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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends without kids

314 replies

Musicforthemasses18 · 12/09/2018 14:48

Best friend of 20 years doesn’t have kids. We have been trying to meet up for ages- I have offered 2 possible dates where I was going to travel to her & take a day off work.

But she’s pissed off that I can’t stay & that I have to get back to pick the kids up from school. I’d have 5 hours & am travelling to get to get to her. She’s now said she can’t do the dates I have offered & is being difficult.

Aibu to think it’s so fucking hard sometimes trying to explain to people without kids what it’s like to work full time plus raise 2 kids- sort out childcare, manage their clubs & weekend stuff etc.

I feel like taking a days annual leave & offering to travel is making an effort but she’s making it SO hard for me- like I should feel guilty.

OP posts:
faeriequeen · 12/09/2018 14:49

People without kids are busy too. It's all about priorities.

Original poster
Musicforthemasses18 · 12/09/2018 14:51

I know @faerie and I don’t mean that I am busier than her. It’s more that she doesn’t get that its harder for me to be flexible with stuff

OP posts:
Havaina · 12/09/2018 14:52

So you're travelling to her and she's moaning that you're not staying the night?

She sounds selfish. You're right, you're the one making the effort.

Stop running after her. Ignore her now. If she texts you about meeting up, give her a couple of dates but tell her she has to come to you.

Aspenfrost · 12/09/2018 14:52

OP:

Is that because you imagine childfree people find life sooooooo free and easy?

Hmm
Havaina · 12/09/2018 14:53

People without kids are busy too. It's all about priorities.

Clearly OP is way down on this woman's list of priorities if she can't even appreciate OP travelling to her.

Aspenfrost · 12/09/2018 14:54

Your choice to have children and the ties that bind. Her choice not to fall in with YOU.
Childfree parents have busy lives too. Amazing, isn’t it?

faeriequeen · 12/09/2018 14:54

Is it necessarily harder for you though? Before I became a mum I was just as busy as I am now - maybe more because I worked much longer hours and had less flexibility in my role.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 12/09/2018 14:54

She doesn't sound very understanding or flexible OP.

Original poster
Musicforthemasses18 · 12/09/2018 14:55

@aspen no, that’s not what I said. I’m saying that I am trying my best and it’s still not enough

OP posts:
Aspenfrost · 12/09/2018 14:55

How do you know she knows how much “harder” it is for you to sort out your busy busy busy timetable?

Havaina · 12/09/2018 14:55

I don't know why OP is being painted as the bad guy here.

She has offered to TAKE A DAY OFF WORK and DO ALL THE TRAVELLING to get to her friend. That is a NICE THING TO DO.

Her friend is an unappreciative spoilt madam demanding more of OP's time.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 12/09/2018 14:56

Oh come on yes people with no dc are busy for all manner of reasons but it's doubly harder when you've got dc and you live 5 hours away. Why are some of you being so obtuse?

Snoopychildminder · 12/09/2018 14:58

She just has different priorities.
It can be frustrating, I am the only mom in my group of friends and I missed out on a few evenings out last month because my husband was away and my babysitter let me down. They told me to just find someone else but it’s not that easy!
Why don’t you just put the ball in her court, leave it to her to tell you when she is free.

ArialAnna · 12/09/2018 14:59

Whether you or her have kids or not is actually irrelevant here. (and you mentioning it is naturally going to annoy childless posters)

You've offered to come and see her for the day, but she is saying a day isn't good enough and you should stay over. Unless there is a massive back story here (like for example the last 5 times you've met, she has visited you and stayed over) then it's her that's being unreasonable here.

AllDayBreakfast · 12/09/2018 15:00

I think the negative reaction is because the OP generalised about 'people with kids' when she was really talking about one individual she knows (who sounds very selfish).

Thurlow · 12/09/2018 15:01

I know that you mean. I have almost exactly the same with one of my oldest friends. I work, have two young children and a DP who does inflexible shift work. Being able to travel several hours to hers and stay overnight requires getting a lot of ducks in row with work and childcare and doesn't happen as often as I like. Somehow, despite the fact that her DH used to do the same job as my DP does so she knows that there's absolutely no flexibility for him, she always gets wound up.

I'd love to see her more but like anyone with any caring responsibilities it's not always that easy to drop things and go.

greendale17 · 12/09/2018 15:01

She is being completely unreasonable. You are right- she doesn’t appreciate how difficult it is to juggle everything around.

Tell her to piss off

RLOU30 · 12/09/2018 15:02

I was busy before I had my son but now I am easily three times as busy. It’s not rocket science, having a child equals less free time. Why are people putting words in the OPs mouth? She didn’t suggest people without children weren’t busy.
OP, YANBU

Ohluckyme · 12/09/2018 15:03

Maybe she’s struggling to have children and is trying to find excuses not to meet up with you? It can be very painful to be around friends with children.

Perhaps take a step back and see what she does x

Rebecca36 · 12/09/2018 15:04

She just doesn't understand and is probably busy too. Leave it for now and make arrangements for another time. Not worth falling out over, in a few years your kids will be more manageable and you will enjoy having a childless friend.

AllDayBreakfast · 12/09/2018 15:04

Meant to say "People without kids"...

jay55 · 12/09/2018 15:09

More like by the time you get there it’s mid morning, then have to leave early afternoon for the school run it doesn’t seem like you’ll have much time together. Certainly not worth taking a day off for.

If she travelled to you, you’d have more but neither of you seem to be suggesting it.

abacucat · 12/09/2018 15:09

Yes she sounds inflexible.
But YABU to think everyone without kids is able to be flexible. I used to work very long hours and getting days off outside of school holidays was very difficult and often turned down. I was very inflexible, but needed the money.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 12/09/2018 15:11

If you've offered to take a day off and travel to her I think that's more than most people would do.

Could you offer that she comes to yours and stays the night and have a takeaway and drinks once kids are in bed

Hideandgo · 12/09/2018 15:12

I was the first of my close friends to have kids. They all do now too and without exception they have said sorry for not realising how my hands were tied behind my back for get togethers and events. I never told them I was too busy or how hard it was to organise my life to get to things but it was. They used to think they were busy but there’s busy with your own life and there’s busy with your own life and the lives of dependents in addition. You lose flexibility when someone else is 100% dependent on you, be it a child or a sick parent you become a carer for. Of course people without children can be exceptionally busy but it is a different thing to being tied to other humans as a parent or full time, 24/7 carer.

Your friend doesn’t seem that bothered to make it work or understanding of the effort you are making to see her.