To leave my DS as an only child?

[TrottingAround]

Without any further 'we shall see'?

DH is desperate for another, but I am adamant 1 is just perfect.

This is because;

1. He can have the best of me. I don't think I'm the type who'd enjoy having two. My DS has been amazing from the get go and I've got off very lightly. Looking at other children and people parent multiple children, most of the time, drains me

1. We can afford for me to just work part time. I work 18 hours and I believe I have the perfect balance between work, time with my DS and time for myself.

1. We rarely get family to have DS, but let's face it, people are more willing to babysit 1 than multiple!

1. DS can be nurtured in whichever interested attract him. We will have all the time and funds to help him, without thinking of another child that I never really wanted.

1. I suffered horrendously with HG in my pregnancy. I was so ill, I was often hospitalised and even in labour, I was vomiting.

1. I was an only child for 11 years. I adored it. I use to look at friends argue with their siblings and think "thank goodness I can go home to peace".

1. I think being an only child makes you mould vetted with adults. Although I was described as precocious quite often as a result of this

I'm asking on AIBU because everyone responds in shock when I say "I'm stopping at 1". They go on to tell me I simply must give him a sibling.

Others have commented who will he have when we die. Who will be there for him?

My argument is, there really is no guarantee they'd even get on. But, my sisters don't get on well. They're still children but they're older now with much of their own friends etc.

They don't get on that well, but I'm often left in amazement at how much they've got each other's backs. It brought tears to my eyes once.

What do you think?

I’ve a few siblings and some of us are very close so it never occurred to me to stop at one when having my own family, and we have ended up with three. But to be honest many is the time I’ve thought how much easier and quieter it would be to just have one! I cannot imagine not having siblings for myself or for them because it’s all I’ve ever known, but I also think that nobody should ever feel pressured to have a child and if they have one and decide that’s enough, which a few people I know have done, then that’s a sensible decision and good for them for not being pressured by other people. Having a child means you will be putting another human being first for a long time, so when people decide they don’t want to double or triple that situation I admire that, just as I admire people who absolutely never wanted children and don’t ever feel pressured into it, and just as I admire people who love parenting with every ounce of their being and have six children and can seemingly make every moment of it lovely. It’s horses for courses, there is no ‘one size fits all’ and I don’t even speak to one of my siblings (his choice, he ignores people in general) so if he was the only one I had we’d be screwed and if he had been my only option I would sooner have been an only too. The only children I have known have resented it, but I can’t speak for their home lives which would have been part of it I think.

You clearly know your own mind OP, so stick with what feels right to you and don’t let anyone try to tell you otherwise.

I enjoyed being an only as a child, not so much when my dad got a terminal illness and died within four years. My mum relies on my to a large degree and I feel very
very guilty for not living nearer. Also she has forgotten a lot of the detail from my childhood which my dad remembered. Now it's just me that remembers. :-(
I have two children.

I am 1 of 4, and pretty much had many of the same reasons as the OP for not having more than 1 child, not least HG. When that child was 2, I just couldn’t imagine him growing up, or growing old, without any siblings. I am closer to mine more now than when we were children. We had another child (and I had HG again).

I would've reported what she said, but she was very lovely otherwise!

I think her comment was a really odd thing to even briefly consider “reporting”. Sorry.

I’m an only. Never bothered me as a child (I liked it); however, the older i get the more I wish I’d had a sibling to share things with (not least my elderly mother!). My friend - who loathes her brother - wishes she’d been an only child.

I have two. I can honestly say that watching them and their relationship is one of my greatest joys. I try to get my head round them and their bond and it blows my mind a bit. No other relationship is the same for them.

You don’t say how old your DS is. What I will say is that having two (who get on) makes life a lot easier if they get a little bit older and will play together and amuse each other.

But - as a pp said - there is no “right”way. There’s only what feels right to you.

I'm stuck on this question too. DS is 11 months, has never slept through the night (5 hours tops) and I am shattered. I've recently had to increase my antidepressants to the highest dose.

I love the wee guy to death and think he would probably enjoy having a sibling. I'm really close to my DSis too. But I don't feel my mental health would stand up to doing this again, and that makes me feel awful.

I agree with your reasoning for an only one. I was quite happy to stop with DD. For the reasons you said, and my brother has SN, and I always considered how I'd manage if second was SN.

Anyway me DH was desperate to have a second. When DD was about 4, I was coping better with housework, time management, generally looking after my energetic DD, and agreed.

DD loves her brother, we all do. He enriches all our lives and is the sweetest funniest toddler. Love sharing our time and money with two children.

If a second isn't for you, then don't follow the crowd.

OP I feel the same as you for exactly the same reasons!
Had a dream last night where I had another and I was trying to breastfeed and look after a toddler at the same time and I woke up in a cold sweat 😂
Your decision that you do not need to justify.
I ensure my DS has plenty of friends and social interaction with other children and he's doing just fine!

I am an only child and have always loved it. I would be happy to have an only child, myself.

I'd have hated being an only child. I have two younger brothers and they were a PITA at times growing up (and sometimes still are!) but I wouldn't be without them!

I have two DDs quite close together and they are the best of friends and no doubt they will be for life.

But.... everybody is different and people draw from their own life experiences. If you don't want another child that is completely your decision and you don't have to justify it to anyone.

Exactly what RedDwarves said. I love it more and more as I get older and I've always been content. YANBU. There's nothing wrong with having an only child.

The only thing following my pp I should say is that whilst they sometimes drive each other crazy, (but mainly us to be honest!!) my DCs are so impossibly close I cannot imagine them not having that. They have each other’s backs, and they truly are best friends. It really isn’t that way for everyone I know, but mine are best friends, and I read a while back on another thread that childhood is shared with siblings, not parents, which I have to agree with. I cannot compete with all their craziness and fun and never want to and I will never regret having three....but sometimes when all of them are going loopy the peace of just having one is a thing I envy!!

Only with an only here. All good. I loved being an only and had a wonderful relationship with my parents right to the end. DS was a long awaited and easy baby. He never changed. I didn't think I could be that lucky twice. We are still very close and he's now a happy 25 year old.
You are the one who will be having this second child, don't be talked into doing something you don't want to do.

Just because you feel like this now, doesn’t mean that you can’t/won’t change your mind in the future.
I’m married to an ony child who always said he didn’t mind being an only child. He had a Mum and dad who doted on him but sometimes he’ll say he misses having brothers or sisters.
We have only one child too not through choice and he’s always asking can he pleeeease have a brother or sister. In my case the saying an only child is a lonely child is very true as although I have sisters who have children they are all in their 30s so not any company for our DS who is only 13. I’m now going through the menopause so having more children isn’t an option.
You have your reasons why, which are important so only you can make the decision that’s best for you.

I thought about it but I don’t want my DS to be an only child so I will have another

My 6 yo regularly asks for a sibling - sometimes she sobs. It breaks my heart.

We had four years of treatment to have her, so chances are incredibly slim. But my point isn't about that, it's about my dd desperately wanting a sibling.

I would love to give my darling DS the unlimited time, attention and money that comes with being an only child. But he's nearly 2 and when I see him sitting playing by himself I know that having another child will be the right thing for our family.

I think behind the list of reasons there's just the fear of another child intruding on your love. I'm assured that having a second child doesn't mean your love for the first is any less special.

Strangely we both completely discounted having another until DC started finally sleeping through at 15m, now we're tentatively considering but I feel rather ambivalent about it.
Having a sibling doesn't necessarily share the burden of old age. My brother and I are close, live 30 mins apart but I'll definitely be the one to deal with any 'family admin', in any family it rarely gets distributed fairly

Siblings are great. My two have such fun together. They play silly games, support each other, encourage each other. I can see that you can give all your attention to one but they also learn about sharing and learn so much from each other. Two isn't a big life change as you don't need a new car etc. They play with each other rather than you. I would encourage you to go for it but I think that you need to agree as a couple. Good luck.

They play with each other rather than you
This is the main advantage in having a second, surely? I don't think I'm going to be very good at role playing games

notakenusername why do people always assume that only children are spoilt? If you speak to parents of only children they often say that they do the opposite exactly because of their fear that this will happen! Some simply can't afford to spoil them anyway and us sometimes why they have only one child. I know plenty of people with 2 3 and 4 children whose dcs are all spoilt!!

I'm an only child and love it, and my son is an only child by choice. We have a wonderful life and he is very loved. We are able to give him our undivided attention and can afford for him to be privately educated, which we couldn't do with two. He is happy and well-adjusted, and I can't imagine having another. He is our world.

You have to do what's best for you.

Having had a difficult second pregnancy, I can certainly empathise with your reluctance to have another. Even a straightforward pregnancy is a lot harder second time around if you're running around with another child to look after!

We had two children after vowing to only ever have one when our eldest was a baby. It's harder with 2 without a doubt but we had them close together so it feels like it's all we've ever known now.

I'm not sure, you know. As a kid we moved country a few times and I would have really loved to have someone else to go through this with. Sounds blissful but when you are a kid put in a foreign school and you can't speak the language (initially), you are forever the outcast. It would have really helped me having someone to talk to.

Likewise in adulthood I do worry what will happen to my mom if something happens to me (being just me and no sibling). Ultimately only you know what's right. I have one DS and am pondering over the same issue now. Have another final kid so he's not alone, or leave as is as we are all fine like this. Only you know what's best

You must do as you want op.

FWIW I am an only child. For me it has never been positive. Ever. Even now, with both parents dead it’s a burden.
I have a lot of cousins that I was expected to play with. They constantly taunted and excluded me for being an only. At school I saw friends enjoying, or fighting with siblings, ultimately they would side with a sibling against me without fail. I saw from a distance how different the relationship you have with a sibling to one you have with a friend. It’s not always positive but it’s special.
I always had adults telling me how to behave. I had to entertain myself for hours. I spent days without other children when on holidays with my parents.
I had to challenge parents alone when they were over protective, which they were a lot. I had the weight of all my parents aspirations on me. Every failure was multiplied and thrown back at me- because I was all my parents had or because more was expected by others because I didn’t have siblings so my parents apparently had more money / time for me than parents who had more than one. Maybe, but I have never had the love, hate, support or understanding of a sibling. I am constantly surprised at the relationship my children have with each other without me. Good times and bad,

Later, there was only me to support their illnesses and berievement, deal with their loneliness then cope with Alzheimer’s in the remaining parent and ultimately their death. All whilst working full time and caring for school age children.
For me being an only child has been awful. I think that there are some people who quite enjoyed being a singleton. I don’t and have always said that if possible I would have more than one child. I was fortunately able to avoid inflicting my fate on my own children.