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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is quite a lot to come up with?

231 replies

Hbcb333 · 08/09/2018 17:00

One of my best friends is getting married in a year and I’m one of the bridesmaids, although it is the maid of honour who is organising the hen do. We (those not organising but attending) have not been told anything about it in terms of location/duration/likely approximate cost etc until today when a message was sent to the group WhatsApp. It’s three days abroad and a deposit of £150 is required within a month from now, plus flights and obviously spending money. I’m panicking a bit as I’m a single parent and £150 is an awful lot of money to me, especially with only a month to pay. As for the rest, I can hopefully save it somehow over the next year but AIBU unreasonable to think this is a lot, especially the deposit and the time given to pay it? I can’t not go, as I said, I’m a bridesmaid and I would be devastated to not go to my dear friend’s hen do so I’ll have to make it happen somehow, I just feel really stressed and worried now!

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 08/09/2018 18:04

I can’t not go

Of course you can not go! What if this hen do was going to cost £5,000? You'd say no, wouldn't you? Well, whatever this is going to cost is still going to be too expensive for you, so you say "sorry, can't go"

BlueThesaurusRex · 08/09/2018 18:05

Well done for speaking up- I guarantee others in the whatsapp group will thank you for it! (I see one already has!)

TheDishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 08/09/2018 18:05

Even if you could afford it and weren't a single parent this would really annoy me. I hate people who spend other people's money like this with no consideration of whether they can afford it or whether they want to spend that much.

TheDishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 08/09/2018 18:06

I can guarantee almost everyone else will be thinking the same

ShinyPinkLipgloss · 08/09/2018 18:09

I think you’ve done the right thing.

I’m sure the money could be put to much better use that would benefit you and your child.

I’m a complete introvert and have (thankfully) never been invited to a hen do - I dread the day I am and will definitely be finding excuses not to go regardless of it being abroad or not!

LollyPopsApple · 08/09/2018 18:11

Glad you spoke up OP: no decent friend would ever be anything other than understanding if you couldn’t afford their hen do.

They’re totally outta hand now. Hundreds of pounds and weekends or weeks away, when they could easily just be a day or an evening out. Whether you go or not is no reflection on your friendship!

I could probably afford to go to something like this but I’d have to cut back elsewhere or it’d impact me saving for a house, just to go on a girls trip, so I probably wouldn’t do it.

Friendship is about reciprocal support and love, being there for one another, keeping in touch, being a listening ear if she gets cold feet, celebrating with her in whatever way is doable for you, even if it’s free (a bottle of wine and a takeaway at home one evening before the wedding). It’s not about spending hundreds you can or can’t afford on a weekend away!

Confusedbeetle · 08/09/2018 18:11

Quite ridiculous. Just say can't go, too expensive etc. What is it about bloody Hen Dos?

HildaZelda · 08/09/2018 18:14

Hen dos are a complete joke aren't they? This is one of the reasons why I refused to have one. A friend of mine got married last year and for her hen 10 of us went out for dinner and drinks afterwards in our own city and it was one of the best hen nights I've ever had. Everybody was relaxed and in a good mood because there was no huge financial pressure.

Merryoldgoat · 08/09/2018 18:15

These things are ridiculous. I arranged my friends hen a few months ago.

It was ONE full day, there were three bits and if you attended the full day the TOTAL was about £80. Everyone had the option of just doing the bits they could afford, everyone knew the cost upfront, deposit was £10 if they did the activity and we didn’t pay for the hen and she didn’t want us to.

It was fab, local, and we got a taxi home.

Mine was at my house.

Well don’t for standing your ground - you’ll find others feel the same.

Tistheseason17 · 08/09/2018 18:16

Good fro you for speaking up.
I went to a hen-do and the MOH was fab and organised it in sections so you could commit to as little or as much as you liked

There were 2 nights in a rented house and you could stay 1/2/or no nights if you liked. Then we all voted on what to do the next day - cheerleading dance session was hysterical!

Then we all went out to a comedy night/club/disco - which we'd voted on.

Some people went to everything and some just came to the comedy club and meal.

Why oh why do some hen dos turn into expensive extravaganzas!!!

Merryoldgoat · 08/09/2018 18:17

Well done (obv)

Petalflowers · 08/09/2018 18:19

If £150 is the deposit, what is the total cost?!

I think it’s out of order for chief hens to expect people to pay several hundreds of pounds without any discussion first. In my day, a hen night was just that, a night. Ie. Meal and maybe a pub crawl. None of these fancy week away trips.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 08/09/2018 18:20

Well done, it's quite liberating to say no sometimes, isn't it? It must feel much better than spending the next few months stressing about finding the money.

Gersemi · 08/09/2018 18:20

Just say you can't do it, and unless they row right back on this you will have to bow out of the hen do completely. If you don't know the other people going, frankly you won't be missing out on anything much. Arrange to go out with the bride on your own for a nice meal or something.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 08/09/2018 18:22

A three day hen party abroad is too much.
By about 2 days and 450 miles

Original poster
Hbcb333 · 08/09/2018 18:23

Well I think I’ve started something now, two other people are saying they can’t afford it. I’ve sent another message asking if we can do something cheaper, for one day/night in this country. i imagine the maid of honour is cursing me now!!

OP posts:
ShalomJackie · 08/09/2018 18:24

See that other person probably breathed a big sigh of relief when she saw your message and joined in straightaway too!

I assume bride knows there is a "hen do" planned just not what it is.

I may be inclined to say sorry I can't join you on the hen do - perhaps we can go for lunch/afternoon tea separately beforehand.

Merryoldgoat · 08/09/2018 18:25

You’ll be the favourite now!!

OftenHangry · 08/09/2018 18:25

Good on you OP!
You just saved another guests as well as yourself.

Rebecca36 · 08/09/2018 18:27

I do feel for you. Do you have parents who would lend it to you or give it, say, as an early Christmas present?

Sometimes firms loan employees money at very low rates (my previous firm did), if yours does it would be worth asking. It's not a great deal of money, indeed you could ask for more and put the rest by.

Justnoclue · 08/09/2018 18:27

WELL DONE OP and perfect text suggestion by the PP who put it.

So many times in these circumstances nobody speaks up when everyone feels the same. Bloody well done you!!! GrinStarWine

Original poster
Hbcb333 · 08/09/2018 18:28

Rebecca36, thank you but no, I’m not going to take out a loan

OP posts:
Dollymixture22 · 08/09/2018 18:30

Well done. It’s a lot of money for a holiday you have no control over! The maid of honour should have given everyone a few options and agreed a rough budget. It’s a bit thoughtless.

Tistheseason17 · 08/09/2018 18:31

Sometimes firms loan employees money at very low rates (my previous firm did), if yours does it would be worth asking. It's not a great deal of money, indeed you could ask for more and put the rest by

This is seriously bad advice.

RandomMess · 08/09/2018 18:32

Well done you it's ridiculous to assume other people can afford to spend so much!