To leave my DS as an only child?

[TrottingAround]

Without any further 'we shall see'?

DH is desperate for another, but I am adamant 1 is just perfect.

This is because;

1. He can have the best of me. I don't think I'm the type who'd enjoy having two. My DS has been amazing from the get go and I've got off very lightly. Looking at other children and people parent multiple children, most of the time, drains me

1. We can afford for me to just work part time. I work 18 hours and I believe I have the perfect balance between work, time with my DS and time for myself.

1. We rarely get family to have DS, but let's face it, people are more willing to babysit 1 than multiple!

1. DS can be nurtured in whichever interested attract him. We will have all the time and funds to help him, without thinking of another child that I never really wanted.

1. I suffered horrendously with HG in my pregnancy. I was so ill, I was often hospitalised and even in labour, I was vomiting.

1. I was an only child for 11 years. I adored it. I use to look at friends argue with their siblings and think "thank goodness I can go home to peace".

1. I think being an only child makes you mould vetted with adults. Although I was described as precocious quite often as a result of this

I'm asking on AIBU because everyone responds in shock when I say "I'm stopping at 1". They go on to tell me I simply must give him a sibling.

Others have commented who will he have when we die. Who will be there for him?

My argument is, there really is no guarantee they'd even get on. But, my sisters don't get on well. They're still children but they're older now with much of their own friends etc.

They don't get on that well, but I'm often left in amazement at how much they've got each other's backs. It brought tears to my eyes once.

What do you think?

Your reasons are very similar to why we are sticking with one. DH is an only and I have a younger sister. We used to end up in physical fights with each other and it wasn't until we were both adults that we really started getting on. DH doesn't feel he missed out on anything being an only.

Our DD gets to do a LOT of stuff and having another would mean splitting the money we currently spend on her activities. She slept brilliantly and we still hated the baby stage. I think I was mildly depressed when she was tiny and it took me 18 months to admit I felt like a fraud with her and really start to bond. I don't want to go through that again.

It's your body and your DH can be as eager for a 2nd as he likes but if you aren't on board then that's the end of the discussion. Is it a deal breaker for him though?

I really don't understand the thought that kids NEED a sibling. Make sure they are socialised and have a group of peers and they'll be fine. We fully plan to allow DD to have her friends in our house at any time (also we are closest to the school) and be the busy house without needing to have more than just her in our family.

YANBU

if you don’t want another child then don’t have one!

To counter the “I hated being an only child” arguments, I have a sister and we fought loads as kids and I always wished desperately that I was an only child. In adulthood we’re NC and I still desperately wish that I was an only child!

Only child here and hate it, was always sure I would never just have one child luckily I was able to have a few. If my first child had been an only she'd have had no aunts, uncles, cousins.
There are plus points to being an only child but i would have happily gone without them to have a sibling.
Its entirely up to you how many children you have and your reasons, your DC may be happy to be an only.

My only is 17, I've never regretted it for a second, and I was sterilized by choice 10 years ago.
Dd mentioned siblings a few times when she was little and I just said no, kindly, whilst making it clear there'd be no more.

YANBU but more than one doesn't necessarily equal conflict and stress. My children are close and enjoy playing together and look out for each other.

No guarantees obviously! It's made school holidays a dream as they just scheme together and only appear for food (probably older than yours though at 8 and 11). In terms of seeming more grown up - I've seen only children at a table with grown ups entering into the grown up discourse and it seems really odd and priggish to me tbh whilst mine run around a field coming up with a game or something. Creating minature adults is a bit weird as you only get one shot at being a child. Siblings encourage that I think. Not always, but it is a factor perhaps.

Your reasons are perfectly valid, though and so of course you are not being unreasonable. I think you need to have more discussions with your DH though because his desire for more might be just a strong and although you're under no obligation to have them, he might have to reconcile his own feelings.

There's a great book "Parenting your only child" which you may find interesting - it goes through a lot of the advantages and disadvantages of being an only child and dispels quite a lot of the myths. We've had secondary infertility so it hasn't been a choice for us, but the book has helped me feel less guilty about the overall impact and plan some ways to mitigate the downsides (being extra proactive about arranging playdates, thinking carefully about financial provision for old age etc).

It's tricky if you and your DH aren't on the same page and most of your reasons should be up for debate as a couple, but at the end of the day you are the one who would risk hyperemesis again (not to mention all the other possible risks of pregnancy) and that gives you the veto in my book.

I was an only child , it was lonely.
I have a dd who's two and to be honest I think I'd be happy with just her, but I'm going to have another as I desperately want her to have a sibling. I know they're no guarantees they'll love each other when older but I just can't bear the thought of her being alone.

I'm an only child - an older mum and I have an only child ( mainly due to fertility issues). I've had the same comments made to me. Really annoys me as it's nobody else's business - it may be down to choice but equally down to medical issues. You never hear people asking whether they're going to have a 3rd or 4th child do you? It's nobody's business but yours and your DH's. I'd go with your gut feelings. Getting old and the issues that come with it can be a family issue not just left to an only child.

I was one of 2. I bloody hated my sibling as teens. But when my parents needed a lot of care for a lot of years, I was very very glad I had someone else to share the load with.

For that reason I also had 2, as I'm an older parent too. I'm hoping I'm not a burden but you never know what the future will hold (dementia etc) and I might not be able to avoid it. In which case they will be glad of each other.

We also have very little family within hundreds of miles. There simply isn't a gaggle of cousins to form a pseudo-sibling relationship.

However that is very specific to my own life and it doesn't apply to others.

If there were a dozen cousins around or if my parents were hale and hearty I'm not sure I'd have kept going.

It's just so unique to each family set up.

The line
'without thinking of another child that I never really wanted.'

That one sentence alone shows that you're happy with one child.

Only child here. Hated it as a child, hate it as an adult. But then I have no close aunties/uncles/cousins either. I also have a volitile relationship with my mother. My family is very spread out including overseas so I would love a sibling. I also do stress about how I am going to manage my aging parents alone, as I really will have no help other than my dh and dcs.

However I do understand that there are no guarantees that I would have a close relationship with a hypothetical sibling, though most people I know with siblings as adults have grown close.

I was a very shy child and found it hard to mix a lot of the time unless I had support from a friend, I think I would have found it easier socially if I’d had a sibling in tow. I still have social anxieties now and I put it down to spending so much time alone as a child.

I do know parents with only children who are bringing up happy confident children however, so it can be done. I was determined to have more than one child if it was at all in my power though, and luckily I have been able to.

YANBU to feel like this but it's obviously not great that your DH doesn't feel the same. You should both have equal input on the decision and consider who has stronger reasons.

How would you feel if he feels more strongly than you in the future?

What would you do if you were desperate for another child but DH didn't want one? Would you be ok with that?

I'm an only and I loved it as a child. I've always been very outgoing and sociable so finding other children to play with was never a problem. Now I'm older I occasionally wish I had a sibling for selfish reasons - to help with the care needs of my elderly parents.

I raised my oldest DS for 8 years as a lone parent and then met DH and had my second DS. I sometimes felt guilty that DS1 was an only child so a brother seemed like a blessing for him, despite the age gap. However, DS2 has a ASD diagnosis so now I worry that what I've inadvertently done is give DS1 a brother he'll spend the rest of his life feeling responsible for.

Also, you can't count on siblings being close. My best friend is like a sister to me. She holidays with us, spends Christmas with us etc. She has a real sister two years her junior and they detest each other. They haven't had any contact for more than a decade.

YANBU OP and you don't have to justify it to anyone.

I'm an only child. I was/am happy.

My DS is an only child too and I don't want any more.

Not everyone's parents need care when they're older. My parents are only late 40s. My grandfather is 76 and apart from the usual aches and pains that come with age he is fighting fit, lives independently, still drives and has a good social life. I could never have another child that I don't want just in case I might need care in the future, I'll make separate arrangements for that.

I sometimes think that some parents of onlys sign their kids up to a lot/do a lot of days out/have a lot of experiences.

It's really not for lazy Mums like me. My BF has an only and she's always going on outings. I'd be knackered, tbh. Actually she is too!

Whereas today it's been pissing down but the kids have just played inside wrecked the gaff whilst I pottered about.

I think having an only is easier in some ways (when they're not whining nobody is whining/ when they're sleeping well, everyone sleeps) but also harder in some ways as you have to engage with them a million times more.

(This may be total bollocks, but just my superficial impression)

YANBU to feel like this but it's obviously not great that your DH doesn't feel the same. You should both have equal input on the decision and consider who has stronger reasons.

This is wrong. Whoever wants the fewest children has the casting vote. Nobody should have another child to make somebody else happy.

Stick to one, it'll be perfectly fine.
Fortunately we live at a time when we can control our reproduction. Enjoy your child!

The most entitled and precocious children I’ve had to deal with have all been only children.
Thinking of one particular child who frankly is given almost everything she ever wants (apart from a sibling) and yet she always wants more. She’s miserable, and such hard work to spend time with.

The most entitled and precocious children I’ve had to deal with have all been only children

I know plenty of lovely, well rounded only children.

Sorry I should have put that as a caveat. Yes I have also met some lovely only children.

I think if your child will have cousins, or if you have a lot of close friends with similar aged children, being an only might not be lonely. It's difficult being the only child in your extended family though. Also I disagree with "You should both have equal input on the decision and consider who has stronger reasons."

As the person whose uterus will be occupied, who will risk death / disability / just plain discomfort, your choice not to have a second child trumps his wish for one.

I’m an only child and loved it. Still do.

DD is only child and tells me she loves it too.

@NotTakenUsername

”The most entitled and precocious children I’ve had to deal with have all been only children.”

This is all to do with parenting and nothing to do with how many siblings you have.

I am an only. Our DC1 will be an only. I had a lovely childhood and great relationship with my parents.

Our decision to have an only is based on lots of things, some positive some more sad. But it's a choice we're happy with. DC is happy, confIdent and sociable. Just like their friends who are a mix of onlys, oldest sibling, and youngest sibling.

TBH I find discussions like this pretty annoying (not directed at you OP!). The notion that only children MUST be missing out or in some way not 'proper'. It's a huge assumption based on prejudice and lack of experience/failure to understand that family comes in different forms. Of course some people were unhappy onlys but there's no evidence they wouldn't have been unhappy with siblings.

And having a child as a play mate for another or worse, future carer, is all kinds of wrong. Have as many children as you like. Just keep your views about my family choices to yourself!

Your number 5 is the reason DD will be an only. I always wanted 2 but I couldn't do that and look after her, and I wasn't bad enough to be hospitalised, but had SPD as well. I was basically shit at being pregnant. Luckily she has a close cousin.