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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is quite a lot to come up with?

231 replies

Hbcb333 · 08/09/2018 17:00

One of my best friends is getting married in a year and I’m one of the bridesmaids, although it is the maid of honour who is organising the hen do. We (those not organising but attending) have not been told anything about it in terms of location/duration/likely approximate cost etc until today when a message was sent to the group WhatsApp. It’s three days abroad and a deposit of £150 is required within a month from now, plus flights and obviously spending money. I’m panicking a bit as I’m a single parent and £150 is an awful lot of money to me, especially with only a month to pay. As for the rest, I can hopefully save it somehow over the next year but AIBU unreasonable to think this is a lot, especially the deposit and the time given to pay it? I can’t not go, as I said, I’m a bridesmaid and I would be devastated to not go to my dear friend’s hen do so I’ll have to make it happen somehow, I just feel really stressed and worried now!

OP posts:
gottastopeatingchocolate · 09/09/2018 15:47

Well done, OP!!
May I suggest a name change to HenDoHero?!

DarlingNikita · 09/09/2018 17:28

Good for you for speaking up, OP. Sometimes it just takes one person to dare and then everyone else feels they can chip in too.

Rebecca, taking out a loan to go on a hen do Hmm

tashac89 · 09/09/2018 17:37

That's...a lot of money. As MOH for my recently engaged best friend, my gift to her is paying for the hen night so no one she cares about has to miss out. It's too much to ask, people have other more important stuff to pay for.

erinaceus · 09/09/2018 17:42

Well done OP! That was brave of you to speak up and facilitate other people doing the same.

I hope something affordable for all of you can be organised.

LEELULUMPKIN · 09/09/2018 17:44

These Hen holidays, for that is what they really are, have gotten totally out of hand. It's all just showing off and trying to outdo other folk. Give me a night round the town or a meal out any day. Perfectly sufficient.

Eljkr · 09/09/2018 17:45

Unfoetunately I was in the same situation recently

I was sent a WhatsApp saying ‘this is the date, this is the time, these are the flight details, this is the price for accomodation’ So far cost £300 without any spending money or activities. I always said money wasn’t the issue and she is a close friend but I looked at a flight that took off 20 minutes earlier that was £50 cheaper. The airport they chose is 1 hour away to take off at 5am. And the flights are mid week! It’s totally wasn’t thought through and no one else was taken into consideration. Also paying for the bride!

Especially annoying as my hen do is a month later and I know that everyone’s date availability and budgets were taken into consideration! (Plus I’m paying for myself) and the only person who has been awkward about the price is the bride of the hen do above!

Some people hey! No advice but I feel your pain!

lindyloo57 · 09/09/2018 17:48

you have done the right thing, let us know how she respond.

Jux · 09/09/2018 17:51

I feel for your generation, 333. When I was the age where there were lots of weddings, hen does were a night out - pre-drinks somewhere fancy, then very posh dinner, then maybe a club but often now. Simple, memorable, and a bit special.

VanGoghsDog · 09/09/2018 17:55

Well done OP!

I didn't go to my best friend's hen do, because whoever was organising it was pissing around I can't be bothered with that faff - it wasn't anywhere near as expensive (meal, cocktails and club in London) but it was a lot to spend on something I didn't want to do, with people I didn't know who were already behaving very oddly.

She still asks me, 12 years later, why I didn't go. Luckily I can still recall my excuse was that I was working in Manchester that day and could not get back for it. I wasn't, but I did work in Manchester frequently at the time and it was winter, so it was plausible. I nearly didn't go tot he wedding, but in the end I did, my then-bf persuaded me I would regret it if I didn't go.

MrsBizzyBody · 09/09/2018 17:55

Sound like you are escaping a horrific affair. I hate going to these things where you are made to spend a ridiculous amount on something you have little interest in with people you will probably find objectionable (sounds like the final tally would equate to a nice week away for you and your bubba-which if you had the money would be a better use) it’s ridiculous and grotesque spending such a ridiculous amount of money on a hen weekend. The best nights are always about great company not a show of how much money you spent. This is all on top of the costs of going to a wedding which often includes travel a night away in a hotel and a gift. I think you are wise to recognise living within your means and not get drawn into spending money you aren’t comfortable with. Stick to your guns x

LeftRightCentre · 09/09/2018 17:58

Why enable it then, Elk? Just say no. 'Sorry, I can't make it.'

ResistanceIsNecessary · 09/09/2018 18:00

Blimey, my hen do feels positively old-fashioned! I had a night out round the local town, complete with net curtain veil and L plates. We started at 8pm so everyone could eat at home beforehand as it was cheaper than a restaurant meal. Everyone paid for their own drinks and taxis home.

LeftRightCentre · 09/09/2018 18:00

And what's this shit about paying for the bride. What a pisstake! 'Spend hundreds of pounds on a holiday for ME, ME, ME! Oh, and pay for me, too.'

ResistanceIsNecessary · 09/09/2018 18:02

And what's this shit about paying for the bride. What a pisstake!

Completely agree. Someone else has chosen to get married; that doesn't entitle them to have everything paid for them. If you can't afford a big wedding then you need to scale your expectations back.

keyboardkate · 09/09/2018 18:02

The next big trend will be.... a low key fun and affordable hen do. One night only!

Every other tacky expensive thing has been done to death now, time for a row back to things that people will actually enjoy, can afford to attend, and everyone will be so appreciative of your low key tastes!

(Same goes for ott weddings an destinations, but that's another story).

WerewolfNumber1 · 09/09/2018 18:22

@RuggerHug - no money poem, just a wedding list that was sent to their families first, who bought the cheaper options. By the time we saw it the cheapest thing on there was £195!

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/09/2018 18:24

Good on you for saying something. The hen dos, which make it on here sound ridiculous. Surely the intelligent thing before making arrangements is to discuss the budget with the other hens. Hmm

Eljkr - oh the irony!

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/09/2018 18:26

Werewolf
Why did you spend all that money though? No one forced you to attend the hen and stag dos and pre wedding get together or her pjs for that matter.
You didn’t buy the £195 gift, did you?

butterflysugarbaby · 09/09/2018 18:34

Blimey, what happened to going for a few bevvies at the local pub (for a hen-do?!) Confused

I'm so glad I am too old (and too married) to be a bridesmaid, and I have no young and single female friends - all married or divorced or widowed!!!

Could NOT be arsed with this 'no change out of a grand' hen-dos...'

Sorry I am no help OP. I think all you can say is you have no money to spare.

WerewolfNumber1 · 09/09/2018 18:36

@Mummyoflittledragon - it was one of those things where costs just kept going up. We’d never have agreed if they’d said it would cost that much at the beginning.

Definitely made us both more assertive about asking for the total cost and saying if things are more than we want to spend.

soeasilylost · 09/09/2018 18:36

Hen “nights” have just got soooo out of hand”. I married 16 years ago so things were a little different but made the decision with bridesmaids that one hen do doesn’t suit all so had 3!!! Before I get blasted all 3 were cheap and cheerful and open to everyone or anyone who fancied them. The best I have to say was a camping weekend in the lakes. 10 girls, 4 tents, a very local pub lots of alcohol and a whole lot of fun. Think it cost about £50 each for the whole weekend (including food & drink) Other 2 were in my local town for basic meal and drinks but an amazing time and the final was in my birth town with friends family and anyone who wanted to come. Some came to all, some 1 or 2 but everyone happy and no one broke the bank but everyone had a chance to celebrate and join in. Obviously I attended all 3. Hope it all works out and you all have a fab time x

LeftRightCentre · 09/09/2018 18:38

(Same goes for ott weddings an destinations, but that's another story)

Oh, one of my cousins tried that. Then he got all pissed off when nearly everyone declined. Such a cheek to expect that out of people.

StrangeLookingParasite · 09/09/2018 18:40

DH’s best friend’s wedding cost us £3,870 in total.

Holy fucking balls.

My 'hen night' - huh, me, the stb husband, our best man and my MOH went to dinner at a Japanese restaurant.
But I am an old bag, too.

Gemini69 · 09/09/2018 18:44

well done for speaking up OP.. Flowers

butterflysugarbaby · 09/09/2018 18:48

@werewolfno1

OK I just want to horrify people by saying....DH’s best friend’s wedding cost us £3,870 in total.

Stag abroad, hen abroad, wedding timings required 2 nights stay, only hotel in area v expensive, strict dress code for wedding required two new outfits...

We didn’t get a holiday that year.

THAT YEAR?

Some people would not have had a holiday for 6 or 7 years if they were batshit enough to stump up nearly FOUR GRAND for someone else's wedding and hen do/stag night!