Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends without kids

314 replies

Musicforthemasses18 · 12/09/2018 14:48

Best friend of 20 years doesn’t have kids. We have been trying to meet up for ages- I have offered 2 possible dates where I was going to travel to her & take a day off work.

But she’s pissed off that I can’t stay & that I have to get back to pick the kids up from school. I’d have 5 hours & am travelling to get to get to her. She’s now said she can’t do the dates I have offered & is being difficult.

Aibu to think it’s so fucking hard sometimes trying to explain to people without kids what it’s like to work full time plus raise 2 kids- sort out childcare, manage their clubs & weekend stuff etc.

I feel like taking a days annual leave & offering to travel is making an effort but she’s making it SO hard for me- like I should feel guilty.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 12/09/2018 17:33

BumDisease
To add to my post. I have ME. My brain isn’t as sharp as someone’s, who doesn’t have my disability. You have been really nasty to me when I explained that I didn’t mean my post the way it sounded. I have no reason to lie. You can search my name if you wish. You will see that I am a very caring and reasonable poster.

powerwalk · 12/09/2018 17:34

Power you seen to think all mothers by virtue of having given birth feel exactly the same when they’re away from their children. Utter bollocks.

Yes I think most mothers do still think of their kids when they are away (probably more so when they are away) so what? They don't just leave and forget they have babies at home! Hmm

continuallychargingmyphone · 12/09/2018 17:34

It just depends.

If you’re childless everyone assumes you are clubbing and jetting off to exotic parts every weekend. That’s really frustrating.

OTOH, having a baby - especially if you are the first amongst your friendship group to do so - can be very isolating.

BumDisease · 12/09/2018 17:35

"To add to my post. I have ME. My brain isn’t as sharp as someone’s, who doesn’t have my disability. You have been really nasty to me when I explained that I didn’t mean my post the way it sounded. I have no reason to lie. You can search my name if you wish. You will see that I am a very caring and reasonable poster."

🙄

powerwalk · 12/09/2018 17:36

bumdisease I have reported you, you are seriously out of order.

DancingForTheDog · 12/09/2018 17:37

People without children don't know the meaning of the word 'busy' (runs for cover). Those of us with children were child free once, so we do know what life without children is like. We had children in our early 30's and have said to each other many times over the years "What did we used to do with our time?" (and our money) We both had 'busy lives' and were building a business which was stressful, but honestly once the children came along we really felt the difference as I'm sure all parents do. Ours are grown now and we are back to a life where our time is our own again, and yes we're busy, have lots of demands on our time etc. etc. but we're not young family busy!

PurpleDaisies · 12/09/2018 17:38

This whole thread has become awful for one reason. Friends without kids tend to resent the time children tend to take up, the lack of weekends now available and have a tendency to be quietly pissed off that their social life has been compromised and that their friend prioritises something far and above them, and always will

Totally wrong. You are patronising those of us without children who are kind and understanding to our friends with kids. Some entitled mummies expect everyone to compromise around them when there are valid reasons why others might not be able to make particular arrangements. That doesn’t sound like the op, her friend sounds very difficult but posters like you have used this thread to make sweeping generalisations about childless/childfree women. It’s out of order.

Mookatron · 12/09/2018 17:38

I think it's partly because people tend to double think about children, like they're both easily palm-offable and an extension of you at the same time. So in this fantasy world you're being difficult because it's really easy to get other people to look after your children, plus the child(ren) is not seen as another human being(s) with rights equal to both its parent and the friend. The truth is of course that it isn't easy and it's not just a commitment but another person with feelings in addition to the original friend + friend equation.

I used to feel the irritation myself before I had kids. I don't think I'm superior now, I just have a broader knowledge (on this subject, not necessarily on others).

Happypuppy · 12/09/2018 17:38

I don’t think Bumdisease has been out of order, she was responding to a shitty comment that had been made.

PurpleDaisies · 12/09/2018 17:38

People without children don't know the meaning of the word 'busy' (runs for cover).

You should run for cover. What a disgusting comment judging other people’s lives.

continuallychargingmyphone · 12/09/2018 17:39

No dancing

You knew what your life was like without children.

I was far less busy when my children were small.

ilovesooty · 12/09/2018 17:39

runs for cover

I should think so after a patronising statement like that.

Florenceblondie · 12/09/2018 17:40

Pffft but I think people with kids are busier or is that just me.
People who are childless have more freedom, get to focus on themselves and don't have little people to run round after.

People with kids have to put everything on the back burner until the kids are sorted. I don't think the op has said anything untrue there.
A parent who works full time and has two children has a right handful. Ops friend should appreciate how many balls the op has to juggle to visit...even for a short while.
Sounds like the friend is selfish and absorbed in herself.

Celestia26 · 12/09/2018 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovesooty · 12/09/2018 17:41

@PurpleDaisies well said.

PurpleDaisies · 12/09/2018 17:41

If you don't have children, you just don't get it. Jobs can be changed, hobbies can be changed.

That’s all that’s in the lives of people without children? Jobs and hobbies? Hmm

Havaina · 12/09/2018 17:43

BumDisease please leave Mummyoflittledragon alone. She is an empathetic and kind poster and doesn't deserve you picking on her.

Celestia26 · 12/09/2018 17:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Haireverywhere · 12/09/2018 17:44

It's not really to do with her not having kids is it? People can be busy with all sorts of lives.

I think you have made a nice offer but she's disappointed you can't stay and not very understanding of that.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/09/2018 17:44

powerwalk
Thank you.

PurpleDaisies · 12/09/2018 17:44

OK sorry, what else?

That’s not seriously a genuine question?

ilovesooty · 12/09/2018 17:45

I don't see @Bumdisease is picking on anybody.

powerwalk · 12/09/2018 17:45

Totally wrong. You are patronising those of us without children who are kind and understanding to our friends with kids. Some entitled mummies expect everyone to compromise around them when there are valid reasons why others might not be able to make particular arrangements. That doesn’t sound like the op, her friend sounds very difficult but posters like you have used this thread to make sweeping generalisations about childless/childfree women. It’s out of order

I haven't always had children, so I know what it is like to be on the other side and I made every allowance possible to be a good friend (she had a baby) and this went on for years. It wasn't a serious hardship for me, and she appreciated the effort.

I haven't made a single generalisation beyond stating the obvious. I am not out of order to have a view, thank you.

Good friends adapt to each other's lives, whether that is children, stressful MH issues, sick parents or anything else. Good friends see when the other one struggles and vice versa. It isn't rocket science and everyone could manage that if they wanted to. I don't know what the fuss is about!

Huskylover1 · 12/09/2018 17:45

Haven't RTFT yet (but will), but the first thought that sprung to mind, was that you are squeezing her in to a tiny window, and it's just not worth it. You'll be clock watching all day, so that you aren't late to collect the kids (ergo you won't relax), you can't have a glass of wine (or ten). Surely you could find ONE evening, where you could stay over, thus allowing for a full night out, with wine, gossip and no clock watching? I'd be the same as your friend, I'd just rather wait until you could actually make it worth it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/09/2018 17:45

Havaina
Thank you as well