To think this is quite a lot to come up with?

[Hbcb333]

One of my best friends is getting married in a year and I’m one of the bridesmaids, although it is the maid of honour who is organising the hen do. We (those not organising but attending) have not been told anything about it in terms of location/duration/likely approximate cost etc until today when a message was sent to the group WhatsApp. It’s three days abroad and a deposit of £150 is required within a month from now, plus flights and obviously spending money. I’m panicking a bit as I’m a single parent and £150 is an awful lot of money to me, especially with only a month to pay. As for the rest, I can hopefully save it somehow over the next year but AIBU unreasonable to think this is a lot, especially the deposit and the time given to pay it? I can’t not go, as I said, I’m a bridesmaid and I would be devastated to not go to my dear friend’s hen do so I’ll have to make it happen somehow, I just feel really stressed and worried now!

I did think maybe Rebecca36 had posted on the wrong thread if not it’s terrible advice!

She may be the bride will be thanking you when she has a hen do with people there! No one really wants to spend the money on these things and everyone knows costs spiral unfortunately very few are brave enough to speak out so there is always one leader and then quickly lots of other voices pop up! Stick to your guns know the budget you are willing to spend it will be fine. Keep the what's app thread too just incase.

Rebecca36 you are the maid of honour - admit it!!!

OP, you are the voice of reason! MOH might be put out as she has probably spent some time putting her "plans" together, but IMO she made the rookie mistake of not asking people's opinions/budgets first! I knew you wouldn't be the only one to baulk at plan A and I'm so glad you sent that message and that others backed you up!

I hope that you are all able to negotiate something more realistic, and that MOH is rational about it.

Well done!

Why would you even want to spend £500-£1000 on a Hen weekend with people you don’t know we (except the bride) when you could take your DC on holiday for that much, or put it towards bills/savings whatever. It’s a ridiculous amount of money to spend unless you are all flush, good friends and have discussed it.

If I were you, I’d go one step further now and suggest something that’s a reasonable price, such as Dinner at x, or Afternoon Tea at y. BEFORE the MOH reluctantly agrees, but then comes up with something else really expensive.

Well done OP. You will be super-popular with the other hens now for voicing what they were all thinking. And as for the suggestion of taking out a loan.... words fail me on that one!

Well I think I’ve started something now, two other people are saying they can’t afford it.

I always think it's worth remembering that being brave for yourself can also help other people find their voice... Even if we are only talking about an extortionate hen do in this case.

I can't believe somebody's suggested taking out a loan. I really want to believe that's not a serious suggestion. Just because you can find a way to get the cash together and therefore notionally "afford" it, doesn't mean you can justify spending it. I couldn't and wouldn't.

I do not get all the "sworn to secrecy", extravagant spending of other people's money that comes with this stuff either. It feels like something teenagers would do. What's wrong with being adults who communicate with one another to make reasonable plans that everyone can afford, attend, and enjoy?!

If I were you, I’d go one step further now and suggest something that’s a reasonable price, such as Dinner at x, or Afternoon Tea at y. BEFORE the MOH reluctantly agrees, but then comes up with something else really expensive.

Good idea, she doesn't remotely sound like she's on the same financial planet as the rest of you.

Well done OP, lack of response from the MOH will be because she's kicking herself for misjudging the group and spending time researching something too expensive. Hopefully she'll take it ok and come up with a plan b. Perhaps the rest of you can offer to help together?

It's insanity. My MoH organised mine, we had a day of activities and a meal with cocktails. She was the most skint of us all, so I made it clear to her that everything was to come in well under £100 for the whole day, including food, alcohol and travel and I was paying my own way! We spent about £75 in the end, which was heavily weighted towards the dinner and drinks.

Good on you for saying it was too much. I’d have said the same. I’m also glad that doing so has helped three(?) other people have the courage to say the same. I just don’t understand why these things have to cost so much. Unless it’s a group of really rich people and they know that all can afford, I don’t understand why it’s suggested. Out for a meal and a drink or even an evening in someone’s house I’d probably be fine with lol

@Hbcb333 - I’m glad you spoke up, I knew there’d be others feeling the same! I’ve been on too many of these whatsapp groups where nobody wanted to speak up but there was lots of behind the scenes worry about the money. Once one person says it’s too much everybody else speaks up!

Sorry, posted too soon. Meant to say, well done on responding, sounds like the rest of the group are glad you did as you've opened the flood gates! Who plans something so expensive without checking with anyone else first?!

Yeah hopefully maid of honour is resonance and accepts it was a misjudged in her defence as pp said the bride should have set clear grounds mainly budget that can easily be done with out spoiling any surprises.

Rebecca, I'm not strapped for cash but £150 just for the deposit is a great deal of money. For many people, it's a couple of weeks' food shopping. It's a month's council tax. It's a good chunk of a new washer if theirs breaks down. It's decent school shoes for 3 kids.

I find the extended expensive hen-do baffling. I am neither old nor grumpy, but I hate forced fun, and the idea of blowing a week'sor even a month'ssalary on a vacation with strangers filled with lame excursions/nights out/packaged 'hilarity' is beyond me.

In sum, good on you for being brave and saying no. As you've seenand as I think you'll see even moremost of the others probably felt the same way and are glad for a little sanity.

Well done op for stepping up and saying what lots of others were obviously feeling!

Sounds like you have done the right thing, OP, if three other hens are agreeing with you! I presume it will also put the cost up for the others, if they are dividing the bride's share between those who are actually going.

It's ridiculous - I got married last year and I invited about 20 friends and family for afternoon tea - it was about £15 each I think.

About 10 of us carried on for cocktails and then it ended up 4 of us going to the pub for something to eat. Think it was about 9.30pm when we got home

There was no pressure for anyone to attend or anything.

I wouldn't dream of spending that sort of money especially when you don't know anyone. Is it something you think the bride would actually want to do?

Good for you, op.
With a deposit of £150 then I doubt you'd see much change from 1K in total costs. I bet a few more will come out of the woodwork and say they can't afford it too.

That really is a stupid amount of money. Why on earth didn't she run a few ideas/budgets past a few of you before presenting you with this?

Why did she not think of asking the group how much they were prepared to pay, before she made a unilateral decision about where to go?

I hate hen did that are 'open ended' with regards costs etc.

I've been invited on 1 abroad weekend but couldn't go as I work termtime. We looked at different options re flight and train to hotel and organiser took off what hotel I wasn't using etc and activities I wasn't doing. (Flight times weren't worth it in the end!). That one though o new all costs up front.

Other abroad ones are going to x place for 4 days for x cost. You just KNOW when you get there the costs will be higher than what you'd normally spend - It's so much pressure.

A nice evening out, house party, meal and pay your own are far better ways to celebrate. Everyone has a good time within their own budget!

Four more people have now replied to the group and said the same! So glad I posted and followed the advice I got, I feel so much better than I did about it!

It’s such a shame how expensive hen dos are becoming now- I’m married with children and would struggle with that amount! I would also feel very bad spending that money on myself when it could be a family get away!
Well done for speaking up xxx hope all goes well xx