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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friends without kids

314 replies

Musicforthemasses18 · 12/09/2018 14:48

Best friend of 20 years doesn’t have kids. We have been trying to meet up for ages- I have offered 2 possible dates where I was going to travel to her & take a day off work.

But she’s pissed off that I can’t stay & that I have to get back to pick the kids up from school. I’d have 5 hours & am travelling to get to get to her. She’s now said she can’t do the dates I have offered & is being difficult.

Aibu to think it’s so fucking hard sometimes trying to explain to people without kids what it’s like to work full time plus raise 2 kids- sort out childcare, manage their clubs & weekend stuff etc.

I feel like taking a days annual leave & offering to travel is making an effort but she’s making it SO hard for me- like I should feel guilty.

OP posts:

Gemi33 · 14/09/2018 08:55

Some really good points here and as someone who has definitely felt belittled and viewed with contempt and made to feel that I don't count because I have children I can identify with lots that has been said here. I would say that I think maybe the title of this thread was wrong - it shouldn't matter whether the people involved have kids or not, that is not the issue. Everyone has there own lives and if you're arranging to meet friends you both need to flexible and understanding of the other persons commitments. I think focusing on the fact that one of the people involved doesn't have kids as if that explains everything is perhaps why the thread has become a little derailed!

Gemi33 · 14/09/2018 08:56

That should have said 'because I don't have children' - sorry!!

IcedPurple · 14/09/2018 09:40

all parents used to be childfree so are in a position to compare the two states.

Again, you only know what the 'state' was like for YOU. Humanity isn't divided into two 'states' - childfree and parents. There are a zillion other factors which contribute to one's lifestyle. Having kids is a very important one, sure, but it's not the only one.

I could not have foreseen for one moment the entirely new plain of busyness that having children is on...

I never understand it when people say this. Everyone has friends or relatives who are parents. Everyone was a kid themselves. Everyone sees parents around them all the time. I don't have children but I know perfectly well that they are a massive, constant pull on one's time, energy and resources. That's why I chose not to have them.

Anyway, again to repeat, 'busyness' isn't an achievement or a badge of honour.

IcedPurple · 14/09/2018 09:42

But why is it relevant? Its not a competition. My time is as important to me as your time is as important to you.

Exactly this.

BloodyDisgrace · 14/09/2018 09:55

Good friends, with or without kids, are accommodating and understanding. Sounds like this friend is not. I'm childfree and have friends with kids only in my country of birth (all friends here are without children) and I know how hard it can be for them to meet me even though they want to see me, and never resent them. It has never been an issue, equally they don't care that I'm not that well-organised and don't give them a long notice.

Gemi33 · 14/09/2018 09:57

Perfectly said IcedPurple - the state of being childfree is different for everyone, my friends who have children had very different lives before to the one I have now so it's simply not true just to say they have experienced both.

SwanConvoy · 14/09/2018 10:01

In my experience the people (with or without kids) who continuously complain about how busy and exhausted they are - are really not that busy. Or if they are, it is because they make a rod for their own back. They are experts in making life difficult for themselves.

Most people just get on with it.

IcedPurple · 14/09/2018 10:11

Agree, swan.

A friend of mine (childfree but I don't think that matters much) is always going on about how she's so much more 'busy' than me "Oh, I've got my pilates, my walking club, my spinning class....." Fine, but every single one of those activities is a free choice on your part. If I prefer to spend my time reading or watching box-sets, it doesn't make me any less 'busy' ..... not that I think it's a competition or achievement anyway.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 14/09/2018 10:11

In my experience the people (with or without kids) who continuously complain about how busy and exhausted they are - are really not that busy

Yes, exactly this. It's an epidemic of busyness and is annoying whatever your reproductive status. I am busy at times. Other times I'm not. That's the case for everyone whether they admit it or not. It's just a way of declaring to society how important they are. Whilst in fact most people think that if they stopped whinging on social media about how busy they were and got on with what they had to do, they wouldn't be so "busy".

IcedPurple · 14/09/2018 10:14

my friends who have children had very different lives before to the one I have now so it's simply not true just to say they have experienced both.

Same here, Gemi. Most - not all - of my friends who are mothers always had a different lifestyle to me, as though their adult life was always headed i the direction of bcoming parents one day. I've known for a long time that I don't want kids and lived my life accordingly - nothing wild or exciting, but less geared towards long-term commitments and 'settling down'.

I know this isn't true for everyone - like I said, the childfree and parents aren't two tribes - but those paretns who say 'OH we know what it's like to be childfree because we were once too" only know the 'experience' for themselves, not for anyone else.

IcedPurple · 14/09/2018 10:18

I am busy at times. Other times I'm not. That's the case for everyone whether they admit it or not. It's just a way of declaring to society how important they are.

Precisely. What they're really saying is that my time, and therefore my life, is more important and valuable than yours.

Like you I have periods when I'm busy, periods when I'm not. I work freelance so can have periods when I'm constantly on the go, and then I can have weeks at a time when I have very little going on. Ad I love being able to read, post on MN and elsewhere, watch box-sets, experiment with cooking etc. I'm baffled at how 'busyness' is somehow something to be proud of.

SwanConvoy · 14/09/2018 10:24

Ad I love being able to read, post on MN and elsewhere, watch box-sets, experiment with cooking etc. I'm baffled at how 'busyness' is somehow something to be proud of.

Completely agree with this, I consider an afternoon in the sun on my balcony reading a book is time very well spent indeed. For my peace of mind and my general wellbeing.

RockinHippy · 14/09/2018 13:25

YANBU when you are traveling so far & have 5 hours with her anyway, she's nit picking to be awkward & it smacks of "prove I'm more important than your DCs or else your not a good friend" Unfortunately this can be par for the course with some child free friends once you have kids, we gave up on several.

I even had one let me know about arrangements for a mutual friends 50th birthday in another city, the night before the party, when it turned out they'd known for weeks & id asked if anything was happening too. When I complained that we need more notice, given that we have kids & need time to arrange childcare, so that we could come & got "nah, we don't do that, last minute is just how we roll" your nearly 50 you fucking childish bitch

Some friendships just don't survive kids I'm afraid, but in my experience, it tends to be the needy, attention demanding ones that show their ugly side at this time & you'll realise that it's dead wood that is best cut off in time

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 14/09/2018 14:03

I agree that it's not so much whether or not someone has kids but whether or not someone's willing to understand the constraints in other people's lives. Some people have dogs they can't leave, or elderly relations that need care or work long hours etc. Good friends would be willing to work around these things and find a time that works for everyone.

I did have one friend though who had literally 0 experience with kids and would always insist I was being ridiculous when I explained I couldn't do certain things because of the kids. One I remember was a time I had no babysitter and she wanted me to come with a toddler and 5 year old to an art gallery opening and drinks reception that didn't start until 8pm. She said the kids could sleep in the buggy (both of them apparently!) and I was being too over protective!

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