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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends without kids

314 replies

Musicforthemasses18 · 12/09/2018 14:48

Best friend of 20 years doesn’t have kids. We have been trying to meet up for ages- I have offered 2 possible dates where I was going to travel to her & take a day off work.

But she’s pissed off that I can’t stay & that I have to get back to pick the kids up from school. I’d have 5 hours & am travelling to get to get to her. She’s now said she can’t do the dates I have offered & is being difficult.

Aibu to think it’s so fucking hard sometimes trying to explain to people without kids what it’s like to work full time plus raise 2 kids- sort out childcare, manage their clubs & weekend stuff etc.

I feel like taking a days annual leave & offering to travel is making an effort but she’s making it SO hard for me- like I should feel guilty.

OP posts:
underneaththeash · 12/09/2018 15:13

When does she want you to meet her OP?

TheRealKimmySchmidt63 · 12/09/2018 15:13

Spot on Hideandgo

apostropheuse · 12/09/2018 15:15

OP YANBU. You were making a big effort to travel and meet up with her, for a significant period of time, and she doesn't seem to realise that it's difficult for you to spend an overnight with her.

She's being immature and ridiculous.

powerwalk · 12/09/2018 15:18

YOU have offered to take a day off and travel to her, she is being completely and utterly selfish and U.

She is point scoring and expecting to be far higher up on the pecking order than she deserves. She has no right to make you feel guilty.

I would distance myself from her tbh, who needs the stress? Her lack of empathy for the demands in your life, the total absence of understanding would be a deal breaker. I am sure you would much prefer to avoid the hassle and stay at home and chill with your family. I would suggest you do that. She is more trouble than she is worth.

Girliefriendlikesflowers · 12/09/2018 15:20

Your friend doesn't sound very understanding op I had a child before my friends but they all understood that my dd came first.

jackio2205 · 12/09/2018 15:20

I totally get what you're saying hun, totally. Regardless of levels of being busy or whatever you want to call it, or regardless whether she understands life with kids, she's being difficult, bottom line. I wouldn't go down the line of trying to explain your difficulties, you could come across as patronising when you wouldn't mean to, so just ease off her for a while.
Doesn't mean you don't have to be friends anymore, but sometimes it does mean your relationship has to change shape, if she doesn't want to do that/isn't ready to do that, back off from her for a bit, see other friends, she'll realise another time what a great friend you are and it'll work itself out I'm sure!
X

imamouseduh · 12/09/2018 15:20

Maybe she's sick of having to be the flexible one. I am the only one left of my friends to not have children, and I never will. I am equally as busy as they are, but every single one of them expects me to be flexible because logistically it is harder for them to arrange their free time. I don't mind 95% of the time; I know that this stage in their lives will pass and if I want them in my life this is what it will take for the time being. But sometimes I can't be fucked constantly being the one who travels further, caters to their requirements and re-arranges when their childcare falls through for the millionth time. You think she's being difficult, but maybe every other friend she has makes the same demands on her and takes her so-called flexibility for granted. Maybe you aren't giving back to the friendship in other ways. Maybe she's telling you that when she weighs it all up your friendship isn't worth it to her anymore. Such is life.

thedevilinablackdress · 12/09/2018 15:20

Yanbu about this particular friend and situation.
However, not all of us without kids are the same! I totally appreciate that it's much harder for my parent-friends to make arrangements so will be as flexible as possible.

TheOrigRightsofwomen · 12/09/2018 15:21

I tend to come across this attitude more with people who have already raised their children rather than my peers (childfree or otherwise).

You so quickly forget how tricky it can be.

I would have preferred your post just to be an AIBU about your friend rather than people w/o kids in general.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/09/2018 15:23

She probably doesn’t have kids because she’s a child herself. What does she propose you do with your children, hang them on a coat hanger?

She doesn’t want to hear about your life. Send her a text and suggest she comes to you at her convenience.

powerwalk · 12/09/2018 15:25

imamouseduh

You have at least the option of being flexible, most mothers do not. They are not trying to be difficult. It is genuinely very difficult juggling children and young babies. I am sure most of your friends would love to be able to be as flexible as you and not have to cancel because one of the little ones are ill or the babysitter didn't show up. I get that you are fed up with fitting in, if you feel that way don't fit in and arrange everything around your needs and see who is left.

Ohluckyme · 12/09/2018 15:26

Gosh, reading this thread, people with kids really look down their noses at those without!

Ohluckyme · 12/09/2018 15:27

She probably doesn’t have kids because she’s a child herself

What an uttterly vile thing to say.

Rosieandtwinkle · 12/09/2018 15:27

I don’t think it’s a case of who is busier, when children come into the picture childcare is a big issue. We always had dogs pre-children which impacted our flexibility, but that was pretty manageable as they could be left for a few hours or a neighbour could pop in and walk/let them out. Now even with one DD and a DH who works away in the week I find my ability to nip out and see even local friends for a quick drink/supper nigh on impossible. I’m not prepared to leave DD with just anyone either, something I’ll happily admit I didn’t necessarily appreciate with my ‘parent’ friends when we were childless.

butterflysugarbaby · 12/09/2018 15:28

YANBU. She sounds like a selfish twit.

I would bin her off tbh.

RLOU30 · 12/09/2018 15:29

imamouseduh

Do you honestly believe you are equally as busy And restricted as a parent ? I guess you can’t compare considering that you don’t know the true feeling of being responsible 100% for another human being so I will leave it there.

TheGoddessFrigg · 12/09/2018 15:29

Wow. Perhaps she misses you. Perhaps she would like to spend some time with you at a leisurely pace - without you having to rush back.

Do you have a partner -or relative you could leave the children with ?

RLOU30 · 12/09/2018 15:30

Gosh, reading this thread, people with kids really look down their noses at those without

How?

To be completely honest with you I’m a new mum and if anything a bit envious at the moment.

IcedPurple · 12/09/2018 15:32

I don't have kids but many of my friends do.

Honestly, I think that parents and the child-free just have such different lives and different priorities that it's very very difficult to maintain an active friendship when the kids are little. Parents simply don't have the time - or rarely have the time - to arrange unencumbered meet-ups, and the childfree find kiddie stuff boring and annoying.

So I've more or less accepted that I won't be seeing much of these friends for the next few years at least. It's not that I don't like them or enjoy their company, it's just that we're in very different places now. Nobody's at fault. That's just how it is.

Rosered1235 · 12/09/2018 15:34

Everyone’s circumstances are different but in general yes childfree people are going to have more flexibility with their free time than full time working parents of young children. Before kids my days off were mine to do with as I liked. Now... there are no days off really because as a parent of young children you are constantly needed for something.

Op, stop making an effort for your friend. She doesn’t appreciate it. Save your annual leave for your kids or just a few hours to yourself.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/09/2018 15:38

What an utterly vile thing to say
Ops friend is making op feel because she has to look after her children. That’s actually vile.

TheOrigRightsofwomen · 12/09/2018 15:39

IcedPurple Your post makes me a bit sad.

Of course things change, but I had and still have lots of friends who don't have children and I'd like to think we were both open to changing the dynamic of the friendship e.g. meeting with the child coming along, takeaway at my house, long-term planning for the big events, accepting that my friend would have evenings out with other people when I just couldn't go (and not be offended!).

IcedPurple · 12/09/2018 15:51

If you can make it work, TheOrigRightsofwomen, that's great. However, I've found over the years that the priorities and lifestyles of parents are just so very different compared to those of the childfree, and this makes spending time in one another's company very difficult.

Also, notice that in every one of the examples you mentioned, it's the childfree person having to adjust to the parent's lifestyle, not the other way round. This is fine to an extent, but it's hard to maintain a relationship this way long-term.

TheOrigRightsofwomen · 12/09/2018 15:53

I guess my friends thought I was worth it, but I do completely understand what you're saying.

Angelil · 12/09/2018 15:54

Can you meet halfway?
Can anyone else pick the kids up from school?
Just trying to work out ways you both could spend more time together without you doing all of the travelling.