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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I made a massive mistake

242 replies

Florenceblondie · 09/09/2018 17:14

I'm married. I got a crush on a man at work. I'm 99% the feeling was mutual. We used to stare at each other, catch each others eyes. We were very awkward and nervous around each other. It got to the point my heart was pounding when I saw him and rather than being a lovely fantasy in my head it became upsetting and hard to deal with.
I was very upset one day and I stupidly, very stupidly sent him a message telling him about the crush and I said I would never act on it and I respect both our marriages and families. I also said it will pass but I had to get it out my head by being honest.
I felt like sending the message would be like ripping off a plaster. I could then deal with it and move on.
He didn't reply and I felt mortified. I then apologised face to face. I think he may think I was trying to start something up but I really wasn't. I wanted it out of my head.

I told dh about it all and the message. He trusts me and although he was hurt that my eyes had wandered he appreciated my honesty. We have been fine since.
At work however, the man is still gazing at me. I do avoid him and we don't speak but I can still see him gazing. He's a nice person and not the sort to go blabbing and he's not sleazy with it.
I guess what I wanted him to say was that he feels the same but he loves his wife and then agree to avoid each other...but he said nothing.
It was a pathetic, stupid thing to do and I didn't want to act on it but I just wanted closure.
I know I've made a tit of myself, i just feel upset at myself for doing something do stupid.
I feel like if I didn't admit to him then the crush would go on and on and on and I would be looking out for him at work....now I just get on with things and avoid him.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 09/09/2018 22:49

It's hilarious to think HR would be concerned about a polite conversation between colleagues. It's a private matter not an HR matter.

Four months ago is nothing. Leave the OP alone.

TuMeke · 09/09/2018 22:51

If you’d really just ‘wanted it out of your head’, why didn’t you just talk to a friend? Or, perhaps, post it anonymously on MN where you’d have got good robust advice...??

I call BS on your supposed motives. You told him because you wanted to escalate things - there’s no other reason. And now you’re humiliated he didn’t reciprocate and are still trying to wring drama from the situation. If you have been through traumatic events that have shaken you, get some help. Don’t drag other people into boosting your self esteem.

Oh, and if you think it’s only this colleague and your poor DH who ‘know’, you’re deluded. People at work will definitely have noticed you mooning and giggling over this guy. If you don’t think so, you’ve never met people.

I’m not sure what you want from us, OP, as you seem to be ignoring most of what’s being sensibly said to you about just moving on now. So here’s some advice. Don’t approach other people’s husbands, boyfriends, or partners. Ever. It’s always, always, always completely wrong.
And as for your job? Why not try stopping gazing endlessly at your colleagues and just get on with your damn work?

MenaMecca · 09/09/2018 23:12

In my last workplace, I noticed someone staring at me all the time. Now I don't know why he was staring at me, but it made me conscious and found myself checking if he was staring at me. I have no crush on him.

Maybe this was why he kept staring at you too.

Kisskiss · 09/09/2018 23:12

It can be a HR matter. I work in a male dominated sector and i know people ( women actually) who have reported similar incidents , leading to the aggressor being taken into a room and given an official warning. The whole point is you should not be made to feel uncomfortable in your workplace. It’s worse if the other party is an internal ‘client’ or in a team you deal with frequently or senior to you.

Btw, work email is meant for work, not to further your love life ..

This whole thread is annoying on so many levels. So many people could have been hurt if OP had gotten the outcome she was seeking ...
it’s also really not fun to be on the end of unwanted workplace attention and people trivialising this have clearly never experienced it or know someone who has , please think before you say it’s OK.

Italiangreyhound · 09/09/2018 23:43

Kisskiss

Did the 'aggressor' send a message? I think just the once. Saying he was not going to act on his feelings. Or did the aggressor act in an aggressive manner?

Do you know the OP used a work email?

No one is trivialislng this but saying something by message to someone once is hardly the crime of the century. Very foolish, yes. But not warranting this amount of anger.

MenaMecca · 09/09/2018 23:50

Well it depends. If I were the guy's wife, then it will warrant this amount of anger. ;)

Sunflowersforever · 10/09/2018 00:34

This has been posted before. Quite a few times. How odd.

KimchiLaLa · 10/09/2018 00:46

Honestly As others have said - why tell your husband?

It all seems a bit blown out of proportion and juvenile.

RibbonAurora · 10/09/2018 00:55

italiangreyhound would you feel the same if the OP were a man sending unsolicited 'I fancy you but I'm not going to do anything about it' messages to a female coworker. See, it's attitudes like yours that make it hard for people to be taken seriously when they report harassment at work. This is how harassment starts -one message, one bit if 'banter', damn right people should report it if it makes them uncomfortable. There's no place for it in the workplace, get on with your bloody work.

overnightangel · 10/09/2018 01:02

Op:
You fancy him , he’s not interested. You’ve concocted this all in your head to make you feel better about yourself and it’s got to the stage where you’ve actually start to believe your own lies.

PollyFlinderz · 10/09/2018 01:20

Awkward and nervous around me

I think most people are when around someone to all intents and purposes who's a workplace stalker.

PollyFlinderz · 10/09/2018 01:22

In my last workplace, I noticed someone staring at me all the time. Now I don't know why he was staring at me, but it made me conscious and found myself checking if he was staring at me. I have no crush on him

Maybe this was why he kept staring at you too

Thats the whole sum of it in a nutshell.

WanderingTrolley1 · 10/09/2018 02:11

This old story again?!

OP, you need help.

overnightangel · 10/09/2018 02:18

@WanderingTrolley1 has this been on here before like?

HoppingPavlova · 10/09/2018 02:59

He is staring at you because he is dumbfounded somebody could act so oddly. The end.

passwordfailure · 10/09/2018 03:42

Oh dear OP. If a man sent me the message you did via work email I would feel so uncomfortable. If I was married i would feel I had to show my husband. I would show my husband because I would be afraid that it could blow up into something even stranger. If I were you I would change jobs. I also would truly thank my lucky stars that my husband was lovely. Stop being selfish and appreciate what you have at home and work on deserving it!

TheDowagerCuntess · 10/09/2018 03:56

This cannot be real. 🙈🙉🙊

Hertha · 10/09/2018 04:07

So you did a stupid thing then shifted your bad feelings about it into your husband. Still not entirely sure why you’re posting about it.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 10/09/2018 04:10

Read it all before. No one cares. He doesn't like you.

BunsOfAnarchy · 10/09/2018 04:12

Sorry OP. You wont like this.

I cant think of anything more ridiculous than the message you sent. You just wanted to know if he felt the same so you could have closure? Bollocks. You dont want anything to happen? Bollocks. You wouldnt have sent the message if that was the case. You're testing the water to see if he felt the same and you know deep down that you may possibly have acted on it if the feeling was mutual.

He has probably told his Mrs too.
If my husband told me a woman at work sent him that message. Id be calling her an absolute slag for knowingly sending a married man a text declaring her feelings. Then finding out she was also married? Id probably add a few more choice slurs. Whether you like it or not this is how you will be perceived.

Please dont put your reputation and your marriage through this again.

Twotailed · 10/09/2018 05:14

If he had said he felt the same it wouldn’t have been closure. It would have been another layer of temptation - both of you knowing the feelings were there. Although it’s brutal for you this way is better - you know he doesn’t feel the same so there’s no ‘what if’, and because you’re embarassed it will kill your feelings. It’s actually much easier for you this way!

I’m surprised your DH was so good about it - you really owe it to him to strongly suppress any remaining feelings.

Lovebeingmama · 10/09/2018 05:18

"When I apologised to the guy at work he put his hand on my shoulder and said I've not to feel embarrassed but he is married. He was clearly very embarrassed. I told him I was very embarrassed and shouldn't have sent it. That was it. It's done."

This tells you everything you need to know op. He’s not interested. At best he’s mildly flattered at worse he’s trying to ‘nip this in the bud ‘ before HR get involved.
Despite this closure, you decide to indulge yourself further and post on here about it. Why do you feel the need? To keep a fantasy alive in your head by putting more energy into it.
Smell the coffee ol, it’s a crush that’s got out of hand. Leave it alone now.

hibeat · 10/09/2018 06:39

Stop this nonsense, stop posting on mumsnet, now you are still fantasizing about this guy through this thread, put you energy on you mam, sext him call him, buy him a gift, and maybe change job, and look elsewhere. You are putting Yourself in trouble. We all know that. You have not solve the issue by talking it out with your husband. It's not ended there. Commitment is not only about what you do not do but also about what you do. I hope that you start looking professional at work from today.

Bluntness100 · 10/09/2018 07:33

Actually there is a more serious side to this. If this is real and the same poster again, which seems highly likely. then the op is displaying obsessive behaviour towards this man, and has convinced herself the feelings are mutual, irrelevant of what he says or does to say otherwise.

You read about this sort of thing, where a stalker has convinced themselves someone is in love with them, when the subject of their attentions isn't remotely interested.

So if this is real, then I'd say the op is someone who needs help, as this is bordering on dangerous territory, for her, her family and this man.