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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is quite a lot to come up with?

231 replies

Hbcb333 · 08/09/2018 17:00

One of my best friends is getting married in a year and I’m one of the bridesmaids, although it is the maid of honour who is organising the hen do. We (those not organising but attending) have not been told anything about it in terms of location/duration/likely approximate cost etc until today when a message was sent to the group WhatsApp. It’s three days abroad and a deposit of £150 is required within a month from now, plus flights and obviously spending money. I’m panicking a bit as I’m a single parent and £150 is an awful lot of money to me, especially with only a month to pay. As for the rest, I can hopefully save it somehow over the next year but AIBU unreasonable to think this is a lot, especially the deposit and the time given to pay it? I can’t not go, as I said, I’m a bridesmaid and I would be devastated to not go to my dear friend’s hen do so I’ll have to make it happen somehow, I just feel really stressed and worried now!

OP posts:
Eliza9917 · 08/09/2018 17:02

The others probably feel the same too. Suggest in the WhatsApp group that you do something cheaper and I bet they all agree.

Holidayfromreal · 08/09/2018 17:03

Can you explain all that to your friend and see if she can sub you and you can £50 a month instead? It is a lot of money.

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 08/09/2018 17:03

What do they think is happening with your dc for 3 days?!

hidinginthenightgarden · 08/09/2018 17:04

I am a bridesmaid next year and am dreading this myself. If it is going to put strain on you then don't go. A good friend will understand. I certainly hope mine does as the organiser is pretty flash with cash so I already know it will be costly.

Original poster
Hbcb333 · 08/09/2018 17:05

Thanks you. It’s all meant to be a secret from my friend, the bride. I’ve only met the maid of honour who’s organising it once, so feel a bit awkward about saying anything, especially if everyone else is completely fine with it!

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Original poster
Hbcb333 · 08/09/2018 17:05

Yes the childcare is another issue!

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Original poster
Hbcb333 · 08/09/2018 17:05

*thank you

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Charley50 · 08/09/2018 17:07

Well luckily as you're a single parent you've got a get out clause 😜Wink

TeenTimesTwo · 08/09/2018 17:08

What's the total price? Say it is too much. People should not have to scrimp and save for a year to attend a pre-wedding bash.
What's wrong with a meal out or an evening in a pub?

WerewolfNumber1 · 08/09/2018 17:08

Honestly in every single one of these situations, at least half the people are worrying about the money but everybody feels embarrassed to raise it.

Be brave!

Reply all, right now, saying “Hi X, thanks for organising all this. What will the total cost be? I’m going to struggle to find the deposit so quickly, and really I need to think now about whether I can afford the final total costs - obviously as a single mum there’s not a lot of spare cash! Please let me know, thanks x”.

That’s polite, assertive, and gives everybody else an opening to speak up if it’s goung to be expensive.

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 08/09/2018 17:08

Say that! Say you need to know what’s going on because you’re a single parent and have a limited budget. Say you can’t find £150 in a month and you’re concerned this is just being sprung on you now. The chief bridesmaid is being very unreasonable.

Flyme21 · 08/09/2018 17:09

Don't mess about with excuses. Simple reply to all on the group "Thanks for the info. Unfortunately I can't afford to do that so am letting you know now that I won't be able to come. Have a lovely time everyone."
If £150 is an awful lot of money to you I'd be inclined to consider not doing the hen night at all. Whatever they come up with hen do's are rarely simple affairs these days, and you'll likely be expected to chip in for the bride. Just knock it on the head now. It's the wedding that's important.

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 08/09/2018 17:09

Don’t feel awkward, it’s not unreasonable to need actual details

7toGo · 08/09/2018 17:10

Wait til you find out you also need to pay to cover the bride’s place too.

I couldn’t believe it when I was told this was “the norm.”

Original poster
Hbcb333 · 08/09/2018 17:10

@WerewolfNumber1 that’s a really good response thank you

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Seniorcitizen1 · 08/09/2018 17:12

If you can’t afford it don’t go - these hen dos seem to be getting more and more elsborate and expensive. It surely is an invitation and is not compulsory.

Furx · 08/09/2018 17:13

Fucking hell, I’m not a single mum, and I earn above average for my area and I’d struggle to find £150 at the drop of a hat for anything non essential.

That’s a massive pisstake.

Flyme21 · 08/09/2018 17:13

I'm thinking do you really need to ask what the total cost is? You know it will be too much. £150, plus flights, plus spending money... then it will be plus some activities and plus split cost of bride's trip oh and maybe some costs from childcare. Don't put yourself through the anguish.

Darkstar4855 · 08/09/2018 17:14

YANBU! I was once invited on a hen weekend, it involved paying for flights, an expensive hotel, £100 in a kitty for t-shirts etc., activities and meals, plus I had to organise a fancy dress costume to bring. I worked out it was going to cost me over £500 (and that was before I also paid out for the wedding gift, travel, posh hotel room etc.).

I didn’t have a lot of money at that time so I ended up not going. I did feel bad at the time for letting the bride down but in hindsight I think actually if you choose to do something that expensive you have to accept that not everyone will be able to afford it - or will want to spend £100s on a hen weekend when they could be spending some of that time and money with their family.

I think I would be honest and ask if a cheaper option could be arranged. You may well not be the only one struggling.

MrsMozart · 08/09/2018 17:14

Flipping heck. This hen do lark is becoming ridiculously expensive. How are normal people meant to afford them?

Laiste · 08/09/2018 17:14

I'd be direct and upfront asap and do the simple
''i can't afford it folks! Sorry. You all go and have a great time of course, but can we arrange to do an additional do - something smaller like a night out nearer the wedding please?''

I'm willing to be you'll get a couple of others agreeing and preffering to do the smaller do too.

Laiste · 08/09/2018 17:15

There's an awful lot of do's and too's in my post Grin

Original poster
Hbcb333 · 08/09/2018 17:16

Just re read the message and yes we’re all paying for the bride too!

I’ve been brave and sent the response suggested by WerewolfNumber1 - cant help but feel like all the others will be rolling their eyes now but I really can’t afford all of that! Apparently there’s organised group activities etc every day so the whole thing is going to cost an absolute fortune

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Flyme21 · 08/09/2018 17:18

Screw it 333 you've got a lot better things to spend that money.

Original poster
Hbcb333 · 08/09/2018 17:21

@Flyme21 you’re right, I have. On top of everything, I only know the bride out of the whole group so the likelihood is that I end up spending a fortune to hang out with people I don’t know as I can’t expect to just be with the bride the whole time. I’m quite introverted so that’s not at all my idea of a good time. Really best I don’t go. Thanks everyone.

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