To leave my DS as an only child?

[TrottingAround]

Without any further 'we shall see'?

DH is desperate for another, but I am adamant 1 is just perfect.

This is because;

1. He can have the best of me. I don't think I'm the type who'd enjoy having two. My DS has been amazing from the get go and I've got off very lightly. Looking at other children and people parent multiple children, most of the time, drains me

1. We can afford for me to just work part time. I work 18 hours and I believe I have the perfect balance between work, time with my DS and time for myself.

1. We rarely get family to have DS, but let's face it, people are more willing to babysit 1 than multiple!

1. DS can be nurtured in whichever interested attract him. We will have all the time and funds to help him, without thinking of another child that I never really wanted.

1. I suffered horrendously with HG in my pregnancy. I was so ill, I was often hospitalised and even in labour, I was vomiting.

1. I was an only child for 11 years. I adored it. I use to look at friends argue with their siblings and think "thank goodness I can go home to peace".

1. I think being an only child makes you mould vetted with adults. Although I was described as precocious quite often as a result of this

I'm asking on AIBU because everyone responds in shock when I say "I'm stopping at 1". They go on to tell me I simply must give him a sibling.

Others have commented who will he have when we die. Who will be there for him?

My argument is, there really is no guarantee they'd even get on. But, my sisters don't get on well. They're still children but they're older now with much of their own friends etc.

They don't get on that well, but I'm often left in amazement at how much they've got each other's backs. It brought tears to my eyes once.

What do you think?

I can see for and against reasons in relation to this huge decision. It sounds like you have almost made a decision. The only thing I may add would be (I am likely to get flamed here). Some only children are a little ‘intense’ and you can tell sometimes when they are playing with children and interacting with adults (even if they have lots of cousins etc).

Siblings are far from a guarantee of support when a parent dies. I've known several families who have torn each other to pieces over wills, and recently two siblings who colluded with each other to deprive the third sibling of tens of thousands from their parent's will.

It may seem an extreme example but in my experience siblings falling out over a death is relatively common and so I wouldn't give it too much consideration when debating whether or not to stop at one. Likewise with care, I worked in a related field and it is extremely common for the care to fall upon just one child, usually female or the eldest.

Ive had to care for two family membets already and I d have felt much more resentful to know there was someone who could help but didn't.

And some children with siblings are intense too. My cousins, three siblings, were much more intense than I. They needed to be entertained constantly either by each other or by adults. I was only too happy to entertain myself with my books, toys or bug hunting kit.

Redgreencoverplant

No, I don’t think you should have another child if you 100% don’t want one, and your mental health would be at risk. It’s your body, and your life.

But, I personally think that the benefits of having a sibling outweigh the negatives, and on the whole it’s good for children, and nice as an adult. There’s no guarantees of closeness/support, but not having one is a guarantee of no close relative after your parents die/no support with them.

I think if you were unsure/ambivalent, is day go for it, the baby years are hard, the days are long but the years are short, and once they are at school things are mob easier. BUT that’s only if you were genuinely considering the options, like in the OP.

I'm stopping because...

• like you I want to give my all to my DD
• I'm tired. So tired.
• I need a pension
• did I mention the tiredness?

-my bum has felt weird since giving birth 2 years ago. Drs don't know so I don't want to make this worse.

• DH doesn't want one

-DSD is autistic

• I want to be able to afford nice things for DD.

Ok thanks Crackers for responding :) I do worry sometimes that I underestimate the impact of not remembering parents with anyone for DS. I am not close to my parents so won't be caring for them when they are old and I have no desire to remember them with anyone. However I very much hope that DS won't feel that way about DH and I. I guess I just don't know what it feels like to love your parents so can't see losing them as a loss and that may have coloured my decision.

I have a nearly 5 year old DS, an only child. I very rarely stop and worry about him being on his own. He is happy, well supported and has plenty of friends. Call me self centred, but I also have a career and I don't think I could cope doing my job (which I love) with more children to look after too. I've never been the type to want lots of kids and that's the way it is.

My DH is a very happy only child, and I'm not particularly close to my sibling brother (who lives hundreds of miles away). I hope to raise an independent son who will make the most of discovering the world, making friends and hopefully finding a partner too. I really don't think having a sibling guarantees they will get on or be close later in life.

So in short, do what you want to do, and especially ignore any rude sod that says nasty things about you only having one!

Yes, thank you pingudance. People can be so incredibly insensitive (and downright stupid) over this. I'll never understand why it's their business and what answer they're hoping for: "why thank you for reminding me I could have another! Better get home now and try!" Or "no, no more for us", or "we're in the heartbreaking situation of wanting another more than anything but I've had miscarriages/can't change conceive, so thanks for your unwanted intrusion".

I have resolved to be brutally honest to any idiots who are insensitive enough to ask from now on. Might teach them the lesson the desperately need and spare someone else from the heartache of having others pry into the subject they're most sensitive about....

OP I agree that if you only want one then that's fine but in your initial post there's a lot of 'I' and bar one or two mentions nothing about your DH. He's still the other parent too?

The thing is Mini that if one parent doesn't want another child then they are the one who gets the final say. You can't force anyone to have a baby they don't want.

My mum was an only child. She didn’t mind it so much as a child but when her parents were very elderly and she was hundreds of miles away from them (she too had Undergone brain surgery with a lengthy recovery period) it became very difficult and extremely stressful for her and made her ill (the GP thought she had cancer the stress made her so ill). She was solely responsible for everything that needed to be organised - care by district nurses, coming out of hospital, social care, cleaners etc etc. I know it was at this point she wished she’d had siblings to help carry the responsibility and stress. It’s something to consider and I know I am grateful that I know when my parents are very old and need care I will have 2 brothers to help share the decision making and inevitable stress it will cause.

I have an only. Society made me feel guilty so I did a lot of research into it. And not surprisingly most of what people say is bullshit. To smash some stereotypes long term scientific studies have shown

• onlies are not anymore lonely than those with siblings. In fact just as many of those with siblings said they felt lonely.

• they are not any more selfish or spoilt or less able to share

The studies did actually show that they’re more likely to succeed academically.

Some people on here are onlies and hated it. Some are onlies and loved it. Some had siblings and loved it. Some had siblings and hated it.

People are individuals.

Some only children are a little ‘intense’ and you can tell sometimes when they are playing with children and interacting with adults (even if they have lots of cousins etc)

No they are not. Only children are individuals. Study after study has shown no overall personality type for onlies. Please stop stating your own personal (anecdotal and incorrect) opinions as fact. It’s incredibly judgemental.

I also think it’s super insensitive to go around asking people ‘when will you have another then?’

Totally agree. My single friend gets asked "Why aren't you married?" All the time in a similar vein. They're crap questions about things not up for general discussion. If people want to discuss it with you, they will!

Some only children are a little ‘intense’ and you can tell sometimes when they are playing with children and interacting with adults (even if they have lots of cousins etc)

Some children are a little "intense". The boy who most instantly springs to mind for me when you say this has a sister very close in age. It's a personality trait; you can't automatically ascribe it to having siblings or not.

It’s interesting how the people who have experience of only childhood (being or having) are split 50/50 to whether its a good thing or not, but no one has said: ‘i have two children and I wish I had an only’

There are many many threads on Mumsnet about just this, it’s heartbreaking. Parents are breaking point, struggling to get through the days.

I guess a lot of people don’t regret children though as they love them. It doesn’t mean they wouldn’t have been happier with one if that’s what they really wanted. Of course many want two or more and so are also happy

We said from before I was even pregnant with DS that we only wanted one, and we've stuck by that (despite all the comments from the busybodies, who soon shut up when I respond with "I'm an only child and it's never done me any harm").

For all the reasons you've said - he gets our undivided attention, it's easier to find babysitters and just easier to do things in general.

DH and I go to a lot of motorsport related events, we've been able to continue and just take DS along with us, but we've both said we don't think we could've done it with multiple DC.

We also both ride motorbikes, again we haven't had to give this up as DS rides pillion with DH. I'm not confident enough to take a pillion so if we had 2 DC the bikes would've been sold by now.

DS is a little mini me, he likes all the same things I do so we do lots together, there's nothing to say a sibling would have had the same likes/dislikes and I just think it must be so much more tiring trying to keep everyone happy?

Mostly our life hasn't changed since having DS, we just have an extra person to do the activities with. When I try to imagine our lives with multiple DC I think it would be very different, and for me that's not necessarily a good thing.

I was an only child and honestly I love it, I see the relationship dynamic between DH and his 3 siblings and their parents and all the family politics that goes on and it makes me glad my life is simpler with just me and my DF!

"Ive had to care for two family membets already and I d have felt much more resentful to know there was someone who could help but didn't."

Strongly agree with this. It was awful for my mum looking after her dying mother. It was even worse knowing that her selfish c*nt of a brother - who was always the family's golden child - was regularly in the area for business and leisure but never once bothered to visit his mother in the last year or so of her life.

Same for my dad, whose sister didn't resurface until my grandmother's funeral (hoping she'd get something in the will).

In my personal experience, families where the children share care for elderly parents equally and fairly are in the minority. There are lots of lovely reasons to have a second child, if you want one, but, for me, the expectation that they'd shoulder family responsibilities equally would come very low down the list.

I agree with those saying that having siblings doesn't mean you'll have support when your parents die. Also, it'd be wrong for that to be your motivation to have another child.
My grandparents had 5 children including my mum. They all fight like cat and dog and when my GP died, there was a lot of resentment because they left their house to the child who cared for them the most. The others were bitter about it and it caused an incredible amount of rows. It was my GP choice but the siblings always argued and it didn't help that they received different amounts in the will. It was the icing on the cake and they went from seeing one another twice a year to never!!
In DH's family, care of his parents wasn't split equally between him and his brother. DH ended up doing all the care financially and all the admin after their deaths. But his brother still got half of everything despite never bothering to visit his parents unless he wanted a favour.
Those are only two examples but I know many many more.
Goes to show that in big families and small families, whether money goes to the main carer or is split equally between siblings, someone will always find reason to argue.
Just because people are related, doesn't mean they care.

I do actually know someone who has 3 children and she said that although she loves her 3 she wishes she had stopped at one.

My friend lived with her mum and cared for her day in day out. Bathed her, fed her, dressed her, helped her in the bathroom. Her 4 siblings visited some weekends but didn't do the donkey work.

When their parents died, the house was left to be split equally between the children.

My friend was pressured only 2/3 weeks after her mum's funeral to move out of the house because her siblings wanted their money.

They showed absolutely no regard to their sister and were incredibly greedy. They gave her no thanks at all for doing the vast majority of care for their mum. Selfish gits

In a sort of twist on what pps have said - I have an ill parent with whom I am pretty much NC cos he is also a total liability - guess who’s taking care of him, his sister. A sibling can be an obligation as much as a parent for those who’ve had to put up with intrusive questions. I think honesty is a good approach if you can deal with it - makes ppl think twice about what they’re actually asking.

Absolutely agree that children are individuals. However, Iunderstand that for some people one is enough due financial, emotional or other reasons and that’s fine. In my opinion, having had 3 children and lots of play dates and interraction; I do think some only children can be intense (even with cousins). This is not purely coincidence; it’s based on my experience.

What do you mean by ‘intense’ though, user? You keep saying it without explaining it.

Do you mean that, in your experience, only children can be very earnest/serious/passionate (in which case I don’t see the relevance of cousins)? Or do you mean that only children in your experience require more intensive parenting because there isn’t a sibling to play with?

If the latter, it’s a slightly odd point, to my mind. Does anyone ambivalent about having a second child think ‘Oh, I know, I’ll have another one so I don’t have to spend as much time playing with little X’?

You’ll child will be grateful as an adult when he inherits your entire estate