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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this was thoughtless and be hurt for my son

442 replies

DileenODoubts · 11/09/2018 10:57

DS is 10, has a friend F since preschool.
For the last 2 years F has had a sleepover for his birthday. This year his mom (who I consider a friend) said F is doing same again this year, I’ll text you details. For the last few weeks F has been talking about it & including DS in the plans.
Got a text today while DS at school that said F party from 3 to 7, thought ok not a sleepover this year, text back & RSVP.
DS came home from school asking if I’d got a text about a sleepover or with times? Apparently all the boys were asking ‘what text did you get?’ at school because F was saying 2 kids were going to be picked up early and the rest could stay.
All DS’ friends are staying but him, he was heartbroken when I told him but putting on a brave face.
I text mum saying ‘just confirming times as there was some confusion about sleepover and she replied that yep only some kids (most) are staying for a sleepover.
Am I overreacting in thinking this is shitty and being sad for my son?

OP posts:
notacooldad · 12/09/2018 20:10

I know I've already answered but I was thinking about this earlier today.
There was a f quite a few occasions when this happened to both my lafs both as the lads that stayed over and the lafs that got sent home.
At primary there was a gang of them and some mum's thought that having 7 kids on a sleep over was too much so some would be sent home and others stayed.
We were always the daft parents who had an open door policy!!!! 12 years later those kids are 19 and 22 and still come round. Thus time for a beer!.
There was never any fall out because some went home and some didn't.
I normally hate everything being a life lesson but I'm sure there's one there somewhere.
The upshot is the kids didn't fall out, mum's didn't fall out or ' have words ' with each other, dad's didn't fall out and the world carried on spinning!

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 12/09/2018 20:14

But this particular kid is upset Confused

InertPotato · 12/09/2018 20:18

She's fucking clueless that she wouldn't see a problem with this arrangement. I'd cut her off, politely.

So sorry for your son. It's a character-building experience, but such a shitty one.

RebeccaSterling · 12/09/2018 20:22

Why does everyone think there are 7 children? I see that the non-sleepover children are invited from 3pm to 7pm. There is nothing about how many were invited (except that it has to be more than 4).

holasoydora · 12/09/2018 20:22

Excluding some kids from a sleepover is really shitty!

I'd find something more fun for my son to do on that day and sod them, then distance. Life is too short for shitty friends.

HermioneGoesBackHome · 12/09/2018 20:26

We’ve had that too.
Party with children and then some children went back home whilst others stayed.
I’ve had no issue with that (and not did my own dcs) when it has been a swimming pool party with lots of people but only 2 going to the sleepover.
I wouod have a massive issues with only two children out of a quite big group to go back home. Might as well tell them they were only invited for the pretence.

Fwiw the family that did that wth dc2 then behaved even more appalling in dc2 b’day. Move on a few more years and said child is an entitled so and so with no respect of other people....
Dc2 in the mean time has found a group of real friends.

Nodancingshoes · 12/09/2018 20:26

Similar thing happened to me at 11 years old and I have never forgotten how much it hurt... Well done for sticking up for your son xxx

InertPotato · 12/09/2018 20:27

OP presumes it's 6/7 kids, 2 are being sent home. Horrible.

If there must be a partial sleepover, it should be one best friend (with discretion) and 5/6 sent home.

I'd organise something else to do on the day.

TrueLoveWays · 12/09/2018 20:28

That's awful
Happened to me when I was younger
I got picked up with two others and the rest stayed
I was mortified and hadn't realised it was a sleepover until the giggling and whispering when I was getting ready to leave.

ConfusedMum82 · 12/09/2018 20:28

It's awful isn't it?
Going through similar situation with DD currently- been dropped by someone she considered her bff now they're at secondary, saw it coming as she was cooling off in summer hols whereas they constantly spoke on phone and text and met up before.
I've dealt with it as a think yourself lucky as real friends won't do this, they've marked themselves out as they really are. DD was upset at first but apparently at lunchtime the girl was sitting alone at lunch and asked DD to sit with her. DD said no thanks, I'm sitting with my actual mates and sat at the next table with a bunch of new girls she's met since last week!
It's hard now for him, but perhaps try that angle?

holasoydora · 12/09/2018 20:31

That is awful trueloveways!

Serialweightwatcher · 12/09/2018 20:41

I hate this so much and can never understand how parents cannot see what it does to these kids when they do for one and not the other - my sons have both been through disappointments and hard times with kids growing up and it broke my heart in pieces (and still does even though they are teens) - I'm glad your son isn't going at all because that would be awful and I'm glad he has a good friend who is willing to stand by him - mine didn't Sad

HalloumiGus · 12/09/2018 20:44

Any reply yet OP? The charitable bit of me is wondering if she is absolutely mortified.

Starlight345 · 12/09/2018 20:46

I wouldn’t send your Ds op.

I do wonder what’s behind it as this seems out of character for this family .

However when I have had friends over for my Ds’s Birthday half of the conversation is about the sleep over . Pretty miserable for your Ds.

pinkstripeycat · 12/09/2018 20:57

That’s cruel. It doesn’t take much to squeeze in another. My boys are older and we fit in everyone they want. They all prefer to sleep I’m the floor together in a jumble of duvets, sleeping bags and pillows the same as cub/scout camp.

ILoveHumanity · 12/09/2018 21:03

Seems strange that a mum would do that impactig the friendship of her child with yours ... and hurting your child

I think u should speak to her asking her why she did this after the bday is over

Turnitaroundagain · 12/09/2018 21:07

Bastards who do shit like this sorry but there’s no excuse.

ZanyMobster · 12/09/2018 21:16

She is such a bitch, I just don't understand how people cannot realise how hurtful it is, it makes me think that they must and are just, in fact. spiteful! I have heard of maybe 1 or 2 staying over as a minority out of the party goers but to seriously leave just 2 out is bloody awful.

I think you/your DS has done the right thing, he sounds like a lovely boy.

Putthekettleonplease · 12/09/2018 21:17

That is horrific. I could cry for your son. What a stupid bitch.

DoinItForTheKids · 12/09/2018 21:18

Nothing has surprised me more than how utterly selfish and self absorbed parents can be and it's not just at this age. Even the only one remaining mum I thought was the absolutely most solid, reliable, always came down on side of fairness, eventually let me down when it came to my daughter. When she could have helped with something she didn't, then she wanted to talk to me at a parents evening and I just couldn't even bring myself to respond - talk about too little too late. That was after another school mum who I thought was totally 'with me' had already disappointed me hugely, and I can only judge against 'what would I do if that child's mum came to me with this same issue' and I know for sure I would do everything to help, and to redirect my child's behaviour if I thought it was inappropriate. But no, no such help and it literally involved matters pertaining to my DDs mental health, sense of self worth, etc.

In the example where the kids were sniggering whilst certain children were getting picked up and not included in the sleepover? If I was that parent I'd have told my children who would have been 'hosting' the sleepover, that the sleepover was cancelled due their nasty behaviour giggling at other children. That would soon teach them - my approach has always been if you don't want your own children to behave like this, then you pull them up when they do things that are wrong.

When these little girls and boys (but especially the girls (sorry)) go into later primary and then onto secondary school, they'll be the little bitches (sorry, gotta use that term) who will be excluding people from friendship groups and shit stirring - to some extent because the parents never pulled them up about these behaviours when they were younger.

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 12/09/2018 21:25

It's really thoughtless. She should have thought it through before she started planning it - to invite him then change it afterwards really sucks! No wonder your son is so disappointed, and hers probably is too! Why not organise a sleepover at yours the same evening for the other kid and a couple of others too, and make it a fun night for them.

joliejoleen · 12/09/2018 21:27

Gosh, I am heartbroken for your son. What a shitty thing to do. If this happened to my DS, I wouldn't send him to the party. Some parents are fucking clueless...

Cauliflowersqueeze · 12/09/2018 21:33

It’s spiteful of her. It’s more than thoughtless. Your text is great. And your son’s friend is great. Can he have a sleepover at your house and do something fun for the night.

BerriesandLeaves · 12/09/2018 21:35

Dd asked to have friends round for pizza/film followed by a sleepover for her birthday. As we don't have room to have all on a sleepover i said "no A list and B list" and made her have the sleepover separately, a few weeks later in the school hols.

LadyDuplo · 12/09/2018 21:48

My heart has broken reading this. I think you, your lovely ds and his lovely bf have handled this great.

Thanks for you and dancing too. And all the other PP that this type of shitty behaviour has impacted.

My dc are still too little for this type of sly shenanigans but I'm dreading the day when they're older and get exposed to this - either directly or indirectly.

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