To leave my DS as an only child?

[TrottingAround]

Without any further 'we shall see'?

DH is desperate for another, but I am adamant 1 is just perfect.

This is because;

1. He can have the best of me. I don't think I'm the type who'd enjoy having two. My DS has been amazing from the get go and I've got off very lightly. Looking at other children and people parent multiple children, most of the time, drains me

1. We can afford for me to just work part time. I work 18 hours and I believe I have the perfect balance between work, time with my DS and time for myself.

1. We rarely get family to have DS, but let's face it, people are more willing to babysit 1 than multiple!

1. DS can be nurtured in whichever interested attract him. We will have all the time and funds to help him, without thinking of another child that I never really wanted.

1. I suffered horrendously with HG in my pregnancy. I was so ill, I was often hospitalised and even in labour, I was vomiting.

1. I was an only child for 11 years. I adored it. I use to look at friends argue with their siblings and think "thank goodness I can go home to peace".

1. I think being an only child makes you mould vetted with adults. Although I was described as precocious quite often as a result of this

I'm asking on AIBU because everyone responds in shock when I say "I'm stopping at 1". They go on to tell me I simply must give him a sibling.

Others have commented who will he have when we die. Who will be there for him?

My argument is, there really is no guarantee they'd even get on. But, my sisters don't get on well. They're still children but they're older now with much of their own friends etc.

They don't get on that well, but I'm often left in amazement at how much they've got each other's backs. It brought tears to my eyes once.

What do you think?

Unless of course the estate has been pissed away by overcompensating for the lack of family!

Whatever you think, but speaking as an only child made me want lots of children when I grew up. So I'd have a loud house. It can be very quiet and predictable around the house when you're an only child. Your only communication the dog or your parents.

I think it's sad people feel they have to justify they only want one child. SIL and BIL have decided they want to stick with one and they have the loveliest little boy and their reasons make complete sense - not that they need any!

If you say you're stopping at one you seem to get 'oh but don't you want to give them a brother or sister?' or, my least favourite, if you have one boy 'but don't you want to try for a little girl?'

We have one utterly perfect little girl, she's 1, we might have another, we might not, but it's nobody's business but ours. I have a sister and we have always been best friends so I would like my daughter to have that too, but I am well aware siblings can grow up hating each other so that definitely isn't a reason to have a second!

If you're happy with one child stick with one child, OP! It's your body who has to endure pregnancy and childbirth and you shouldn't do it again unless you want to.

OP - only you and your husband know what is right for your family, whether that means one child or more than one. YANBU if you decide on having one child, it’s your choice and doesn’t impact anyone outside of your nuclear family.

I’m an only child myself. My personal experience of it has been fantastic - I’ve never felt left out, have been fortunate enough to never have wanted for the basics (love, food, warmth, etc) and feel as though I’ve been brought up to be independent, resilient and grateful. One thing I appreciate as an adult is that I developed my personality with some space and without linking it to a sibling or sibling hierarchy/pecking order. My husband has a large family and all I see sometimes are their stereotyped roles - of his four siblings, each has their own issues relating directly from their upbringing in their particular large family. Of course only children can have issues too, so one can’t make an general statement either way (as lots of posts here would testify). He and his siblings aren’t really close at all (although there is some attempt at showing the world they are a “perfect nuclear family”). I guess there are so many variables that you ultimately have to go with your gut instinct of what is right for you, your husband and child.

I always said I wanted to have just one child (much to the guffaw of MIL, etc). Have a 23-month-old son and another due in 5 weeks. This was very much a decision made by me and my husband - no input is required from a anybody else, if you ask me. I am very happy to be having two children, but know that I want to work very hard to ensure they retain some autonomy and things are as equal as can be.

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do!

In my opinion, having had 3 children and lots of play dates and interraction; I do think some only children can be intense (even with cousins). This is not purely coincidence; it’s based on my experience.

I don’t think you grasp an understanding of coincidence (anecdotal) versus what is an objective proven fact.

Although you’re technically actually saying some only children can be intense. I’m sure they can. As can some children with siblings. So you, in fact, have no point at all!

Oh please, ‘objective proven fact’. Do you want me to hand some questionnaires out for your data to quantify my statement 🙄. This is mumsnet, I have given my advice.

Only child, fine with it. Will very likely only have one myself. See two of my cousins once a year, the other every few years. Close to my parents but not the rest of the family. We moved twice when I was young so my oldest friend is from mid-teens.

I'm fine. I'm quiet, my parents are quiet, I like quiet. So does my partner. I can't imagine living in a house full of squabbling children.

Have you listed the positives of having another one? For me I wouldn’t have 1 A’s once me an OH are gone they would have no family and would have to deal with the grief of losing a parent alone. Personally I don’t think this is fair. Also having siblings stops a child from thinking the universe revolves around them

There's no guarantee they'll get on, and what about friends and family that can support them? Touch wood, our deaths are a long way off. We are fairly young parents.

I never thought the universe revolves around me I would say I was a very well adjusted and 'worldly' Individual. My middle DSister does, she's a nightmare and has siblings close in age!

In answer to your question in my description of some only children being a bit intense. I suppose it could be that they appear more serious when playing (I have heard adults say they have lots of cousins etc so they are fine). But they can be more serious and gravitate to adult company. I have seen this with my children’s friends. I think it is less obvious as the children get older.

Oh please, ‘objective proven fact’. Do you want me to hand some questionnaires out for your data to quantify my statement 🙄. This is mumsnet, I have given my advice

No. I want you to stop making sweeping statements about the personality type of all only children when, really, you’re making a private judgement about a few you may have once have met and - it seems rather likely - are subject to your rather strong conformational bias that they will be ‘intense’.

It’s not advice you’re giving it’s judgement. And incorrect as has been proven with many many meta-analyses of scientific studies

Being part of a larger family has caused a lot of negatives in my life, from a pathologically jealous sibling who has made my life hell for years, leading to NC, to not being able to train in the career I wanted due to lack of funds. I barely speak to my other 3 siblings just because we have little in common.

Also I was lonely growing up because of constant bickering with siblings and parents having no time or energy for individual attention. They didnt know me or the sort of person I was growing up because they only knew me as 1 of 5 in relation to my siblings.

Please lighten up, Topsyanddim. I said some only children, not all. I have 3 children, the oldest is nearly 17yrs, lots more than one encounter. You have changed my actual statement and made an assumption about my statement also! This is all a bit intense eh?! Someone was asking for advice and I gave my opinion...this is mumsnet...not University Challenge 😂!

I have one DS aged nearly three. I adore him and think he is the greatest human ever. I would rather stick pins in my eyes than have another child - I can’t imagine it.
I feel like I’ve been there, done that as far as life experiences go. He’s just hitting the age where it’s feeling easier and we have a nice balance or nursery/time together. It’s also from a career perspective - I’m just about to start a PhD plus I’m working more (I’m freelance) and enjoying having extra income and mental stimulation. I couldn’t take another run at the toddler years!
For all the reasons OP mentioned and more, we will be stopping at one. We are a happy family of three and it works perfectly for us.
I agree, also, that all the ‘only child issues’ mentioned on this thread seem to be ‘parenting issues.

I commented earlier in the thread with my Mums experience but ultimately I think that families come in many shapes and sizes and configurations. What works for some doesn’t for others...we shouldn’t feel the need to justify (only maybe to ourselves) why we want our individual families to be what they are. I wanted lots of children and so did my husband and we’ve been lucky enough to have them. I don’t actually care if my friend only has one child...I don’t look at them in any different way to friends who have 2, 3 or 4. I hope that they don’t care what I do either! Families, children etc are not a competition. Of course there are (for children and parents) pro and cons of having siblings. There are pros and cons in everything in life. If we all had the same aspirations society wouldn’t function. We’re humans not robots!

There is absolutely no guarantee that a child will love or like their sibling/siblings a quick look at the Relationship Board will show that.

The only reason to have a child is if YOU want one. You don't have child for your someone else not your husband/partner/child/parents to give them more grandchildren when you yourself would prefer to stick with one child or unless you yourself have chosen to be a surrogate.

I'm sticking with one. DD is nearly 5 and just perfect. I have no desire for another one. I make sure she has plenty of time why other children, friends and cousins but she loves that she has both our attention, time etc. Technically she has 2 older half brothers but she sees them infrequently and they don't have a regular sibling relationship so I still count her as an only.

As long as parents ensure their home is ‘child friendly’ then only children won’t miss out on anything. What I mean by that is plenty of play dates, sleepovers, playtime, possibly bringing the child’s friend on holiday. My ex-DP was an only and sadly most of his childhood was just him sitting in his room with his various games consoles and this definitely has affected his ability to make friends and socialise. My dads childhood experience was similar. By contract my eldest was an only until she was 10.5 years (so nearly all of her childhood) but she loved it and didn’t feel like she missed out on anything because I always made sure she had lots of opportunities to makes friends and have them over to the house.

My kids have a 5 year age gap so we experienced having an only for a few years. It would have suited my eldest to stay that way I think to some degree, and both kids complain about their sibling. But, I see them challenge and support one another in a way that they wouldn’t have as onlies. There are definitely positives. And my youngest has social skills that the eldest doesn’t - if they continue to get on as adults, she may end up being the social support he needs.

But if we had stuck at one we’d have less debt, more holidays, the house extension we want (but probably would need less, with one!) and more time for him and for our own needs.

There’s no right answer.

I'm an only child and I have wished all my life for siblings, especially now that at 40, with my mother dead, I am the ONLY PERSON THERE for my fathers' old age which I am not happy about. I passionately wish I had siblings, and have done since the start.

When I think of my own solitary, precocious childhood and look at my 2 daughters and their fun, their bond and their love, especially as dd1 is a carbon copy of me, emotionally, it makes me sad for what I did not have.

I have a sister but tbh I might as well have been an only child. We hated each other as children and now as adults we don't see or speak to each other.

YANBU. We have decided to stick to one for many reasons. It took me 13 years to get pregnant, which happened when I'd resigned myself to not having any. It was completely out of the blue, an actual miracle. Then I had such a difficult pregnancy and birth I just don't think I could do it again. Aside from that, we just feel financially it would be better, as we can afford for me to stay home longer and he will fully get our attention and he isn't going to have any less of a life than if he had siblings.

I had siblings and unless you can fully afford them and give them all your time fully, they can end up suffering as a result. Sacrifices end up being made. Not in all cases but in some.

I have three siblings.

We got on well as kids but as adults we have little to do with each other.

We get on well enough at family events, but we are so spread out over the UK and abroad that we very rarely see each other.

Our main contact is Facebook, I almost never speak to them on the phone.

When our parents need care, I'm fairly sure I'll be doing almost all of it. My siblings are lovely but they aren't great carers.

Our parents are moving closer to me, and further away from two of my siblings, and I think they also recognise that I'll be the one dropping in and helping them out.

So a sibling doesn't always mean a friend and it doesn't mean they'll be any help if parents need care. Especially now families don't all live on the same street.

If you only want one, just have one. You can't know what the future will hold.