Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends without kids

314 replies

Musicforthemasses18 · 12/09/2018 14:48

Best friend of 20 years doesn’t have kids. We have been trying to meet up for ages- I have offered 2 possible dates where I was going to travel to her & take a day off work.

But she’s pissed off that I can’t stay & that I have to get back to pick the kids up from school. I’d have 5 hours & am travelling to get to get to her. She’s now said she can’t do the dates I have offered & is being difficult.

Aibu to think it’s so fucking hard sometimes trying to explain to people without kids what it’s like to work full time plus raise 2 kids- sort out childcare, manage their clubs & weekend stuff etc.

I feel like taking a days annual leave & offering to travel is making an effort but she’s making it SO hard for me- like I should feel guilty.

OP posts:
MrMeSeeks · 12/09/2018 19:16

think they are forgetting they are on MUMSnet. You know, the website that is by PARENTS for PARENTS.

Clearly you’re forgetting mumsnet is not just for parents

Celestia26 · 12/09/2018 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleDaisies · 12/09/2018 19:23

If you don't have children it's very hard make statements about life with them, it's impossible to know what it's like.

Right, because none of us have friends with children, have worked with children, spent our lives around children and parents and listen to our friends when they talk to us about it.

We’re all clueless aren’t we? Hmm

abacucat · 12/09/2018 19:23

Agree it is not about busyness, but about being able to be flexible.

WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave · 12/09/2018 19:24

I think if any of my friends was sulky and messing me around because i couldnt spend the night when i was driving 5 hours and taking a day off to see them, they could fuck right off.

Having kids, not having them, doesn't make a difference if you have good friends. Your friend sounds selfish. I wouldnt put myself out for anyone like that.

RoboticSealpup · 12/09/2018 19:25

No that's only true in some cases, not all.

I'm not going to argue with someone who lacks logical reasoning skills.

BoneyBackJefferson · 12/09/2018 19:28

Ohyesiam

That’s true, but people without kids can often be more flexible

People without kids are often forced to be more flexible.

Celestia26 · 12/09/2018 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Littlecaf · 12/09/2018 19:29

OP YANBU. You’re making a big effort. She isn’t. (Unless she is taking time off too and is only getting a bit of your day....from her point of view.

Not quite sure what the rest of you are on about. Hmm

PurpleDaisies · 12/09/2018 19:31

Sorry no, I'm honestly not trying to be an arsehole, but its not the same.

I did not say it was the same. I said it was possible to understand what it’s like.

You seem to think you know exactly how it is to be childless.

Celestia26 · 12/09/2018 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrMeSeeks · 12/09/2018 19:34

You seem to think you know exactly how it is to be childless.

Yes, and that we childless folk simply spend our time having fun and working Hmm
My friends with kids have more fun that me. I spend my time wishing it was time for bed!

ShadyLady53 · 12/09/2018 19:34

How is being a full time carer 24/7 to a 90 year old who has had several strokes and dementia and who cannot feed, change or move around by herself, who is mentally confused, incontinent, wakes frequently in the night and is unable to be left for even half an hour while you go for a shower any different from being the parent of a baby?

How about doing that day in day out for almost all of your twenties whilst also caring for two mentally ill family members, working as a teacher in a specialist school and helping run the family business in your spare time? Oh yes and constantly being relied on as a babysitter because you are an Auntie?

Please don’t have the audacity to tell me I can’t comprehend how busy parents are! I most certainly do!

PurpleDaisies · 12/09/2018 19:34

PurpleDaisies I know exactly what it is like to be childless. I was childless for 28 years

You know how it was for YOU to be childless.

MrMeSeeks · 12/09/2018 19:34

*PurpleDaisies I know exactly what it is like to be childless. I was childless for 28 years.

Then I had children.*

My god.
No, you know what it was like for YOU to be childless.

Celestia26 · 12/09/2018 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrMeSeeks · 12/09/2018 19:36

Yes, me and all the other people must have got it wrong Hmm

SerenDippitty · 12/09/2018 19:36

*PurpleDaisies I know exactly what it is like to be childless. I was childless for 28 years.

Then I had children.*

You know what life before you had children was like. Not at all the same as knowing what it is like to be childless.

IcedPurple · 12/09/2018 19:38

The same as I couldn't compare my life to someone else who cares for a sick parent, or is a doctor who works 18 hour shifts. It's something I can't comprehend as I haven't experienced it......

So unless you have direct personal experience of something you can't 'comprehend' it? Sounds like an extremely limiting way to live.

I can comprehend what it's like to have children because lots of my friends have had them and their lives have totally changed. And while I'm sure they're happy, I am very very glad I made different choices.

And btw you only know about your life before you had children. You don't know about anyone else's. After all, as you've just said, unless you've experienced something, you can't 'comprehend' it.

Celestia26 · 12/09/2018 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bluemoonchances · 12/09/2018 19:41

Wow! Just Wow!

OP. You may have been friends for 20 years but you are clearly no longer best friends. She may have moved on more than you (I'm assuming because you're the one trying to arrange the meet up) , but for whatever reason she's clearly not that arsed about meeting up with you. This may or may not be partly due to the fact that your lives have moved on in different directions. Shit happens. To paraphrase Miranda from Sex and the City ... She's just not that into you.

Have have several friends who I consider my Best Friends. They all have children. I don't. One of them lives miles away. She's supported me through 6 miscarriages. I've supported her through an abortion and 2 children. I visit her more than she visits me Because I get that she has school pick up drop offs etc. We spend time doing things that I find mind numbingly boring, such as going to soft play with her youngest, because that's what we have to do now to catch up... but that's fine because that's just how it is now. Occasionally she'll get a night away and come out dancing, which we both appreciate is s treat now days.

My point is , regardless of having children or not having children, we have both equally worked on maintaining our friendship because we both equally want to.

I used to have another friend who I've been best friends with since school. She has 3 kids so is busy with that, I'm busy with my life, we've drifted and now neither make enough effort. As I said shit happens. It wasn't important enough to either of us to maintain the friendship.

And for the record... while we're chucking insults around ... if parents had more in the bank than their children to talk about... us childless one's might be inclined to make more effort to maintain the friendship! WinkGrin

WelcomeToShootingStars · 12/09/2018 19:42

I think a fair amount of people have enough intelligence to be able to comprehend situations of which they have no direct experience.

Some can also comprehend the fact that their direct experience of something will differ wildly from the next person.

ShadyLady53 · 12/09/2018 19:44

You are making massive generalisations about everyone who is childless based on your own experience of life and your inability to comprehend what it might be like to live differently. That’s the problem!

IcedPurple · 12/09/2018 19:44

OK, well I'm giving my opinion based on MY experiences and MY life. Isn't that all anyone can do?

Actually, no. I've never been to Antartica but I'd bet the house that it's a bit nippy there.

Celestia26 · 12/09/2018 19:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.