Domestic Violence - did you witness any towards your mother?

[CityFarmer]

Just that really, did you witness your mum (or dad) getting hurt as a child? What's your opinion of both your parents now?
It's got to the stage I can't protect my kids from seeing it. I suspect my eldest has seen more than I've thought I've protected him from, certainly heard arguments.

Despite the split lips, stitches, bruises, fear. His numerous online relationships.
I think this will be what breaks me.
I'm not in love with him, a few months ago I explained I wanted to stop all this, I'd not cry if he left or we divorced, there's no love left for him. Yet here I am, stuck.

Before anyone suggests to LTB. I, and many domestic violence sufferers now this already, but still stuck.

I'm stuck because I'm too embarassed to say the words out loud that I need help.
I think soon I'll have to tell the police, or his family or mine. As soon as I do, there's no going back, it will all end. But the words stick in my throat. I can't get them out. I can't protect myself, but I want to save my kids from this.

My priority is to shield the kids. I have no one IRL to ask this Q. did you witness your mum (or dad) getting hurt as a child? What's your opinion of both your parents now?

My dad was a nasty drunk who bullied us as children. As I came into my teens it was me that he was violent towards. We would beg my mum to leave him when we were little but she wouldn't. She just bitched about him to us.

My dad has got help, acknowledged what he did and apologised to me. I see him as only human and we've rebuilt our relationship. My mum I struggle to forgive. She should have protected us but she didn't. I guess I should view her as being only human too, but its harder for some reason.

Please act and protect your children. I'll never not carry my childhood with me, though I'm doing better now. Your children will be normalizing this.

Kids know. They just do. I did ( severe emotional abuse, poverty and smashing things). It took years of counselling to not feel guilt or shame. Children are sponges and they know.

talk oin the relationships board, annonymously. it may help you to formulate the words and get used to talking about it.

been there, done that

good luck. and be careful. they can get worse if they think you want to leave. and clear your internet history.

And I agree with a P.p it wasn’t til I had my own children that I realised how fucked up it was. On top of what I witnessed, they both slag each other off to me regularly. I hope to God I never ever lay that sort of shit on my children.

Yes, my childhood was spent walking on eggshells, hypervigilant, waiting for violent outbursts, furniture and windows smashed, fists and feet lashing out. We were desperately poor, but money could always be found for the litres of whiskey and the 60 cigs a day he smoked.

While I maintain a relationship with both my parents now, it is distant as I have to protect my own mental health. I have no real respect for either of them, even though, intellectually I understand they are both victims of generational violence. I blame my mother for staying with him and continuing to put us through it. As my siblings and I grew up and challenged him, he turned on us too.

I have been traumatised by my childhood. As an adult, I am conflict averse in personal relationships, struggle to ask for help to the point of self-sabotage (after years of covering up). I am a functional addict and my sister is in an abusive relationship.

You have taken the first step by typing the words here. If you can't say it out loud, can you email womens aid? If you leave, you will encounter cunts who will minimise his behaviour and defend him. You will meet people who will say crass, hurtful things. You will blame yourself. But you will also change your own life and your kids' for the better. You will be able to access support services that will be life-changing.

No, the idea is completely laughable. My DM was the strong one of the two. with my DF being the kindest, most gentle man I have ever met. DM would not have been violent but was definitely in charge; was the one to discipline DSis and I (not physically) etc.

I knew. My mother tried to shield us but we heard the sounds and saw the marks (on her and the furniture/walls).

I was lucky, I’m the youngest so I was still quite little when my brother tried to intervene and got badly hurt. After that we lived with my grandparents then my aunt and uncle because they didn’t believe my mum could/would keep us safe.

I don’t have a relationship with either of my parents now.

Yes I witnessed my dad beating my mum regularly. My earliest childhood memory from about age 2 is seeing my dad beating up my mum.

My whole childhood, until he eventually left when I was 9, was spent in a state of fear and anticipation of what was going to go off next. I used to actively listen out by sitting at the top of the stairs every night. I wanted to know if they were arguing about me, what seemed to cause it and I knew I’d have to rush in if it seemed like he might kill her. I’d also put my Walkman on my little brother in the hope he wouldn’t hear it.

I hated my dad. Still do. I’ve not seen him for about 10 years.

My mum died 10 years ago and although I loved her she we mainly got on well, I have to admit, there was always a simmering resentment to her that she didn’t leave him and remove us from that situation.

Warning, you may not like what I have to say. My dm did end things which did redeem her in my eyes slightly but, i thought she was weak. I felt she put her wreck of a marriage above her kids. That here own want for a family unit at all costs was total bullshit. I remember thinking I would rather live in a cardboard box with my kids and dignity than make my kids stay in a family like this. I don't have much empathy or respect for her. I feel she didn't protect her dc the best way she could. To be perfectly honest I think she was weak, pathetic and selfish. In my eyes her dc should have came first. We do get on now tho. I've never said those things out loud to her but really feel I should have sometimes. Sorry op.

Sweet heart please please please know there is absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about in saying you need help.
He's the one that should be embarrassed.
Please also do not worry what others think.
Your priority and concern are yourself and your children.
My mum and dad argued like cat and dog. I used to pray that they'd get divorced. They finally did when I was 17. My sister was 5.
I have no problem admitting that I resented them for leaving it late. To me it felt like they were saying. Well it was okay for me to hear all the arguments but not my sister.
I know that probably sounds stupid.
However had they got divorced when I was little they'd never have had my sister and I wouldnt had my nephews.
Mind you were can play the 'If you'd have been were I'd have been game for ever I suppose.

SilverySurfer, what was the point of your Post? Do you think strong Women can't be Victims of DV?

SilverySurfer DV isn’t about strength. It’s aboht power and control. Or lack thereof. Nothing to do with strength.

for all those affected
Op you need to get out ASAP or 20 years down the line your children Could be starting an identical thead to this.

A close friend of mine grew up with an abusive father. He bullied his family until her mother finally divorced him. Her brother has grown up to behave exactly like his father.

My friend says that after her mother dies in the future, she'll tell her brother to fuck off and never see him again. She's only civil to him now because if she isn't he takes it out on their mum, just like their dad took all his anger out on her.

You're just 30, you can build a new life with your kids and can help them to get counselling if they need it.

Could you send either an email or a letter to your parents/family or write them a note and take it to them?

I did.

I've seen my dad have an affair (even took me to meet her).

I've seen the police called after a particularly bad row.

I've found my mother on the floor after my dad has pulled the chair she was sat on from under hair.

I've heard him smash her head against a wall.

They're still together. The violence stopped when my brothers grew to be bigger than him. He also knows he'd never see any of us again if he hurt her now.

Yes. I witnessed my dad being really violent towards my mom. He put her in hospital a few times, it was really bad.
He finally left her when I was 8 and she cried to me for years "why does your daddy not love us and want to stay with us". She never would have left until he killed her. He threatened to kill us all a few times. He also hit me and threw me on the ground/against the walls from a v young age.

I'm on speaking terms with both my parents now. Hardly speak to my dad, but when I do, it's nice and civil enough. Even though I should have nothing to do with the nasty fucker, he's my dad and I just know that he'll die some day and I'll feel guilty if I cut him off. I told myself for years that he's changed, but I found out from his wife that he hasn't (she left him thank god). It's so fucked up. I hate him but I feel bad for that. It tortures me. I keep feeling that I'll explode at him one day and never see him again.

I'm much closer to my mom but I have resented her a lot, and I kinda still do. She's weak and she didn't protect us. She should have left the first time he hit her. She claims to love me and my siblings more than anything, but how could she risk us like that? When I look at my children now, I could never put them in danger like that. I'd never want them to grow up like I did.
It still fucks me up to this day, I actually tried to see a counsellor a month ago about it, but I couldn't speak without sobbing. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt too. For resenting my mom, for being nice to dad, for not protecting my mom and not calling the police when I was just a scared little child.

Thankfully I'm not in an abusive relationship now, but my sister is. With a monster exactly like dad. My brother has zero self esteem and is afraid he'll turn out like dad.

Just leave. Even if you and your kids are living in a one room bedsit with nothing to eat but baked beans every night, at least they're safe. I know you're scared, but just go. Write "My husband has been physically abusing me for years" on a piece of paper and hand it to whoever you need to, to get the wheels into motion.

Birdsgottafly A question was asked, I answered with my experience. Are you suggesting I should only have posted if I witnessed violence towards my mother? Is no alternative view allowed? If that is what the OP intended/wishes, she is welcome to ask MNHQ to remove my post.

YeTalkShiteHen I agree but neither of my parents were particularly controlling and definitely not violent.

OP, please call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247. If you can't speak, that's ok, they'll understand. If you can't leave, that's ok, they'll understand that too. They will help you find the words and the strength and access resources you need to do what is best for you and your family.

No. Zero.
My parents barely argued. They got on fine.

Dh and I don't argue that much.

My parents were very difficult people. My mother was an alcoholic when I was a child, I think she had mental health problems and some kind of personality disorder. She still has these issues. She would cause absolute havoc in our home until the point my father couldn't cope any longer - and then he would hit her. It's no excuse for my father. Some of the attacks were appalling and once resulted in me running to a neighbor to get help and call the police. They were totally toxic together and this was amplified in my childhood by the fact that times were different then in terms of what children were exposed to. I am also an only child so I suffered all this alone and mostly behind closed doors.

It ruined my life. I feel so dramatic writing that because I have also done a lot of therapy. But I did develop BPD which I attribute to what they chose to expose me to. Toxic childhoods create troubled adults. I have had to break myself and put myself back together - and away from them, to be able to live a bearable life.

My dad died 3 years ago. We were NC at the time. I now help my mother who is frail. I continually have to check my resentment to her. She was emotionally abusive and absent - also verbally so. I will never forget what she did to me. But I counter this by trying to remember there was a lot she did do for me and see her as just a broken individual who was herself abused (by her parents, by her husband at times and also by herself). I had parents who really should never have been parents.

The damage to a child when they witness violence and abuse, or suffer it themselves, will tarnish them and leave deep scars.

Yes my step dads violence so it’s eady to hate him no conflicted feelings

I saw him beat and rape my mum (which she denies) and he also beat me terribly

Yet my mum went back to him after he came out of prison

And yes it’s effected my life and how I am in relationships

I was adopted at 10 and in that family there was none; my Parents were dysfunctional in their way but also respectful and kind to one another.

In a foster home I watched our foster Mother's boyfriend beat her at times, and heard her cries and screams as he (now I'm an adult I assume) raped her in her bedroom.

I've never really considered that it could have affected me because of the positive roles my adoptive parents took, but thinking it through it's absolutely had an impact.

Yes, I grew up in a domestic violent home, weekends as a young child and full time from the age of 10.

I still hate my ex-stepdad.

The memories of waking up hearing my mum screaming and my stepdad yelling, protecting and comforting my little brother, and later my little sister (technically my half-siblings) will stay with me forever. It caused me to mistrust my 2nd stepdad for a long time. Once, after my mum got really drunk and upset (new found freedom and all that) and she was hysterical, I actually went to square off against my 2nd stepdad. 13-year-old me against an ex-rugby player, 40 odd-year-old man. I wouldn't have stood a chance, but damned if I was going to let myself, my siblings or my mother live through that again.

I understand it is hard to leave, but if you can, you should and sooner rather than later.

I wish you well. be strong, be brave and don't take any shit.

NC with family due to abuse and domestic violence. I’m sure my mum thought I was shielded but I wasn’t and when I moved out and experienced loving families and parents I had no idea how to deal with it because I hadn’t experienced it.

I wouldn’t have gone nc with my mum if she’d left him but I deserve better than having anyone toxic in my life and she chose him.