But the words stick in my throat. I can't get them out. I can't protect myself, but I want to save my kids from this.

My priority is to shield the kids. I have no one IRL to ask this Q. did you witness your mum (or dad) getting hurt as a child? What's your opinion of both your parents now?

I want you to know that your life will be so much better. Indescribably so. My eldest was 8 when I left, my youngest just a baby. It took a while to get everything sorted but the feelings of relief were almost immediate. I will never forget freedom I felt when I realised I didn't have to walk on eggshells any more. Oh can do this, you must. You and your children deserve to have a safe, calm, happy life.

My father never did but I remember as a teenager witnessing a man kicking and stepping on a woman in a cinema carpark - I assume his wife, they were definitely together and looked in their fifties. It was gobsmackingly shocking to witness and has stuck with me ever since. These were complete strangers - I can only imagine how awful it would be for a child to witness this in the home between their parents.

I blamed my mother a lot for not leaving him
She tried and failed a few times

He died last year. Still not giving much of a f* about that.
Me and my mother have such a strained relationship I’d rather go without

Was going to close this thread without leaving a post as I didn't know what to say. I have read every word. I thought I had a tough childhood..I don't know how to do that flower thing, but a huge bunch of flowers for you all.

OP a fundamental difference between your childhood experiences and that of your DC is that your home was the place you were safe from racism and bullies. Your DC's home is the place they feel most vulnerable and anxious.

Please keep trying WA. They will help you make a safe home for you and your children.

A local woman was murdered by her bf a couple of weeks ago, all her friends knew he beat her regularly but she wouldn't leave him because she loved him and now she's dead.

Leave now, children who grow up in homes with domestic violence are more likely to end up in violent relationships themselves.

Well done and keep going.

Every time you waver, remember this: the sooner you get out, the more time your dc have to heal. The more time they have to recover their true personalities than their ones formed as witnesses to abuse.

Every time it feels too embarrassing or too difficult or you worry about the hardship you and the dc may have to go through for a few years, it is a drop in the ocean compared to the years spared of eating disorders, ducked up relationships and therapy or your dc self medicating with alcohol/drugs. Not a single poster in here has said that the 5* holidays and the newest game console made up for the abuse. Not a single person has said that a refuge/council flat was worse than an abusive household.

All the people who recovered their relationship with their mum watched her leave. All the the ones who have a poor or difficult relationship watched her stay.

You can change this narrative. By learning to tell your story you are taking the first step on this journey.

Keep going!

It’s quite hard to read. My father beat my mother to a pulp. She never left. He did though after uprooting us from where our grandparents were dumping us in a new town and heading off to his OW. What was a struggle is he was always great with me and my sisters. However his relationship with my mother was awful even when he left. He would turn up out the blue, try and take me and my sisters out of school. My youngest left with him once and thought it was great. It was all about control and my mother never dealt with her demons. She also ended up being abusive to me and my sisters. Taking brushes to us and throwing us out in the street. I don’t deal well with anxiety at all. I have grown up with a strange relationship with my mum where I love her but she never acknowledges her emotional detachment with us or her abuse but expects me and my sisters to hate my father for what he did to her. I don’t trust men and I am fiercely independent and will never be left in a vulnerable position with a man. It’s terribly damaging to dc being around this level of abuse and leave a a life long imprint I still wonder why she never left ......

I spoke to my eldest yesterday. We were in the car, I'd read recently on a unrelated thread, car chats are easier for kids, as you're side by side not in direct eye contact.

Idkw I thought it important to the ppl who replied that have been through this to show/explain that I'm trying. In thanks to your replies on a really difficult subject. The comments arent in vain.

After yesterdays attempt at calling WA, I did 2 diff school runs. Eldest optician appointment. Spoke to eldest about what happened a few days ago. Then I'd reached my limit. So didnt call WA again, but I will.

I asked my son hows school's been going, first two weeks complete for new school year. Asked him whats going well, what's not. Asked him if he's got any worries or concerns about anything, like not having a coat yet (said buy him a new one when the weather turns rainy), asked him about any other concerns outside school, like hows his sports club going or, like when theres arguments in the house. Basically trying to ease into the conversation, not blindside him with it. Explained to him its not correct or okay. That I'm working on a way that will mean he doesn't have to worry about them. Said I want him to know thats not correct behaviour. He said it does bother him :( He said, you know (referenced when the roadworks were outside) [last year] I asked what the word divorce means, (not a word iv used at home), it's cos i thought thats what was going to happen. So we discussed that, he said he wouldnt want that to happen. (Which I've ignored, that's exactly the path I'll follow, but didn't say that to him. Thats a discussion for a different day.) I said divorce can be a good thing, if it means everyone gets to be happy. He basically said he thinks I instigate the arguments, because from his point of view, or from what he can hear his dad say, it looks like I wind up his dad. (Which disgusts me, because even if i did, violence isnt an appropriate response. It digusts me because I dont want him to think a women's role is to toe the line and keep quiet for the sake of appeasing someone else. It digusts me because i know it's my husband who's talking to female 'friends' or mismanaging money or whatever else is the trigger, i just cant stay silent about) I said, i think he's too young for me to go into every detail, but it's complicated, however there's no excuses, there's no excuse for him to feel worried about arguments. We have a good relationship (i think). So i said if he wants to talk about anything, wether it's what colour he wants for his new coat or wether he's feeling worried, we can always chat about it. Big or small.
I just tried to keep it age appropriate, which if fking maddening because the whole thing isnt appropriate for a child in the first place - which i knew as we were chatting.

It made me quite conflicted, lost some respect for myself and as a parent. But have zero respect for my husband.
At the absolute least I hope by talking about it he doesn't internalise it. As some replies showed how huge an issue that is. By getting it out in the open, it'll protect them. Because by getting it out, that's how we'll remove ourselves from this

OP a fundamental difference between your childhood experiences and that of your DC is that your home was the place you were safe from racism and bullies. Your DC's home is the place they feel most vulnerable and anxious.

Wow! Thank you.
I'd not realised this myself.

Yes. It was horrendous because there was always a grim atmosphere of threat and I am now I suffer wirlth anxiety which I believe is a.direct result.

My dad was emotionally abusive, as well as physically.

*Re: long periods of stability, OP- I just want you to be clear on this

In our house there were lots of “happy” times too. And my stepfather was amazing at arts and crafts, midnight feasts, surprise days out....

It’s made it much worse actually*

From the replies, there's examples of one DV incidence, being one too many. So deep down i know the happy periods dont make up for anything. I've told my husband before, the good bits absolutely arent worth it. Being hit isnt a price to pay. He doesnt get that its scars and twists everything. He doesn't get that the scars from past event prevent me caring about him, when he asks why I don't support him with a health issue he has, he doesnt understand its impossible that someone you hurt will feel caring towards you.
That last sentence, I realise is in third person, if I discusd it with him it's always thurd person, like I've mentally removed myself from what happens.

He said he'd worked on himself, that it'd been 3 years since he'd hurt me. So there are long periods between. But the replies show that makes no difference to kids. Maybe he doesnt count the rages. He doesn't count the object that got smashed in between. He doesn't count standing in front of me as physically intimidating, with ir without his hand clenched.

He's asked how to prevent it. The answer is leaving.

You and the children don't have to leave, you know that don't you? You can ask him to leave. You can do it with your family there. Or involve police. I can't remember if you said you've told them, or if they are close by? The upheaval will be less if he goes.

My dad's father beat his mother. Eventually he murdered her. My dad is a big man, he's fought in wars and seen terrible things, but I've known him to stay at a friend's house before while the couple have a drunken argument downstairs and he lay in bed shaking with fear. His own father died shortly after his mother. He hates and fears him, still. He doesn't think badly of his mother, but this was in the 40s when there was no women's aid, no laws to protest from domestic violence.

I hope you find the strength to leave.

My mum had just been let out of hospital following treatment for lung cancer. I heard shouting one night, when me and my sister got up we found her on the floor and it was clear he had hit her. She was readmitted into hospital not long after and died. So at the time of us finding he had hit her she was very close to the end of life.

My dad was a very angry person. I think my parents had to marry as my mum was pregnant with my sister. Different times. Lots of tensions, silences. My mum resented my sister, my sister was a fractious baby as a result. As someone upthread said, I was always judging the temperature in the room. This has stayed with me, I always know if there is tension or upset in a room even if I am not emotionally invested where it is- at work for instance.

And then before my mum got ill herself my dad got an illness that left him with a disfigurement. He got a lot of grief outside the home and he took it out on my mum (and us) which added to the tensions that were around before he got ill.

When she died we became even more fractured. My sister and I, rather than coming together, did not get on at all. She did not particularly like my dad, but she aligned herself with him (she was her favourite - possibly because of her being unwanted by my mum). My dad used to beat us, with me bearing the brunt. He kept spitting out you are just like her (meaning my mum, I looked like her mini me). I remember one night when he tried to strangle me. My sister was in the same room and did nothing. Just as I was blacking out he stopped. He was very shaken up the next morning. Kept grabbing me and saying sorry.

My sister left home at 17 and became NC. Because of his illness I stayed out of some warped sense of responsibility. I took more beatings but less so over the years as I realised that making the beatings more public frightened him. Reputation was everything.

He died when I was 26. I felt free and put the whole sorry saga in a mental drawer and life began for me.

I have mental scars. I keep people at arm’s length. I am married, he is my best friend, but there is a part of me that keeps him at a distance. I have low tolerance for people’s petty dramas. I am very independent, in thought and deed. If anybody tries to control me, it causes me anger and distress - I think this is a throwback to feeling impotent and stuck all those years ago. I can be dispassionate. I often feel outside looking in because I kept my home life separate from school etc. I lied a lot to cover up.

I asked my DH if he had ever witnessed his parents arguing. His mother was cantankerous- I never knew his dad. He said they never argued in front of them - he had a lovely upbringing.

Kids do know what is going on. The fear of something potentially happening is often worse than the physical abuse. Constant eggshells. There is no shame in being the victim of DV. The shame is with the abuser. And the effects are long lasting.

That was long. It helped me to write that out, sorry to hijack.

You need to remove your son from this appalling situation and the abysmal male role model your husband presents, and get him counselling asap OP. His dad has already done a number on him and skewed his thinking and view of how relationships work. He thinks you wind him up because this is what he has heard his dad say.

Can't remember whether it's on here or on other threads, but I've read that sons who grow up in abusive households often turn into abusers like their dads because they think this is how all relationships are.

When your son is older and bigger and stronger, you don't want him turning on you as well.

You and the children don't have to leave, you know that don't you? You can ask him to leave. You can do it with your family there. Or involve police. I can't remember if you said you've told them, or if they are close by? The upheaval will be less if he goes.

The house/mortgage is actually only in my name. I've asked him to leave before. He won't.

I looked up the police station few streets away from me, I'd syced myself up to go and just show them my arm where the bruises had turned black (so i didnt have to struggle with finding the words), but they must of closed down in the last few years :( So i posted on here instead.

And look how far you’ve come already City!

Whether you realise it or not, you’re on the path to freedom already.

Each step is one further forward. If it’s the big steps that scare you, take smaller ones. Even if it’s just getting paperwork together, or sorting out your finances for when you’re single, or something to help you regain a little control.

They might sound small, but mentally and emotionally you empower yourself with each step you take, even posting on here.

And that, most definitely, is something to be proud of

@CityFarmer I feel for you. I do. My parents had a fucked Up marriage. Violence, screaming matches, mums drinking, sex in front of us when he wanted to. Then he left. It was better. Mum still drank and I had that to deal with. I left at 17 with a 30 year old man who promised me a better life. His dad had left his mum disabled the beatings were so bad. He ended up the same. I remember crying and imagining I was somewhere else while he pushed and pulled at me into whatever position he wanted to have sex with me in. Screaming at me then ignoring me if I said no. And I put up with it til I was 26, because I had been taught THIS WAS NORMAL as had he. He beat me so badly I was off work 2 weeks on crutches when I left. I lived in my car. All of this happened because my relationship pattern was set in childhood. It’s already started with your son. I’ve had therapy after attending suicide ( my brother saved my life, he just had a “feeling” and came round ) and only in my mid 30s am I aware of who I am and how good life can be. You can do this. Please spare your kids this story. I lost the best years of my life. You can still give your kids theirs.

attending meant attempting. Sorry. Still hard to think about all that.

OP please contact Women's Aid. This is a heartbreaking situation, and reading how your son already feels you're to blame for winding his dad up means he's already started down a dreadful path. You need to remove your children from this and get your eldest counselling. Please don't let this ruin their lives as well as yours.
Please, please get help.

This post and the comments has really resonated with me. My DF was physically abusive to my mother - I don't recall it, I think I've blocked it out. BUT I am a terrible people-pleaser, aggressively micromanage everything, and panic when things go wrong - and my DP (who did witness domestic violence between his DM and DSD) is the same. We struggle in our relationship to have "normal" arguments because they quickly descend into shouting and throwing things. I've recently had our DC and I've initiated a separation because of the way DP handles day to day issues and emotions. The fact is, unfortunately, that we might not remember it clearly, but the impact of what we heard and saw still resonates to the extent that it's affecting our lives even today.

In a way this is so trivial. But this morning he brought the kids into the guestroom (I moved out of my bedroom quite a few weeks ago) eldest carrying a big bday cake with a candle in it.....thing is, TODAY IS NOT MY BIRTHDAY.
It's next week. Kinda tragic. What a prick. I dont even really celebrate my bday, somehow this morning weirdness was worst than if it'd just been passed over.

I kinda wish I'd just excitedly jumped up, let the kids sing happy birthday and blew out the candle. Instead i just looked up from my phone before they got started and said 'today's not my birthday'. Let one of the younger kids blow out the candle cos they were desperate to. But i thanked my eldest lots, massive hugs. Said it was a brilliant suprise especially cos it was early, id never have guessed.
Guess I'm tired of papering over the cracks. Mentally worn. Cant make the best of this shite situation anymore.

It’s not trivial at all City, he knows how you’re feeling and tried to use the kids to manipulate you. It’s horribly manipulative and spiteful.

@DwayneDibbly
I've initiated a separation because of the way DP handles day to day issues and emotions
There's no doubt in my mind I'll formally end my marriage. Can I ask what steps you've taken to initiate the separation?