To think this is quite a lot to come up with?

[Hbcb333]

One of my best friends is getting married in a year and I’m one of the bridesmaids, although it is the maid of honour who is organising the hen do. We (those not organising but attending) have not been told anything about it in terms of location/duration/likely approximate cost etc until today when a message was sent to the group WhatsApp. It’s three days abroad and a deposit of £150 is required within a month from now, plus flights and obviously spending money. I’m panicking a bit as I’m a single parent and £150 is an awful lot of money to me, especially with only a month to pay. As for the rest, I can hopefully save it somehow over the next year but AIBU unreasonable to think this is a lot, especially the deposit and the time given to pay it? I can’t not go, as I said, I’m a bridesmaid and I would be devastated to not go to my dear friend’s hen do so I’ll have to make it happen somehow, I just feel really stressed and worried now!

Sometimes firms loan employees money at very low rates (my previous firm did), if yours does it would be worth asking. It's not a great deal of money, indeed you could ask for more and put the rest by

Misplaced humour? That might even have been a bit funny under different circumstances. I do get it, but it doesn't hit the spot.

I just don't understand these sorts of hen/ stag parties! So much pressure on everyone to spend so much money. I wonder if people forget that it's actually the wedding and marriage that's important?

I had to decline going to a friends hen- 4 days abroad, some ridiculous amount of money. She had another, smaller, local hen. Also couldn't make that one but it still cost just over £100 per person (for a meal and cocktails) once they'd paid for the hen's share, t shirts, and decorations covered in willies

20 years ago I was invited to uni friends hen do. MOH (sister) emailed details.
£50 all in, a deal in a hotel, just needed to buy some extra drinks. I didn’t have lots of money but I thought I would have to push the boat out. So I agreed and book train tickets as it was over 200 miles away.
Another email - no drinks included. Ok.
Another email - forgot it doesn’t include dinner. Ok
Another email - it doesn’t include the room (WTF).
Another email - you have to get a room on your own as you are the odd number.
£50 had now turned into close to £250 plus my travel. Assume more extras too.

So I dropped out and got loads of grief from MOH.
It was pre-Facebook so didn’t know who had gone, assumed everyone else from uni had gone and felt left out.
Get to wedding - NO ONE had gone except a few of brides work colleagues and loads of MOH mates.

I think some people forget the point is to have a bit of fun with your mates.

I'm always the one who doesn't go, no only because I can't justify the expense, but because I don't actually enjoy spending time with people I barely now in intense bursts and paying for the privilege. Plus, we've never taken our children abroad and don't have much family time so I don't feel it's appropriate for me to do those things alone.

When ever I've pulled out, others follow suit. You won't be alone in panicking.

If it doesn't get rearranged (which it likely will now- I've known friends be in similar positions) I'd explain to the bride why you can't make that one- however if she does a second for the people that can't make it you'll be there! Lots of brides that have a hen abroad have a low key local hen do

I think more people need to be honest like you op. The amount that probably just agree out of politeness is probably high.

A hen do or stag do to me is a day or night, maybe both. But it's not several days and nights and abroad at that too. That's excessive and pointless.

Did MOH actually reply with the total cost? Just curious to know how much she was expecting you all to pay!

Originally, it was a hen night I had my hen night in 1985. We all met up at the ridiculously early hour to start drinking, of 6pm, With a table booked at 8.30pm at a very nearby Indian restaurant, so plenty of time to get well oiled and then drink a bit more with the meal.
A fairly noisy and enjoyable and very sociable Indian Banquet,
I paid for the food, and a half bottle of wine per person. Any additional bottles of vino had to be purchased by whomsoever wanted more. It cost me around 300 squids, all that time ago.

It would not have entered my mind, to have my friends fork out for my celebration.. There were one or two who might have taken the piss and continued ordering yet another bottle, But I put some rules in place in anticipation.

Nowadays, Hen nights have turned into hen weekends, and now, inexplicably, hen WEEKS!!

OP you have my total sympathy - Hens are out of control. I’ve been on several over the last few years on all budgets.

One wedding ultimately cost me over £600 in total. The bridal party and MOH organised Hen Number 1 - a weekend away in a cottage. Ok sounded sweet. (I will add there was 8 of us, all new each other so no hanging out with strangers. Then the price starts rolling in:
The cottage
Transport (I.e petrol Kitty essentially rather than everyone taking a car)
Dinner out
A spa day
Extra spa treatment for bride
Night out - club and drinks
Minibus for night out
Fancy dress washes etc for night out
Food Kitty
Alcohol kitty

Then of course, hen party number 2 (this time with everyone she knew on the planet)
Club entry, cocktail bar costs
New Tops and sashes
A boat during the day before the club

Hotel the night before wedding (I wasn’t even a bridesmaid, but my reassuring message was that bride still wanted me there night before for celebrations)
So had to pay hotel room,dinner, contribute to champagne for bride, put money in for Brides gift of new dressing gown and Pjs

Plus of course, then there was the wedding itself which of course means an outfit, a gift and a taxi home. That was a bloody expensive year.

I think te nicest one I ever went to (which I actually helped organise) - we arranged one night in a airb&b - (30 pounds each for the night) then did a supermarket shop for food which everyone contributed a tenner too. Everyone bought along sharing drinks, and we just did games and had a laugh. So simple yet probably the best one I’ve been on

@WildfirePonie no, she’s not replied at all. Eight people have now said they can’t afford it (and only one has said she can) so I expect she’s looking at cheaper options! Hopefully something I can go to after all

Great!

I do love a MN / Hen Do / suggestions of what to text thread!

I get so fed up of the expenses and dramas of weddings. When I was a kid there was usually an engagement party in the Legion followed by a stag/hen NIGHT (not week or weekend) again usually in the Legion (chicken and chips in a basket/stag tied to railings/tacky stripper etc) and sore heads the next day because the stag/hen night was usually the night before the wedding!

Yanbu.
I was in a similar position when the MOH wanted us all to pay £350 for a night in a travelodge, a stripper in the travelodge (I kid you not!) a night club booth with one bottle of vodka between 8.
It didn’t include food, or travel.
Luckily when 6 of theb8 said they couldn’t afford it she had a word with herself!

This is why I organised my own hen do and consulted with everyone beforehand - it’s awkward trying to tell a load of strangers you can’t afford something. I hope she plans something more affordable.

For my friend's hen do last year we booked a private room at a local bar/restaurant, had a great meal, a few games then a dance. Nothing fancy, with the private room decorated with things the bride liked. We had a great laugh and a great night for not a lot of money.

Oh god, I had this years ago when I was in my early 20s, recently graduated and not a lot of cash. Wedding was far away so already involved flight, hotel and car hire - which I'd just booked when I got the hen do details through. It wasn't abroad but 3 nights in a 4 star hotel, so about £3-400 before I'd even got there. It was a similar request for a deposit but having just spent all I had on getting to the actual wedding I had to say sorry I don't have the money for this. I spoke to bride and said I was sorry but couldn't afford what had been arranged, without giving her details obviously. She was fine and later arranged a second hen night meal for those that didn't go, so I wasn't the only one.

These hen and stag weekends are so silly in my opinion! If I have a hen it will be a single day or night do and local - so the cost of a night out not a bloody holiday. I just don't understand it, attending a wedding alone can be pricey enough why would you want your guests to have to shell out for a hen holiday too?

It's ridiculous. Don't go and say that 3 days is too expensive and too much time away from your dcs.

I got married in May. I organised my own hen as I knew everyones budget and planned it according to that. We had a meal in town then drinks after. Had a lovely time, everyone who said they were coming came and I was thoroughly spoilt.

Just contact who is organising it, say you can't afford it or arrange childcare. Do it via the WhatsApp group so everyone can see and I guarantee that others will feel the same.

If I were the bride I would be devastated that this was being organised in my name and my bridesmaid couldn't afford to go. Offer to organise another more local hen for those that can't afford the 3 day trip. A meal and drinks is absolutely fine IMO.

Well done, OP, and I'm really glad to hear that everyone else is now agreeing with you. I also think it's ridiculous to be sworn to secrecy. I can see that it's nice to keep some parts as a surprise for the bride, but I think she needs to know that the MOH is planning a 3 night overseas trip and decide whether she's okay with that. Personally I would be horrified if someone thought it was okay to do that for my hen party.

Well done, OP! Your message has opened the floodgates and now hopefully the MOH will rethink her idea! Hen parties just need to have the people you want there, it's all you need.

Mine last year was going to an attraction for the day (about £30 entry) in optional fancy dress. Yes, people had to travel and some had to stay overnight, as my friends and family don't all live in the same town unfortunately, and there was a meal at a chain restaurant, but that was it. I stayed in a hotel myself near the attraction and paid for myself. My hens paid for my ticket unexpectedly, as there were about 15 of them it was only a couple of extra pounds. I'm hoping the whole thing came in well under a hundred quid for most of them and would have been mortified if it had been any more.

I don't really get how hen nights have turned into hen weekends (or more, my cousin went away on a hen week not so long ago). I'm happy for my friends who get married but not to the extent of devoting hundreds of pounds and entire weekends to marking the fact that they are going to!

Isn’t the average spend to attend a wedding for a couple over a grand? I thought I saw that in the paper a few months ago.

I can well believe it is even more than that when you’ve both been on hen/stag as well.

Fucking abroad weddings, fucking abroad hen sorties, what’s wrong with getting married in London when 90% of your guests live in London, grumble grumble grumble.

It's over the top, overly expensive indulgence. I had my hen do at our local City's bars on a weekend afternoon, then a meal for anyone who could afford it afterwards. My friends are from all walks of life and I made sure they were comfort able to come and go as they please without the pressure of paying too much or staying too long if they had other commitments. No drama, no silly condom hats, just drinks, chats, best wishes with a few daft lads trying to join in! Why do people have such egos now??? Don't do what you can't do OP

Ok I just want to horrify people by saying....DH’s best friend’s wedding cost us £3,870 in total.

Stag abroad, hen abroad, wedding timings required 2 nights stay, only hotel in area v expensive, strict dress code for wedding required two new outfits....

We didn’t get a holiday that year.

Weddings are ridiculous!

Is it worth you suggesting to the group that they all put their preferred budget?

Werewolf you didn't mention but I get the impression with all that...Did they have a money gift poem?!