To leave my DS as an only child?

[TrottingAround]

Without any further 'we shall see'?

DH is desperate for another, but I am adamant 1 is just perfect.

This is because;

1. He can have the best of me. I don't think I'm the type who'd enjoy having two. My DS has been amazing from the get go and I've got off very lightly. Looking at other children and people parent multiple children, most of the time, drains me

1. We can afford for me to just work part time. I work 18 hours and I believe I have the perfect balance between work, time with my DS and time for myself.

1. We rarely get family to have DS, but let's face it, people are more willing to babysit 1 than multiple!

1. DS can be nurtured in whichever interested attract him. We will have all the time and funds to help him, without thinking of another child that I never really wanted.

1. I suffered horrendously with HG in my pregnancy. I was so ill, I was often hospitalised and even in labour, I was vomiting.

1. I was an only child for 11 years. I adored it. I use to look at friends argue with their siblings and think "thank goodness I can go home to peace".

1. I think being an only child makes you mould vetted with adults. Although I was described as precocious quite often as a result of this

I'm asking on AIBU because everyone responds in shock when I say "I'm stopping at 1". They go on to tell me I simply must give him a sibling.

Others have commented who will he have when we die. Who will be there for him?

My argument is, there really is no guarantee they'd even get on. But, my sisters don't get on well. They're still children but they're older now with much of their own friends etc.

They don't get on that well, but I'm often left in amazement at how much they've got each other's backs. It brought tears to my eyes once.

What do you think?

I'm an only child, with an only child. Having her nearly killed me, so decided she would be an only as I was terrified of dying in childbirth a second time round.

It's never bothered me about being an only. My Mum has seven siblings and was never close to any of them, DH is one of three and they rarely speak to each other.

I'm middle aged now and my friends are brilliant. I've had a lot of them my whole life.

I think it's more common to be an only now, so not such a big deal as it was when I was a kid. My daughter has many friends in her year who are onlies.

I always read these threads as I have an only. What I have noticed is that the majority of people who state that they didn't enjoy being an only child then go on to describe what is in fact bad parenting and not being an only child. For example parents who ignored them, didn't facilitate their friendships etc.

DS had colic and reflux as a baby and it almost destroyed DH and I so that's it. If he had been an easy baby we would probably have had another but I have zero desire for another.

Some of these posts are horrible to read as someone who struggled for years to have one (eventually via ivf) and for whom subsequent fertility attempts have been unsuccessful.

It’s the sort of thread you might be better avoiding. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect people to censor their true opinions if a poster asks a question.

*reasonable

I'm an only child. It's very lonely.

I'm really jealous of family members that have brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews to follow. Your son will never be an uncle.. unless he has lots of children himself he won't have much immediate family at all

It's so boring and lonely being an only child I'm sorry! Yes you may get more attention and a little spoiled but that means nothing in the long run

My parents were lovely, but when they both died being an only really hit home. I had a 7 year old only at the time and then had 2 more as I couldn't let him go through what I went through alone.

Probably way too emotional to have made that choice when I did but I would never change it! After an awful 1st pregnancy that left me hospitalised I went on to have two fine pregnancies.

ds1 never asked for a sibling but he is so grateful to have them now

My DD is 10 and an only child because I have secondary infertility and can’t physically give her a sibling. If you’re happy with one child then who cares. In my case, we put all our efforts into my daughter. There’s no competing for affection, no arguing about what we’re doing at the weekend because one wants to do one thing and one wants to do something else. We have more money than we would if we had more children. I have two younger sisters and of course it’s nice to have company but I think only children get a bad wrap. I’ve known people who have hated not having siblings but I’ve known people who love it, just as much as I know people who hated having siblings and people who’ve loved having them.

Incidentally I’ve just asked DD (almost 12) if she would have preferred a sibling.

Her response was a look of horror together with “no way”

I agree with you, OP although my DD is only 3 months old 😂

I keep being asked ALREADY when I'm going to have another. I only ever wanted one. I'm one of four and it was tough to have the attention divided between us all.

I'm forever being told how selfish I am for saying a flat out 'no' when asked. I need to have surgery in the next few years to close a pretty bad diastasis recti, which I've been advised not to have another pregnancy thereafter. I'm fine with this

It's so boring and lonely being an only child I'm sorry! Yes you may get more attention and a little spoiled but that means nothing in the long run

No it isn't? I was never bored, never lonely. I'm still never bored or lonely. My current siblings don't really count as I have more of an aunt relationship. Still, as a child and as an adult, I'm not lonely.

You don't just get more attention and 'spoiled'

It wasn't boring and lonely for me. It was wonderful.

I loved being an only child and my ds (17) is an only too. You have to do what's right for you and your family.

You don't have any idea how it would pan out having another child. They might be best friends. They might hate each other. They may have common interests and be able to practice hobbies with each other at home. They may enjoy completely different things and you're always choosing between activities or tag teaming with your husband. They may play together for hours and you get more time to yourself or play separately so you never get a break. He may regret having no siblings or be really glad he was an only child. The thing is you don't know so you can only go on what you want. Most of the reasons yiube given can be overcome if you really want another (other than the difficult pregnancy which does sound horrible) so it does sound as if you really don't want any. If the only reason you feel like you should is because other people are trying to force their opinions on you, then definitely don't do it.

I think the main “issues” (if you can call it that) with having only children are long term.

DH and I are both only children and neither of us feel that we had anyone to grow up with. It was seeing siblings playing together on the beach on holiday that convinced me to have a second child. Yes friends and extended families can play an extremely important role but the more prevalent only child families are, the smaller families will be. Our children don’t have any uncles or aunts and won’t ever have any cousins.

Our parents aren’t getting any younger, my dad had Alzheimer’s and MIL isn’t in the best of health. The 2 of us may eventually face having to juggle looking after / arrange care for 4 elderly parents as well as our own 2 children. Not ideal!

That being said, both of us have benefitted a lot financially from being only children!

I am an only child. It never bothered me as a child and as a young adult, I certainly benefited financially. As a now middle aged adult with a mum with dementia (my dad died a few years ago now), the burden is enormous and I feel very, very lonely. I should say, I am single and have been for 10 years now so that obviously doesn’t help matters. I wish there was someone I could share with and have a concensus on what the right thing to do is. I wish I had someone to share memories of who my mum was before this hit us. I wish there was someone else to visit her and hold her hand in her confusion. I wish I wasn’t working out the financial aspects of it all alone.

I have 3 children. I think they are close and I am glad they have a shared childhood and common past. I hope they can share whatever burden I may become in the future.

I have two sisters and we fought constantly growing up. They both live abroad now and we speak occasionally, there's been no major falling out we are all just very different people leading different lives. Im now left to help aging parents on my which is lonely, siblings are no guarantee of future closeness or support. Do what you feel is right for your situation OP.

We are a family of only children (fertility issues that have passed down through the family)
My mum is, I am, and now my son.
It all depends on what is best for your family, but I'm happy to have one child as I wasn't sure I'd have any.
We get to spend lots of time with him, and it works well for us. He's not spoilt, and I wish people didn't assume lots of negative things about only children. I never wanted a sibling and I don't know any different, so I'm happy with that.

I am the eldest in a large family, my cousin is only child there is 8 months between us, she has always wanted to have siblings. As children I was jealous of her life she was jealous of mine. As an adult I have a great relationship with all my siblings. We are all close and a support to each other. Our children are friends not just cousins.
My Auntie wanted more children but couldn't have them. My Cousin still wishes she had brothers and sisters, I now don't wish that I didn't.

I used to write long answers to this when it came up on MN but the short one is : no yanbu. I’m an only child and it’s fine.

If people are arsey about it I suggest asking saying that if you had another it would only be for the purpose of organ donation - a la my sisters keeper. That shut up one particularly rude woman who cheerfully told me all the things that were ‘wrong’ with being an only child.

Genuinely interested those who are saying that being an only child is a bad thing what would you recommend in my situation? Do you believe that I should potentially put myself through PND again purely to give DS a sibling? I have no desire to have another child so it would purely be for DS. Or do you think people should only do it if they actually want the second child?

Have you listed the positives of having another one? For me I wouldn’t have 1 A’s once me an OH are gone they would have no family and would have to deal with the grief of losing a parent alone. Personally I don’t think this is fair. Also having siblings stops a child from thinking the universe revolves around them

For me I wouldn’t have 1 A’s once me an OH are gone they would have no family and would have to deal with the grief of losing a parent alone

Both my parents dealt with years of widowhood, lengthy illness and death alone because their siblings couldn’t be bothered helping.

There’s nothing wrong with being an only child and of course it’s your choice but did want to say that I’m extremely grateful to have a sister and we relied on each other through difficult family times- just want to say that although your only child experience was a happy one, you don’t know what’s down the line and what you DS could face where he’d need family like a sibling + they’re a lot of fun (and the cause of many arguments) when you’re young. But if you don’t feel that another child is right then there’s no reason to bring one into the world

I also think it’s super insensitive to go around asking people ‘when will you have another then?’ What if you desperately want another child but can’t have one - that’s going to make you feel like shit isn’t it.
I wish people just wouldn’t ask about this kind of thing - I’m lucky in the sense that I’m sort of forbidding and people very rarely ask me personal questions but I know it happens.

I also think it’s super insensitive to go around asking people ‘when will you have another then?’ What if you desperately want another child but can’t have one - that’s going to make you feel like shit isn’t it.
I wish people just wouldn’t ask about this kind of thing

Thank you Pingu.

I’ve given up responding politely to people who are this crass. They get told “I had a miscarriage and resulting damage left me completely infertile”. If it makes them uncomfortable, then maybe they think twice.