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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends without kids

314 replies

Musicforthemasses18 · 12/09/2018 14:48

Best friend of 20 years doesn’t have kids. We have been trying to meet up for ages- I have offered 2 possible dates where I was going to travel to her & take a day off work.

But she’s pissed off that I can’t stay & that I have to get back to pick the kids up from school. I’d have 5 hours & am travelling to get to get to her. She’s now said she can’t do the dates I have offered & is being difficult.

Aibu to think it’s so fucking hard sometimes trying to explain to people without kids what it’s like to work full time plus raise 2 kids- sort out childcare, manage their clubs & weekend stuff etc.

I feel like taking a days annual leave & offering to travel is making an effort but she’s making it SO hard for me- like I should feel guilty.

OP posts:
Angelil · 12/09/2018 15:56

@Mummyoflittledragon You have no idea why anyone does or doesn't have kids; it can be for a really tragic reason, like my cousin who had an early menopause in her 20s, or like my friend whose first child was stillborn. You have no right to make such a comment no matter what else you think of the OP's friend.

Ohyesiam · 12/09/2018 15:56

People without kids are busy too. It's all about priorities

That’s true, but people without kids can often be more flexible

Dobbythesockelf · 12/09/2018 16:04

The kids thing is actually irrelevant in many ways. Switch kids to demanding job, sick parent etc. OP has x amount of free time, she has rearranged her time to travel to see friend but this isn't good enough for her friend. Kids or no kids her friend is being shitty. I just woulnt bother op either she will accept seeing you for the free time you have available or she won't.

codswallopandbalderdash · 12/09/2018 16:05

I would offer alternative meeting arrangements e.g. halfway or at yours, so that you get more time together before you have to pick up your kids.

To be honest I don't see much of some of my friends who don't have children. They are busy, I am busy and our free times never match. I can't afford to pay for babysitters at the moment and all my annual leave is taken covering school hols. It's just the way it is.

Original poster
Musicforthemasses18 · 12/09/2018 16:06

Honestly I am not trying to say that I am busier than my friend- but she does have a lot more flexibility. She is self employed so has more scope to decide her work. I just feel like she is trying to make a point and I am upset by it.

OP posts:
codswallopandbalderdash · 12/09/2018 16:10

I would be upset too OP and actually I would forget about meeting at the moment, give your friendship some space and see what happens, if she gets in touch later on

Celestia26 · 12/09/2018 16:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Angharad07 · 12/09/2018 16:16

“Childfree parents have busy lives too”.

Could I just ask, what exactly is a “childfree parent”? If you’re talking about parenting pets then please get a grip.

Ripping into OP because her childless friend doesn’t understand why she is obliged to pick up her children from school is a bit odd. Yes, people without children can be busy too but OP’ busyness revolves around other people’s lives. If OP doesn’t pick them up from school there are some hefty consequences...wouldn’t you say?

Nikephorus · 12/09/2018 16:17

I'm guessing that she just wants to feel like her friendship is still important to you; by limiting your hours (out of necessity & even though you're doing the travelling) she might feel like your time together is spent with one eye on the clock and therefore you can't relax and do what you used to do. It doesn't make it right, and it doesn't mean she's inherently selfish either. It's just that she wants you to show her that you care about maintaining that friendship and that having kids hasn't changed that feeling (even though for you it may well have done and it certainly makes it harder spending time together. Instead of seeing it as her being awkward, see it as her valuing her time with you and wanting to maximise it.
(I don't think friend coming to OP would make it any better because OP would be permanently in 'mum' mode after school & friend would get less attention)

butterflysugarbaby · 12/09/2018 16:24

Yeah, what the fuck is a childfree parent?! Confused

ifonly4 · 12/09/2018 16:25

Turn it around and invite her, and she can stay as long as she wants! Obviously she'll have to realise you have a family but if your DP can help out as much as poss while she's with you, you can have a drink out, cinema/meal/walk/shopping/takeaway whatever. If you know you'll be tied up with the family for more than a couple of hours on your own and she clearly isn't into joining in, you could suggest you're happy for her to have a potter around local town, get some fresh air, read a book etc.

powerwalk · 12/09/2018 16:27

You have every right to be upset op, she is making zero effort!

My bf had a baby long before I even considered a long term dp and I did all the travelling, I fitted in with her routine and I went to her home. Why? Because I could see how tired she was, I knew this would make life easier for her, because I cared for a lot and didn't want to add to her already knackering list of things to do. I had not the first idea how truly tired she must have been as a single mother. I had no idea the responsibility she spoke about until I had my own dc. When I had my own dc I was very glad I made such an effort for her.

Long and deep friendships tend to run in cycles and stages, and sometimes we are in a good position to do the running and sometimes we aren't. If your friend really cared she wouldn't be making you feel like crap in the first place, nor would she expect you to do this.

I would seriously ditch her.

ShalomJackie · 12/09/2018 16:27

Actually being self employed frequently means that you have less scope to arrange time off. As an employee there are generally other people to pick up the slack or cope with clients when you are absent. As a self employed person you may be solely responsible for a client.

It also seems you are cross because she is busy when you want her to be free!

Do you have a partner? She may assume that your partner is available to sort out your kids.

powerwalk · 12/09/2018 16:32

(I don't think friend coming to OP would make it any better because OP would be permanently in 'mum' mode after school & friend would get less attention)

Oh and by the way OP will be in permanent MUM mode (what ever the fuck that demeaning term is) because she is a mother, and just because she isn't with her children that doesn't mean she won't be worrying/thinking/checking on them. Motherhood doesn't come with an off switch you know!!

If you had any idea how brutally exhausting motherhood can be then you would not be expecting op to give her friend 'attention' of any kind ! I think if anyone could do with being nurtured it is op!!! Angry

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/09/2018 16:33

Angelil
I also had fertility issues and ended up trashing my health through ivf. I know a lot about fertility issues and am largely bedridden as a result of becoming a mother. My comment had nothing to do with the friends fertility about which we know precisely nothing despite some posters speculating. It was an off the cuff comment, similar to that of ops complaining about their dhs and someone pipes up “looks like you’ve got yourself a child there” or some such. Please don’t tell me what I can and can’t say.

DebbysMum · 12/09/2018 16:42

Has it crossed your mind that she simply misses you and wants to spend more time with you and that's why she's being stubborn, because she's upset you can't stay longer?

Gemi33 · 12/09/2018 16:43

I'm the only one of my friends that doesn't have children. I have an incredibly demanding (and unflexible) job and yet I am constantly expected to do all the running because I don't have children and therefore I obviously have nothing else to do - it is unbelievable frustrating!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 12/09/2018 16:49

If you take the fact you OP are a mother out of the equation it simply boils down to your friend being completely inflexible. You have offered two dates ,agreed to take annual leave and travel to her- i think single or attached that's a lot of sacrifice on your side to try and arrange a meet up. It's now up to her, a simple "well id love us to catch up soon, let me know whens good for you to come to me" msg to her should let her know this.

Lizzie48 · 12/09/2018 16:50

It's not about how busy we are, it's about how flexible we can be. I'm a SAHM with 2 adopted DDs, DD1 having SEN. I do voluntary work for a Christian charity, but I'm not tied to it. DD1 has always had hospital appointments and will be starting therapy soon.

So yes, I do have time during the day. But I don't have flexibility, I have to be back at 3:15 to pick my DDs up every weekday. And yes, I do have a DH and he can take leave obviously, but with our DD1's needs, we have to be careful as to how he used his leave. He's also a senior manager (Principal Engineer), so he isn't as free to book leave as he used to be.

Ironically, I was in some ways more flexible before my DDs started school, despite being much busier. I would just take my DDs with me in the car.

So yes, the OP's friend is lacking in understanding of her situation. Who does she imagine will pick up her DC if the OP doesn't?

It's not parent/childfree, it's about being understanding of each other's circumstances. It could be other things, as has been said, e.g. sick parent, working long hours etc.

butterflysugarbaby · 12/09/2018 16:54

Very good post @Lizzie48...

continuallychargingmyphone · 12/09/2018 16:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Hideandgo · 12/09/2018 17:03

Continually....oh such an obvious knife to dig in. Can you not come up with something nasty that is at least subtle?

girlwithadragontattoo · 12/09/2018 17:04

Op do you think she's your best friend yet she see's you as a friend and slightly differently possibly?

I wouldn't bother to make the effort with to be honest. I don't have kids (never wanted them and don't intend to have any) and have a busy life and i understand it's hard for people with children with child care, though I'd try and work around them if it was me and i cared about their friendship. She doesn't really seem to be that bothered and if she's making it difficult it acting like a child herself, can you really be bothered with that?

ionising · 12/09/2018 17:04

Why are you jealous rlou?

Don’t you want your child?

Seriously? Confused

MindatWork · 12/09/2018 17:05

Urgh I hate these threads.

The actual issue in this case is that the friend is just being a selfish arse, but the whole post/thread becomes about how ALL PEOPLE WITHOUT KIDS DON'T UNDERSTAND OUR DIFFICULT LIVES.

Please don't tar everyone with the same brush OP. I spent 6 years ttc, always travelled to see my friends with kids so they didn't have to, arranged meet-ups around them etc.