Domestic Violence - did you witness any towards your mother?

[CityFarmer]

Just that really, did you witness your mum (or dad) getting hurt as a child? What's your opinion of both your parents now?
It's got to the stage I can't protect my kids from seeing it. I suspect my eldest has seen more than I've thought I've protected him from, certainly heard arguments.

Despite the split lips, stitches, bruises, fear. His numerous online relationships.
I think this will be what breaks me.
I'm not in love with him, a few months ago I explained I wanted to stop all this, I'd not cry if he left or we divorced, there's no love left for him. Yet here I am, stuck.

Before anyone suggests to LTB. I, and many domestic violence sufferers now this already, but still stuck.

I'm stuck because I'm too embarassed to say the words out loud that I need help.
I think soon I'll have to tell the police, or his family or mine. As soon as I do, there's no going back, it will all end. But the words stick in my throat. I can't get them out. I can't protect myself, but I want to save my kids from this.

My priority is to shield the kids. I have no one IRL to ask this Q. did you witness your mum (or dad) getting hurt as a child? What's your opinion of both your parents now?

Would you have to say anything. Wouldn’t you just be able to say the marriage has broken down. Would your family take you in?

Occasional violence but to be honest their relationship was highly dysfunctional. She slept with several men behind his back, including one of his friends and told him he raped her. He is Aspie and she has severe bipolar disorder and was an alcoholic. I think he hit her a few times but she emotionally abused him. They were a nightmare combination and I have been able to have a relationship with him but not her as she was and is emotionally abusive to me as she is unmedicated. So, its complicated!

I saw my M be violent towards my DF, DSis and DSF , I also was a victim of her aggression.
Yes it's had a life long impression on both me and DSis. M now has dementia and we are responsible for sourcing her care package - not easy.

I did not witness any DV but I still suffer the after effects of it. I HATE shouting, any kind, it could be happy shouting and it still causes a visceral reaction in me. My Mum left him when I was 2, best thing she ever did for me (and she's done alot of lovely stuff)

Yes OP, I did and honestly for me there are lifelong problems because of it. Please seek help for you and your children before any more damage is done, there is help out there and a better life is calling you xx

My dad abused my mom

Some of my earliest memories are of my mother being hurt.

It left me terrified of my dad, but furiously angry with my mom.

I am Middle aged and I still haven’t gotten completely past it.

It did at least have one benefit. I really embraced the idea that a woman should never let herself or her children be dependent on a man.

I could've written your post word for word in fact I had a similar one a couple of weeks ago (it was removed- no idea why). Anyway mine is gone now, it's still very early days and still surreal but I just wanted to say, I see where you're coming from with your OP but I'm hoping the responses are not making you feel worse in a way? Your children may not necessarily feel the same way some of the posters do (rightfully, understandably) towards their mums when they're older.

Yes and lived in a refuge for two years

He beat her so badly she tried to take her own life

Likey I am not screwed up more

I hope you do manage to escape and that your children can break the pattern in their future relationships

I remember being scared when my mam & dad argued and I have vague memories of them hitting and throwing things at each other but they split when I was 4. Thinking back on it I'm glad they did and that I didn't have to grow up in that atmosphere.

My mam's 30 year marriage to my step-dad was, on the whole, peaceful, respectful and loving.

A few years ago I was talking to my dad about my childhood and told him that I was afraid of him and that all I remember from when he & my mam were together was the shouting. He was shocked; I don't think he realised how much it affected my sister and me.

My stepfather physically, emotionally and psychologically abused my mother.

He tortured me, psychologically from the age of 6 until I was 11, when they finally split.

I’m 30, and have been in and out of therapy since I was 16. It’s coloured every part of my life- and I’ve never ever forgiven my mother for choosing him over me.

She left him, not when I watched him beat her from every wall in the house, not when he kicked the shit out of her 6 months pregnant- or the time he battered her after her miscarriage. She didn’t leave him when he kicked her down the stairs. She didn’t leave him when he reduced me to a sullen, scrawny, terrified 9 year old girl. She didn’t leave him when mine and my sisters school photos came back and our eyes looked dead.

She left him when he had an affair.

I’ve never ever been able to let that go.

I see a psychologist once a week to deal with the trauma of living amongst domestic violence.
My earliest memories include seeing my mum trying to get away while my dad had her by the hair beating her. I hit my dad over the head with a hammer when I was 11 trying to get him off of her. It was extremely violent in my home and very unavoidable. The house also regularly got smashed and things broken. I remember my older sister picking glass out of my feet. These are very serious examples but tbh I think your children probably feel as sick and nervous as I did. I've had nightmares since I can remember and we the bed until I was about 8.
I 've also been involved in two relationships donimated by domestic abuse. It's very common for the cycle to continue with children growing up in that environment.

I understand it is difficult and we don't know your circumstances but please don't put up with the situation. Speak to your family and make plans to get away somewhere safe from him. Your children will know. They must hear what's happening and seeing you beaten and bruised will break their heart. There are shelters and support available to you. X

I haven't spoken to my dad since I was 14. I hate him. I have a civil relationship with my mum but we aren't close. My mum turned to alcohol to deal with her abuse. This resulted in her being very emotionally and sometimes psychically abusive to me and my sister. I wish I had a nice normal family and feel I was robbed of my innocence and carefree childhood x

OP, I wish I'd read this when I was with my children's father. I thought I was doing the right thing to stay with him, to give them financial security, a stable home life etc. He never beat me up, "just" the occasional slap or shove. But he was angry, domineering, loud and aggressive if challenged in even the smallest way. My children saw and heard too much, and we all tiptoed around him. As they got older and had their own opinions, life became ever more difficult, always waiting for the next explosion.

I know now that I caused my daughter untold damage by staying with him. She has serious mental health issues and struggles herself with being a parent because of what happened. My son says he learnt how not to be a parent from his father. I am eternally grateful that despite everything they still love me, but I cannot tell you how much I wish I had left him much, much sooner.

Please leave him, please don't wait as I did.

Yes. My dad was an alcoholic who frequently beat up my mum and my brother, never me. I was often in the same room when he hit my mum but don't recall seeing him hit my brother. One time I was in the back of the car while he was drunk driving her to the hospital because he'd beaten her so badly, but she said something "wrong" to him so he punched her again while driving. Even at that young age I could see how senseless that was. As I got older she used to shout on me for help if I was upstairs when it started because I was the only person he wouldn't back down for, the very night I moved out he beat her, I ran downstairs, threatened to do him in (as in beat him up) if he touched her again, he backed down and said he was going to the pub and had the nerve to ask if I wanted to go with him. My mum left him a few days later. They're back together now and to my knowledge he's never done it since.

I get on well with them both now after years of estrangement from my dad, we first spoke again when my brother committed suicide about two years after I moved out but the process to where we are now was long and rocky. My dad has turned out to be a fantastic grandfather and indeed, dad all these years later but those scars will never fully heal. I'm stopping here because I've written reams and should have paragraphed better!

My mother was an alcoholic and was awfully violent to us growing up.
I see my dad as a weak pathetic man who to this day won’t stand up to her. She no longer drinks. Things are better but he doesn’t stand up or himself when she’s bossing him around.
What kind of person does not protect their kids from all this? I just cannot fathom why someone would put their kids at risk, their own flesh and blood? And put their partner before their kids? It’s just bloody sick.

I could never ever subject my kids to what I went through as a child. Never ever.
My childhood was ruined and I have very few happy childhood memories.

Why the hell would you even feel ashamed? The only person who should be ashamed is your sick husband.

Leave and shout out the reason why to anyone who will listen. Be a strong woman and be proud. Walk out that door and never ever look back x

I really embraced the idea that a woman should never let herself or her children be dependent on a man
Me too

My father was an alcoholic wife beater, heard it lots even though most of my childhood memories are patchy where I've tried to block it out.

Hated that poor excuse for a man and was happy when he died. My DM has called him grandad to my DC whilst talking about him once or twice and I tell her to never call him that. It's not a title he would have had if he had still been alive when they were born.

I don't think less of my mum as I know she tried to escape I just feel desperately sad that she never had the marriage she deserved.

I have an amazing DH and we very rarely argue and even when we do it's never screaming and shouting because I simply couldn't bring up my DC around that. I always knew I'd meet a man the opposite of my father, my siblings didn't and they are both in shit relationships with alcohol, drugs and violence all involved.

Yes

Like you OP that’s the first time I’ve said it for real.

Talk to someone OP. Samaritans, Women's Aid, DV helpline. Get supported.

This thread is hard going

I witnessed my mum being more mentally abused than anything. I know when I was young she was physically abused by my dad too and I know I was around it, but I don't have much memory of that side. I remember a few things but I am not sure how real the memories are, if that makes sense. I still feel intense fear when I hear people arguing though.

I have bad feelings towards my father, and he was also verbally abusive to us children. He was a cruel man who came home smothered in lipstick (such a cliche) and was also a gambling addict. Sociopath.

I have nothing but love and respect for my mum. I understand why she put up with what she did for as long as she did. I understand how it happened very slowly and how her own childhood messed with her head. She feels so much guilt for it. We have talked about it openly and I know she will always feel bad for what we grew up around. Of course I wish she got out of it much sooner than she did, but I blame my dad, not her.

Of course it affected us badly. It was brutal at times. I still have the scars today.

I know how very difficult it can be to leave, but the truth is the children do suffer, and for life they carry the scars. If my mum could turn back time she would, because she has so much guilt that I don't think she will ever get over. It was great when she left when we were teens.

OP

I always wonder if this counts but I saw my parents batter each other.

I was changed profundly by my childhood and was sent to a child psychologist at the age of seven who wasn't able to work out why I was having nightmares and wetting the bed. I hate them both and would gladly cut them off but the guilt forces me to stay in contact with them. I wish I could forget their faces.

OP. The thoughts you are having as to why you cant find the words to say it out loud or how you feel you wont be able to look anyone in the eye again once they know - think of all of those things as literally the tiniest price to pay in comparison to ensuring your children never having to be put through it again.

If it helps, show your opening post to someone. Call up womens aid and read it out. Yes your world will never be the same again. But you dont want your world to remain this way.

Its heartbreaking reading how much all the posters on here have had to deal with and how much ift affects their adult life.

You dont want your children replying to a post like this too one day.

You are incredibly brave, as are all those who have replied with their experience. I wish you all the best.x

I never saw my dad hit my mother. He was (and is) psychotic but he would smash walls with his head rather than lay a finger on her. It was hard to watch but as an adult I understand he really is not a well man and had for years had a poorly treated mental illness - mainly through him not accepting the help though.

I did see my mother hitting my father though - on more than one occasion. She once went at him and he put his arms up in self defence and she got a fat lip (it’s hard to explain but he was cowering and it happened so it wasn’t on purpose). My relatives sat me down and told me I had lie to the police if asked (I was 10 at the time) and say dad viciously attacked her. I’ve never ever forgiven her for that.

I’m very low contact with both. Both a selfish arseholes and from a very young age required me to be the person who mediated between them when things got out of hand.