To leave my DS as an only child?

[TrottingAround]

Without any further 'we shall see'?

DH is desperate for another, but I am adamant 1 is just perfect.

This is because;

1. He can have the best of me. I don't think I'm the type who'd enjoy having two. My DS has been amazing from the get go and I've got off very lightly. Looking at other children and people parent multiple children, most of the time, drains me

1. We can afford for me to just work part time. I work 18 hours and I believe I have the perfect balance between work, time with my DS and time for myself.

1. We rarely get family to have DS, but let's face it, people are more willing to babysit 1 than multiple!

1. DS can be nurtured in whichever interested attract him. We will have all the time and funds to help him, without thinking of another child that I never really wanted.

1. I suffered horrendously with HG in my pregnancy. I was so ill, I was often hospitalised and even in labour, I was vomiting.

1. I was an only child for 11 years. I adored it. I use to look at friends argue with their siblings and think "thank goodness I can go home to peace".

1. I think being an only child makes you mould vetted with adults. Although I was described as precocious quite often as a result of this

I'm asking on AIBU because everyone responds in shock when I say "I'm stopping at 1". They go on to tell me I simply must give him a sibling.

Others have commented who will he have when we die. Who will be there for him?

My argument is, there really is no guarantee they'd even get on. But, my sisters don't get on well. They're still children but they're older now with much of their own friends etc.

They don't get on that well, but I'm often left in amazement at how much they've got each other's backs. It brought tears to my eyes once.

What do you think?

Yanbu at all.

However I am an only whilst I have 2. Their squabbling drives me nuts but they have a sibling experience that I think I missed out on.
This was particularly evident during holidays when I was growing up but that was partly my parents' fault- we never went anywhere where there were any other children to play with! So I did long for a sibling to play with when I was small.

As I get older I am very aware that as my parents get older something will happen to one of them
soon and it will be up to me to sort them out and care for one or both of them in their last days. Of
course I will do this, but it's an awfully big burden on just one person- especially as I live some distance away.

Cherry I didn’t say that. I said “I think it is certainly easier to fall in to the trap of indulging a child if there is only one to consider.
That doesn’t make it a given, but it does make it something to be more aware of if you only have one.”

Indulging a child doesn’t always cost money. A child can be spoilt without being showered with ‘stuff’.

I'm currently very pg with number 2 after ab 8 year gap. I'd say that the hyperemesis alone is a valid reason not to, tbh. I had it first time round and it's come back worse this time. Not a guaranteed outcome but a distinct possibility and one you have to consider.

I

I’m afraid I get impatient with some of the posts by sad only children in these threads. Many are ascribing to not having siblings what are equally liable to be parenting problems — feeling ignored, over-scrutinised, criticised — or just conditions that many or most people feel from time to time as children or adults — feeling lonely or like an outsider.

And many sentimentalise the sibling relationship into some kind of crucial communion and source of support. When for many people it’s just not. No major drama or falling out, just not significant in the scheme of things.

I often suspect that unhappy only children who have more than one child themselves are over-insistent on their children being ‘close’ and risk being upset when this turns out not to be the case, ecause they’ve almost fetishised the sibling bond..

I'm an only child and I am glad of it.
As a child I used to wish for a sibling because I used to watch tv shows and films that made having siblings seem the norm and seem solely positive.
However, as I got older, it dawned on me more and more how lucky my life has been as an only child.
I was showered with love from my parents. They gave me a good education and worked hard to give me the tools I needed for success. I was never spoiled with gifts because I was always grateful for all I received and I never expected any gifts even on Christmas Day/birthdays! I was however, lucky that my parents could afford nice things for me. My parents gave me lots of time and attention that they couldn't have done if I'd had a sibling and today we have a fantastic relationship because of this. I'm incredibly grateful for the time they gave me as a child and I'll repay them for that for the rest of their lives. Life at home was extremely peaceful with no arguing. I learned how to occupy myself and it definitely made me develop a vivid imagination! I have many cousins and had many friends growing up so I never felt lonely.
It seems to me that most siblings don't get along as kids and go NC/LC as adults! So no, I never felt like I was missing out.
And I agree with a PP that most people who have an issue with being an only child actually have an issue with their parents.

I'm a only child. I hated it! However feel my children would love to be the only child?

I understand where you're coming from OP, I get asked the same things all the time...8 years on!
My DD is my one and only. I don't want anymore because I love that I can dedicate my time and attention to her and to be able to spoil her when I can. The relationship we have is fantastic, I love her to peices and she is the same about me and my DP.
When I was pregnant with her it was horrendous!! I was in and out of hospital for all sorts of reasons, I had bleeds, illnesses, rather than morning sickness I had all day sickness until I was around 8 months. It breaks my heart so much to say that I hated being pregnant with a passion. Other than feeling her kick (which really was the best feeling in the world!), there was literally nothing good about my pregnancy. I would get so jealous over other mums to be who had the pregnancy glow, the gorgeous hair and nails, not being sick all day every day, those who appeared to have an easy time of it. The birth was a different story completely, of course it hurt but I would do it ten times over than being pregnant which makes no sense at all. Because of how unwell and the shit in had during my pregnancy, it heavily factored into why I don't want anymore children because I couldn't cope with an other awful pregnancy.

I am an only with no extended family and I loved it! Children don’t shrivel away without a constant playmate.

I am an only child. I have 3 children. I have 3 children because I hated being an only child.

The only other only child I knew growing up has no children. She has no childeen by choice because she hated being an only child.

None of my childhood friends who have siblings have chosen to have an only child.

It's an existence where all of your your parents' hopes and dreams for their children are heaped on your head. There's no slack as the parwntal eyes are forever on you, as you are their precious only offspring. You know that when they get old there's no-one to share the care with, and no-one to mourn with when they die.

On the flip side, I'm very self-reliant and sail through life without craving the company of others.

OMG i could have written your post.
Obviously it's not for us to say "You should or shouldn't have more children."
What pisses me off though, is when you get people saying "It's selfish to only have one" and Inthe next breath they'll say "If You can't feed them don't breed them.

It’s interesting how the people who have experience of only childhood (being or having) are split 50/50 to whether its a good thing or not, but no one has said: ‘i have two children and I wish I had an only’

Many adults who were only children say they would have wanted a sibling for company as a child and support as an adult etc etc.
Well yes, so would I have loved that. Unfortunately my brother was neither company nor support. I haven’t seen him since xmas.... or was it the xmas before, I can’t remember. He’s not awful just self absorbed and flakey with arrangements. Always cancels. It’s not worth my energy anymore being always disappointed.

My ds is an only. At least he knows the score.

but no one has said: ‘i have two children and I wish I had an only’

To be fair that’s a very different sentiment isn’t it?

However I’ve seen many times on parenting threads people wishing they had less children. That’s far more comparable I think.

@JacquesHammer

To be fair op did say this:

We will have all the time and funds to help him, without thinking of another child that I never really wanted

So she’s half way there already.

@AmazinglyGraceful

But she hasn’t had a second yet. My point is people are less likely to actively wish they’d not had one of two rather than decide not to have a second.

If I had an only I would live in dreadful fear of losing him. How can you all assume your child will grow up? I have 4 and in the last 2 years 2 of my children have been ill in ways that very easily might have killed them (and would have, but for hospital treatment). Of course losing children is a horrendous thing to contemplate in any situation, but the idea of losing my sole investment in the future...I don't think I'd survive that.

@HarrietSchulenberg your experiences aren't what every only child goes through though. It's all to do with how you parent. I am a very happy only child and I've never felt any pressure at all from my parents. There is no "one size fits all". You will get happy only children and unhappy only children. You will get people whose siblings are their best friends and people who hate their siblings and are NC.

The most important thing, as always, is to do what is best for you as a family.

After my first was born I decided that I didn't want any more. Have close friends that are only children and my mum is also an only child. They all told me that they hated being only children and encouraged me to give dc1 a sibling. DH came from a big family and also said it was unfair for dc1 to be an only child.
Long story short I felt guilty so we had another baby. I was pretty depressed during my pregnancy and got post natal depression after dc2 was born. I would strongly recommend not having another baby because other people tell you that you should or out of guilt.
I love dc2 with all my heart and wouldn't change a thing now but I look back and realise that it wasn't wise to have a baby without really wanting to for the right reasons.

bitchqueen99 Yes, obviously that's my experience. I don't believe I made claim to it being anything else. Most responses are posters' own experiences, are they not?

MysteriousQuinn - that’s really interesting. If you don’t mind me asking, knowing all the positives and negatives now, and the relationship with your children, if you could go back would you have a 2nd DC?

If you only want one that's fine, a perfectly valid choice with lots of positives.

I'm one of 4 and when my dad had a stroke and when my mum died suddenly I was so glad to have my siblings to help out with everything. I'm sticking with 2 and even though they're still little, both under 3, I can already see how much they enrich eachothers lives.

I'm an only child. As a child I didn't really care, other than the odd moment of wishing I had someone to play with. As an adult, I don't care in the slightest. It is really not as difficult to raise an only child to share, take turns and make friends as some people make out. I have 1 DS who is 8 months and will be having at least 1 more in a few years. Not because of 'only child issues' but because I know I'm not done and we want another. You don't and are doing nothing wrong, nor being selfish to keep your DS as an only child!

OP, you don't want another child and that alone is a good enough reason not to have one. Regardless of the benefits, you don't owe your child a sibling. Being an only child will not ruin his life, and there's real guarantee that having a sibling would improve it. Some people love being an only child, some people hate it. You have no real way of knowing which your child will be and the fact remains, you do not want another child. Which is fine!

Some of these posts are horrible to read as someone who struggled for years to have one (eventually via ivf) and for whom subsequent fertility attempts have been unsuccessful.

DH feels a bit sad.
You have very good reasons for not having another child.
You will be the one most affected by the pregnancy and, probably, the child's upbringing.
There is no guarantee of which way would be 'right' for DS.

Seems to point one way, to me.