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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think friends reply was disgusting?

184 replies

IAmASunFlower · 08/09/2018 13:56

Friend messaged me Monday morning to make plans to come over to mine.

That same day my grandad had been rushed into hospital unconscious and given just hours to live. All the family rushed to hospital to say goodbye.

He died and I got home at around 4pm drained and just feeling like shit. I messaged my friend to tell her what happened and that I couldn’t make tonight.

Her response was - ok.

That was it. No I’m sorry for your loss etc

Not trying to make it about me and everyone should rush to my side but surely a friend can say more than ok to you losing a family member

OP posts:
DontTouchTheMoustache · 08/09/2018 13:57

Sorry for your loss. They are a terrible friend Flowers

grumpy4squash · 08/09/2018 13:57

Insensitive, definitely, but not disgusting.

JazzAndCat · 08/09/2018 13:58

So sorry for your loss. I don’t understand your friend and would be upset by that too

Laiste · 08/09/2018 13:58

Sorry for your loss Flowers

Your 'friend' is a rude twat. I'd have nothing more to do with them.

MatildaTheCat · 08/09/2018 13:59

Certainly not nice. After a recent bereavement I was very surprised by the way it was dealt with by various friends.

Condolences to you.

SlartiAardvark · 08/09/2018 13:59

If you want a response maybe phone people? She could have been replying whilst doing something else or otherwise engaged,

Also she may not feel that grandparents are that big a deal - different families have different relationships.

JustJoinedRightNow · 08/09/2018 14:00

That is terrible OP. I would just not contact them again until they reply to you, hopefully it dawns on them soon when they realize they haven’t heard from you in a little while.

I’m sorry for your loss, that’s very sad news x

LanguidLobster · 08/09/2018 14:00

She should have said a kind word - maybe she was just disappointed at not being able to see you

KatieMarieJ · 08/09/2018 14:03

I'm hoping she's skipped over the message and just saw you cancelled the night at late notice, perhaps thinking it was an excuse and not comprehending what you were telling her.

I am very sorry for your loss. Flowers

ShatnersWig · 08/09/2018 14:06

My grandad was taken into hospital on a Thursday. I went with him in the ambulance and I texted my best friend from A&E to let them know I wouldn't see them as planned.

I saw her on Sunday and she asked how he was. I told her that what the issue was, that he was dying and wouldn't be coming out. I was quite upset but not like I was the year before when my nan was very poorly and starved herself to death in hospital (by refusing treatment and food and drink).

I heard nothing from my best friend until Friday when she sent a text to say "See you when I get back" (she was off on holiday for a week) and "Hope your grandad is feeling better"

Better? He's fucking dying! I didn't reply but wanted to. She got back a week later. Thought she might be too tired to ring or at least text the day she got home so thought I'd hear from her the Saturday. Nope. Nor the Sunday. Nor the Monday. Nor the Tuesday. Heard from her on the Wednesday when someone else had told her he'd died first thing Monday morning.

Friends can often be totally shit

JustJoinedRightNow · 08/09/2018 14:08

Shatner that’s terrible. Friends really can let you down can’t they?
I’m sorry about your Grandad x

easyandy101 · 08/09/2018 14:10

I wouldn't be upset about it, some people are just very poor at that type of communication, myself included, especially via a text platform

CripsSandwiches · 08/09/2018 14:10

YANBU. I can't quite understand why she wouldn't add anything sympathetic. Perhaps she just had no idea what to say and didn't want o say something trite? (Although obviously something trite is better than nothing at all). Maybe she's just self absorbed. Either way I'm so sorry OP. Flowers.

ColinsVeryJolly · 08/09/2018 14:14

Sorry for your loss Flowers

I really believe you find out who your true friends are when you experience bereavement. When my mum became ill and later died, I was shocked and hurt by how some ‘friends’ reacted.

You’ll see who your true friends are.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 08/09/2018 14:17

Your friend is an insensitive cunt.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 08/09/2018 14:17
Flowers
Nikephorus · 08/09/2018 14:19

She might well have been in the middle of something and only had time for 'ok' so you knew she'd got the message. See what she's like next time you speak.

Delatron · 08/09/2018 14:19

Sorry for your loss.

Agree, in times like this we find out who our true friends are. It can be quite shocking and upsetting.

I had a cancer diagnosis a while ago (fine now), some friends were amazing, some friends disappeared. You always remember the ones who are there for you. 💐

Delatron · 08/09/2018 14:20

‘In the middle of something’ doesn’t cut it.
Takes what 30 seconds to type a condolence message? She was clearly pissed off her friend cancelled.

Picklypickles · 08/09/2018 14:23

That's not good is it, I can understand that some people have difficulty in knowing what to say at times like this (I include myself in that) but it really isn't hard to say that you are sorry to hear the sad news.

Sorry for the loss of your granddad x

NancyDonahue · 08/09/2018 14:24

That's so insensitive. 'So sorry to hear that' takes about 3 seconds to type and it means a lot!

I am sorry,op Flowers

SuburbanRhonda · 08/09/2018 14:24

I agree that text isn’t the ideal forum either for relaying sad news or for responding to it, so maybe pp describing her as a “cunt” and suggesting ending the friendship over this could be over-reacting.

Faerie87 · 08/09/2018 14:25

I am in no way saying it’s right what your friend did, but I do think some people don’t know how to act when it comes to death. I would give your friend the benefit of the doubt, perhaps they did not want to send their condolences via text message, or they maybe they had no idea what to put?

Is your friend awkward in situations like this? For example if someone is upset, would they know how to act around that person in order to make them feel better?

My OH is socially awkward and says the most idiotic things at the worst times! He does not do it on purpose and he genuinely feels like he’s helping, but then gets shouted at! For example we had a lady call round a couple of months back in tears as her cat had gone missing, my partner told the lady a cat matching her cats description got run over and killed the night before and got taken to the vets, she then breathed a sigh of relief and said hers was chipped if it had of been her cat she would have known as the vets would have contacted her. My partner then said “I doubt they could have read the chip, there was not much left of the cat!” I was speechless! This lady was distraught and my partner had just said the worse possible thing to her! Needless to say I gave him an ear bashing about tact but he did not feel like he did anything wrong!

Anyway it does sound like your friend has been quite insensitive, however, some people are like that, either intentionally or not intentionally. But I would say next time you see your friend you maybe able to speak to them about it? X

AnnieAnoniMoose · 08/09/2018 14:26

I’m sorry to hear about your Grandad 🌷

If it was me, I wouldn’t have anything more to do with her. I just couldn’t be done with someone who couldn’t muster up an ‘I’m sorry’ or whatever.

Crunchymum · 08/09/2018 14:27

If you can type ok, you can type "so sorry to hear that, sending you lots of love and speak soon"

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