To leave my DS as an only child?

[TrottingAround]

Without any further 'we shall see'?

DH is desperate for another, but I am adamant 1 is just perfect.

This is because;

1. He can have the best of me. I don't think I'm the type who'd enjoy having two. My DS has been amazing from the get go and I've got off very lightly. Looking at other children and people parent multiple children, most of the time, drains me

1. We can afford for me to just work part time. I work 18 hours and I believe I have the perfect balance between work, time with my DS and time for myself.

1. We rarely get family to have DS, but let's face it, people are more willing to babysit 1 than multiple!

1. DS can be nurtured in whichever interested attract him. We will have all the time and funds to help him, without thinking of another child that I never really wanted.

1. I suffered horrendously with HG in my pregnancy. I was so ill, I was often hospitalised and even in labour, I was vomiting.

1. I was an only child for 11 years. I adored it. I use to look at friends argue with their siblings and think "thank goodness I can go home to peace".

1. I think being an only child makes you mould vetted with adults. Although I was described as precocious quite often as a result of this

I'm asking on AIBU because everyone responds in shock when I say "I'm stopping at 1". They go on to tell me I simply must give him a sibling.

Others have commented who will he have when we die. Who will be there for him?

My argument is, there really is no guarantee they'd even get on. But, my sisters don't get on well. They're still children but they're older now with much of their own friends etc.

They don't get on that well, but I'm often left in amazement at how much they've got each other's backs. It brought tears to my eyes once.

What do you think?

Yanbu one is enough for anyone.

Only child till I was 10. I have a sibling I adore and would not be without he's one of my best friends. However I appreciate this is weird and we are lucky. Many people 8 know have really poisonous relationships with sibs.

But yanbu it's up to you

I think it is certainly easier to fall in to the trap of indulging a child if there is only one to consider.
That doesn’t make it a given, but it does make it something to be more aware of if you only have one.

I also have the friend who is like a sister.

She has two siblings and isn't particularly close to either of them, though she would be upset if anything happened either of them.

She has told me she feels closer to me than either of them and counts me as a sister (quite the honour considering she already has one I think)

I obviously can't know what sibling love really feels like but though I'm close to my cousins (and I have 8), I'm much closer to her.

We've been as thick as thieves since we were three and have helped each other over many a pickle.

She has asked me to be her head bridesmaid over her little sister.

We spent a lot of time in each others houses growing up too, to the point where even though I was an only, I had bunk beds.

I definitely feel like I got the best of both worlds.

I'm quite introverted and have always needed space and time alone.

Anecdotal comment should about siblings to help with the load with elderly parents always amuse me. I don’t know a single family where the lion’s share of care hasn’t been left to one sibling whilst the other does precisely zero!

Of course having an only child isn’t selfish. The only good reason to have another child is because you want one, not to give a child a sibling or to appease your partner.

I have 3 but I can totally understand why many families stop at one!! You will have more time, more money, more sleep, more vacations, etc. It's your life and don't feel like you have to justify it to anyone else!

We have an only not through choice but through secondary infertility. But reallly it’s worked out well. We have all the time in the world for his homework, his hobbies etc. He’s great at building relationships with other kids and adults (knowing he has to be kind,share and be fkexible to get playmates without automatic sibling playmates) he can make friends v quickly. He’s not competing for our attention so very chilled. We’ve been able to afford so much more for him, from private speech therapy to fantastic travel opportunities. Friends are always welcome. Yes I would have loved another but that would have been for me. I’m frightened to death of losing my only child, but that’s my problem not his.

You'll get posters who agree and posters who don't agree and posters who love their siblings and posters who hate their siblings but ultimately it's your decision to make OP and no one can guess how your DSs life will pan out.

(I'm an only and was fine as a kid but hated it from my 20s onward and would not have wanted to only have an only child. Gone the other way and I have 4 kids!).

I'm an only and never really cared until I lost both parents within a year. Going through that with a sibling would possibly have been somewhat nicer. Now I feel so unbelievably alone, and feel like a tag-along-at family events (with no real reason, my family are lovely). I acknowledge that I may have ended up NC with siblings but I would have liked the chance. I don't blame my parents for their choices, but I do (unjustifiably) feel let down by them now they're gone.

However if you don't want another don't have another, it's that simple. You'll get stories from both sides and they don't really matter as it's completely your choice

JacquesHammer I couldn't agree more.

Deadbudgie I have that fear too as parent of an only

My only (infertility) doesn't have cousins so apparently he's really hard done by you know what though? I have a gentle, thoughtful child who enjoys his own company, but also makes friends easily. The fact that he doesn't have cousins meant that for his first few years I did put a lot of effort into outings so he could be around other children. Now that he's at school however, not having cousins doesn't matter as much as he's surrounded by 20 other 5 year olds during the day, so some alone time is quite nice for him!

I think your reasoning is very sound OP, however I also doubt you'd regret a second!

Same situation here - SH felt sad also hit recently said he's so glad we stopped at one! Very personal choice but all the reasons you have were mirrors here and the only only children I know are very happy to be so!

I'm an only child and it's fine. As a kid I went through the usual "I'd like a baby brother or sister" phase but really was happy on my own. I've always been comfortable with my own company and friends loved coming to mine because younger siblings weren't bugging us.

When we went on holiday my parents often brought along one of my cousins who was he same age or one of my friends, so I didn't miss out there.

I got a lot of opportunities that would have been difficult if there had been a younger sibling around.

An earlier poster mentioned about parents old age - when my Grandma had dementia my Mum did 99% of her care even though she has 2 siblings, so having siblings is no guarantee of sharing the load (Dad did that part).

Now we're in the same position - I'm pregnant with my first and it's been an awful pregnancy so I really don't see us having another one. That's just life and our little one will be as loved as I was and we will make sure she doesn't miss out by being an only child.

Don't be pushed into something you aren't happy with, there's more to life for your little one than a brother or sister.

I wavered about having a second for but it has been the best decision to give DS1 a brother. Now teens, for me, watching them interact together has been the single best part of parenting.
The choice however is yours. Men are often desperate for DC but don't tend to take them with them when relationships fail.

It’s a tough one.
My DH is an only child, and he had quite a lonely childhood. His parents aren’t very ‘childish’ and he was basically expected to be a mini adult from school age. He looks whistfully at me and my siblings, and feels the pressure of all the expectation on his shoulders.

Saying that, going through an awful pregnancy myself, I think you do have to want a child in order to get through!

If you imagine your life in 10 years, how would you feel if you had 2 children? Or just the one? The baby years are hard, but over in a flash. A child is yours forever.

I think the ‘able to afford lots of activities’ is a bit of a shit reason to only have 1 though. I think yo are paying to keep a child entertained, when a siblings would do the same! I did loads of expensive activities as a child as my mum thought it’s what you ‘should do’, i he’s most of them and all my best memories are building dens in the garden with my siblings, or lying in bunk beds with my sister listening to books on tape.

Is DH desperate? Are you ambivalent or do you dread the thought of another?

You only know what you know. I was an only child. Was fine growing up. Had moments wishing I had siblings but I’m sure people with siblings sometimes wishes they didn’t have them. My parents made a huge effort to make the house welcoming to friends, drove me to see friends etc.
Ds is an only child. He’s said he’s happy but if we’d had other kids he’d probably be happy too.

There’s not a right or wrong way.

I know only children who hated it and fear being alone. I know only children who loved it and are very independent. I know parents who’ve chosen to stop at one, and I know parents who are devastated at not being able to have a second child.

The point is, nobody else matters and there is no right answer without a crystal ball - it’s your family life. You need to be honest about how many of your reasons are serious and you need to understand just how serious your DH is and whether it could cause resentment in the future.

What you don’t ever need to do is justify your decision either way to anyone else. It’s none of their business!

I am an only child and we have an only child. I’m fine with this state of affairs.

DS has a very demanding sports and training schedule, I can’t imagine dragging someone else into that. We literally rotate around the sessions, feeding, sleeping, competing....

As for when my parents need help, my DM has a sister who was fuck-all use when my DGM was ill and even dying. So that doesn’t seem to be different from being an only really.

I'm in the same boat as you... I'm very happy with the 1, husband would have another but it's not a big issue.
I get asked all the time if we're planning more, it's a firm 'no' & I don't feel the need to justify it.
It's your decision at the end of the day, the reasons are nobody else's business.

As an oc I didn't /don't feel alone /lonely per se, just sad I have no one to share life's ups and downs and to see my dc having extended family connections.
Def goes far in explaining why I had 11 dc I suppose.
They all agree they are fortunate as the conversation has been had about our mad world, they all support each other immensely and no issues between them negatively.

www.redonline.co.uk/red-women/blogs/amp517903/why-one-child-is-enough/?__twitter_impression=true

Perhaps this may help.

I think there are a few people who blame being an only as the reason they were lonely etc. I say this, as if you have a shy/introverted child then they may suffer being an only vs an resilient, extroverted child who will seek out other people naturally.

My only child is not shy and is always seeking playmates, but I was very shy as a child and socially awkward. I had three siblings and that saved me, I would have hugely suffered as an only. It depends on your child temperament.

I was an only child, but I had three children! They all want more than one child when their time comes.

When I was a child I was quite lonely, neglected to an extent because it's easy to ignore one child, parents are now old and I am facing any care issues they may have on my own. Although I realise siblings do not always agree on care for elderly parents and I can easily find loads of advice online.

I sometimes feel sad when I hear my children remembering their childhoods, and when I used to hear my mum and her siblings reminiscing, because I have no one to do that with. On the other hand, I don't have much I want to remember.

If you only want one child, that's how many you want and it's unfair to put pressure on you to have more. But if you really can't decide, I'd go for more than one, my children had much more fun than I did and are now pretty good friends in adulthood.

We don’t have any more money so another child would mean splitting what we currently spend. Fewer treats, clothes, holidays, toys, hobbies etc. Less financial help later on for education and buying a house.

People always think that DC will play together but my experience is that the older DC will tell the younger one to get lost! My DM said her brother had to take her out to play but as soon as they were out of sight of the house he’d make her play on the opposite side of the road because he didn’t want her tagging along after him and his mates. DH’s siblings moved away for university and they only meet up once every couple of months to have lunch.

I suppose the main benefit is support with caring for elderly parents and having some family left after they die, but by that time I’d hope my DC was married with kids. As long as there’s a cousin or two then imo that’s just as good as a sibling.

Also there’s the possibility that your first DC could end up with a sibling that’s more of a burden than a support. My DF’s younger sister is severely physically and mentally handicapped, and my DF has spent a large chunk of his life caring for her at the expense of his own relationships.

My DH is an only child. He's always been kind of okay with it, although his parents basically stopped us from moving abroad by guilt tripping him, and demand a lot of our time and attention. However he's really struggling now his parents are old and infirm. They demand so much from him it would be good if he had a sibling to share the load with (I have my own DM to worry about). Just make sure you don't pile too much expectation or pressure on you son.