Domestic Violence - did you witness any towards your mother?

[CityFarmer]

Just that really, did you witness your mum (or dad) getting hurt as a child? What's your opinion of both your parents now?
It's got to the stage I can't protect my kids from seeing it. I suspect my eldest has seen more than I've thought I've protected him from, certainly heard arguments.

Despite the split lips, stitches, bruises, fear. His numerous online relationships.
I think this will be what breaks me.
I'm not in love with him, a few months ago I explained I wanted to stop all this, I'd not cry if he left or we divorced, there's no love left for him. Yet here I am, stuck.

Before anyone suggests to LTB. I, and many domestic violence sufferers now this already, but still stuck.

I'm stuck because I'm too embarassed to say the words out loud that I need help.
I think soon I'll have to tell the police, or his family or mine. As soon as I do, there's no going back, it will all end. But the words stick in my throat. I can't get them out. I can't protect myself, but I want to save my kids from this.

My priority is to shield the kids. I have no one IRL to ask this Q. did you witness your mum (or dad) getting hurt as a child? What's your opinion of both your parents now?

Oh yes.

The preschool pair will probably also remember, depending on age I suppose. Violence are some of my first memories age 3ish. Not violence towards me or my siblings but I was still scared.

I don't have much of a relationship with either of them now even though they are very different people now.

It fucked me up big time. My first relationship was violent. I was violent in my next relationship. I had MH issues. Difficult to sustain friendships even now. I was angry about that and a number of other parental failings for a very long time! Less so now though.

Please leave. It's best all round. Telling people is difficult at first (I felt shame) but it's really easy to talk about once it's out there (other than guilt, but you already have that).

You can do it. You CAN do it. Make the call to Women's Aid first. You don't have to talk. Hang up. Try again. And again. And again, until you talk and then let it all out. Silent calls happen a lot because these things are difficult to talk about. Accept their help.

I wish you all the best.

Sort of.

My parents very rarely argue. Once, I was about 14. They had a blazing row. In the hall way screaming at eachother and my mum slapped my dad across the face, and he punched the wall and left the house. I was sick.

In the morning they both apologised to eachother and me. Explained they were ashamed of their behaviour and had no excuse.

I still remember it, and still remember how terrified I was.

I hope you get the help you need OP. Good luck x

I did OP, i was also physically and emtionally abused by my step dad. Then he held a knife to her throat and threatened to slit it so she left.. straight to another abuser who would burn fags on her etc.

She is also an alcohilic. I hate what she put me through. The two biggest memories of my childhood are searching a grave yard in the middle of the night for her drunk on my own. I wasnr even a teen at the point. My secomd was her laughing when my step dad abused me and she would tell me how I deserve it.

We get on now but it isnt a normal relationship and even thiugh I try hide it sometimes my resentment boils over.

More importantly I had no concept of normal parenting and normal healthy relationships. I walked straight into an abusive one which i left within 3 months to go to another absuer. I had two children with him and the abuse was constant. When my oldest was 2 (youngest 10 weeks) he held a knife to me and toddler was in the middle of us. All my childhood flooded back and I left that day. I couldnt do it to them. I want to teach them about healthy relationships but Idont know what one is myself let alone teach them. I am still too scared to have another relationship in case I put them through it again. I can also see evidence of what a shit parent I am, i dont know how to be a mum and how to do any of that and I am failing my children, i cant use my childhood as a reference to be a good mum. I love my children so much but I am an awful mum and I blame that on my childhood too to a huge extent.

I also think you nees to see the new womens aid video. It is hard hitting.

You can leave and your children deserve you to x

Yes, when I was small my birth father beat my mother unconscious in front of me. I can remember him punching and kicking her, while swearing and then her lying unconscious on the floor. I felt so helpless and angry and upset. That night when I got into bed with her, she told me that she couldn't hug me like she normally did because her arms were to sore. She kicked him out a week later.

A psychologist a few years ago believed that was at the root of my anxiety disorder, though not the only cause.

I am NC with my birth father and that is the main reason, i will never be able to move past what he did.

My Mum once told me "there isn't a single part of my body your father hasn't kicked or punched"
I saw it all, he put me in hospital, after hitting me in the head with a saw, threw my mum down the stairs whilst she was pregnant with me and again when i was in a cot.
When he lost it, i'd run and hide under the bed or in a cupboard.
She left him after finally realising the effects it was havin on us kids.

Took me years to come to terms with it all.... i hate him, he is still alive and i ve not seen him since i was a small child, i used to hope he'd die alone, scared and screaming with pain, now i am indifferent to him.

Me an my mum grew real close and she died 2 years ago.

No one can tell you what you should do but your kids wont thank you if you stay.

Pressed post accidentally but when not pregnant or breastfeeding I take large doses of antidepressants, am an adult self harmer and I'm riddled with anxiety and depression. Currently being assessed for Borderline Personality Disorder. I cannot relax or live in the moment, I always want to be someone else doing something else. I hold my violent parents responsible for the way I turned out.

OP, I sincerely hope that you and your children manage to escape this. I lived through a mostly emotionally abusive and sometimes physically and sexually abusive relationship after leaving my childhood home so I do know a little of what it's like to be the adult in this situation too, albeit there were no children involved. There is help out there for you.

for the OP and everyone who has replied.

Yes. I saw it. Numerous times, once had my youngest sister on my hip whilst standing there so noone got hurt refusing to move until things were put down.1st stepdad

I also pulled 2ndstep dad off my younger sister. He abused mum too i was no longer at home so didnt see it day to day.

So far to much growing up. No relationships with sf's mum put up with both for to long and we were always happier without a man around. But she didnt like the stigma of being a single mum. She did a brilliant job of raising us . How does it effect me, i dont like arguments i will avoid, hate being in a negitive enviorment, i will always try to be rationale. I dobt speak my mind to dh in the moment for fear of argument. I always come to him Later to discuss.
However if dh became abusive verbally or physical he would be gone.

City farmer you HAVE made your first step. There will be a whole other, better and peaceful future for you and your family if you take another step. The rest will just follow. You CAN do it, you can leave and you will be strong enough. Look what you cope with now.
I witnessed violence at home, my mum got us out of it thankfully. There aren’t many feelings I have left for my Dad except pity. My mum I adore.

Yes. I’ve been in counselling. My dad beat my dm up. She often couldn’t go out for black eyes. He beat us kids and then worse than everything for me my dm then took it out on us as well. Sometimes with a beating but also emotionally. I have zero respect for my mum. I feel like no good mum stays in those circumstances for a great length of time.
I completely understand staying while you get your shit together but staying and bullshitting your children about the reasons why are a load of bollocks and very selfish IMO.

I harboured a great deal of anger at my mum for many years, I still do. One small item of relief was her telling me she went to a women’s refuge with us when we were very young but she couldn’t stand the conditions with young dc. I forgave her on that basis.
I can’t remember being taken to a refuge but I do believe her. The fact that she at least tried to get out meant so much to me. I still believe a good mum would never ever allow the abuse to continue long term. It will affect me for life and I suffer greatly and flinch at the slightest hand movements coming near me. You hear, see everything and as a young dc you can’t comprehend it all so you make up scenarios as to why this is happening. Many dc blame themselves for example.

My mums still married to my dad. She used to bullshit about ‘staying for the kids’ when we were kids. Her youngest is now 31 and none of us live at home. Sometimes I say to her, what’s your excuse now there’s no dc at home? I also won’t let her grandc near that house. They don’t deserve that.
We’ve all offered her somewhere to live but she’ll stay there until one of them dies. What a complete waste of a life. We live in a country where you do have options. Take advantage of them.

All the best OP. I think it’s great you think you might get out now. It must be hard but I can tell you that as the dc its so so hard living a life knowing only that kind of life. I would never ever swap a day of my adult life for one in my childhood. Every part of my life was affected by this.

I did and the memories don’t fade, they just play over in your head like a film reel. I left home very young as I needed a clean break from it all.
My sister was in a relationship with someone who was controlling and sometimes violent. He did eventually kill her.
My family would have done anything to help her get away if we had known what was going on.

I saw it.

I was the emotional crutch for my mother.

I'm on anti depressants and psychological therapy because if the things I saw as a child.

Having my own children made me see how broken my childhood was.

Leave, you are protecting no one. Not you, and definitely not your children, they see and understand more than you know.

Yes but I don't remember it. Mum stayed with him for 3 years because she believed kids need their dad (and she truly had no support - literally not a single soul on earth). I was mute until the day she left when I started speaking in full sentences.

I'm grateful every day that she left. She taught me in that single move that relationships didn't have to be abusive. I truly believe she saved me from a lifetime of serious mental health difficulties. I'm happy and healthy, and I adore my mum. She's my hero.

You will never do anything more powerful for your children than leaving him. I'm so sorry that adds pressure to you, I wish it didn't. But please get out. Save all of you. You all deserve better.

No never any physical violence. But a lot of heated arguments, insults, and furniture breaking. I remember feeling terrified when they were having arguments. I can imagine how bad it must be if it’s physical. You are doing your kids no favour by staying.

My dad didn’t hit my mum but he shouted and threw ornaments across the room. He would disappear for days. He would drink too much and he once introduced my brother and I to his “girlfriend” telling her that we wouldn’t tell our mum. My mum would cry a lot in her bedroom - we heard her. We would sit at the top of the stairs listening to the shouting. My Mum died in her late 40s from cancer. I believe it was the stress of trying to maintain a normal life for my brother and I that killed her. I wish I could have helped her to leave. But in the 80s there wasn’t the support for women. She would have had no money or a house. It’s different now. There are organisations that can help. Thinking of you OP,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I witnessed my dad hit my mum once. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was terrified, I remember the panic I felt at the time. I only saw it once. I had nightmares about it for a long time after it happened. My dad was a drinker and would be aggressive when he came home from the pub. I'd wake in the morning as a child and our furniture would be smashed. My dad left me and mum for another woman when I was 13 and we moved from our lovely family home to a cold, dirty house that mum and I were lucky to get at the time through a local housing association. We made it as nice as we could and my happiest years were after dad left. We were living in poverty yet I was really happy with just me and mum. I really hope you're able to leave. Stay strong x

Yes. My siblings and I would jump up and down whilst crying and beg him to stop. One of my worst memories is my father holding my mother by the neck (possibly holding a knife to it)- my mother's expression still haunts me.

It may sound incomprehensible but I consider my dad a good man but he was unable to control his anger when under a lot of stress- still inexcusable. However, the incidents did become less and less as we grew up. Also, my mother openly shared that she regretted marrying my father which as a child was hurtful.

It has negatively impacted me but I've done my best to move on.

I did. It was awful. The fear and helplessness you feel as a child in your inability to defend your mother who you love the most in the world against someone who you meant to love too can be debilitating.

The reason I say can be rather than is, is that in my personal experience, seeing my mother rise and leave and then hold my abusive father to account against all odds was one of the most empowering experience in my life. I got that you could be downtrodden as they come and still find the strength and determination in yourself to not only set yourself free but also to bring justice to a man who considered himself not only above you but above the law. Never forgot that lesson. Not sure where I would be without it. It took me a while to process it, to acknowledge it and to fully embrace it but I love my mother more than anyone, not as a victim but as someone who set the best example a woman could have.

There is still time OP. You can do this.

Please find the strength to say the words. Your DC will be deeply effected by this forever, the sooner you can leave and limit the damage, say the words there is no staying in this relationship, if he hits you and you smack your head it could be game over, what would happen to your DC then, imagine they have to stay with him. Please reach out to womens aid.

To everyone who witnessed this, I can't imagine how horrible it must have been, especially to a child.

affectionincoldclimate, what you said about the fear and helplessness to defend your mother really resonated with me. All I wanted to do was to make him stop but I had someone holding onto me and I couldn’t get to her. Which in hindsight was a good thing but you don’t really understand that as a child.

I kept it to myself for over 20 years, although my family suspected something wasn't quite right. When I started to 'tell' I first began by recording incidents in a secret notebook. Eventually I got the courage to ring a DA helpline. Finally it slipped out to my boss. Not even till I left did I tell my friends.

NO-ONE I have ever told has doubted me or thought less of me or treated me any differently. I was so ashamed all those years, I was absolutely paralysed. At times, to my shame, the paralysis prevented me from protecting my children from him for fear of making it worse. Whether or not they see or hear, they recognise you in pain and they recognise an atmosphere. My poor children's childhood has left huge scars.

It hurts but I do understand why children have anger towards their mother for 'letting this happen', when the anger towards the father (if it is, as usually is, that way round) is subverted through the habit of fear. It is naive of others say they would never let this happen or once would be the last time, without having experienced it.

Every time you talk about it, it becomes easier. You have made a brave step already.