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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was thoughtless and be hurt for my son

442 replies

DileenODoubts · 11/09/2018 10:57

DS is 10, has a friend F since preschool.
For the last 2 years F has had a sleepover for his birthday. This year his mom (who I consider a friend) said F is doing same again this year, I’ll text you details. For the last few weeks F has been talking about it & including DS in the plans.
Got a text today while DS at school that said F party from 3 to 7, thought ok not a sleepover this year, text back & RSVP.
DS came home from school asking if I’d got a text about a sleepover or with times? Apparently all the boys were asking ‘what text did you get?’ at school because F was saying 2 kids were going to be picked up early and the rest could stay.
All DS’ friends are staying but him, he was heartbroken when I told him but putting on a brave face.
I text mum saying ‘just confirming times as there was some confusion about sleepover and she replied that yep only some kids (most) are staying for a sleepover.
Am I overreacting in thinking this is shitty and being sad for my son?

OP posts:
honeysucklejasmine · 12/09/2018 18:36

Oh Dancing, that's just awful.

ohfourfoxache · 12/09/2018 18:39

Sounds like he has a lovely BF

Could you arrange an outing for DS and his BF? Sounds like the BF is also quite upset at what has happened

Moaningmeadowlark · 12/09/2018 18:42

Has she replied to your text? I think you sent a great response. Feel very sorry for your ds.

Prussiablue · 12/09/2018 18:43

So so glad he's not going. I felt your pain and his. Very hurtful experience but at least he's got wonderful parents and obviously a good bf. Have had similar experiences to this too. Some rotten, thoughtless people out there.

Funnyface1 · 12/09/2018 18:46

Good for you op, exactly what I would have done. Glad your ds is feeling better about it.

Gotthetshirt68 · 12/09/2018 18:56

Sorry, I’d have to ask why ?
And then tell her what a cruel thing she had done

Pliudev · 12/09/2018 19:00

I do sympathise but I don't think you should be sending a text as some have suggested. Can you plan something for after the party? Along the lines of ' we'll come and collect you and then we're all going to the cinema' or some other treat? That way he'd have something to tell the other kids. Don't make too much of this, friendship groups shift and there's not a lot you can do about it except make sure your DS is resilient.

Pliudev · 12/09/2018 19:01

Oh dear, that'll teach me not to keep up! Sorry I missed the updates.

Dollymixture22 · 12/09/2018 19:03

Well handled OP. Grace under fire!

The mum is hopefully too embarrassed to respond,

musketeers123 · 12/09/2018 19:06

Very well handled 🤗🤗🤗
Your DS sounds amazing - with a fab supportive family xxx
Party invites start declining- Karma ...

PollyFlinderz · 12/09/2018 19:11

OP, whatever way a person would look at this or try to explain it away nothing will change the fact its appalling behaviour on the part of the mum and the son and there's absolutely no reasonable excuse for it.

Quite how you can console both you and your son Ive no idea but one day I hope you can take comfort in the fact you are far better people than the birthday boy and is sad excuse for a mother.

Gotthetshirt68 · 12/09/2018 19:12

Me too, will try and keep up !

AnnieAnoniMoose · 12/09/2018 19:14

That’s great about his BF.

However, they already knew it was happening, just not who was excluded, so it would have been horrible for two of the boys anyway...it’s a shame they didn’t say at the time ‘oh that’s rubbish leaving only 2 of us out’ now it seems like it would be ok if it was another boy, just not DS.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad your DS has his BF in his corner, it just seems sad that they didn’t all have each other’s backs iykwim.

Anyway...sleep over at yours for the other excluded lad, DS’s BF and anyone else who thinks it’s horrible....I would, without hesitation. It’s a shame for Birthday Boy, but a lesson that needed learning for his Mum (and him if he didn’t object already).

Pixiegirl76 · 12/09/2018 19:17

You know,kids fall in and kids fall out.You cant run their lives? Just move on .Seriously hun,,move on,,your son will get over it

HonestReally · 12/09/2018 19:18

I hope this works out for your son. I think I might have double checked the facts before sending a text just in case the birthday boy had his facts wrong.

WaxOnFeckOff · 12/09/2018 19:19

Annie, I think when it's all theoretical then it doesn't really click in that someone is being left out. It's only when "someone" has a name that it becomes real to them , they are still only children.

I'd have been inclined before the update to say to DS to go into school and when they are all clambering for info about the text, just to say "oh I don't know what the text said, my mum said I'd been invited but that my Dad had already planned something so she had said I couldn't go" as that would have saved face for him.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 12/09/2018 19:22

Shameful behaviour from a grown woman. I’m glad he’s not going.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 12/09/2018 19:26

if the Bff isn't going then give them a sleepover and treats or an outing instead.

highheelsandbobblehats · 12/09/2018 19:29

So pleased to hear that you declined and that you've got solidarity in the others too. Unfortunately sometimes adults are just arseholes. I was really friendly with a set of three sisters as a teen. They were my best friends. Their step dad used to be a top dog at the local Conservative club and organised many many black tie dinner and dances at posh venues. The girls always went. On at least four separate occasions I was invited by the girls, who had cleared it with their mum. I'd be invited round to try on ballgowns to borrow. A few days before, their stepdad would then announce that I wasn't allowed to go after all. I only fell for if so many times as I was young and hopeful that each time would be different.

He's simply an absolute dick. At the girls weddings and children's christenings years later he would make a point of turning his back to me, making sure I knew it was for my benefit. Took me years to realise the mother was just as spiteful. I don't really speak to the girls anymore and it's a relief to not have to deal with their poisonous parents.

Unfortunately, being an adult doesn't necessarily mean that you know not to be a dick.

Crummyfunnymummy · 12/09/2018 19:29

Dancing that’s made me cry! How can people be so cruel? I hope she moved on from that horrible friend. How could the parents have allowed/encouraged that behaviour??!! Angry

OP your text was spot on! The 3 boys have all acted with self respect and maturity. The BF particularly so. Well done to them all. Perhaps ask the 3 of them if there’s something they’d like to do together by way of reward for their grown up behaviour (DVD, sleepover, Take away, or something else!) Let them choose. They’ve shown excellent decision making already. Somehow an adult planning a rival bells and whistles, pulling out all the stops outing plus sleepover seems a bit childish to me and might not even be what they want. It’s best for us adults to butt out quite often, rather than cause rifts which the DC have to them live with.

neveradullmoment99 · 12/09/2018 19:33

I would convince him not to go. Totally horrible and unacceptable. Say he is busy and have a treat for him instead. invite some friends of his to your house instead

Herladyships · 12/09/2018 19:33

Oh my gosh this dilemma takes me right back to when my 3 Boys were younger. They are all 15 + now thank goodness and luckily their class friends don’t do birthday parties anymore phew!!!!
Unfortunately the school playground is a very political area & it’s all about who’s who & who’s in with who I’m afraid. I have had the identical thing happen to one of my sons who is the most fragile of all my boys. One of my sons had two lovely friends & they all used to stay at each other’s houses on their birthday. One of his friends moved away & left to go to another school but they still all remained the best of friends or so I thought. Every birthday would come & so would the invitations. We knew when his birthday was coming up so this one year we never received a text or a phone call so just presumed they were doing something as a family instead at the weekend. On the Monday my son went in to school to over hear the other friend raving about the great day he had out & the sleepover in the evening & with that asked why my son hadn’t come to which he said he never got invited. Unfortunately the whole friendship dinamics completely changed after that as we never ever heard from his mum again and we had been good friends or so I thought!!! I was worried my son had maybe said or done something but he said he hadn’t & to this day we still don’t understand why. I personally would not give this lady the satisfaction of letting my child go otherwise you will feel a bit of a hypocrite as I know I would and I can completely understand exactly how you feel as my son was absolutely devasted and he was 10 so the same age. Don’t waste your money on a present, why not see if the other child that is not allowed to stay either could come to yours instead & take them out for a fun day somewhere really great with a sleepover after. I would be totally honest with what you have decided to do to the lady as it is so unfair as the other two will have to have their little noses rubbed in it all of the afternoon with the exiting plans that the other boys will be trying to make for their sleep over. Very cruel parents to do that & I just hope they realise what they have done to you as a family
The best of luck with what ever you decide to do but i would not want to know her after this, life is too short to waste your time on someone who does not share the same values & beliefs as you do & with the way she thinks it’s ok to break two little innocent boys hearts
DISGRACEFUL MOTHER & FRIEND I AM AFRAID

I do feel for you
Xx

whiteroseredrose · 12/09/2018 19:43

So now only 4 are going?

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 12/09/2018 19:50

I don't think I'd send him at all tbh. Imagine how he'll feel knowing he doesn't get to stay and awaiting being picked up. I'd plan a really fun day doing something else entirely. Waterpark, dinner out and then cinema would be my go to to keep him busy all day and ensure it's waaaaay better than some stuffy mum's house party.

LateMumma · 12/09/2018 19:59

Your poor son, what a difficult thing to experience - but what a thoughtful, kind and resilient boy you’re raising ❤️