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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was thoughtless and be hurt for my son

442 replies

DileenODoubts · 11/09/2018 10:57

DS is 10, has a friend F since preschool.
For the last 2 years F has had a sleepover for his birthday. This year his mom (who I consider a friend) said F is doing same again this year, I’ll text you details. For the last few weeks F has been talking about it & including DS in the plans.
Got a text today while DS at school that said F party from 3 to 7, thought ok not a sleepover this year, text back & RSVP.
DS came home from school asking if I’d got a text about a sleepover or with times? Apparently all the boys were asking ‘what text did you get?’ at school because F was saying 2 kids were going to be picked up early and the rest could stay.
All DS’ friends are staying but him, he was heartbroken when I told him but putting on a brave face.
I text mum saying ‘just confirming times as there was some confusion about sleepover and she replied that yep only some kids (most) are staying for a sleepover.
Am I overreacting in thinking this is shitty and being sad for my son?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 12/09/2018 21:49

One of dds friend’s parents did a party like this for an 8th birthday. Invited half to stay the night and half to go home. I had no idea about the two tiers and dd was invited to stay over. After accepting, I learnt that all the children not invited to stay declined and of the 5 or so asked to stay, two couldn’t make the party, one was ill on the day so that left dd and another friend out of 10 kids. I felt really sorry for all the children including the party girl. The parents really cocked up there. Kids whether they’re 8 or 10 don’t get a say in these things.

I’m sorry your ds is so upset. Dd has also had shitty stuff happen to her such as being left out of a party. I strongly suspect the mother influencing that one. Dd was only 6 at tne time.

I suppose at least these parents were thoughtless and lacking empathy rather than malicious. I assume she hasn’t got back to you. That’s a poor show.

Honeyroar · 12/09/2018 21:50

Could you beat them at their own game and have a sleepover for the ones not invited?

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/09/2018 21:59

DoinItForthekids
Interesting that you say these are the children (predominantly girls), who will exclude others. The girl, whose party dd made the A list on is just like that already. She started deciding she wouldn’t be friends with x girl until next Monday or whenever and will literally ignore them. She was doing that in yr5. She did it to dd and another girl to my knowledge.

DoinItForTheKids · 12/09/2018 22:06

Yup Mummyof, I have always thought that so many parents choose to deliberate 'not see' what their kids do when they behave badly. I'm not some sort of brutal nut with my own children's behaviour but if I see inappropriate behaviour, I tackle it and if they have to be the ones to have that challenging learning moment at my hand, then so be it - at least I've possibly stopped them doing something to someone and upsetting them.

In your example that's such fabulous opportunity to say (which I've no doubt you're on it anyway!) "you know it's not nice she behaves like that is it, you can demonstrate that you don't agree with that behaviour - if she tells you not to be friends with x for a week you say no, that's just not nice, I decide for myself who I'm friends with and don't treat people like that". I see these as positive opportunities to help them learn to advocate for themselves and start to figure out what behaviours are ok with them and what aren't (which especially for girls surely can't be a bad thing in terms of future adult relationships too).

It's so hard for the kids though, the power of the group is everything, and reinforced by social media groups where you can have it demonstrated to you that you're deliberately being left out, it's just torture.

KERALA1 · 12/09/2018 22:16

It's shabby behaviour op well handled. Happened to me at 13 the parents were evangelical Christians but didn't stop them enabling their bitchy daughter sent 2 of us home 6 remained for sleepover - nice - am sure Jesus wouldn't have condoned that...

Honeyroar · 12/09/2018 22:18

Dancing how absolutely awful they were to your daughter. I'd have bloody well gone round and banged on their door and told the parents just how disgustingly cruel they were letting one single girl cry her heart out at home. In the hope for a tiny moment they felt bad, and thought in future. I really think these hard hearted, selfish parents should be given a bit of grief and told how awful they are now and again.

Wdigin2this · 12/09/2018 22:22

This sleep over lark is bound to be decisive. I’d say all or none!

Justnoclue · 12/09/2018 22:29

‘Exclusion’ is a vicious weapon in many girls weaponry. Some boys too.

Using exclusion to control friendship groups is vile but common amongst a certain type of child. Witnessed it time and again.

Flowers for your DS

Fossie · 12/09/2018 22:32

I can’t understand the almost unanimous horror of this party invite. I tell my children they are lucky to be invited to the party at all but this time the party girl/boy wanted other people to stay over and not them. Never had a problem with a child of mine being upset. There are lots of reasons for not being invited. If your kid is upset then say so. There will either be an explanation or they will squeeze them in. Such unnecessary drama.

cakedup · 12/09/2018 22:33

How could anyone think that was ok though?
I'm so glad your DS has decided not to go. I really feel for him and he sounds so lovely, how dare she. I would find that hard to forgive to be honest.
I don't really understand previous posts about space...I've had two birthday sleepovers for DS, he invited 8 each time and i have a tiny flat. Everyone just bought a sleeping bag and squeezed in! Not that any child really ever sleeps at a sleepover anyway.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 12/09/2018 22:34

Does the fact that it’s nearly unanimous not suggest anything to you, Fossie?

TippingWood · 12/09/2018 22:35

I tell my children they are lucky to be invited to the party at all

Well their self esteem must be through the roof after that Hmm.

Lucy1103 · 12/09/2018 22:37

OP you handled this fantastically, but now you have to tell us what she said

Fossie · 12/09/2018 22:42

You actually know how many are invited. If you’ve declined the invite then it is nothing to do with you now so I wouldn’t expect to hear from her again. I still think a chat about it would have been better.

Nissandriver · 12/09/2018 22:43

Have you had a reply to your text yet OP? Really intrigued

Neem · 12/09/2018 22:45

That’s really nasty, and even if the kid mentioned leaving just two friends out of the sleepover, the mother should have guided him to be more sensitive. It’s mean, and if your DS doesn’t want to go, I wouldn’t send him

LooLaaToo · 12/09/2018 22:48

DD was recently on the receiving end of this behaviour. It was definitley the parents behind it and wasn't helped by all the pictures splashed all over SM the next day. Hmm Interestingly, it's DD's birthday party in a few weeks and this girl is part of the group DD wants to invite. I asked her what she wanted to do about this girl and she's invited her. Needless to say, her mother was one of the first to accept the invite. I had wondered if she'd feel some shame and make an excuse but it appears not. Sadly, there are alot of spiteful parents about.

OhFFSMum · 12/09/2018 23:28

Oh I so want to know what the mum of the birthday kid said back to you op!? Honestly what is wrong with some people? I basically end up with all the girls in my DD's class at her birthday celebration every year as I feel so terrible leaving some out! Hope your boy has a lovely day doing something fun with his BF instead!!

mummypeepee · 12/09/2018 23:47

This happened to my eldest once, except she was the only one that wasn’t staying. Even up to my husband leaving with her the party kid was asking if she could stay as well but the Mum said no. It was heartbreaking

garethsouthgatesmrs · 12/09/2018 23:48

Even up to my husband leaving with her the party kid was asking if she could stay as well but the Mum said no

Shock your poor DD.

TheDowagerCuntess · 12/09/2018 23:48

Other Mum is unlikely to reply back to the text.

What can she say?

She's unlikely to be all contrite, so all that's left to say is: 'OK', really - in which case, I doubt she will bother.

Stompythedinosaur · 12/09/2018 23:58

I think your text was really good, and I'm pleased you made clear the reason you declined. I'm also very happy about the support from ds' bf.

onegiftedgal · 13/09/2018 00:02

I totally understand why you would feel sad for your son and also for yourself. Why are people so thoughtless? In this situation, I really do think it would be far less upsetting for your son if he didn't go at all. Could you take him out to the cinema etc for some fun of your own. Once the sleepover has passed, he will forget it pretty quickly.
This would be a game changer for me though and going forward, I would only let them play at school and totally cut off play dates etc because this mum has had no concern for either of your feelings. Life really is too short op for wasting time on those that hurt us.

Original poster
DileenODoubts · 13/09/2018 00:33

Hi,
Mum’s reply was ‘sorry, I was afraid this would happen, F wanted everyone but I made him choose 5 as husband is away, we’ll have your ds over another time’
Fair enough I think but they should have said that to ds before and maybe just have a minority staying on rather than a majority.
DS is fine and this has been a good lesson to make sure friends don’t feel excluded.
He and DH are going to do something that evening then he, bf and the other boy will do something in a week or two. He doesn’t want it to seem like a rival sleepover the same night as F’s one

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 13/09/2018 00:37

It's not a nice thing to do, if she thought offence might happen between the friends she could have had the party, then, and sleepover later.