To think this is quite a lot to come up with?

[Hbcb333]

One of my best friends is getting married in a year and I’m one of the bridesmaids, although it is the maid of honour who is organising the hen do. We (those not organising but attending) have not been told anything about it in terms of location/duration/likely approximate cost etc until today when a message was sent to the group WhatsApp. It’s three days abroad and a deposit of £150 is required within a month from now, plus flights and obviously spending money. I’m panicking a bit as I’m a single parent and £150 is an awful lot of money to me, especially with only a month to pay. As for the rest, I can hopefully save it somehow over the next year but AIBU unreasonable to think this is a lot, especially the deposit and the time given to pay it? I can’t not go, as I said, I’m a bridesmaid and I would be devastated to not go to my dear friend’s hen do so I’ll have to make it happen somehow, I just feel really stressed and worried now!

Come back and let us know what the alternative is op!

Hello, the next option is now two nights in the uk, for £160 accommodation only, no meals/drinks etc. included in that. A few people have agreed to this so I might go along with it even though I still think it’s a bit expensive! Or maybe just go for a day and a meal? Fortunately the city they’ve chosen is not too far from where I live!

That’s fab news OP. Still expensive though.

Well, it is better, but still a bit silly. People will already be spending money on the wedding, new outfit, gift, travel etc., but maybe someone else will object?

I still think you could suggest a really good night out for that sort of money, without hotel etc where you'll also have to consider breakfast, and getting up and out the next day.

And why TWO nights?

How did she take all the rejections op? This is better because you can do 1 night now it's closer if you want to. Let's see what activities she adds on now! I can see it costing the same overall!!

A friend and I were once invited by MOH (sis of bride who I'd only met once) last minute to another friends hen do weekend in Newcastle.

We didn't want to go due to money, as neither of us were flush, but we felt obliged as we were good friends with the bride - and we hadn't realised at that point we were last minute invitee's! But it soon became glaringly obvious that we had only been invited by the MOH to make up numbers and costs for people who had clearly dropped out, as we heard the bride quizzing the MOH where certain other people were.

That weekend cost us SO much money for the coach, hotel, meals in fancy restaurants, silly fancy dress outfits, entry to expensive clubs, stupidly overpriced drinks in said clubs, taxis to & from hotel, etc etc.

But what really added insult to injury was that we knew none of the other hens apart from the bride and despite our efforts to get chatting to them on the coach, we were ignored completely the entire time by all of them, apart from when they were demanding money from us to square up for meals/drinks... and I mean rudely demanding, not politely asking.

We even endured dirty looks, whispering & sniggers, shoulder barges leaving no space at for us at breakfast time around the hotel table reserved for the hen party, and then towards the end of the last night they even started leaving us out of drinks rounds.

We'd done absolutely nothing to these people. Even holding back from airing our views so as not to upset the bride, even though she allowed her nasty friends and relatives to treat us like that.

So friend and I left the club on the last night after being omitted from another round of drinks, took a taxi to a nicer bar for a more relaxing nightcap and then went back to the hotel.

When the overly-drunk hens arrived back at the hotel we were called all manner of names for daring to leave, exclaiming that we should've been grateful for being invited along!

The coach ride back was frosty and I couldn't wait to get home. I deeply regretted spending that much money on such an unenjoyable event with people who I didnt know that treated us like unwelcome gatecrashers.

Then once home we were told by the bride we weren't even invited to the wedding anyway, so not sure why MOH had invited us.

I distanced myself from the bride after that ordeal. And I've never been on another hem night. I didn't even have a hen do for my own wedding.

AhHaaa that's awful!

OP, I would honestly go for the day, if you are near enough. I agree that it's still a lot of money to spend to be with people you don't really know.

That’s disgusting AhaHaa- some people are complete bitches.

I don't understand why hen dos have to be so extreme! Why can't it just be a place with a Travelodge near to a place to eat and a few pubs/club so that no one has to worry about cabs home? Then a nice breakfast to laugh about the night before.

Hello, the next option is now two nights in the uk, for £160 accommodation only, no meals/drinks etc. included in that. A few people have agreed to this so I might go along with it even though I still think it’s a bit expensive! Or maybe just go for a day and a meal? Fortunately the city they’ve chosen is not too far from where I live!

That's still fucking ridiculous. You'll be expected to go along with all the drinks/meals and pay for the bride. What a pisstake. I can't believe anyone finds that at all reasonable. Why does it have to require nights away? I'd for the day and meal and plead childcare issues.

I still think that’s a lot. Drinks and meals, plus daytime entertainment could easily double that cost. Going for a day and meal is a good compromise.

Or maybe just go for a day and a meal? Fortunately the city they’ve chosen is not too far from where I live!

You're a single mum. Quite frankly, anyone who doesn't get that, and understand how difficult that can make life for you, doesn't matter.

Go for the day and the meal. Surely even that will be tricky to get cover for.

Text back - 'sounds great, I'll be there on [Satur]day and for the evening meal, as that is all I'm able to get babysitting for. Looking forward to it, and thanks so much for organising!'

You need to know what is expected of you money wise what are the activities going to be fancy dress the list goes on I would reply asking for a more detailed breakdown personally again you aren't alone in thinking these things and I bet again once you ask others will chime in. Good luck

I agree with LeftRight, go for the day and sleep at home. I can't think of anything more grim than enforced jollity for two days and nights with a load of pissed women who only have in common that they know the bride.

the answer would still be a NO from me

That could easily run to £300 because they'll be going out, doing kittys and such. Not to mention, I'd wager London to a brick the accommodation is sharing with another person at the least. Now don't get me wrong, I've room shared with friends and even shared a bed, but with very close friends, I wouldn't want to with someone I don't even know.

Dowager's response is perfect.

Why don't you suggest to her that she asks people about their budget before telling you all what to do?

I agree, Dowagers responses is spot on.

Hen 'nights' are so different from years ago when we would dress up go out and have a laugh.

It appears that some are more about showing off - the flashier the better. Then lots of FB posts oh look what we have done. Bit sad really when surely it should be an opportunity to have fun with bride to be not a competition and leave some people out of pocket - no wonder so many people have debt problems nowadays everything seems to have to be 'showy' - hen weekends, flash weddings, make up isn't enough (need fake lashes, brows spray tans, fake nails etc) don't get me started on the ridiculous school 'prom' spending competition!

I hope you would get your own room for £80 a night!

It is expensive to book a place for the weekend. If I were you, I’d try and go, if you can afford it.

If not, just go for part.

I was a bridesmaid to a friend years ago. All the other bridesmaids/hens worked together. They all decided at work together that we should go abroad for a long weekend hen do. I felt that I had to agree, as they'd already decided & I didn't want to not be there. They said that they'd found cheap flights & hotel, so wouldn't cost much, so I agreed & paid up. Then over next couple of months they decided to do fancy dress on 2 nights, printed Tshirts, even a bloody party bus to take us to/from the airport & of course paying for the bride (inc all these extras). In the end going on her hen do cost me nearly £650! (that was around 10yrs ago). I could afford a holiday away with my DP that year as if spent so much. Learn from my mistake & say no. The costs will just keep adding up.
Maybe suggest they either do something cheaper in UK or a night out when they're back from the hen do abroad. A lot of ppl do that, so those who can't make the weekend away for whatever reason can still kind of join in.

Bloody hell, what happened to going for a curry and then a night in a pub?

That's still going to end up at well over £400 though!

£160 accommodation
£20 for 2 x hotel breakfasts
£30 for 2 x lunches
£60 for 2 x dinners
£20 transport (at a guess)
£50 on drinks (hotel prices!)

Then... spa? Activities? Extras? A share of the brides costs? Easily another £100+.