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Original poster

Domestic Violence - did you witness any towards your mother?

308 replies

CityFarmer · 12/09/2018 16:18

Just that really, did you witness your mum (or dad) getting hurt as a child? What's your opinion of both your parents now?
It's got to the stage I can't protect my kids from seeing it. I suspect my eldest has seen more than I've thought I've protected him from, certainly heard arguments.

Despite the split lips, stitches, bruises, fear. His numerous online relationships.
I think this will be what breaks me.
I'm not in love with him, a few months ago I explained I wanted to stop all this, I'd not cry if he left or we divorced, there's no love left for him. Yet here I am, stuck.

Before anyone suggests to LTB. I, and many domestic violence sufferers now this already, but still stuck.

I'm stuck because I'm too embarassed to say the words out loud that I need help.
I think soon I'll have to tell the police, or his family or mine. As soon as I do, there's no going back, it will all end. But the words stick in my throat. I can't get them out. I can't protect myself, but I want to save my kids from this.

My priority is to shield the kids. I have no one IRL to ask this Q. did you witness your mum (or dad) getting hurt as a child? What's your opinion of both your parents now?

OP posts:
plumcat · 13/09/2018 12:00

I witnessed my father beat my mother very violently to the point I thought she was going to die. I was around 9/10 years old and I tried to help . I still see it In my mind so vividly all these years later. It has effected me to the point I think I have PTSD .

Hugs to you Thanks

TeeBee · 13/09/2018 12:00

meetthewildes...what you say about not trusting your mother to protect your children totally resonates with me. My children have never stayed over at my mother's house without me there. If you can't (or are unwilling to) protect your children, why the hell would we think you will protect your grandchildren?

plumcat · 13/09/2018 12:03

I must add that as an adult I have had a lot of resentment for both my parents as they drank a lot and my childhood was very difficult . I have also repeated the pattern of becoming involved in abusive relationships and have only recently broke free of one (and my last) as I now have a daughter and will never put her through any of that, ever.

ragmayo · 13/09/2018 12:09

It will take a lot of strength to make the call, but you have it! You won't realise until you're free just how much it takes you to get through each day. You're stronger than you know, I promise you.
When I left my ex, my children and I were sleeping in one room at my sisters. Might sound awful but we were safe. You can cope with anything that happens now. Nothing will be as bad as what you're living through now, waiting for the key in the door and how you feel when you hear it.
Wishing you the very best of luck. You can do this!!

EverardDigby · 13/09/2018 12:24

The preschool pair won't remember

I haven't rtft but they will remember because the fear will be built into the neural pathways in their brain. I also had BPD that I think came from my parents' relationship. I self harmed for 30 years (I started when I was 5 I would guess) and had drink problems too. I'm mostly okay now but I still never feel safe or relaxed, I don't know how to. I have a relationship with both my parents but I don't forgive him for not getting help for his anger and I don't forgive her for not getting us out of the situation. You are absolutely doing the right thing by getting some help to get away. Women's Aid is good, it may also be worth seeing if there is a women's centre near you. Thanks

TeeBee · 13/09/2018 12:24

OP, you have the choice now of whether your children see you as partly to blame, or whether they see you fight your way out of a corner in order to protect them. Their view of you is hanging in the balance here. Do it now. Today. You have taken the first few hard steps. Just the next small one. One foot in front of the other. Speak to them. Get help. Please. Don't let you children go through any more.

Bluecloudyskies · 13/09/2018 12:31

Yes my mum and step dad used to knock the shit out of each other.

It messed me and my brother up

I don’t speak to her and he is dead.

Greysonchamp · 13/09/2018 12:35

Op the kids will start to see you as the instigator.

You’ve just got to rip the plaster off.

butterfly56 · 13/09/2018 12:46

Witnessed violent alcoholic father beat my mother from a very young age. He beat me and my brother with a belt at my mother's instigation many times. At these times he was mostly sober!!

Abject fear was the pervading emotion that I felt from being a toddler.
I thought everyone felt like that, I knew nothing else. Looking back it was hell and there was no protection.

Fear and Anxiety have plagued me everyday of my life although I hid it very well. On the outside I was very calm on the inside my stomach churned non stop.

My mother is NC with both me and my younger brother because we remember all that happened. The youngest 2 don't remember any of it as they were protected by her.

The strange thing was that I had a lot of loyalty to my mother until about my mid 40's and was always the one she turned to when she needed help.

I have had to come to terms with the fact that she will never acknowledge how complicit she was in allowing the violence to continue for so long and also her own abusive behaviour once my father left for good.

OP the only way to shield your children is to move out now. Don't think for one moment they do not know what is going on and are not affect by it because, believe me they have already and will be in the future.

TeeBee · 13/09/2018 13:03

So much pain on this thread. I'm so sorry for everyone that has been through it. It is so, so damaging.

Ellie56 · 13/09/2018 13:13

OP you have come so far in one day. Well done you!

Someone once said to me "We don't know what we are capable of until we do it." That is so true and you have proved that today.

Keep going OP. You are braver and stronger than you know.

Orlandointhewilderness · 13/09/2018 13:30

This thread is heartbreaking. Please continue to face this OP - it isn't too late.

RickOShay · 13/09/2018 17:21

You don’t have a semblance of strength city, you are strong.
FlowersFlowers
Just keep going.

Believeitornot · 13/09/2018 17:27

I heard it. I didn’t see it. It was my step father and the worst incident was when he broke her leg. She was calling for me to help but I was too scared. I was about 8/9?

I never understood why Mum stayed. Also she did eventually escape but only through becoming an alcoholic and running away. She left me and my brother behind. Then she fell into another violent relationship. Same shit different man.

I don’t really understand why she made the choices she did but I get that mentally it was difficult. I spent a lot of time trying to work out how to get women out of domestic violence. This was not my responsibility- I was a child!

So I felt sorry for her, I pitied her. In the end I distanced myself from her - she was manipulative emotionally and put me in a position of confidant instead of daughter.

I feel quite numb towards her to be honest.

Believeitornot · 13/09/2018 17:31

I hope you might forgive us mothers who lacked the courage to do anything sooner

You know what. If my mum did something and took us with her, if she acknowledged that she made poor choices but has since made better ones then yes I’d forgive.

But my mum never has done and never will.

sanssherif · 13/09/2018 17:35

^this.
They wont think bad of you for the shit years if you manage to leave now. They will respect you.
It is the inability to act and put them first which they remember. Although i know you love them and want a family for them, kids dont see what we see. Xxx

EverardDigby · 13/09/2018 17:44

I hope you might forgive us mothers who lacked the courage to do anything sooner

I understand why my mother didn't leave, but I will never forgive her. She was an adult and she didn't protect me from abuse, and perhaps even worse looked to me for support. I've done a lot of recovering but I've missed my chance at a "normal" life. If she had left at any point and acknowledged the damage that she had done rather than taking a "we're all in this together" type approach it would have made a difference, but she didn't. You do still have the chance to do it though OP, and it's great you're taking some steps. People on here will always be supportive.

sanssherif · 13/09/2018 19:03

I've done a lot of recovering but I've missed my chance at a "normal" life

I thought this was just me.

This thread has really helped me see that the way I am is not just me. There are others the same as me.

OP you have helped me just by starting the thread.
I have been where you are.
You can help yourself and your children. Please keep trying xxx

MrsStrowman · 13/09/2018 19:19

I didn't but DH heard things between his grandparents and saw his GF being aggressive to his mum, he was very very young, but it has affected him. I've worked with perpetrators, victims and children from domestic abuse environments, one of the most traumatic things I heard was a little girl around five saying how she had to protect her baby brother because he was too young to deal with things like that. Children pick up on atmosphere, the change in your behaviour to stop him escalating, the walking on eggshells etc it deeply affects them, even if they dint see or hear anything directly (it's likely they will). The most common thing I heard from perpetrators was 'the kids were asleep they know if never hurt them', having worked with those children they heard and knew a lot, far too much for their young ages and they didn't know their dad wouldn't hurt them, and lots of them were very worried about being away from mum in case she got hurt when they were not there. The impact is huge. I know how hard it is to talk about, talking here is the first step. Writing it down and sending it to someone is a good idea, I've that email or text is sent, it's sent you don't need to look at anyone while they absorb your situation, and people who work with these situations won't judge you, but they will want to help you. In my experience people often shared a lot more with me as a professional than they ever would with friends and family for a complex multitude of very understandable reasons. You deserve more than this life OP and if you'd seen the journeys I've seen you'd know it was worth the leap.

MrsStrowman · 13/09/2018 19:27

Saw your update, well done on calling WA, for all its faults and snarkiness you'll find a lot of support here, for every step you take and every doubt you will have there will be people to remind you of what you're aiming for and why you and your children deserve that freedom. Keep posting OP

EverardDigby · 13/09/2018 19:34

Sans Thanks

That sounds overly gloomy, but I'm heartened that I ended the three generations of abuse and my DD, although she's picked up on a bit of my anxiety, has had a good and supported childhood and is likely to live a "normal" life.

lowtide · 13/09/2018 19:35

The saddest thing in all of this is that it’s very common for the children of abusers to become abusers. My ex dh became a carbon copy of his violent father when he was drunk. But he hated his father for what he had done. It’s very complicated. I couldn’t continue to be with him, he’s alone now, and admitted he crossed a line verbally with his new girlfriend. He ended it and I think he will be alone forever because he is so scared of what he is capable of doing.

I feel very sad for that little kid that he was that had to endure and witness all of it. And very sad that it has destroyed he hope of ever having a happy normal life.

My parents used to be violent and vicious towards each other, they had no love. very toxic in a different way, which is probably why I ended up with someone like my ex dp.

Mama1980 · 13/09/2018 19:51

Well done for making that initial step op. Just posting here takes such courage. Please keep talking, there's help for you, you don't have to live like this.
To answer your question, I saw my biological father beat my mother, I no longer feel anything for him and haven't been no contact since I was 14 when my mother finally left.
For her, he hit my brother that was the line. I love her dearly and respect her for finally leaving but I desperately wish she'd left years earlier for all our sakes. We weren't close for many years and it took time for me to forgive her but ultimately she was a victim and I understand that.

Thisismyhappyface · 13/09/2018 19:59

I haven't read all the responses yet as I don't want to influence my answer.

I saw some DV, and heard an enormous amount.
It terrified me.
I had awful teenage relationships just to have somewhere to escape to.
I left at 18 and never went back.
I then ended up pregnant in a violent relationship, then left and was a lone parent.
I'm now happily married to a lovely, gentle man, but I'm so angry with my father for the emotional damage he did to us all.

I hope you have the strength and support to get out.
Good luck lovely.xx

TheSkyAtNight · 13/09/2018 20:16

I did. I spent countless nights listening trying to figure out when I'd need to step in & call the police.

I hated them both for a long time and it has affected me my whole life.