To think this is quite a lot to come up with?

[Hbcb333]

One of my best friends is getting married in a year and I’m one of the bridesmaids, although it is the maid of honour who is organising the hen do. We (those not organising but attending) have not been told anything about it in terms of location/duration/likely approximate cost etc until today when a message was sent to the group WhatsApp. It’s three days abroad and a deposit of £150 is required within a month from now, plus flights and obviously spending money. I’m panicking a bit as I’m a single parent and £150 is an awful lot of money to me, especially with only a month to pay. As for the rest, I can hopefully save it somehow over the next year but AIBU unreasonable to think this is a lot, especially the deposit and the time given to pay it? I can’t not go, as I said, I’m a bridesmaid and I would be devastated to not go to my dear friend’s hen do so I’ll have to make it happen somehow, I just feel really stressed and worried now!

You've done the right thing. And I bet a few of the hens will agree with you.

I do wonder how it can not have ever occured to any of these people organising that money might be an issue for some people, or that, even if they can afford it, they might not actually want to spend that much money on something like this.

Whatever happened to a good night out?

Good for you for sending that message. Don't feel bad if you can't go. I can't imagine that you will be the only one.

Of course you don't have to go.

Just say you don't have childcare, and that it's way out of your budget. Or even just say "I won't be able to make it" and give no reason. No-one needs to go to a hen do. It's just an expensive break with emotional guilt layered on top.

Look at your kids. Can you justify denying them hundreds of pounds? If you have to cut back on family spending to go on this I'd actually think you were making a pretty shitty choice as a mother - a weekend of drinking instead of paying for things for your kids? Why would you even feel obligated to do that?

If you had loads of cash to spare and brilliant childcare fair enough. But not if you're going to struggle.

The whole group won't be rolling their eyes at least 3 or 4 will be relived someone has spoken! This things always spiral I'm sure the maid of honour means well but think long and hard before you sign up!

Good for you for saying something.

I probably could afford it-but it wouldn't be what I wanted to spend money on.

Hen NIGHT would be enough for me.

Well, maybe a bit of a day & a night out.

Weekend/overnights-no thanks!

I doubt anyone will be rolling their eyes, and will probably thank you for airing it. They may well be worried too. I think it’s very unfair when people organise things with no consideration of the fact that others have different incomes, and may also not want to be open about how much, or little, money they have.

My hen do was a meal in a nice gastro pub. My best friend’s was an evening at her house. Another friend went to the hen do of a friend’s daughter - that was an afternoon making chocolates.

All three were great fun and a lovely memory for the brides and for all their friends - which is a long winded way of saying that hen dos don’t have to be vastly expensive or extravagant.

@Hbcb333 - I think you have dealt with this in a very sensible and grown up fashion, and I hope the organiser is equally reasonable.

You absolutely don't have to go. Your friend - the bride - will understand.

We all need to start saying when stuff's too expensive, and admit we can't afford things. It is really liberating when you start saying it. Lots of people then agree, usually. And something equally nice but more realistically priced usually takes its place.

I couldn't bear being with a whole group I didn't know, bet there are others who feel the same.

It seems very selfish to me. What would the bride think of these plans? Surely, the main point of a hen do is for friends and close family to all gather together and have an enjoyable and memorable time and pre-marriage celebration? Why does it always have to be something abroad and/or expensive - something that, even if the hens COULD afford it, close as they may be to the bride, they would most probably want to do with their DH/DP and kids - and if they don't have a DH/DP, whoever would be able to and want to leave their kids at home to go off on an overseas minibreak?

Blimey, remember the days when a hen do was just a few drinks down the local? Maybe a Chinese or a nightclub? Those were the days.

You could be my DD she is a SP and a similar thing just happened to her 3 days abroad and my DD said straight way I'm sorry I can't afford it and I can't arrange child care. There are 2 others in the group who are also not wanting to pay but are too scared to speak up.

Three years ago she had a similar hen party which started out with a £300 cost everything all in, but snowballed to over £500 with bits that were added along the way and actual costs over the weekend.

Good on you Op!

There is no way I'd be committing £150 without knowing what the total cost will be - she could be planning anything!!

Bloody hell! When did a hen do turn into an expensive 3 day event? What's wrong with a curry and a pint in Wetherspoons?

You've done the right thing, OP.

I've spent a fortune on these things in my day, and although I enjoyed some of them, it was never how I really wanted to spend my money. Now I have DS I would just say no (which doesn't arise now everyone has DC and also can't justify the spending).

If the bride is any kind of friend she will totally understand.

OP what did they reply? Ive just been through something similar and had to go 🙄 I'm now £500 overdrawn luckily I can make that up over the next couple of months and it's 0% interest. But that was with me saving in advance, being careful etc there was just loads of unknown costs and "extras" we "had" to chip in to when we got there. So fucking annoying.

She’s not replied although someone else in the group has sent a message echoing what I’ve said! So you were right, I’m not the only one! I actually think if my friend, the bride, knew the stress this was causing she’d be mortified, she’s very kind and down to earth and would hate this! I’m sure she’d prefer to do something cheaper that we could all go to, but we’re sworn to secrecy!

You really need to be honest. Ask how much the total is, and if it is a lot as I suspect it will be, say it is too much. There will be others who feel the same.

Don't go... my sisters hens is next week, I'm maid of honour but I cannot afford to go (It's 4 days in Amsterdam) so I told her that and she's fine about it.

Just back out now! I know you've asked for total costs but seriously, it will be a fortune. Plus, childcare. 'That all sounds lovely but due to childcare issues and budgeting I'm afraid I won't be able to make it.' Job done. If the bride doesn't understand she's not much of a friend, tbh.

Good on you for speaking up. I definitely wouldn’t be able to afford it with a months notice.

Hopefully others will back you up and something else can be arranged.

It's an invite not a summons,you don't have to go...you can say no I can't afford...maid of honour should checked what people could afford first ,she's a CF

I'd rather spend the money on my kids than go with people I might not even get on with. I'd be wishing I was back home the minute I got there