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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I made a massive mistake

242 replies

Florenceblondie · 09/09/2018 17:14

I'm married. I got a crush on a man at work. I'm 99% the feeling was mutual. We used to stare at each other, catch each others eyes. We were very awkward and nervous around each other. It got to the point my heart was pounding when I saw him and rather than being a lovely fantasy in my head it became upsetting and hard to deal with.
I was very upset one day and I stupidly, very stupidly sent him a message telling him about the crush and I said I would never act on it and I respect both our marriages and families. I also said it will pass but I had to get it out my head by being honest.
I felt like sending the message would be like ripping off a plaster. I could then deal with it and move on.
He didn't reply and I felt mortified. I then apologised face to face. I think he may think I was trying to start something up but I really wasn't. I wanted it out of my head.

I told dh about it all and the message. He trusts me and although he was hurt that my eyes had wandered he appreciated my honesty. We have been fine since.
At work however, the man is still gazing at me. I do avoid him and we don't speak but I can still see him gazing. He's a nice person and not the sort to go blabbing and he's not sleazy with it.
I guess what I wanted him to say was that he feels the same but he loves his wife and then agree to avoid each other...but he said nothing.
It was a pathetic, stupid thing to do and I didn't want to act on it but I just wanted closure.
I know I've made a tit of myself, i just feel upset at myself for doing something do stupid.
I feel like if I didn't admit to him then the crush would go on and on and on and I would be looking out for him at work....now I just get on with things and avoid him.

OP posts:
MrsDesireeCarthorse · 09/09/2018 21:27

I wanted it out of my head.

I have a friend who uses this kind of language and god, it's boring. It's messing with my head, it's a head fuck, I had to get it out of my head...she behaves this way too, under the guise of 'getting it out of my head'. In reality, there was no need to send him this message to achieve this, you had other options, so I don't believe you're being honest. You wanted to test the waters even if you won't admit it.

All the talk above does is make you navel-gaze. In reality: you fancied him, you presumed he fancied you, you felt guilty but you decided to go for the melodramatic option instead of simply waiting it out or talking to someone else about it, and he very sensibly showed that he is not remotely interested in doing anything about it.

I am sure that sounds brutal but like my friend, you could really do with not painting reality in dramatic colours then wallowing in it. Be very, very careful what you do next because I doubt your husband has got over this at all. Mine would be absolutely devastated just to know I'd emailed another man saying anything like this - our marriage would never be the same.

chillpizza · 09/09/2018 21:28

Wow you sound like the women who was obsessed with my dh at work. She got fired for gross misconduct on company communications with the emails she sent him which he never once responded too. She too thought he really fancied her but it was all in her head all the other staff saw it and her emails got her in obviously big trouble, I had to block her myself as she started on me after she got fired trying to spin the blame even though I’d seen the messages. Her poor partner has stuck around too no doubt believing her story.

maras2 · 09/09/2018 21:36

I think that he needs an eye test and you need therapy.

ShesABelter · 09/09/2018 21:38

@MudCity I think the man who you are talking abouts wife is on here and has posted about that situation.

Op you defo posted this back in April. It's obsessive you should move job.

Original poster
Florenceblondie · 09/09/2018 21:40

No I didn't. I have never posted about this before. April, last week, a few months ago. Nope not me. Like i have said several times.
It's a waste of time explaining myself.

OP posts:
KC225 · 09/09/2018 21:41

I've had loads of crushes. Loads. There may have been a little eye contact with the odd one, but no more than some if my 'two stop tube love affairs'. By the time I reach the top of the escalator, I couldn't pick him out in a line up.

Here are the rules I crush by. You don't write them notes, you don't tell your husband. My last crush was my son's new basketball coach. Lasted a couple of months, one day he winked at me and I nearly fainted. It all ended very suddenly when I saw him wipe his nose on his sleeve and look at it afterwards. Dirty ill bred bastard was not for me. I've not even been to the last three games. DH has taken him and acty said, I don't know why you don't like him (coach) he seems alright. Ha. That's the thing with crushes, over as soon as they start. It's not the real thing love - that's coke.

I do feel for you - awkward. But live and learn and keep mouth shut.

therewillbetime · 09/09/2018 21:50

OK, you have put yourself in a very awkward position but life goes on. However this situation seems odd for a number of reasons plus, if you carry on like this something will happen that will truly upset you and your life. It seems very odd that you and your dh are 'fine' after this - I'm not saying a partner would try to understand this, but if my dp said this to me I know we would have a hell of a lot of talking to do over a long period of time Is he really fine?

Secondly, it is as though you ARE waiting for something to happen. Snap out of it - you are not living in a Mills and Boon novel. I have a feeling that if for eg, the wife of this man at work decided to knock on your door and have it out with you, or if your dh actually turned round and said he couldn't deal with it, you would hit the ground with a bump; instead of procrastinating about him looking at you, you would be plunged into a world of real stress and emotional upset.

Having said all this, the most important thing to do is to admit to yourself (if not anyone else) that you actually DO want something to come of this crush. If not, you wouldn't be feeling this rejection. And if this is the case, there are far bigger issues in your life and marriage to face.

Thatsfuckingshit · 09/09/2018 21:56

I like how op is only coming back to keep saying that she hasn't posted before. Bit not bothering answering anything else.

It does feel weird that there are some many women on mn recently, that seem convinced a colleague is in love with them. And then so many that decide its a good idea to tell the colleague and their dh.

What the fuck is wrong with you all?

Mari50 · 09/09/2018 21:58

Such a weird way to deal with a crush. You obviously completely believed your feelings were reciprocated and wanted some validation before putting it to bed.
You do realise that most normal people will deal with a crush themselves, realise that it’s some transient attraction that has no meaning in the real world and let it pass.
Your behaviour would indicate that you wanted to make it more ‘real’ and surely if you were happily married the last can of worms you’d want to open is telling someone you’re sure is attracted to you that you feel the same?!
OP- he really wasn’t that into you. He probably thinks you’re a bit mental now. Which will help with the not having an affair thing, like you wanted.

AnoukSpirit · 09/09/2018 21:58

The whole bloody thing is a symptom of me not getting what I need from DH

Even if it wasn't you that wrote this, it was my impression from reading your posts.

So, is the reason you posted about this situation because things with your DH actually aren't as great as you'd like them to be?

If that was the case, I'm sure there are people here who could help... That's all.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 09/09/2018 22:03

I didn't want this to continue any longer

What is the 'this' to 'continue'? There's nothing happening. Nothing has happened. Nothing is GOING to happen.

Leave the bloke alone. Get on with your job. Enjoy your relationship with your DH.

Banging on about 'getting closure' for a crush at work sounds immature and incredibly self-indulgent.

You'll get 'closure' from being emotionally mature and cracking on with your life and relegating your crush on a colleague to the past.

Original poster
Florenceblondie · 09/09/2018 22:06

We did speak about why this happened.

I think it happened because I had a miscarriage a few months before the crush. Before then all I could think about was becoming pregnant or worrying there was something wrong with me. I noticed this guy giving me some attention and it distracted me from being down. It gave me a bit of an ego boost. Selfishly.
Things with dh were nice and comfy. The miscarriage made me realise that a baby coming would mean all my fun and freedom would be compromised.
That's the honest reason.
I'm also being honest to say I would never cheat on dh. I just wanted to hear he was attracted to me like I thought then draw a line under it so I could move on and forget. All the little looks and smiles were keeping it going.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 09/09/2018 22:08

What the fuck is wrong with you all?

I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't laugh but this did make me laugh out loud. 😁

AynRandTheObjectivist · 09/09/2018 22:09

Generally, people do things because they want a particular outcome. I don't understand what outcome you wanted from this, especially since you don't seem to be happy with the one you got, despite claiming it was what you wanted. You said you'd never act on it, he has appropriately not acted on it, yet you are dissatisfied.

If you seriously intended never to act on it, it was very unfair to put him in such an uncomfortable situation, under the guise of "getting it out of your head". Other people are not dumping grounds for your head.

I think you need to examine your real motives here, because your stated thoughts and actions do not align.

Thatsfuckingshit · 09/09/2018 22:10

So you ego boost was more important than this man respecting his wife?

You would rather he declared his love for you, disrespected his wife then you walk away......But as long as you got your jollies?

AynRandTheObjectivist · 09/09/2018 22:11

I just wanted to hear he was attracted to me like I thought then draw a line under it so I could move on and forget.

Oh my.

You expect us to believe that you tried to get a man to admit he desired you so that you could forget about him?

What do you do when you're dieting? Hold a slice of chocolate cake under your nose all day so you can move on and forget about it?

crimsonlake · 09/09/2018 22:18

You can deny it was you who posted about this before but you have . Why are you raking this up again, apart from the attention?

updownleftrightstart · 09/09/2018 22:28

You sound a bit delusional really. Maybe he got the impression you felt this way about him and that's why he was nervous. And as for saying you didn't want anything to happen and just wanted closure. There is zero chance I would believe that if I were your husband. You are extremely lucky he is so forgiving. What would have happened if he had messaged back and said he felt the same and wanted something to happen between you? You'd have just had this amazing mutual attraction and not acted on it? You really expect anyone to believe that?

Of course people have crushes like you've described but it is never a good idea to act on it like you did. But I too am unsure why you're posting about it. You've discussed what happened with the guy and know where you both stand. Just move on.

Kisskiss · 09/09/2018 22:29

The colleague is actually behaving admirably, given the circumstances. If I knew him I’d want to give him a medal.

Such an embarrassing and awkward position he’s been put into and yet he’s managing to deal with it in the best way he can! ( whilst respecting himself, his marriage and his workplace professionalism).

My friend is experiencing the same thing at work, except the guy is married and she is single. He keeps texting her and emailing her on work systems insisting they have some spark , to go for a drink etc.. won’t take NO for an answer- she’s not far from taking it to HR.

GuavaPalava · 09/09/2018 22:31

Is it you AGAIN

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 09/09/2018 22:31

Really not sure what you’re trying to get from this thread OP?

And I don’t think the guy could have made his feelings much clearer, without being rude.

babysharksmummy · 09/09/2018 22:32

Saying you fancy someone is not a HR matter Hmm
The OP has just had a miscarriage, give her a break. Some exceptionally nasty and over the top responses here.
She's said she's not the previous poster, so without those other threads she doesn't seem obsessional at all, just someone who made an embarassing mistake.
Seriously, only on MN can the OP be so flamed for daring to fancy a guy at work yet if you have the audacity to criticize 40 year olds for fawning over people dressed up as Disney characters then you're a bully? Hmm

AmazinglyGraceful · 09/09/2018 22:37

Are you sure it was him that read it and didn’t reply, not someone else? IE his Mrs?!

Haireverywhere · 09/09/2018 22:37

The more you post the more it sounds like you wanted to test the water to me to see if he'd have an affair out of resentment towards your DH.

Move on/snap out of it.

Bluntness100 · 09/09/2018 22:40

Actually. Making inappropriate and unwelcome passes or personal comments to work colleagues is an hr matter. I'm shocked you think it's not.

And as much as I'm sorry the op had a miscarriage, she has just drip fed this in, and she says it was months before the crush, and the story she is telling is also at least four months old. So no she hasn't "just"had a miscarriage.