Domestic Violence - did you witness any towards your mother?

[CityFarmer]

Just that really, did you witness your mum (or dad) getting hurt as a child? What's your opinion of both your parents now?
It's got to the stage I can't protect my kids from seeing it. I suspect my eldest has seen more than I've thought I've protected him from, certainly heard arguments.

Despite the split lips, stitches, bruises, fear. His numerous online relationships.
I think this will be what breaks me.
I'm not in love with him, a few months ago I explained I wanted to stop all this, I'd not cry if he left or we divorced, there's no love left for him. Yet here I am, stuck.

Before anyone suggests to LTB. I, and many domestic violence sufferers now this already, but still stuck.

I'm stuck because I'm too embarassed to say the words out loud that I need help.
I think soon I'll have to tell the police, or his family or mine. As soon as I do, there's no going back, it will all end. But the words stick in my throat. I can't get them out. I can't protect myself, but I want to save my kids from this.

My priority is to shield the kids. I have no one IRL to ask this Q. did you witness your mum (or dad) getting hurt as a child? What's your opinion of both your parents now?

@Emmeline50

One of DM’s friends has been in an abusive marriage for, I shit you not, 60 years. 60 years of the apparent pillar of society abusing his wife.

And you know what? Their DC became complicit in the abuse. The husband would humiliate his wife and encourage the children to mock her. Which they did.

When the wife had a possible way out because of his ill-health, the (by then adult) children emotionally blackmailed her into staying with him and being his full-time carer. Personally, I’d have cared him to the top of a fucking great big hill in his wheelchair and left the handbreak off. Their two children are, in my opinion, deeply unpleasant people, and one of now has an abusive partner of their own to contend with. So that’s three lives ruined by one hateful beast of a man.

Don’t be like DM’s friend. Get the fuck out as soon as you can. Run, don’t walk, and don’t ever look back. You and your children deserve better.

Good luck.

I saw my mum being punched unconscious. I was in a bedroom with her when my dad put a knife through the door, I was seven at the time. It took a few years for her to leave him. Ironically when he cut contact with me I thought it was my fault. That feeling of abandonment shaped my early adult years. Staying together for the sake of the kids does more damage imo.

My dad wasn't violent but he was an emotional abuser.

His treatment of dm (and me once I was 6 & above) is what made me the person that I am today. It influences & informs pretty much every decision I make in life. I am closing in on the big 50 these days. He's been dead over 10 yrs.

I am also pretty useless at sticking up for myself and have zero self confidence when it comes to men (always have had). I learned about good marriages from friends as an adult.

It's hard to stand up for yourself. Nowhere near as difficult to stand up for/protect your child. Your dc's need you safe, healthy and alive and you deserve a life too. Please just do it

Very sad thread.
for everyone posting.

My step dad was violent and abusive.

He beat my mum when drunk. She got black eyes and split lips. There was a terrifying silence in the house which sometimes lasted weeks.

He emotionally abused me and when I begun to get lippy as i got older, I started to get the same.

I'm emotionally scarred for life. I'm 41 now.

Thank you for the flowers affectionincoldclimate. Like you I have the utmost respect for my Mum, for getting rid of him. She had no job or family support but somehow we got through. She was only 21 at the time.

I don't have any experiences with DV but my DM did.
She had a very difficult relationship with her DM and from the way she describes things as a child she blamed her DM for in her words "goading him" into it -even now. I think that she very much loved her father and he blamed my DGM and so my DM took his lead and blamed her too. I think my DGM was quietly moved to madness by her experiences too and this affected the reserves that she had to parent my DM.
My DGM tried to leave him many times but was always thwarted by family. My DM has been deeply affected for her whole life by these experiences as a child and had a breakdown when her DP died.
I realise that you are suffering and your sense of shame is huge, perhaps you could get in touch with some support services and a strangers ear might be easier to tell. None of this is your fault but you're the only person who will do anything about it.

I have read every one of the replies. Truly, thank you for sharing them with me. I will read them all again.

@justwaitingfortime

I could've written your post word for word in fact I had a similar one a couple of weeks ago (it was removed- no idea why). Anyway mine is gone now, it's still very early days and still surreal but I just wanted to say, I see where you're coming from with your OP but I'm hoping the responses are not making you feel worse in a way? Your children may not necessarily feel the same way some of the posters do (rightfully, understandably) towards their mums when they're older. thanks

It's ok, these comments aren't making ne feel any worse than i already do. Thank you tho

The hardest part is reading that the damage might already have happened.
That's a very painful realisation. So it might already be too late? Makes me tearful

Your kids will start to heal the minute it stops, OP. It’s absolutely not too late.

It’s never too late OP, it’s not too late now.

You can do this. You can break free and help you and your children to heal, together and away from fear.

I did. Well it was my stepdad.

Our childhood was a mix of violence and abuse. It took until I was 27 and also fleeing an abusive relationship before I understood what my mam went through. I held her responsibile before then.

I am the oldest out of 6. All of us have been affected by it. All in our 30s/40s now. Out of the 6 of us I would say 3 of us are in normal, happy non abusive relationships. 1 of us is happily single after a couple of shitty but not abusive relationships. 2 of my sisters live with both mental, emotional and in 1 case physical abuse.

It’s not too late OP. The best thing you can ever see as a child is watching your parents put you first regardless of how it would affect them. If you end things now or in the future they will start to heal. You can do this. Ring women’s aid and just start a conversation. Even if the first thing you say is I don’t even kno how to say what I need to say. It doesn’t matter if it takes years before you can say it out loud. As long as for years your trying.

My best friend at school did.
We didn't find out until she committed suicide.
Her DM still didn't leave. Her DS blames both his parents for his sisters death and is NC. He refuses to have a relationship as he doesn't trust himself not to turn into his DF.

It's not you that should be embarrassed. Please write a letter. Keep a diary. Hand in the letter to your DC school/gp/police. Start keeping an escape bag somewhere safe with copies of important documents, change of clothes, money, toys for the kids.

Think about what would happen to the DC if he killed you or hospitalised you.

DV can happen to anyone. But you just need to find a tiny bit more courage, just one little push. Save your DC. Save yourself. If you would do anything for your DC, do this. Keep them safe and show them that putting their safety first is worth it.

It’s never too late cityfarmer My life changed immediately the day my dad left. Suddenly I could relax and felt safe. It’s never too late for that.

This is one of the saddest threads I have read in a long time. So many lives blighted by hateful abusive parents and damaged childhoods growing up in toxic environments.
It is not too late OP. Get out and get counselling /therapy for yourself and your children. Once you get away from this lowlife knobhead you will begin to heal. You have nothing to be ashamed of. It is not your fault. The shame and the tault are his entirely. You have already taken the first step. That is a very brave thing to do. Now take the next step and tell someone in real life. Ring Women's Aid today. If you cannot find the words read your opening post out loud. You can do this Think I am doing this for little Farmer 1 little Farmer 2 and little Farmer 3 who all deserve a better life than this one.

Hi OP. What an amazing and brave lady you are. Well done for telling us here you should be so proud of yourself. Abusers wear you down so that you feel unable to reach out, the words become stuck. Remember this is his shame not yours.

Keep going, please tell someone in real life when you feel able.

"I have read every one of the replies. Truly, thank you for sharing them with me. I will read them all again."
thank you. there's saying it and there's actually saying it, IYKWIM....

It’s likely that the damage has happened already, yes BUT they will have a chance and time to heal only if you leave now. If you don’t leave or leave too late (my mother left my father when I was an adult - far too late!), you won’t give them a chance.

@CityFarmer. It isn't to late for you to leave. As PP have said, you will all begin to heal once he is gone. Get counseling for yourself and your children.

The best thing my mother ever did for me was leaving my birth father. If she had stayed with him my life would have been so different, it would have been worse. He wouldn't have stopped beating her and I would possibly have become an alcoholic, he comes from a long line of alcoholics.

I had a lot of therapy with a great psychologist a few years ago and this was one of the issues we worked on. This really helped me to deal with my anxiety disorder, with these memories and the impact they have had.

Big hugs OP and you can do this, for you and for your children. As a PP said, you made the first step by posting here.

I did. My dad used to slap my mum and throw her into things. The first time I was 13. My dad was drunk beyond belief and I tried to stop him by standing in front of her and he threatened to hurt me if I didn't move away.

The second time it happened, that same year, my elder brother luckily happened to be home that night and unfortunately for my dad, my brother was stronger than he was. It never happened again.

Mum always used to taunt and answer back which made it so so much worse and we finally discovered that dads body didn't agree with a certain spirit. This is absolutely no excuse but he stopped drinking immediately.

We all forgave dad and years passed with no incident. Mum suddenly got ill and passed away 8 years later and it was then that my dad truly felt the inner torment of what he did all those years ago.

Mum always used to taunt and answer back which made it so so much worse

I do this. Because I can't compete with him physically. I feel like It's the one bit of fight/resistance I have left.
I am ashamed that my son has asked why I speak in a certain tone. But I feel like it's the one remaining resemblance to a 'strong woman' I have remaining. The one thing to remind me I havent lost my spirit completely.

To those children, now adults who replied...I hope you might forgive us mothers who lacked the courage to do anything sooner. Xx